Zombie Fallout: 'Til Death Do Us Part Part 15

"I'm more concerned you might forget."

"You ready?" he asked as he tugged hard on our connections. My body was so loose I almost fell over. "You look like you're going to fall asleep. I'm sorry, we're going to have to leave your poncho behind...that's some rocking duds."

"Maybe someday we can come back and get it," I said, then took a big breath.

"Small breaths, okay?"

"Does hyperventilating count?"

He smacked my chest twice. "When I tell you to put your hands over your head, do it okay? And just relax. I've got this. Do you know what day it is?"

I shook my head from side to side. "No idea, does it matter?"

"About what?" he asked as he checked his gear again.

Panic started to force the corned beef back up. But then I pictured myself with the vomit sticking to my thick white coating and I thought better of it. I swallowed it back down. Without another word, John climbed into the hole. Not so bad, I thought as I got in.

We had gone maybe ten to fifteen feet on our hands and knees and I was actually doing alright, of course I think a big piece to that puzzle were the 'mother's little helpers' that John had placed in my lunch.

Right up until John told me it was 'wiggle time.'

"It gets fun now!" John shouted.

"I don't think my idea of fun equals the same thing as yours, Trip."

"You do know I was being sarcastic don't you?"

"I didn't, and that's a d.a.m.n shame considering I'm the self-appointed king of it."

"You don't need to put your hands over your head yet. Soon though," he said as I heard him pulling away.

I traveled another couple of feet, I felt like I was on the inside of a bottle and now I was coming up to the bottleneck. The circ.u.mference of the hole I was about to 'wriggle' through seemed to halve itself. Valium-induced state of calm or not, my phobia was threatening to break through the chemical-induced calmness, with a vengeance.

I would have had great difficulty fitting a sheet of paper on either side of my shoulders. I was already beginning to rub off a fair amount of the animal fat. The rope pulled taut as I was frozen at the mouth. My hand was on my carabiner, I still had time. I could back up and return to the relative s.p.a.ciousness of the small cavern. A putrid of zombies (seemed like a good name for a pack of them) was a far better option than slow suffocation by tons of dirt.

"You coming?" John asked as he pulled on our connection.

"I was thinking about going back and making some cookies." It was all I could think to say.

"There's cookies?" John asked.

I thought I could hear him coming back. "No, just f.u.c.king around. I'm coming, I guess."

"You shouldn't mess around with cookies," John mumbled as our connection again got tight. He started to drag me, and if I didn't drop down, I was going to bang my forehead on a low hanging rock.

My shoulders were beginning to sc.r.a.pe, I could feel the friction begin to tear into me. When I took particularly big intakes of air because I didn't feel like I was getting enough my chest would also rub against the rocks.

"Man this is harder than I remember," John said up ahead of me.

"Everything alright?" I asked cautiously.

"Whoa who was that, man?" John asked. I could tell that he turned his head because some light from the small headlamp he was wearing was s.h.i.+ning on a small curve up ahead.

"It's me, John," I told him in a near falsetto voice, trying my best to not succ.u.mb to my fear.

"I don't know no Mejon? What are you doing down here?" he asked me.

"This is sarcasm right? Because I'm already almost freaking out, Trip."

"Are you from the government? Because I have my medicinal marijuana card. I'm allowed to have up to forty-five plants. No wait maybe that's only supposed to be three. Now I'm still working on getting my Medicinal LSD card, but that should be happening soon, I put a pet.i.tion in to the governor."

John's delusions were going to send me right over the edge-at least I wouldn't have far to fall. That was of very little solace.

"John the Tripper, I am not with the government, I'm Michael Talbot, remember? We've been together for like two days now." I said in short, staccato bursts of speech.

I didn't hear anything for long moments except the sound of dripping water off in the distance. "You the dude with the rocking poncho?"

"Yeah, yeah that's me, man. They call me Poncho Via."

"Weird name, what're you doing here?"

"Waiting in line for Dead tickets, John." I couldn't help it; sarcasm is my last line of defense in stressful situations.

"You got your wrist strap?"

"I do I'll show it to you when we get out of here."

"Okay," he answered, and then started moving forward again.

I began to crawl as fast as I could to try and keep up so that he would not question the drag on his momentum again. I needed to be out of this particular experience.

John didn't say anything or give any type of warning as I came up on another shrinking of the tunnel. Although to call it more than a gopher hole at the moment was a stretch. There was still a couple of feet of slack in the rope, but a decision was fast approaching. I felt that to do anything that would distract from John's task at hand would be detrimental to my rapidly fracturing psyche. I placed my hands inside the hole ahead of my body, and with my feet paddling like a landlocked fish, I wedged myself tightly in the opening. I tried to gain purchase with my hands; but where they were in front of me I had no leverage to use. I tried to hook my feet around something...anything...to pull myself back. It was useless, and worse yet, I was beginning to feel hopeless.

