Second Chances Part 5

I'll be leaving Ivan, and he makes me feel safe. He's kind and gentle and he truly cares about me.

I will never, ever again have friends that I have known since we were tiny little kids.

I will never again have friends who laugh at the same things as me.

I will never have friends that I can truly trust.

All the things I know are being torn out of my hands. I'm trying to hold on but I'm losing everything. It feels as though there's an earthquake in my life.

I am so scared.

I walked into Sacha's room uninvited. She was making an alb.u.m of photographs, hampered by tears and a running nose. Pictures of friends and family lay scattered on the desk. m.u.f.fin sprawled across her mistress's feet.

I sat down on the bed. 'Need any help?'

'No thanks.'

'I read your essay.'

'Huh.'

'This feels like the end of the world, doesn't it? But it's not.'

'Yes, it is.'

'Hey, maybe you could have your own horse. You've always wanted a horse! It's going to be an adventure.'

'I don't need an adventure.'

'We'll all be together, that's the main thing. The five of us. Actually, six-even m.u.f.fin's coming.' At the sound of her name, the soppy animal sighed blissfully.

Sacha was trying to cut out a photo of Ivan but seemed unusually clumsy. Mermaids frolicked all around us in the calm water of Kit's sea. When Sacha was small I often found her lying half-asleep, gazing at the scene as though her bed was adrift on the silvery blue. When she got older, Kit offered to paint it out and give her something more adult, but she refused point-blank.

'Ivan loves me,' she said now. 'He's special. How can you do this?'

'Listen,' I urged. 'Your friends will always be your friends. It's easy to stay in touch nowadays on the internet. And it needn't be forever-you could even come back to university here.'

'Oh yes, great!' Sacha dropped the scissors with a clatter. 'You'll make me choose between my family and my country. That's the thing, you see? You're splitting me in half.'

I sagged. 'Yes. Yes, I see that.'

'Grandpa,' she cried, dissolving. 'How will we ever manage without Grandpa?'

'He'll come and visit. Look,' I added in desperation, 'please will you just give it a couple of years? If it isn't working, I promise we'll come home.'

'We won't have our home! This is my home.'

'Doll, please. I'm actually begging you. The thing is . . .'

'Yeah. I know, I know. We've got money troubles, gotta sell the house and live in a cardboard box. You want a better life for us children, and Kit needs to indulge his midlife crisis.'

I looked down at my hands. I didn't want her to despise Kit, but surely she had a right to know more. 'Remember that last trip to London? Well . . . I had to fetch him from the police station that night.'

'What?'

'He was in a cell. He was . . . well, they'd sc.r.a.ped him off the High Street. They said they'd charge him next time. It was awful. I've been really worried about him, Sacha. I know you have too. You said as much in that essay.'

She chewed her lip, thinking about it.

'We've made a deal,' I said. 'He is not to binge ever again. We're going to give it two years-he feels that's a fair crack of the whip, and without a mortgage we can sc.r.a.pe by on my income. Then, if the painting isn't going anywhere, or if we hate it out there, we'll think again.'

'So you slave away while he's a kept man? Marvellous.'

'That's really unfair. This house was bought with Kit's money, much of it made before I ever met him. For the past nine years we've been bankrolled by his income. He's been a father to you in every way, school fees and all, never quibbled. Maybe it's my turn to be the main breadwinner. Marriage is a partners.h.i.+p: you take, and you give.'

She was silent, blinking tearfully up at her mermaids.

'I've had enough,' I whispered. 'I want my man back. You and I both know he's worth this risk. A filthy old lag in a police cell, laughed at by a bunch of coppers-that isn't our Kit, is it? Our Kit's beautiful. He's got an artistic temperament, okay, but he's brilliant and kind and fun. He's . . . well, he's Kit. I love him, and I want him back.'

'Me, too.' She dropped her forehead onto the desk. 'Okay. I'll come quietly, but I hope you know what you're doing, because I've never been so scared in my whole life.'

I hope you know what you're doing, too, needled Mum. But I doubt it.

I was on my way out of the room when Sacha held up the photo alb.u.m. 'This is just about finished.'

'Well done.'

'I've left a blank page at the end. I'm saving that for photos of someone, but I've still got to take them. Someone special.'

Caught off-guard, I waltzed straight into the trap. 'A special someone! Who's that, then?'

'My dad. My actual, factual, biological father. Because sooner or later I'm going to find out who he is.'

Mum laughed. b.i.t.c.h.

