Funny Big Socks Part 6

"My dear friends, you are all too tired to walk home now, ain't you? You would like to get there before you could say 'Jack Robinson'--now, wouldn't you? and if I were to accomplish that happy end, you could never be grateful enough--now, could you?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the advocate of exercise, who wished from his inmost soul, either that he had taken less turnip, or that the famous seven league boots were on his legs at that moment.

"Then all you have to do," cried Dr. Skihi with sparkling eyes, "is to get in a convenient posture; allow me to set off this retort of mine behind you--" here he produced a "gla.s.s concern" from a side pocket, to the horror of his friends--"and heigh, presto! you will find yourself flying home like a skyrocket"--

"And coming down like the stick!" gasped Dr. Smelfungus, retiring in a hurry, for the tails of his dressing gown and the gas retort of Dr.

Skihi were in inconvenient proximity.

Dr. Skihi vouchsafed not another word, but with an air of indescribable dignity adjusted the retort, took out a cork--and--but words fail me to describe the catastrophe! Before Dr. Mumbudget could rush forward to prevent it, the gas had come in contact with the air, become inflamed instantly, and sent Dr. Skihi whirling above the heads of his friends!

Vesuvius in eruption, coal mines on fire, mad bulls in the full rush, and crackers exploding in a barrel, rushed wildly through the heads of our philosophers, and when, finally, the rocket-riding doctor was discharged on a hayrick, the only person who retained sufficient presence of mind to go and pick him up was Mumbudget.

Poor Dr. Skihi! The victim to science remained insensible for some time; and when he finally recovered his consciousness, could not at first be persuaded that he was not in innumerable pieces. When he was, at last, enabled to walk on, it was discovered that while they were experimenting they had lost their way, and might be close to home or in the middle of Kamtschatka for all they knew of the road. It was again Mumbudget who helped them out of this difficulty, by speaking for the third time that day; and this third remark of the sage was as much to the point as the two first. "Ask somebody!" propounded Mumbudget, and after hobbling miserably along for some time, this somebody turned up in the person of a very small, ragged, dirty urchin; and under the guidance of this contemptible little snipe did our prodigies of wisdom arrive at last at the abode of Science and Knowledge!

As they entered the hall, Dr. Smelfungus, with an admiring glance at the speechless Mumbudget, exclaimed, "After all, gentlemen, there must be a science far higher than ours, since we, with all our knowledge, find practical life a matter of such difficulty. Only one man, it appears, is master of it, and there he stands!" and he made a low bow to Mumbudget, who returned it by another, without a word of reply.

Dr. Skihi, at this, glanced with profound contempt at Smelfungus, and gave a "hum!" that was echoed by the professor of health and him of natural science; then raising himself on the tips of his toes, and seesawing up and down at every word, he inquired, superciliously, "And pray, sir, may I ask, in the name of my scientific friends, what branch of science you profess, which is superior to every other?"

Mumbudget looked with a quiet smile at the excited little doctor, and replied, calmly:

"Gentlemen, I am the professor of COMMON SENSE."

At this reply, the learned friends, Smelfungus not excepted, presented a series of remarkably open countenances, as respected eyes and mouths, while Dr. Mumbudget went on:

"Chemistry, Botany, Natural Philosophy, and Hygienics--all put together, gentlemen, have failed to ensure us one day of rational enjoyment or ease; for all these sciences are pure absurdities, unless they are put in the hands of men who are governed by the wholesome dictates of common sense. My wise philosophers, will you come to school to me?"

The doctors gazed a moment yet; first at the proposer of this new doctrine, then at each other; and then, all rus.h.i.+ng forward at once, they seized his hands.

"You are right, my dear Mumbudget!" they exclaimed in a breath; "with all our science we are most greatly in want of common sense! Open your school at once; we will be the first to join its cla.s.ses, and celebrate the triumph of Reason over Philosophy!"

THE END OF THE FIFTH BOOK.