The rope pulled tight, first against my chest, then it pulled up on my chin and across the left side of my face. It felt like it was digging in for the long haul. I tried to move my head off to the side, but there just wasn't enough room. I strained my neck muscles to keep my head as high as possible so the rope wouldn't abrade against my eye. I could hear John's labored breathing as he was trying to pull me through. My senses were so torqued up that I could hear the rope as it was stretched and minute tears began to form. I was certain the line was going to snap and I would be 'the one that got away.'

Then it did tear but not the rope, my s.h.i.+rt at the shoulders tore-as did my skin. At least seven layers of skin in depth, because I could feel blood start to run down my shoulder and back in small rivulets. Tears of pain were beginning to form in the corners of my eyes as John strained to pull me free. The pain was excruciating, I felt like I was melding with the rock to become some new igneous-tissue hybrid.

"Ahhhh!!!" John screamed. It mirrored my own reaction perfectly. We were past the widest part in my shoulders, but we were far from through. John was pulling for all he was worth. His aggressive spelunking was shaking small rocks free from their moorings, and with a slight decline behind him, the only way they were going was towards me. From this angle, they looked like boulders. I moved my hands so they angled like a bulldozer blade in an attempt to stop them from smacking into my face. They were easily big enough to cause some damage and possibly break a few teeth if they caught me in the mouth.

"Shouldn't have eaten that lunch," John strained to say.

I had to imagine he was talking about me, but there still was a significant possibility he had completely forgotten I was behind him. I would be up s.h.i.+t creek if he undid his harness and just kept going. Between the lard, sweat, blood, and John's extreme exertions, I finally came free like a long awaited t.u.r.d from a constipated man's a.s.s. Graphic and gross I know, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't exactly what went through my mind. I was exhausted and I hadn't done much more than worry about what was happening.

After some labored breathing, John finally asked me how I was doing.

"Not so good," was my honest response.

"Got about another twenty feet to go from where you're at."

"Any chance you're definition of feet is somewhat shorter than the American standard?"

"That's kind of funny. Was that supposed to be?"

"That was the intention."

"Don't lose your bracelet or you have no proof how long you've been in line. That happened to me once, but my friend Scooter was able to get me a ticket."

For a moment I was too wrapped up in my neurosis to grasp what the h.e.l.l he was talking about, then it dawned on me he was referencing my earlier sarcastic comment. That'd teach me for being a wise-a.s.s. "How you doing, Trip?"

"I'm a little tired, Ponch. Probably shouldn't have taken the rest of those valiums."

"What? You took them, too?" I asked in a panic.

"Yeah, this s.h.i.+t makes me nervous too, brother. Maybe I'll just take a small nap."

"No, no, no," I said rapidly. "No naps, you can rest when we get out of here."

"I'm really tired."

"I can't stay in here much longer." I started to scramble for thoughts and then it hit. "We'll miss the show, man."

"Oh s.h.i.+t, the show. I don't want to miss that! What if they play Fire on the Mountain!"

John redoubled his efforts and along we crept, I was starting to push a fairly significant amount of rocks ahead of me soon I would have created an impenetrable wall. A couple would occasionally slip past and catch. One stuck fast in the small of my back, the pain was excruciating as it was forced down onto my spine. Just when I didn't think I could take it anymore, a small rise in the rocks allowed it to move down where it got neatly stuck between my a.s.s cheeks.

"Great it's not bad enough the whole world has gone to h.e.l.l, but now I'm being rock raped."

"I see daylight! Hey, man, where's the show again?"

"s.h.i.+t!" I said through gritted teeth as the sharp rock finally rolled off me and down the back of my legs.

"Where?" John asked again.

"Where do you want it to be?" I asked as another rock tumbled over my makes.h.i.+ft plow, that one drew blood as it nicked the top of my forehead. But at least it had the graciousness to keep on going.

"Red Rocks would be nice."

My heart panged at the remembrance of the place I had been to so many times before. "Yes it would, Red Rocks it is, Trip."

"f.u.c.k yeah, I haven't been there since '78!" he replied, adding, "I'm out." With so little inflection I hadn't even put the pieces together. "Hey, Poncho, wait...that's not your name."

"Don't worry about it, you're close enough."

"It gets a little tighter, then you're free."

"Tighter than the last place I got stuck?" I asked. One does not understand the full magnitude of a claustrophobic's biggest fear until you are living it. I was packed in so tight that I could not take a full breath, I could not move forward or backwards.

"Yup, definitely tighter."

"Just get me out," I begged.

"Uh-oh," he said, then didn't say anything else.

