The Humors of Falconbridge Part 23

One very cold night, in January, '39, Jake Hinkle came down to the "Court House," hitched his horse to the Court Square fence, and made a straight bend for Sanders' "Grocery," and began to "wood up." Old Jake's tongue was a perfect bell-clapper, and when well oiled with corn juice, could rip into the high and low Dutch like a nor'easter into a field of broom corn. Jake talked and talked, and drank and talked, and about midnight, the c.o.c.ks crowing, the stars winking and blinking, and the wind nipping and whistling around the grocery, Sanders notified Jake and others that he was going to shut up the concern, and the crowd must be "putting out." Jake made a break for his nag, but she was gone. "Why,"

says Jake, "she's broke der pridle and gone home, and by skure I shall walk,"--and off Jake put, through the cold and mud.

Next morning, when the Circleville stage came along between old Marm Rodger's "bottom," and the Rattle Snake Fork of Paint, the driver discovered poor old Jake laid out, stiff and cold as a wedge! Alas, poor old Jake! Gone! Quite a gloom hung over the "grocery;" Jake was an inoffensive, good old fellow, n.o.body denied that, and certain young "fellers" who had shaved the tail of Jake's mare the night previous, and set her loose, now felt sort of sorry for the deed. The editor of the "Argus of Freedom" came down to the "grocery," to get his morning "nip,"

heard the news, went back to his office, "set up" Jake's obituary notice, pitched in a few sorrowful phrases, and then put his paper to press; that afternoon, the whole edition, of some two hundred copies, were distributed around among the subscribers and "dead heads," and Jake Hinkle was p.r.o.nounced stone dead--_pegged out!_

Two or three days afterwards, a man covered with mud and sweat, came rus.h.i.+ng into Was.h.i.+ngton. He paused not, nor turned not right or left, until he found the office of the "Argus of Freedom," where he rushed in, and confronting the editor, he spluttered forth:--

"You der printer of dish paper,--der noosh paper?"

"Yes," says the 'responsible,' "I am the man," looking a little wild.

"Vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for you'n make me deat?"

"Me? Make you dead?" says the no little astonished editor.

"Yaas!" bawled old Jake, for it was he--"You'n tell de people I diet; _it's a lie!_ And do you neber do it again, and fool de peeples, _witout you git a written order from me!_"

That editor, ever afterwards, insisted on seeing the funeral before he recorded an obituary notice.

What's Going to Happen.

In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion, and as queer an invention, as the press Ben. Franklin worked is now. In fifty years, copper-plate, steel-plate, lithography, and other fine engravings, will be multiplied for a mere song, in a beautiful manner, by the now infantile art of _Daguerreotyping_. A pa.s.sage to California will then be accomplished in twenty-four hours, by air carriages and electricity; or, perhaps, they'll go in buckets down Artesian holes, _clean through the earth!_ The arts of agriculture and horticulture will produce hams ready roasted, natural pies, baked with all sorts of _cookies_. About that time, a man may live forever at a cent a day, and sell for all he's worth at last--for soap fat!

The Washerwoman's Windfall.

Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one of our "Middle States," or Southern cities, and old lady, named Landon, the widow of a lost sea captain; and as a dernier resort, occurring in many such cases, with a family of children to provide for,--the father and husband cut off from life and usefulness, leaving his family but a stone's cast from indigence,--the mother, to keep grim poverty from famis.h.i.+ng her hearth and desolating her home, took in gentlemen's was.h.i.+ng. Her eldest child, a boy of some twelve years old, was in the habit of visiting the largest hotels in the city, where he received the finer pieces of the gentlemen's apparel, and carried them to his mother. They were done up, and returned by the lad again.

It was in mid-winter, cold and dreary season for the poor--travel was slack, and few and far between were the poor widow's receipts from her drudgery.

"To-morrow," said the widow, as she sat musing by her small fire, "to-morrow is Sat.u.r.day; I have not a stick of wood, pound of meal, nor dollar in the world, to provide food or warmth for my children over Sunday."

"But, mother," responded her 'main prop,' George, the eldest boy, "that gentleman who gave me the half dollar for going to the bank for him, last week,--you know him we washed for at the United States Hotel,--said he was to be here again to-morrow. I was to call for his clothes; so I will go, mother, to-morrow; maybe he will have another errand for me, or some money--he's got so much money in his trunk!"

"So, indeed, you said, good child; it's well you thought of it," said the poor woman.

Next day the lad called at the hotel, and sure enough, the strange gentleman had arrived again. He appeared somewhat bothered, but quickly gathering up some of his soiled clothes, gave them to the lad, and bade him tell his mother to wash and return them that evening by all means.

"Alas! that I cannot do," said the widow, as her son delivered the message. "My dear child, I have neither fire to dry them, nor money to procure the necessary fuel."

"Shall I take the clothes back again, mother, and tell the gentleman you can't dry them in time for him?"

"No, son. I must wash and dry them--we must have money to-day, or we'll freeze and starve--I must wash and dry these clothes," said the disconsolate widow, as she immediately went about the performance, while her son started to a neighboring coopering establishment, to get a basket of chips and shavings to make fire sufficient to dry and iron the clothes.

