You Can Win Part 22

Parents spend an average of 15 minutes a week in "meaningful dialog" with their children--children who are left to glean whatever values they can from peers and TV.

--Journal of the American Family a.s.sociation

Ask yourself: Without discipline,

can a captain run a s.h.i.+p effectively?

can an athlete win a game?

can a violinist play well at a concert?

The answer is, "Of course not." Why then do we question today, in matters of personal conduct, or to achieve any standard, if discipline is necessary? It is absolutely necessary.

Today the philosophy is: "If it feels good, do it."

I have heard parents innocently saying, "I don't care what my kids do so long as it makes them happy. That is all that matters." I ask them, "Wouldn't you want to know what makes them happy?" If beating people up on the streets and taking their things away are what make them happy, there is a word in the English language for them, it is called "perversion."

How and where we derive our happiness from is just as important as the happiness itself.

It is a result of our values, discipline and responsibility.

We keep hearing "do what you like." The reverse is just as true. Like what you do. Many times we need to do what ought to be done whether we like it or not.

A mother comes home after a long day's work, takes care of the household ch.o.r.es, looks after the baby and goes to sleep exhausted. In the middle of the night the baby cries.

Does mama feel like getting up? No, but she gets up anyway. Why? For three reasons:

Love Duty Responsibility

We cannot live our lives by emotions alone. We need to add discipline, no matter what age we are. Winning in life comes when we do not succ.u.mb to what we want to do but do what ought to be done. That requires discipline.

Labeling and Put-Downs By Parents, Teachers and Supervisors

Have you heard some parents playfully or affectionately calling their kids "dummy" and "stupid"? Labels stick for life. When the kids grow up they will be sure to prove the parents right. Labels do not only stick for life but for generations. The caste system in India is a prime example of how labeling can hurt. Upper caste or lower caste, "If it is not a label, what is it?"

89*Common put-downs parents say to their kids are:

You are dumb.

You never do anything right.

You will never amount to anything.

Teaching the Right Values

Many times, inadvertently and innocently, we end up teaching wrong values within our families and organizations. For example, we tell our children or staff to lie for us.

Tell them I am not here.

The check is in the mail.

We all look to our parents, teachers and supervisors to teach us integrity. And many times we are disappointed. Practicing these petty lies turns a person into a professional liar. When we teach others to lie for us, a day will come when they will lie to us too. For example, a secretary calls in sick when she really wants to go shopping. Maybe the boss gave her enough practice lying for him that she has become an expert in lying to him.

STEPS TO BUILDING A POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM.

Turn Scars into Stars

Read the life histories of people who have turned a negative into a positive, adversity into advantage, stumbling blocks into stepping stones. They refuse to let disappointment and failures pull them down.

Some of the best music was composed by Beethoven. What was his handicap? He was deaf. Some of the best poetry written on nature was written by Milton. What was his handicap? He was blind. One of the greatest world leaders was US President Franklin D.

Roosevelt. What was his handicap? He served from a wheelchair.

THE WILMA RUDOLPH STORY *

Wilma Rudolph was born into a poor home in Tennessee. At age four, she had double pneumonia with scarlet fever, a deadly combination which left her paralyzed with polio.

She had to wear a brace and the doctor said she would never put her foot on the earth.

But her mother encouraged her; she told Wilma that with G.o.d-given ability, persistence and faith she could do anything she wanted. Wilma said, "I want to be the fastest woman on the track on this earth." At the age of nine, against the advice of the doctors, she removed the brace and took the first step the doctors had said she never would. At the age of 13, she entered her first race and came way, way last. And then she entered her second, and third and fourth and came way, way last until a day came when she came in first.

At the age of 15 she went to Tennessee State University where she met a coach by the name of Ed Temple. She told him, "I want to be the fastest woman on the track on this earth." Temple said, "With your spirit n.o.body can stop you and besides, I will help you."

The day came when she was at the Olympics and at the Olympics you are matched with the best of the best. Wilma was matched against a woman named Jutta Heine who had 90*never been beaten. The first event was the 100-meter race. Wilma beat Jutta Heine and won her first gold medal. The second event was the 200-meter race and Wilma beat Jutta a second time and won her second gold medal. The third event was the 400-meter relay and she was racing against Jutta one more time. In the relay, the fastest person always runs the last lap and they both anch.o.r.ed their teams. The first three people ran and changed the baton easily. When it came to Wilma's turn, she dropped the baton. But Wilma saw Jutta shoot up at the other end; she picked the baton, ran like a machine, beat Jutta a third time and won her third gold medal. It became history: That a paralytic woman became the fastest woman on this earth at the 1960 Olympics.

*Adapted from Star Ledger, November 13, 1994.

What a lesson to be learnt from Wilma. It teaches us that successful people do it in spite of, not in absence of, problems.

When we hear or read stories of people who have turned adversity into opportunity, doesn't it motivate us? If we regularly read biographies and autobiographies of such people, won't we stay motivated?

Learn Intelligent Ignorance

Education teaches us what we can do and also teaches us what we cannot do.

I'm looking for a lot of men with an infinite capacity for not knowing what cannot be done.

--Henry Ford

Henry Ford gave this world the V8 engine. He did not have much formal education. In fact, he did not go to school beyond the age of 14. He was intelligent enough to know there had to be a V8 engine but he was ignorant and didn't know how to build it.

So he asked all his highly qualified, educated people to build one. But they told him what could be done and what couldn't. According to them, a V8 was an impossibility. But Henry Ford insisted on having his V8. A few months later he asked his people if they had the V8 and they replied, "We know what can be done and we also know what cannot be done and V8 is an impossibility." This went on for many months and still Henry Ford said, "I want my V8."

And shortly thereafter the same people produced his V8 engine.

How come? They let their imagination run beyond academic limitation. Education teaches us what can be done and sometimes also teaches us false limitations.

THE b.u.mBLEBEE.

We need to learn from nature. According to scientists, the b.u.mblebee's body is too heavy and its wing span too small. Aerodynamically, the b.u.mblebee cannot fly. But the b.u.mblebee doesn't know that and it keeps flying.

91*

When you don't know your limitations, you go out and surprise yourself. In hindsight, you wonder if you had any limitations. The only limitations a person has are those that are self-imposed. Don't let education put limitations on you.

Do Something for Others Who Cannot Repay You in Cash or Kind

Dr. Karl Menninger, a world-renowned psychiatrist, was once asked, "What would you advise someone if you knew that person was going to have a nervous breakdown?" The audience expected Dr. Menninger to advise consulting a professional. But he didn't. He said, "I would advise that person to lock home, go to the other side of town, find someone in need and help that person. By doing that we get out of our own way." A lot of times we get in our own way, don't we?

Be a volunteer. It builds self-worth. Helping others as you would expect others to help you gives a feeling of gratification. It is a good feeling which represents high self-esteem.

The process of giving without having expectations or getting anything in return raises one's self esteem.