The Good News About Marriage Part 7

7.

What a Difference the Good News Makes

When I got my first car, I wanted something cute and unique. Being twenty-three years old and about to leave for graduate school, I didn't have a lot of money, but I wanted as appealing and unique as I could get for the price. I found a perky little Isuzu with a stylish shape, and-even better-it was white. That was cool, I thought, since most people don't have white cars. But as soon as I drove it off the lot, guess what happened. I started seeing white cars everywhere! At first I was b.u.mmed that suddenly there were so many out there. Then I realized that there wasn't actually a craze for white cars; I was just noticing them more. Now that I was predisposed to see them, they took on more weight in my mind.

That same psychological principle applies to how we think about marriage and divorce. Just as with my white car, when we believe that so many marriages end in divorce, we notice the divorces more. Yep, there's another one.

We see them everywhere and subconsciously begin to think of them as the rule rather than the exception. So instead of mourning the ones that do happen as tragic exceptions, we give a fatalistic shrug. That leads to a negative spiral; as we give the marital breakdowns more weight, we don't notice or give a lot of credence to the truly happy marriages that are (as you now know) the vast majority. We develop a sense of discouragement about an inst.i.tution and a relations.h.i.+p that G.o.d designed to be one of the greatest blessings of our lives.

But we can change that pattern. Thankfully, the same psychological principle applies to how we think about the good news as well. Once you are geared to notice it, you'll see it everywhere.

Noticing the Good Around Every Corner

What a difference it will make for people to begin to notice the positive news that they just didn't see before, the encouraging data that really is there around every corner. For example, imagine the vast difference for the young person who hears the positive data one week, goes to church the next, looks around, and thinks, Most of the people in here have happy marriages-how cool. There really is something great that happens when you do marriage G.o.d's way.

Imagine the vast difference for the struggling husband or wife who pa.s.ses a happy couple on the street holding hands and thinks, If we work at it, we can get back to that, instead of thinking, They're the exception.

Imagine the difference for someone reading a news story provocatively t.i.tled "Divorce After 50 Grows More Common" who is clued in enough to notice that buried in all the doom and gloominess designed to sell papers is the statement that it may be more common than before-but is still only 15 percent of that population!105 Imagine the vast difference for the young person who hears the positive data one week, goes to church the next, looks around, and thinks, Most of the people in here have happy marriages-how cool.

Imagine those patterns repeated in every community, in every church or synagogue, in every corner around the country. Do you think that will make a difference in how people feel about marriage?

Let me emphasize again: I am not in any way denying that there is still plenty of sobering information out there. None of what I've shown you is evidence that we've been living in some sort of marriage utopia all along. The divorce rate is still too high. Too many marriages still do struggle. Some people give up too easily. Others are impacted by someone else's poor choices.

But for too long we've been giving that bad news more weight than it actually has in reality-and giving the good news too little. Jud Wilhite, the pastor of Las Vegas megachurch Central Christian, put it this way when I shared this data with him: "People have been discouraged about marriage for so long. And yes, there are still problems; you make that clear. But people already know the problems! What they don't know is some of the good stuff. That simple sense of hope is like a drink of water to some very thirsty people."

Thirsty People Looking for Water

If G.o.d really has put a longing for an abundant, joyful, happy marriage in the human heart, then it is no wonder that people are thirsty for good news, for that sense of hope instead of futility. But I also think it is part of a bigger story. In this divided, stressful day and age, I think people are thirsty for good news of all kinds.

I see that exemplified in the history of the company that makes my favorite clothes: those casual, stonewashed T-s.h.i.+rts with the "Life is good" slogan. In 1994, the same year I was graduating from grad school in Boston and marrying my husband, the founders of that company were experiencing their own life-changing moment across town. Brothers Bert and John Jacobs were designing T-s.h.i.+rts and selling them door to door to college students out of the back of a minivan, but they weren't making much progress and were thinking of giving it up.

On one road trip, they got into a discussion about how the news on TV always seems to be negative, focusing on what is wrong-and yet, they thought, people were thirsty for good news. So, they drew a little stick figure they named Jake, a guy who was smiling and looked like he enjoyed life, a guy who could figure things out. Underneath Jake, they put the slogan "Life is good." They printed up forty-eight T-s.h.i.+rts, took them to the streets of Boston ... and sold out in forty-five minutes. They realized how much people need signals of hope and good news, and that is the need on which they have since built a $100 million company. As Bert said, "That was the day that changed everything."106 I've seen that need too. As I share this information, people latch on to it-not with the look of someone coolly thinking Oh, how very interesting, but in some cases with the look of a drowning person who has been tossed a life preserver.

People are truly longing for good news. Not the "let's just put a good face on things" kind, but the truly good news we subconsciously know must be out there somewhere, if G.o.d really has promised that He wants good things for us.