Late in July we said a sad farewell to our home, closed the front door for the last time, and went to stay at Dad's.

m.u.f.fin came too. We spent those last few days stroking the old dog's gentle face and wondering if we'd ever see her again. m.u.f.fin had been a fixture since Sacha was four, when I stopped our car for a quivering fluff ball abandoned beside the A5. One floppy ear was dark grey, the other white. The little creature immediately clambered onto the back seat, whining and licking bleeding paws. Girl and dog grew up together.

On our final morning our friend was anxious, troubled, shambling round and round Dad's kitchen table. She leaned her head against each of our knees in turn, graphite tail miserably sweeping the floor.

'Don't worry, m.u.f.fin. You're coming soon,' said Charlie, kneeling with his arms around her neck. The other children joined him, showering her with kisses. Kit and I exchanged glances. m.u.f.fin was twelve years old and s.h.a.ggy as a polar bear; her eyesight was dodgy, her joints arthritic. Secretly, we thought it might be best if she ended her days peacefully with Dad.

Suddenly, time ran out. Kit looked at his watch, then at me. I stared around the kitchen, my chest constricting, longing to stay for just one more hour, one more cup of tea. Dad had given us lots of homeopathic pills for jetlag and a home-brewed recipe for stress, but he couldn't give us a homeopathic version of himself, which was what we really needed.

'C'mon, guys!' Finn shouldered his miniature backpack and tugged at the front door, flinging it wide. 'We're goin' to New Zealand!'

Sacha settled m.u.f.fin in her bed by the stove, and Bernard curled beside her. Then Dad drove us to Heathrow in a borrowed van. Lou and the family weren't coming to see us off. Too sad, she'd said. They were going to wait in their garden and wave at every plane that flew overhead.

I remember those final moments so vividly; that last, worst goodbye. The boys were wired, rocketing around the terminal as though they'd drunk a gallon of c.o.ke each. They were intrepid explorers, and each carried his most precious treasure for the voyage. Buccaneer Bob travelled in Finn's pack, his knitted head sticking out so that he could see everything. Charlie had stuffed Blue Blanket up his jumper. This priceless rag used to be satin-edged and luxurious, but by now it was quite disgusting because I never dared to wash it. What if it shrunk? Throughout his toddlerhood Charlie dragged it along like Linus in Peanuts; towed it through muddy farmyards and chewing-gummy streets. When tired or bewildered, he held it against his cheek. In contemplative moments he would pull off pieces of blue fluff and stick them up his nose.

Dad and the twins played paper-scissors-rock in the check-in queue until Finn fell over the luggage and screamed like someone who's been bitten by a rattlesnake. Deflated, Charlie sat down and sucked his thumb. He looked forlorn, a curly-headed evacuee child. Kit knelt on the floor to comfort his boys while I tried not to meet the sidelong glares of other pa.s.sengers. I could tell what they were thinking, and I didn't blame them: Please don't be on my plane, family from h.e.l.l.

Sacha had plugged herself wordlessly into her iPod, unbrushed hair jammed into a messy knot. She was wearing a red t-s.h.i.+rt Lydia had given her, and the slogan said it all: EMIGRATION SUX. Her flute was in her carry-on bag; we hadn't dared trust it to the s.h.i.+pping container. She was texting all her friends and crying quietly.

'How much does a jumbo jet weigh?' asked Finn, pulling at Kit's ear.

'Dunno. A million tons?'

'Well anyway,' Charlie took his thumb out of his mouth, 'it'd really hurt if you dropped it on your toe.' The thumb went back in.

There was a heaving, chaotic queue for security. It was like dying a slow death, waiting with Dad, shuffling our bags forward a few inches at a time. In the end I suggested he should get going.

'I'll go back to m.u.f.fin,' he agreed reluctantly. 'It'll be easier for you once I've left. You'll be able to concentrate on shoving your toothpaste into little see-through bags.'

So that was that. Suddenly, it was time to say goodbye. Dad pulled a box out of his pocket. 'For you,' he said, handing it to me. 'It was your grandmother's.'

'Grandma Norris?'

He dipped his head. 'It still works, and I've had it serviced and cleaned.'

I opened the box to find a delicate gold watch. It was painfully familiar. I'd seen it on Grandma's wrist thousands of times: an exquisite thing, with all the craftsmans.h.i.+p and elegance I'd expect of my grandmother.

'Dad,' I whispered, blinking.

'Don't imprison it in a box,' he said, lifting it out of the velvet case and wrapping the gold band around my wrist. 'Wear it. Better to wear such a lovely thing and lose it than keep it hidden away.'

