The Good News About Marriage Part 6

I'm constantly surprised in looking at second marriages, even with the challenges of a blended family, at how happy they are. They say, "I was so immature before. But I learned my lesson, and this time is different. This time, I knew what to look for. What I need to change."

Although divorce leaves many scars and second marriages come with unique challenges, the "I've learned my lesson, and this time is different" reaction is one reason that I see hope in the most recent BLS study and the Census Bureau's second-marriage data above. Although the divorce rate may be higher for re-marriages, especially in the first few years, I think many remarried couples are actually less likely to divorce the second time around. They feel like they have, in my friend's words, "done it wrong" once, and they are determined not to do that again. They are committed for life.

Giving Hope

Knowing the good news may, in the end, make it easier for them to keep that commitment. After having been a single mom for years, another friend of mine just got remarried. After reading a draft of this chapter, she e-mailed me this: This is so personal for me coming into a remarriage that I truly hope will be a blessed and happy marriage. I find that I have this subconscious fear, especially when there is conflict and things aren't going well. Fear that I am responsible. Fear that I will make a mistake. Fear that I need a backup plan, that I must protect my kids if something goes wrong. Maybe all that fades after the first five years and you don't worry about all the "what ifs" each time. But that is where communication, trust, and prayer play such a large role in remarriage. You come into it already damaged once.

I realize I have to work constantly to make sure I stay open to my husband and do not slide into protective mode when I am worried, hurt, upset, or tired. To me, the hopeful message of the book is something that will help so much. This hope will be one of the things I look toward when I am sliding toward protecting myself or my kids; it will help me to stop that trend and instead lean into my marriage and husband in the way we deserve.

Remember the remarried couple I quoted at the beginning of the chapter? They said they made it due to the vision that they had "of what it could be like if we chose to press on." And, they said, "That gave us hope, although sometimes it was literally the last thread we were holding on to."

A thread is better than nothing, but it seems so fragile. How much more of that all-important hope might we give the two in ten couples who are remarried if they knew that they had a much greater chance of making it than they thought?

Summary * Most people, including leaders, erroneously believe that 60 percent of second marriages and 73 percent of third marriages fail.

* We have tried for years to trace the sources for those numbers and have found that, as far as we can tell right now, they don't exist. They appear to be pure urban legend, which is perpetuated in part because there simply aren't very many studies on remarriages and those that do exist aren't well known.

* According to 2009 Census Bureau data, just as 71 percent of women are still married to their first spouse, 65 percent of women are still married to their second spouse.

* Among the 35 percent who aren't still married to their second spouse, a much larger percentage of that is probably due to death than in first marriages, simply because these couples tend to be older. In fact, it is a.n.a.lytically possible that especially after the first few high-risk years, the remarriage divorce rate could be lower than for first marriages.

* According to the data we do have, and what we can infer from various studies, roughly one-third of second marriages appear to end in divorce.

Good News #4 The large majority of remarriages last. Among women in second marriages, 65 percent are still married to their spouse, and of those who aren't, many were widowed rather than divorced.

6.

How Most Marriage Problems Can Be Fixed by Small Changes

After the release of my book For Women Only, people began sharing the most rewarding stories about couples whose marriages had been saved, changed, or restored through the knowledge they gained from that research. In the same way that I had been astonished by what I was learning about men (especially Jeff) while I was writing it, my female readers seemed to suddenly see something they simply didn't know before. As I began speaking at women's conferences, countless women were relaying stories of how they would read the book in bed next to their husband, come across a finding about men that shocked them, turn to their man, and say, "Is this true?" Upon hearing (most of the time) yes, that was true, they would begin a deep conversation and discover things about their man that they hadn't learned in twenty-five years of marriage, usually things their husband hadn't known how to articulate. And upon the release of the corresponding book about women, For Men Only, the aha moments went both ways. Using these discoveries, men and women started to change what they did and said to align with what they now understood about their spouse.

What I was continuously struck by, though-in their lives and in mine-was how simple the changes often were. It was as if, with a little bit of extra knowledge about their spouse, people could scoot themselves into a whole new realm of marriage. Some folks already had a good marriage, while others had been unhappy for years; but either way just a few eye-opening pieces of information somehow allowed these men and women to help themselves instead of feeling helpless.

And early on, I heard a story that clued me in to the fact that there was an even bigger implication behind this trend, an implication that has a vital part to play in countering the current sense of futility about marriage.

After twelve years of marriage, a couple we'll call Nelly and Brad had separated. Although neither started out believing in divorce, he had given up on the idea of ever being able to please her, and as he grew more and more distant, she became more and more critical and was convinced he had a personality disorder that made him narcissistic.