"The Implications Are Enormous"

I mentioned earlier that the first time I publicly shared this data was at a conference for pastors and leaders who worked with marriages and families. One marriage ministry leader came up to me afterward and said, "If this is true, the implications are enormous."

I have heard that many times since then, and they are right-the implications are enormous! With this news, we have a way to rea.s.sure a struggling couple that they can get their happy marriage back. We can confidently say "Going to church does matter." Talking to an unmarried couple who says "Why bother getting married?" we can confidently say "Because once you commit for life, you're much likelier to be happy and enjoy your relations.h.i.+p!" But perhaps the most significant, personal implication is knowing with certainty that we can still believe in marriage.

With that knowledge, we can begin to do things differently. In fact, we will begin to do things differently. When I shared this information with the event coordinator at a recent women's conference, she surprised me when she instantly said, "This is so practical." When I asked what she meant, she explained that her background was in counseling, then said, "This isn't just esoteric knowledge; it is day-to-day practical. Because most of us just act the way we see things. You do what you know. So when you see something differently, that becomes the new normal and you act differently as a result."

"You can believe in marriage" can be the new normal. Yes, the implications of that are enormous for what we do as individuals-and as leaders.

"You can believe in marriage" can be the new normal. Yes, the implications of that are enormous for what we do as individuals-and as leaders.

The Difference It Makes for Leaders

Those who work in the marriage arena, whether directly with couples or in a bigger-picture way such as policy development, are thought leaders, meaning their thoughts and perceptions about marriage and divorce directly influence what others will think. One therapist gave a great example of how a small change in the perception of a leader can mean a dramatic ripple-effect s.h.i.+ft for everyone else: In the first few sessions of marital therapy, I have one goal: de-escalating what is going on. As part of that, I am holding the hope for them. As therapists, that is our role. These couples usually don't have that hope when they come in, and they are looking to us to help them find it again. So if we feel more hope, they will too.

What a leader chooses to do and say will often change in a very concrete way once they know some of these facts that they just didn't know before. As one marriage counselor put it, For the last fifteen years, I've been held hostage by numbers I couldn't argue with. I've done my best, but I was basically putting a good spin on things. But knowing that the great news is out there, I can actually show a couple the numbers that so many marriages are happy, or that it really is possible to become happy if you stick to it. That's liberating. It's like the difference between a doctor saying "You've got cancer, but with this type of cancer, most people make it" and having to say "You've got cancer and we'll fight it, but the odds aren't great."

The good news is also personally encouraging for pastors and others who work with a body of people and are already working hard to support marriages. One told me, "You know what this does? In a weird way, it actually allows me to relax a bit. I really have felt that what we were doing at our church was working. It didn't match the numbers I'd heard, but it matched what I saw around me. I would suggest to pastors: if what you're doing is working, don't second-guess yourself. For example, Weekend to Remember conferences or Love and Respect conferences have enormous benefit. You don't need to redesign what is clearly working." He thought for a moment and then continued, "And do a survey. I think that's my next step. To know the real-deal needs we should add or adjust, rather than guessing."

Another told me knowing this information was a relief for a completely different reason: I was the marriage and family pastor for about ten years and just took over as senior pastor a year ago. But in all that time, we've primarily been reacting to problems. Partly because we thought that was what was most needed, but also partly because I'm not sure we believed it was possible to make such a wholesale difference. So it is huge to find out that we don't need to make a wholesale difference! I don't need to change 50 or 60 or 70 percent of the congregation-I only need in-depth help for 5 percent, maybe 10 percent, and encouragement and community support for everyone else. That is doable.

"For Relations.h.i.+ps, It Always Comes Down to Hope"

Not long ago at an event in New England, I sat down with Paul Friesen, author, with his wife, Virginia, of The Marriage App and a leader, therapist, and pastor who had encouraged me in this research years ago. I wanted to brief him and Virginia on the results of this long investigative study, especially since they were there near the very beginning and had heard some very early results. I asked them for their perspective as authors, speakers, and therapists in the marriage arena. A few days later he sent me a long e-mail. I am going to conclude with his message in its entirety because it so perfectly captures the transforming power of hope: For relations.h.i.+ps, it always comes down to hope. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and a.s.surance about what we do not see." Faith is tied to what is hoped for. This makes a lot of practical sense. If there is no hope, there will be little faith; if there is little faith, there will be little healing.

Our daughter is an athletic trainer. And after a serious injury, an athlete will always say something like, "Is there any hope I will play again?" The answer to that question will greatly affect the effort of the athlete in the healing process and will actually affect the trainer's suggested regimen for the athlete.