"John...John the Tripper? Trip!" I was yelling as loud as I could with the limited amount of oxygen I had to work with.

"Shhh, man, there's some freaky people around, and it looks like they want to cut in the line."

"Zombies, there's zombies? Of course there is," I said quietly so that only I could hear. "Get me out of here, man, and I'll help you hold our spot." I could smell the stench of zombie as it wafted down the shaft. My vision was dimming around the edges. I was in real danger of blacking out. Who knows, maybe that would be better.

I could hear some scuffling up ahead and John must have forgotten we were tethered as I was pulled quickly ahead six inches; my cheek bled as it was raked against a rock. The hole I was in was narrowing even more the further up I went. I had to turn my head to the side to be able to fit through. Then, as I was about halfway through the narrow gap, my movement stopped. My head was canted to the side and the valium had completely worked through my system. I was f.u.c.ked and in a full on panic. Terror ripped through my body as I lay immobile. My neck was starting to scream in protest at the direction it was forced to be in. My shoulders were on fire and my chest was shuddering while I tried to pull in more air. A sardine had more room in its final tin resting place than I had.

"John, help me, man," I said on the verge of tears. Nothing. "Please," I begged.

I began to jerkily move forward, it didn't feel right, but at this point I didn't care if zombies had improved their motor skills and were now reeling me in like a hooked tuna. My a.s.s was lodged in the tunnel, but at least I could now move my head and finally see the light at the end. Actually, I could see a small sliver of sky-which was comforting-yet I could not move to get any closer. From the tips of my fingers to the lip of the edge couldn't have been more than six feet-or the way I was stuck, thirty miles.

"Get your own tickets!" I heard John screaming from a distance.

We were no longer tied together. If he were to die, or more likely forget I ever existed, I would surely die here.

"p.u.s.s.y," I said aloud. "You talking to me? I'm f.u.c.king cracking up, that's what I get for hanging with John too long. Aren't you like half Drac now? More like a quarter and what's that got to do with anything?" Right now it had everything to do with everything. "You're strong, Talbot, stronger than you should be. f.u.c.king dig deep, Marine!" I screamed.

I pulled my arms in so that I could start to toss the rocks in front of me out of the hole. After a few missed attempts, I had them all out. Just that added bit of s.p.a.ce comforted me, that or I had finally decided to pull my fate out of the hands of a man aptly named John the Tripper. I turned my hands outward, and with my finger tips, sought to seek purchase on the solid ground ahead of me. Simultaneously, I placed my feet against the wall and then I pulled or pushed as the case may be. Nothing! I was straining; every muscle I could use in the fight to freedom was being exerted to its maximum. Still nothing...then a sliver. I moved no more than a hair's width, but I f.u.c.king moved! I redoubled my efforts.

Pebbles scrabbled past as I wiggled, writhed, and shook my way forward. I hadn't moved more than six inches and I was bathed in a sweat that had a hard time finding a release from my lard-caked body. I felt at least one fingernail rip free from its moorings, I didn't stop to mourn its loss, and I pressed on. Occasionally I could hear John's screams, but the rush of blood through my ears made it difficult to ascertain how near or how far away he was.

My entire body was through the small channel. It wasn't exactly voluminous where I was, but comparatively speaking, it was the d.a.m.ned Grand Canyon. Okay, maybe more like Brice Canyon, but a canyon nonetheless. My finger tips were at the edge, I gripped it and heaved. I fell out like a bowling bowl from the bottom of a defective carrying bag (with a solid thunk if the a.n.a.logy wasn't clear enough).

I stayed on the ground for a moment, reveling in my victory. I had completely torn off the fingernail on my left index finger. The rest would take expert ministrations from a team of Asian pedicurists to get back to something acceptable and I didn't give one s.h.i.+t. I stood up and winced as I placed my hands over my head-this time to shout, "I'm free!"

John was at least a hundred yards away he was backpedaling as two deaders with outstretched arms were almost within grasp. I couldn't tell from this distance what it was, but something tripped the Tripper and down he went. The zombies were nearly upon him.

I ripped off my tin foil hat and as I screamed it, I thought it. "COME TO ME!"

"What was that?" Tomas asked, wincing as he reached up and placed his hands against his head.

Eliza turned to the west in the direction the summons had come. She wiped her hand across the bottom of her nose and was surprised to see a droplet of blood.

"The game is afoot," was all she said.

The zombies did not hesitate as they turned away from John and made a straight line right for me. I walked out to meet them as they got closer.

"Stop," I ordered them as I grabbed each of the sides of their heads in my palms and drove their skulls together. The impact shattered the bone and echoed throughout the small valley we found ourselves in. They fell in a heap like the lovers that they appeared to have been once upon a time.

"The hat, man, put the hat back on!" John was shouting as he ran closer.