The Ten Pleasures of Marriage Part 13

But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having bought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be his guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders and mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcome he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to remove this, which was in some measure done.

But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a couple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; but the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back again: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the cross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be made ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, and dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when he came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and must serve her for a future example. And she on the contrary persisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for the ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife, frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the breeches solely to his wife.

Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent handsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured Gentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a Doctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweet expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage; yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings.

But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and that she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, and catches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence, that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the remaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Father and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-natured obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce concluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning again her former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allay his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now they are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.

Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good mild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her authority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, that in the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt, and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one _The incarnate Divel_. But he, after some years of suffering this martyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to cast himself away upon this h.e.l.lish peece of flesh; but she had of him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd her three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flew Pots, Kans and Gla.s.ses ringling and gingling along the flore, and she on the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps and fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of the head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who can but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to feel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the more, because that we see that this present World is so mightily replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women, who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks, and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will be agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being married, they abandon all rationality, make their own pa.s.sions their masters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of their husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, that there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind compliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand wonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn and ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as it were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love.

O happy Women, who, in this manner have the hearts of men in your hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; what means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind actions to gain the same on your side! you certainly know, that the main b.u.t.t which is aim'd at by all mankind, is to pa.s.s through this short life of ours with pleasure and quietness: But alas! what life, what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath hapned upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?

Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves to be led away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like b.r.e.a.s.t.s, or strangle themselves in the curled locks of women; but would imbrace their kind naturedness to be the surpa.s.singest beauty.

But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of so many, that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will, contrary to all exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a pit of infinite horrors and vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two thousand pound, then a mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand Vertues.

This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when he gave out his commands that no Parents should give any portions with their Daughters in marriage, or might leave them any thing for an inheritance; because he would not have them to be desired in marriage by any, but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious remained, just as now doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and cast aside, and every Maid was hereby spur'd up, that her Vertues might in brightness and splendor surpa.s.s others.

Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts of Lycurgus, have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is beautifull, rich, good natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know her well, that you might the better woe her, and so be happy in marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and wandring Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast your selves upon an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the Breeches already on, and will vex you with all the torments imaginable in the World. Do but use these few remedies for your squandered brains, and be a.s.sured they will bring you to have good fortune and tranquility.

Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud.

Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and imagine themselves to be G.o.ddesses, whom their husbands ought to obey.

Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner than another indeavour to domineer over her husband.

Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own Master.

Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.

Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in love, was not given to the G.o.ds themselves.

Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before she'l know how to s.h.i.+ne upon a house or Office, and two years to learn to make a cursie.

If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to.

If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they will much a.s.sist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a slave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this time be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how to hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, or expected from her. Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he said, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if they be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they be unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be s.l.u.ttish, if they be ugly, if they be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be perceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low a price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances.

And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there be no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd against the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as they have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you have subjected your selves to that foolish fas.h.i.+on of these times, never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect who will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken of him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, princ.i.p.ally.

Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.

Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation will tumble.

Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction.

For Vertue is the greatest Gentility.

Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of such as are of an evill reput.

_To be a lover of such houses, Makes him to think of other Spouses._

If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.

Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay their very gain is loss.

Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are fit for nothing.

If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband.

Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and nature is given unto him.

In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the expectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is subject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive in the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they were a Looking-gla.s.s.

THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.

_The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave housekeepers. They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their Children._

It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing flourished so n.o.bly, that every evening people were fain to carry a whole drawer full of mony out of the Counter in to the Counting-house; and then the good woman had alwaies two or three hours work to sort it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but it seems that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our dissatisfied Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our Nativity, that there are very few who have not now just causes enough to complain.

And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already, in that short time that you have been married, experience that things do not alwaies run upon wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true you possess the Pleasure of an indifferent Trade, as well as the rest of your Neighbours; but it is not in any measure to be compared with those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they could lay up so much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 135 _Published by The Navarre Society, London._]

Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks you are happier then they were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous frugality, to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet there was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul because it alwaies yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is esteemed to be very n.o.bly done, and people take an absolute delight in it, if they can but tell how to sc.r.a.pe so much together, that they may keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are imposed upon them. In good truth, they that can do this now, are worthy of as much credit and reputation, as those were that prospered much in former daies; and their Pleasure ought not to be lesser then the others before was.

O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess now as great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their plentifull daies. Verily, your gain is comparatively better then theirs, because you are satisfied with so much less; and by consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many knives behind you that may cut your childrens throats.

Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you can hardly tell how to keep both ends together; then comfort your selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as diligently search after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and good Trading.

But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then increases; because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad paiment; and where ever you run or go to dun, you find no body at home, but return back to your house with empty pockets. For there is Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in their Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the Goods, which they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration of a full year, are not yet paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in his Counting-house or at the Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so much as to look upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.

Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of Exchange, and that a.s.signment must be paid at their due times; yea, and the Winter is approaching, Wood and Coals must be bought, the Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of b.u.t.ter, and provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several other sorts of necessaries for the Family that will be wanting.

Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of concluding the year in Pleasure.

But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you live, you would not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these affairs very joifully for extraordinary Pleasures.

Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and have meant with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things were to be done with kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle fadles; but now you are come to a more sober, serious understanding, and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent conduct that your Parents and Friends had, when they were a.s.sembled together about your Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you are grown to be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And great Juno laught, that Venus hath so long hoodwink'd you.

Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but observe how prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circ.u.mspect and diligent you begin to be that you may get through the World with honour, commendations, and good respect; how like a care taking Father you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole Family. Oh if your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this your advancement; which are indeed the upright Pleasures of Marriage.

For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along with them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to the World.

Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid great rent, only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to consider with understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less price would not serve as well, in which you might have a Chamber or two that you could let out to some civil Gentlemen, who might diet with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some profit in besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work accordingly. And moreover, you have good company of them in your house, and alwaies either one or another at dinner begins to relate some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually very pleasurable and delightfull to be heard.

Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath not been these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased her fancy better: for now her husband will have some pastime, and good company at home, so that he needs not go to seek it in the evening in Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here how one may learn through honest Time and Experience, what Pleasures they are accompanied with?

But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such guests, you'l see how they will plague you; for the general imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that all the monies they spend, is pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies ought to provide such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be never so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but they will be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and that too much salt, &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all what's in the house, must be at their commands; nay be readier and nimbler to serve them then their Master and Mistriss. And that's more, you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and table. It happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners after them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more work with them alone, then the whole house-keeping besides.

This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any thing of a worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in the mornings to Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns; where they so disguise themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest people who are in the Shop, or standing upon the flore, that sees them either come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able to stand; besides they value not if they tarry out late at nights; and, if it be possible, they will intice the good man of the house to debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from private chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.