I believe the same is true in ministry. For most couples in serious turmoil, the first two questions they ask us are, "Have you ever seen a couple as bad as we are?" And "Is there any hope?" If therapists really do not have hope that a marriage can be renewed, I honestly feel our expectations are low and we do not "give it our best shot" nor is the couple motivated to do the work necessary. In essence, we decide to call hospice rather than the surgeon. We end up just coming alongside the couple as they divorce.

But if we truly believe in G.o.d's power to change and transform, we have not only hope that it can change but faith that it will change!

If couples have more hope, they will come for counsel earlier. After all, if we believe a disease can be cured if caught early, we are much more likely to check ourselves in than if we feel there is no hope, so why go through the misery of the treatment?

One couple came to us after three therapists told them there was no hope. We told them there is always hope if both wish to save the marriage. That was sixteen years ago, and they are still married, and now leading marriage cla.s.ses.

Most couples will stay married (or not) based on marital satisfaction not marital statistics. However, I do believe statistics will have an effect on how they approach marriage to begin with, as well as how they continue to fight for their marriage. And that is far more likely to give them the marriage that they are hoping for. There are very few areas of life that impact us more, day to day, than our relations.h.i.+ps. Telling people that there are those things that are excellent and beautiful and worthy of praise-pointing them out, so they know they are there-gives them exactly what they need to hold on to as they walk this life together.

At the end of the day, we need to truly grasp the goodness that G.o.d wants to give us as we hope in Him. We need to truly grasp the power of the Gospel to heal and give us life (and marriages!) to the full.

I believe that truly is G.o.d's intent for us and for our marriages. Now that we know that the news isn't all bad ... that there is much that is excellent, and beautiful, and worthy of praise ... let us see what a difference it makes when that becomes our new normal.

Summarizing The Good News About Marriage Following are the most important good-news findings, estimates, and conclusions in this book. My goal is to provide something helpful and quick for the busy marriage therapist, pastor, priest, counselor, or other reader who wants a crib sheet on what we found. Contrary to popular opinion, the good news is that...

The actual divorce rate has never gotten close to 50 percent. There is no way to nail down one final divorce rate. However, according to the Census Bureau,i 72 percent of people today are still married to their first spouse. And among the 28 percent who aren't, a portion of those marriages ended in widowhood, not divorce. Thus, the current divorce rate is probably closer to 20 to 25 percent for first marriages and 31 percent for all marriages (first and subsequent marriages). According to the same census report, 30.8 percent of ever-married women have been divorced. Many other studies have found similar numbers.ii Most marriages are happy. Although most people think that only about a third of marriages are happy, in reality around 80 percent of marriages are happy. In multiple surveys, 91 to 97 percent of respondents say their marriages are happy.iii In my own survey that categorized couples based on the answers of both the husband and the wife (including, perhaps, a slightly higher number of distressed couples), 71 percent of couples were happy, with 34 percent being very happy.iv In another poll, 93 percent said they would marry their spouse all over again.v Encouragingly, if those who are most unhappy stick with it, they rate their marriages as the most happy within five years.vi The rate of divorce in the church is not the same as the rate among those who don't attend wors.h.i.+p services. The common belief to the contrary is based on a misunderstanding of the well-known George Barna studies. In fact, every study that has been done has found that those who act on their faith by attending wors.h.i.+p services, praying with their spouse, and so on are happier and closer in their marriage and/or have a significantly lower divorce rate. Several studies have found the rate of divorce among church attenders falls by roughly 2550 percent.vii Special a.n.a.lysis of the Barna data shows that among those who attend church weekly, the divorce rate drops by 27 percent from those who do not.viii Most remarriages survive just fine. Although popular myth puts the divorce rate for second marriages at over 60 percent and for third marriages at over 73 percent, these numbers appear to be purely urban legend. Census Bureau numbers show that 65 percent of women in second marriages are still married to their spouse, meaning only 35 percent of those marriages ended (and it is likely that a fairly significant percentage of those ended with the death of a spouse).ix In fact, the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that second marriages of a high-risk group of baby boomers had only a 36 percent divorce rate.x So we can estimate that roughly one-third of all remarriages have ended in divorce. The greatest spike in divorce in remarriages occurs within the first five years.xi Most marriage problems are not caused by big-ticket issues, and simple changes can make a big difference. Most marriage problems are caused by day-to-day misunderstandings, unintended hurt, and trying hard in the wrong areas. Fully 99 percent of married people-and 97 percent even among struggling couples-care about their spouse and want the best for them. But in 82 percent of struggling couples, one partner is simply unaware of the other spouse's unhappiness.xii And since solving a lack of awareness is simpler than addressing major systemic issues, such as addiction, that is one reason why those who stick with tough marriages usually find themselves very happy five years later.