Finally Brad gave up. He rented an apartment closer to his trucking company's headquarters about two hours away. By this point, things were so bad between them that his only regret was being so far away from their twin four-year-old daughters. He told me later, "That was what really killed me-the idea of not being able to see my girls all the time."

About two months later, on the road in his rig, he caught a few minutes of a radio interview where I discussed For Women Only and what I learned about how men think. He was astonished, not because of what I shared about men's fears and needs, but because it sounded as though women didn't already know what they were.

The next day, on the last leg home, he happened to walk into a truck stop and see the companion book, For Men Only, on a spinner rack. After reading a few chapters over lunch, he headed out-not to his apartment, but to the house he had shared with his wife. He walked in, opened up the book, pointed to several pa.s.sages, and said, "Is this true of you?"

Suddenly, both of them started talking. He suddenly understood so many things that weren't just his wife's issues but were common to most women. He saw how much certain actions of his had hurt her ... and how much she hadn't realized she was hurting him!

And on her part, Nelly began to see that what she took as his ego was actually a deep self-doubt and longing to be appreciated. They spent most of the night discussing things they had never known before, and the next day, he drove down to his apartment, packed his things, and came home.

I was so touched when he shared his story with me. But as I heard another like it ... and another ... I began to realize, If just a little bit of new knowledge can save a marriage, there are a whole lot of unnecessary divorces going on.

If just a little bit of new knowledge can save a marriage, there are a whole lot of unnecessary divorces going on.

It's Usually Not the Big-Ticket Problems

As noted in chapter 3, most marriages, thankfully, are happy. More than a third, in fact, are very happy. But as I've conducted my interviews and surveys with those men and women who are "mostly happy" or in "so-so or struggling" marriages, I frequently hear something important under the surface, a feeling that I can only describe as a combination of confusion and helplessness. That feeling of He's upset with me and I don't know why or I can't seem to really make her happy, no matter how hard I try.

That sense of confusion and helplessness is just one step removed from a sense of futility. The feeling that having a good marriage or fixing a troubled one requires a PhD in clinical psychology with a minor in mind reading. And it is that helpless feeling that is so often quickly blown away by simply having a little information the couple didn't have before.

The good-news truth that Jeff and I have seen over the years, that Brad and Nelly's story hints at and that countless counselors have confirmed, is that most marriage breakdowns are not caused by what you might call the deep, systemic big-ticket problems-for example, by one spouse being an alcoholic or having been s.e.xually abused as a child. Those problems do happen and it is tragic when they do, but they aren't the majority of cases. Instead, what usually happens is that a husband and wife who deeply care about each other are tripped up by some relatively simple things, often resulting from a lack of knowledge about what the other person needs or what hurts them. They simply don't know some elementary needs and fears shared by not only their spouse but most other men or women, or they don't know a few simple day-to-day actions that would make a big difference to the happiness of the marriage.

Let's look at two intertwined good-news truths I've seen in the research.

Truth 1: More Than 99 Percent of Spouses Deeply Care About Each Other

In our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Jeff and I identified several simple things that the happiest spouses do that they often don't even realize are making them so happy.100 And one of the most important is that they try to believe the best of their spouse's intentions even when they have been hurt.

We found in our research that the vast majority of spouses-more than 99 percent overall, and only a few points less even in troubled marriages-care deeply about their mate (see graph).101 The problem is their mate doesn't always believe it.

Out of the 1,261 people who have answered that completely anonymous survey question, only nine people said they didn't really care about their spouse anymore. Not 9 percent-nine people! Even in the most troubled marriages, 97 percent of the survey takers said they cared about their spouse. And yet of those spouses, only 59 percent believed it. That gap is a major reason for all the unnecessary unhappiness and angst in marriage. A hurting spouse thinks He [or She] doesn't care about me-but that just isn't true!

Do You Care About Your Spouse and Want the Best for Them, Even During Painful Times?

Indeed, our For Women Only and For Men Only surveys revealed how much people really do care about their mates. When we gave the men and women an open-ended s.p.a.ce and essentially asked, "What's the one most important thing you wish your spouse knew?" we were surprised and touched to see that the top answer by far for the men were comments that relayed "how much I love her," and the top answer for women were comments that conveyed that "he is my hero."

We have seen conclusively that most of us care about our spouses and want the best for them. We want our mates to be happy. And in most cases, we not only feel that caring feeling toward our spouses, but we are trying hard to show that we care. We are trying to do the right things.

The problem is that most of us are, without realizing it, also carrying around some incorrect a.s.sumptions about what our spouses need, usually because we don't inherently know a few deeply buried but vital needs and insecurities of the opposite s.e.x. So when we try to do the right things, all too often we are trying hard in the wrong areas and not making the other person feel cared for in the way we think we are. All too often our spouses aren't feeling the way we think they should feel after all our hard work. And unfortunately, sometimes we are even hurting the other person without ever realizing it.