The clothes were duly tumbled into a great tub of water, and the poor woman began her manipulations. After a time, in handling a vest, the widow felt a knot of something in the breast pocket. She turned the pocket, and out fell a little ma.s.s of almost pulpy paper. She carefully unrolled the saturated bunch--she started--stared; the color from her wan cheeks went and came! Her two little children, observing the wild looks and strange actions of the mother, ran to her, screaming:

"Dear--dear mother! Mother, what's the matter?"

"Hush-h-h!" said she; "run, dear children--lock the door--lock the door!

no, no, never mind. I a--I a--feel--dizzy!"

The alarmed children clung about the mother's knees in great affright, but the widow, regaining her composure, told them to sit down and play with their little toys, and not mind her. The cause of this sudden emotion was the unrolling of five five hundred dollar bills. They were very wet--nearly "used up," in fact--but still significant of vast, astounding import to the poor and friendless woman. She was amazed--honor and poverty were struggling in her breast. Her poverty cried out, "You are made up--rich--wash no more--fly!" But then the poor woman's honor, more powerful than the tempting wealth in her hands--triumphed! She laid the wet notes in a book, and again set about her was.h.i.+ng.

About this time, quite a different scene was being enacted at the hotel.

The gentleman so anxious that his clothes should be returned that evening, was no other than a famous counterfeiter and forger; and it happened, that the day previous, in a neighboring city, he had committed a forgery, drawn some four or five thousand dollars, had the greater part of the notes exchanged--and, with the exception of the five large bills hurriedly thrust into the vest pocket, and which he had sent to the poor laundress, there was little available evidence of the forgery in his possession. The widow's son had scarcely left the traveller's room with the clothes, when in came two policemen. The forger was not arrested as a princ.i.p.al, but certain barely suspicious circ.u.mstances had led to an investigation of him and his effects.

"You are our prisoner, sir!" said one of the policemen, as a servant opened the door to let them in.

"Me! What for?" was the quick response of the forger.

"That you will learn in due season; at present we wish to examine your person and effects."

The forger started--his heart beat with the rapidity of galvanic pulsation--the evidence of part of his villany was, as he supposed, among his effects. It was a moment of terror to him, but it pa.s.sed like a flash, and in a gay and careless tone, he quickly replied:

"O, very well, gentlemen--go ahead. There are my keys and baggage--search, and look around. I have no idea what you are after--probably you'll find." In a low tone, he continued, to himself, "By heavens, how lucky! that boy has saved me!"

A considerable amount of money was found upon the forger, but none that could be identified, and after a long and wearisome private examination at the police court, he was discharged. He returned to the hotel, and shortly afterwards the lad made his appearance with the clothes, presenting him with a small roll of damp paper, saying:

"Here, sir, is something mother found in one of your pockets. She thinks it may be valuable to you, sir, and she is sorry it was wet."

The forger started, as though the little roll of wet money had been a serpent the lad was holding towards him.

"No, no, my little man; return it to your mother; tell her to dry it carefully, and that I will call and see her to-night, when she can return the little parcel."

George stood, his cap in one hand, and the other upon the door-k.n.o.b; the man was much agitated, and perceiving the lad lingered, he thrust his hand into a carpet-bag, and hauling forth an old-fas.h.i.+oned wallet, he opened it, and taking thence a coin, put it in the hands of the lad and requested him to run home to his mother and deliver the message immediately. The lad did as he was ordered; and the poor washerwoman, the while, sat in her humble and ill-provided home, patiently awaiting the return of her boy, and fearing the anger of the gentleman at the hotel, when he should find his bank notes nearly, if not quite destroyed, would probably so indispose him towards the child that he would return empty-handed. But no; as the quick tread of the blithesome lad smote upon the widow's ear, she rushed to the door to receive him.

"Dear son, was the gentleman very angry?"

"Angry, dear mother? No! he was far from angry. He said you must dry these papers, and he would call to-night for them. And here, dear mother, he gave me a large piece of beautiful yellow money!" And the dutiful boy placed a golden doubloon in the trembling hand of the overjoyed mother. They were saved--the golden coin soon made the widow's domicil cheerful and happy.

It is almost needless to say, the five notes were not called for. They laid in the widow's bureau drawer two entire years, when a friend to the poor woman negotiated for their exchange into a dwelling-house and small store. And to this little incident does a certain elderly lady and her family owe their present prosperous and perfectly honorable position in the respectable society of the city of ----.

We don't Wonder at It.

In the city, we get so many new _kicks_, and put on so many new ways of living and doing up things, that no wonder the quiet and matter-of-fact country folks make awkward mistakes, and get mixed up with our conventionalities, and other doings. Dining at the American, last week, we sat _vis-a-vis_ with an old-fas.h.i.+oned agricultural gent, whose plate of mock turtle remained cooling for some time, while he was busy thinking over a silver four-p.r.o.nged fork in his hand. At length a broad smile played over his manly features, as the novel-makers say, and he opened--

"Well, I'm jiggered!--ha! ha! _they've got to eating soup with split spoons, too!_"