In summary, although there is plenty of very real concern surrounding the state of marriage in our culture today, many of the depressing "facts" that people think they know about marriage simply aren't true. After an eight-year study, we can firmly conclude that marriage is actually much stronger and happier than many of us have believed.

Getting this good news out there is vital for giving people hope, counteracting the dangerous feeling of futility about marriage that infects our culture, and demonstrating that we can still believe in marriage.

Visit www.goodnewsmarriage.com/leaders for a printable version of this and other tools. Enter the pa.s.sword "marriage" when prompted.

i. Rose M. Kreider and Renee Ellis, "Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2009," Current Population Reports P70-125 (2011): 19, www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/p70-125.pdf.

ii. For example, see University of Chicago, General Social Survey, 2012; University of TexasAustin, the National Fatherhood Initiative Marriage Survey, 2005; the Barna Group, 2013.

iii. See, for example, University of Chicago, General Social Survey, multiple years; University of TexasAustin, 20032004 survey for the National Fatherhood Initiative; Marist Poll 2010 for the Knights of Columbus.

iv. Shaunti Feldhahn, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages survey, conducted 20102012.

v. Norval D. Glenn, "With This Ring: A National Survey on Marriage in America," National Fatherhood Initiative, 2005, 34, http://blog.fatherhood.org/with-this-ring-survey. (The survey was conducted 20032004.) vi. Linda J. Waite et al., Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages, Inst.i.tute for American Values, 2002, 5, https://docs.google.com/viewer?url=http://americanvalues.org/catalog/pdfs/does_divorce_make_people_happy.pdf.

vii. For example, see W. Bradford Wilc.o.x, "Is Religion an Answer? Marriage, Fatherhood, and the Male Problematic," Research Brief No. 11 (New York: Inst.i.tute for American Values, 2008), www.americanvalues.org/search/item.php?id=20; "When Baby Makes Three: How Parenthood Makes Life Meaningful and How Marriage Makes Parenthood Bearable," The State of Our Unions 2011 (Charlottesville, VA: National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, 2011), 3132, figure 13, www.stateofourunions.org/2011/when-baby-makes-three.php; and Margaret L. Vaaler, Christopher G. Ellison, and Daniel A. Powers, "Religious Influences on the Risk of Marital Dissolution," Journal of Marriage and Family 71 (November 2009).

viii. Special a.n.a.lysis for Shaunti Feldhahn, 2008 OmniPoll, Barna Group, Ventura, CA, 2013.

ix. Kreider and Ellis, "Number, Timing, and Duration: 2009."

x. Alison Aughinbaugh, Omar Robles, and Hugette Sun, "Marriage and Divorce: Patterns by Gender, Race, and Educational Attainment," Monthly Labor Review (October 2013): table 3, section "Among Those Who Remarried After Divorce," www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorce-patterns-by-gender-race-and-educational-attainment.htm. The BLS examined a specific cohort in the well-known longitudinal study National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1979 (NLSY79).

xi. Joshua R. Goldstein, "The Leveling of Divorce in the United States," Demography 36, no. 3 (August 1999): 41011, http://ccutrona.public.iastate.edu/psych592a/articles/Goldstein_1999.pdf.

xii. Shaunti Feldhahn, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages survey, conducted 20102012.

FAQs

by Tally Whitehead

This Frequently Asked Questions section serves two purposes: First, to delve more deeply into some of the technical issues of the research, in a shorter Q&A style. Second, to answer the "But what about ...?" questions that have frequently been asked as we have shared our findings across the country. There is so much that Shaunti and I could not fully cover in the previous chapters, so this section will hopefully give additional clarity and perhaps ease any lingering doubts over our a.s.sertions. To keep it simple, we have divided this FAQ chapter into sections about similar subjects.

Let the questioning begin!

Rigor and Fairness

Did you look at many studies for this book, and were you fair in trying to find studies that disagreed with your thesis that there is more good news than people think?

Yes. Our overriding principle was that we wanted to get to the truth, whatever it was. Remember, we didn't start out looking for good news at all; we started out trying to find the technical information for Shaunti's columns and later, over the course of several years, for various articles on marriage and divorce. Shaunti did not wake up one day and think, I'll bet the 50 percent divorce rate is a myth that I should debunk. We looked at dozens (and eventually hundreds) of studies, data tables, and other pieces of research related to divorce, cohabitation, remarriage, and stepfamilies, and any faith-related studies that impact those life events. Through all the government statistics, academic journals, and church-oriented surveys, we became aware of the surprising facts that over and over again contradicted what we had once a.s.sumed.

However, remember that we are not claiming that there is no bad news out there. We are trying to bring balance to our culture's perception of marriage by stressing the good news that most people are not aware of or often overlook.

Were you rigorous with examining all the studies equally, including "bad news" studies that challenge your premise or "good news" studies that might not actually have been done very well?