All of this is why a little new knowledge can make such a big difference. Once someone learns a key fact about what their spouse needs (or what hurts them), they can try hard in the right areas. They can avoid hurting the person who matters most to them.

Truth 2: In 82 Percent of Struggling Couples, One Partner Is Simply Unaware the Other Is Not Happy

You may remember from the Linda Waite study mentioned in chapter 3 that when the most deeply hurting couples stuck with their marriages, eight in ten of them were happily married five years later. Those kinds of turnarounds demonstrate just how unlikely it is that most of those problems were deep-rooted, highly complex issues.102 Instead, one of the reasons that sticking with it is probably so effective is something that I found in our nationally representative survey.103 In 82 percent of the so-so or struggling marriages, one of the partners didn't seem to realize their spouse was actually not happy. Couples in which both people answered that they weren't happy comprised only four percentage points out of the 22 percent of couples who were listed as struggling. In all the rest, one partner said he or she was happy. This is a high degree of simply not being clued in to a partner's unhappiness.

Marriages Where One or Both Spouses Are Less Than Happy Both partners agree they are less than happy 18% One spouse thinks the marriage is happy 82% Source: Data from The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages study, Shaunti Feldhahn, 2013.

As odd as it sounds, I see this as hopeful. It would seem to be far easier to get one slightly oblivious and one hurting person to change than to get two people entrenched in anger and hurt to change. It is a lot easier to solve a lack of awareness than alcoholism. Remember, even the most hurting spouses usually care about and want the best for their mates. Sure, there are also some marriages ruined by inconsiderate jerks who simply don't care, but that is a tiny percentage of the total. In most cases, just because a spouse doesn't truly see something, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't care.

It is a lot easier to solve a lack of awareness than alcoholism.

Not long ago, I was sharing this research with Emerson Eggerichs, who wrote the groundbreaking book Love and Respect and whose input has been extraordinarily helpful to my research over the years. When I referred to a high degree of "cluelessness" among one spouse in 82 percent of those struggling couples, he quickly stopped me. "That word gives completely the wrong impression," he said. "It implies someone who is disengaged, uncaring, and out of touch. I'm guessing that the person who doesn't 'see' the problem is more likely to be the husband, but he's not uncaring. He cares about his wife deeply. He would die for her. The problem is he doesn't necessarily know how to live for her. For example, he is working seventy-hour weeks to provide and say 'I love you' and doesn't know that she's getting more and more unhappy because she wants more time with him. So he is trying hard but is missing the mark, and doesn't know how to fix it. This is why your work and mine makes such a big difference. It is turning on the light bulb, so he does know how to fix it."

If indeed most problems require intervention but not rocket science, and if one can "wake up" or educate one or both spouses and restore commitment, it makes sense that a few changes should be able to make a big difference. It makes sense that within five years a couple could have gone from very unhappy to very happy.

A Case Study Close to Home

What might a "few changes that make a big difference" look like? I'll give you an example that hits very close to home-the cla.s.sic love-respect disconnect that Jeff and I surveyed men and women about and that Emerson details in Love and Respect. The cla.s.sic disconnect that I, it turns out, had in full measure.

Like most wives, I love my husband very much, and through the years frequently said "I love you" to Jeff and did loving things; it just poured out of me naturally. But I had no idea that while he thought that was nice, it didn't have nearly the impact for him that respect did-for example, knowing that I appreciated him or chose to trust him.

In fact, like three out of four men on my eventual survey for For Women Only, Jeff needed respect so much he would give up love to get it. But I didn't realize that, or how much he needed to see that I trusted him as a good father, or how great it felt to hear me say appreciative things like "Thank you for working so hard to support the family." I rarely showed him that sort of overt appreciation. Even though I certainly felt it inside, I didn't think to say it. In other words, I was, without realizing it, working hard in the wrong areas and simply wasn't making Jeff feel truly cared for like I thought I was. I was, in fact, clueless. (I can say that about myself!) And worse, I often made him feel very uncared for. Not realizing that a man's most painful feeling is insecurity, I would question his decisions all the time or tease him in front of others. I had no idea he would, as he says now, "rather chew broken gla.s.s" than endure some of my "harmless" jokes in front of those he cared about and wanted to respect him. To my shame, and like all too many other women, I thought he was oversensitive. I thought those things shouldn't bother him. And it wasn't until I first stumbled into this area of research that I realized I was thinking that way simply because they wouldn't bother me.

What I had to learn was that my husband was very, very different from me. And (I hate to confess this) I also had to recognize that not only did his emotional needs and insecurities exist, but they were just as legitimate as my own. Like many women, I simply didn't know that the vast majority of men were just like him.