Lost for words, I hugged him frantically as though it was for the last time. Kit did much the same. Then Dad turned to Sacha, arms held wide. 'This is a great adventure,' he told her. 'Grasp it with both your hands, my beautiful girl. Grasp it. Grasp it!'

Sacha's generous mouth twisted. She threw her arms around his neck and hung on. I had to prise her away. As I watched him take his leave of the twins, their cheerful ignorance almost broke my heart. They didn't- couldn't-comprehend that they might never see their grandpa again. They behaved as though they were just off to Wales for the week, on a jolly jaunt. Dad caught hold of one under each arm and lifted them clear off the ground. Closing his eyes, he squeezed his grandsons to his chest. It made them giggle and wriggle.

Finally, he straightened. He saluted smartly, winked at me and turned his back. Swallowing hard, I watched my father walk away. I watched until he'd disappeared down the escalator.

Long after he'd gone I kept scanning the s.p.a.ce where I'd last seen him, hoping for another glimpse. I was still watching when Finn hit Charlie over the head with a water bottle and all h.e.l.l broke loose.

Three hours later, flight NZ001 began its ponderous run-up to the ultimate high jump. We sat stunned in a roar of sound, vibration and bereavement. Sacha's face was turned to the window. The boys were cheering. Kit reached across the high-fiving twins and fiercely laced my fingers through his.

With a final jerk we felt England fall away beneath us, and then a grind and shudder as the landing gear was lifted.

We'd left our country.

Six.

The hospital night wears on. Hours pa.s.s, but there's no news of Finn. No call from Kit either, and he isn't answering his phone.

I float in a pall of dread, staring in nauseated fixation at the covers of old magazines. Every time I hear footsteps, I brace myself. Finally I'm on my feet, haunting the hospital corridors with Buccaneer Bob against my chest. The pirate doll looks sad. We are restless ghosts, he and I. We don't exist.

Finn is five years old. Just five. He fell silently in his Mr Men pyjamas. Mr Happy. Mr Tickle. Mr Bounce, who bounced too much.

Sometime during these nightmare hours, the police pay me a visit. Two broad young men, pacing sombrely down the disinfected corridor on their s.h.i.+ny shoes. They're too big for the place. They have thick stab-proof vests and murmuring radios, and they walk in step. Perfectly matched, like bookends. Like twins.

I see my Charlie walking alone through life with an empty s.p.a.ce at his side; alone at the school dance, the graduation, the wedding. Not a ghost of his other half. Not even a shadow. Just an empty s.p.a.ce. Perhaps Charlie will walk alone forever. You might as well cut off his arms.

Just routine, say the twins in uniform, pulling out rea.s.suring nods and notebooks as they sit down. Sorry to intrude at this difficult time. Now, er, what happened, exactly?

I tell them how Finn wandered out of his room and climbed onto the rail, and then he fell. And I saw him falling, and I ran, but I couldn't save him.

One of the policemen scratches his nose, glancing covertly at his watch. But the other-actually, he's older than I thought-gazes into my face without so much as a blink. He's losing his hair. He has pale eyes. 'Did anyone else witness the accident, Mrs McNamara?'

'No, they were all asleep.'

'Your husband?'

'Kit's on his way back from Dublin.'

Martha! yells my mother, arriving unannounced and uninvited. How can you? But I chase her out. I chase her right out, and I slam the door on her. Mentally dusting off my hands, I look the man in the eye. 'I haven't been able to contact him.'

They offer to help. What flight is Kit on? He can be met.

'Thanks,' I say firmly, 'but he'll contact me once he's landed. He'll turn on his phone and see all the texts. I must tell him myself.'

The older one seems to think for a moment, and I stop breathing. Then he asks me who else was in the house when Finn fell.

I rub my eyes. 'My daughter, Sacha.'

'Age?'

'Sacha? Seventeen. But she was out for the count. Been off school with flu. Then there was Charlie, Finn's twin. He was fast asleep too-well, obviously, it happened at midnight.'

His pen circles above the notebook. 'n.o.body else?'

He's watching my mouth now, as though lies might come sidling out with labels on. He's onto you, hisses Mum, with her echoing sibilance. Minimum words, maximum damage; that's always been her special skill. He knows you weren't alone on that balcony.

'n.o.body else,' I whisper, and tears slide from the corners of my eyes. 'I was too slow.'

The policemen shut their notebooks. They have other things to be doing, I'm sure. More pressing jobs: criminals to catch, reports to type, cheeseburgers to eat. The pale-eyed one gives me a leaflet with his name scribbled on it.