Toaster's Handbook Part 98

A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.

An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter.

"What does he say?" demanded his lords.h.i.+p.

"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.

"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was it?"

"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to do with the case."

"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what did he say?"

"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"

At which the court roared.

"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable.

"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang you."

A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard.

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to 'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo'

wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench whar yo' am familiar."--_Mrs. L.F. Clarke_.

Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to consider soberly, and to decide impartially.--_Socrates_.

JUDGMENT

HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."

WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_.

JURY

In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock.

There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it."

"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge any of the jury?"

The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.

"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin', but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in th' corner."

JUSTICE

There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side.

"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour ago!"

"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too hard, so I thought I'd just even up."

One man's word is no man's word, Justice is that both be heard.

He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide justly cannot be considered just.--_Seneca_.

JUVENILE DELINQUENCY

A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store.

A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he pa.s.sed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid done?"

KENTUCKY

Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.

KINDNESS

Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home.--_Abe Martin_.