And Jeff, like many other men, had things he simply didn't know about me, needs and insecurities he didn't realize were legitimate and common to most women. Once we began learning these things, everything in our marriage changed. We hadn't come close to divorce like Brad and Nelly, but we certainly had many unhappy days. We had many nights where one of us would sleep in the guest bedroom because we couldn't bear to sleep next to the person who should care about us the most but didn't seem to care about us at all. We had whole vacations spoiled by being carefully polite on the outside in front of others while seething with anger or hurt on the inside.

Like so many other marriages, ours was hurting due to something as tragically stupid as a lack of the right information. And as with so many others, all that changed for us once we learned these few things we didn't know before. It didn't happen overnight, of course. On my side, for example, it took me years to unlearn the damaging habit of telling Jeff exactly how I wanted him to do things: how to drive, where to park, how to dress our kids, what he should have said in the business meeting-all the things that tell any man "You're an idiot" without his wife ever realizing it. It took me years to get into the habit of not just feeling but saying thank you (important to 98 percent of men), to recognize the self-doubt he had inside (like 75 percent of men), or to see that physical intimacy was (as for 97 percent of men) primarily an emotional need for him.

And Jeff had his own unlearning and relearning to do, such as recognizing that to me (as with 70 percent of all other married women), his seventy-hour workweeks to support the family weren't nearly as important as ensuring the two of us were close. Or pulling himself out of a funk when he was in a bad mood (important to 97 percent of women), or rea.s.suring me that "We're okay" if we were in conflict (like 95 percent of women).104 But notice, none of those things were big-ticket, systemic issues. None required a PhD to solve. As HomeWord founder Jim Burns once told us, the types of things that we found in our research that people didn't always know were "truths that were hidden in plain sight."

We did seek counsel at times, and we did need help in understanding how to apply what we were learning, but ultimately, with some new knowledge and appreciation about what the other person most needed and was most hurt by, we could help ourselves. We didn't have that helpless feeling anymore. Marriage didn't have to be so hard.

The Hope of the Simple Solution

We have since seen that pattern repeated literally thousands of times in our research, and it is just as important of a good-news truth as a lower divorce rate or a higher rate of happiness. The idea that it will take years of work, pain, complicated effort, and three-times-a-week counseling to fix something is enough to discourage far too many couples before they start. Of course, we know that in some cases, many years of hard, slogging efforts are indeed required. But in most cases, those fears are exaggerated; in most cases, the sun can s.h.i.+ne through the storm clouds much more quickly. We know that ... but many couples don't.

Most couples don't mind the idea of working hard at marriage. What discourages them is the idea that marriage itself is inherently hard and complicated, or that working hard won't pay off.

In my experience-and probably in yours-most couples don't mind the idea of working hard at marriage. What discourages them is the idea that marriage itself is inherently hard and complicated, or that working hard won't pay off. Because that implies that a truly delightful marriage simply isn't realistic for the average couple.

One young couple I know has been together for ten years, has two children, and has no plans to get married. She would like to, but he is skeptical. "What does the piece of paper matter?" he says. "We have children. We love each other. That should be enough."

When I asked him why he thought the piece of paper-the legal marriage-didn't matter, he looked at me as politely as he could while also looking at me like I was crazy. "Most marriages break up, and most married couples argue all the time. Why would I want some of that? It's better as we are. Keep it simple. Keep it simple."

While I privately suspect that disdain for the "piece of paper" is a subconscious way to hide his understandable fear of a full commitment that he worries he'll be inadequate to uphold, his comments are a pretty good indication of just how much all the good-news truths we've talked about are needed in today's culture.

So with that in mind, let's take a deep breath and transition from the five good-news facts to what a difference it would make in our culture if everyone knew the truth of them.

Summary * Often, the actions needed to make a great marriage, or to turn around a struggling one, are simple.

* Most marriage problems are not caused by the big-ticket issues like addiction but from a buildup of misunderstandings, conflict, and hurt feelings. Often, both spouses just didn't know some elementary needs and fears shared by not only their mate but by most of their spouse's gender, so they hurt their mate without intending to.

* More than 99 percent of married people care deeply about their spouse.

* In 82 percent of struggling couples, one partner is simply unaware that their spouse is less than happy, which is a lot easier to address than both people being entrenched in hurt.

* Couples typically don't mind working hard at marriage. What discourages them is the thought that marriage itself is inherently hard or complicated, or that working hard won't make a difference. This is why it is so encouraging when they see that a few simple changes can make a big difference.

Good News #5 In most cases, having a good marriage or improving a struggling one doesn't have to be ultra-complicated or solve deep, systemic issues; small changes can and do often make a big difference.