A Book of Burlesques Part 22

Malaria? Marasmus? Chlorosis? Teta.n.u.s? Quinsy? Housemaid's knee?

THE BRIDE'S FATHER

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

You had measles, I a.s.sume, in your infancy?

THE BRIDE'S FATHER

Yes.

THE CLERGYMAN

Chicken pox? Mumps? Scarlatina? Cholera morbus? Diphtheria?

THE BRIDE'S FATHER

Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No.

THE CLERGYMAN

You are, I a.s.sume, a multipara?

THE BRIDE'S FATHER

A what?

THE CLERGYMAN

That is to say, you have had more than one child?

THE BRIDE'S FATHER

No.

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Professionally_) How sad! You will miss her!

THE BRIDE'S FATHER

One job like this is en----

THE CLERGYMAN

(_Interrupting suavely_) But let us proceed. The ceremony must not be lengthened unduly, however interesting. We now approach the benediction.

(_Dipping his gloved hands into the basin of b.i.+.c.hloride, he joins the right hands of_ THE BRIDE _and_ THE BRIDEGROOM.)

THE CLERGYMAN

(_To_ THE BRIDEGROOM) Repeat after me: "I, John, take thee, Mary, to be my wedded and aseptic wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, convalescence, relapse and health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part; and thereto I plight thee my troth."

(THE BRIDEGROOM _duly repeats the formula_, THE CLERGYMAN _now looses their hands, and after another dip into the b.i.+.c.hloride, joins them together again_.)

THE CLERGYMAN

(_To_ THE BRIDE) Repeat after me: "I, Mary, take thee, John, to be my aseptic and eugenic husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, to love, to cherish and to nurse, till death do us part; and thereto I give thee my troth."

(THE BRIDE _duly promises._ THE BEST MAN _then hands over the ring, which_ THE CLERGYMAN _drops into the b.i.+.c.hloride. It turns green. He fishes it up again, wipes it dry with a piece of aseptic cotton and presents it to_ THE BRIDEGROOM, _who places it upon the third finger of_ THE BRIDE'S _left hand. Then_ THE CLERGYMAN _goes on with the ceremony,_ THE BRIDEGROOM _repeating after him._)

THE CLERGYMAN

Repeat after me: "With this sterile ring I thee wed, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow."

(THE CLERGYMAN _then joins the hands of_ THE BRIDE _and_ BRIDEGROOM _once more, and dipping his own right hand into the b.i.+.c.hloride, solemnly sprinkles the pair._)

THE CLERGYMAN

Those whom G.o.d hath joined together, let no pathogenic organism put asunder. (_To the a.s.sembled company._) Forasmuch as John and Mary have consented together in aseptic wedlock, and have witnessed the same by the exchange of certificates, and have given and pledged their troth, and have declared the same by giving and receiving an aseptic ring, I p.r.o.nounce that they are man and wife. In the name of Mendel, of Galton, of Havelock Ellis and of David Starr Jordan. Amen.

(THE BRIDE _and_ BRIDEGROOM _now kiss, for the first and last time, after which they gargle with two per cent carbolic and march out of the room, followed by_ THE BRIDE'S FATHER _and the spectators._ THE BEST MAN, _before departing after them, hands_ THE CLERGYMAN _a ten-dollar gold-piece in a small phial of twenty per cent b.i.+.c.hloride._ THE CLERGYMAN, _after pocketing it, washes his hands with green soap._ THE BRIDESMAIDS _proceed to clean up the room with the remaining b.i.+.c.hloride.

This done, they and_ THE CLERGYMAN _go out. As soon as they are gone, the operating table is pushed back into place by an orderly, a patient is brought in, and a surgeon proceeds to cut off his leg._)

_X.--TALES OF THE MORAL AND PATHOLOGICAL_

_X.--Tales of the Moral and Pathological_