Outside The Ropes: OtherSide Of Fear Part 27

I kept shaking my head, my body going into shock. Painful pinp.r.i.c.ks covered my skin and all my muscles wobbled like Jell-O. This couldnt be my fault. I didnt even know what this all meant, what Rusnak meant. I was f.u.c.king terrified, and he was yelling. My stomach contracted again and I gripped my middle, folding over my hand. "You didnt. You didnt say anything. You didnt make it to the appointment, and I was worried. I didnt know."

His chest rose and fell with force, but he stood up, no longer leaning over me. "Your appointment?" He shook his head, eyes closed for a split second. "f.u.c.k, I forgot." His eyes dropped over me, icy as ever, but I wanted to read concern in them as he sighed. "Youre not supposed to be here. You need to leave. Now." He gripped my arm and pulled me to standing. There was nothing gentle in the way he tugged on me, he left no room for refusal.

"Ill walk on my own." I tried to pull away, not able to stand anyones touch. My skin was burned with the memory of Rusnak on me.

"Nows not the time to fight me, not after the s.h.i.+t you just caused." He pulled me in front of him, pus.h.i.+ng me down the hall to the back exit, forcing me to keep going or be tripped up by him and dragged.

"I didnt do anything. I didnt-"

"Bulls.h.i.+t. Youre here when Ive warned you not to be." He pushed me out the back door, releasing me into the frigid air I was too far gone to feel. But his breath turned into an icy fog as he yelled, "For once in your life if youd just f.u.c.king listen."

"I didnt know he was here." Thats all I could think. I didnt know. I didnt know.

I. Didnt. Know.

That didnt mean I didnt feel the destruction I had caused though. That didnt make the aftermath any easier to handle. But it didnt seem like Gage cared at all what I knew or didnt know.

The crunch of tires and headlights in the night had me jumping out of my skin, but I recognized the car that pulled up. Sal.

"Get in." Gage opened the back door for me. "Go home."

"We need to talk. Whats going to happen now?" I stepped towards him, wanting him to look at me- to see me. I needed him to talk to me.

His hand went to my back, pus.h.i.+ng me into the car. "Just get out of here."

"No." I attempted to plant my feet where they were, but he pushed harder, nearly picking me up to toss me in the car. Maybe he did pick me up because before I knew it, I was in the backseat, and the door closed in my face. I tried to open it and couldnt, the lock on the inside wouldnt work. I pounded on the window as Gage signaled for Sal to leave just as Ian and Cherry walked out the back, jackets, gloves and hoods pulled, ready to go.

"No." I leaned forward in my seat to Sal. "Stop. Stop. I have to talk to him." I knew I was loosing it, but my panic only mounted as we pulled out of the parking lot. My yells strained as tears filled my throat.

"I have to take you home." Sal spoke like it was any normal day.

I kicked the back of the seat, it shook as my boot made contact, and then I did the same thing to his seat, over and over. And over.

"Stop now," he demanded, but didnt turn to face me.

I couldnt pull any of my emotions back in. I was melting down, swirling into chaos. I had no control over anything. Not my emotions, not my husband, not anything in my life. I couldnt even control where I was going right now, and for the life of me, I didnt know how I had gotten here. How I had become the girl no one listened to. How I hadnt even realized, until this moment, just how much I had lost of my life. For Gage. And he only cared if I did what he said, if I followed him without question. He only cared when it was convenient and didnt interfere with his other priorities.

I was full on sobbing, trying to catch my breath.

"Watch out," Sal yelled, whipping the car to the side.

I looked up in time to see a car stopped in front of us, and then the world was spinning, street lights and night streaking around us. I braced one arm on the seat in front of me and one over my stomach. Then we bounced over a curb, onto the sidewalk, and the car stopped.

We stopped. Still. And we hadnt hit anything.

All my tears had dried up with the shock of our spin out, and relief swelled in me now. But the bright lights flooding into the car, growing brighter at an alarming rate, made me duck down in the seat and I curled into a ball.

"Oh f.u.c.k," Sals voice was a heavy weight, just as a truck slammed into us at full speed.

The crunching of metal and shattering of gla.s.s was all there was. It sounded like h.e.l.l as the metal twisted and folded around me, over me, through me. It felt even worse, until it didnt. Until the pain burst and there was nothing. Only night. Only silence.

Hands were on me, pulling me out of the car into consciousness and then dropping me.

There was fire. I felt it through me but could only see the road beneath me. Someone lifted me, someone with grey timberlands. He wasnt lifting though; he was rolling me over, with his boot.

I choked, heat searing my lungs as if I was held underwater. Taking a breath had me spitting up. I turned to my side and coughed up blood. My eyes attached to it, refusing to let them roll back in my head. I struggled to push myself up but collapsed on my arm.

Please. Please. Please. All I could think as I struggled for a painful breath. Please.

"Hes not in there," a voice yelled, cutting through the screeching metal echoing in my bones.

"f.u.c.k. We got to go man, copsll be here soon."

Timberland crouched down, lifting my head; I had no control over the rest of me. "Shes still alive."

"Leave her. We got to go."

"No. Well make sure the message gets through."

Pain took my vision as he pulled on my hair.

"Can you hear me?"

I tried to groan, but it came out a splutter.

"Good." His voice became the burning, the pain everywhere. "No one interferes with Shadow. Remember that."

He dropped my head, and I opened my eyes just as his boot connected to my side. My world exploded, shattering into nothing but a blood stained silence.

29: Drained.

I STRUGGLED TO PULL MYSELF OUT OF a nightmare, but it clung to me, pressing me down, leaving me gasping for air. The stinging intake of breath only added fuel to the burn.

Light was behind my eyes. I needed it, and I needed my heavy lids to open. Bright fluorescent lights blinded me. A stark white ceiling stretched across my vision. I blinked against the glare, the confusion, and against the crust that was stuck to my eyes, making them hard to keep open.

I lay still, too afraid to move. Everything hurt too much, but my thoughts were covered in a thick fog, untouchable.

Then Gages face cut across my vision. His red-rimed eyes were pools of tears reflecting the pain I felt. He was an instant relief. My next breath came a little easier, a little less painful, knowing that Id take it with him-that we were together.

"Youre awake." His hand caressed my face, cold but soft. Barely there. A tear slid down his cheek, rolling onto his lip, trembling in a watery smile.

Focusing on him was easier than focusing on me, on anything else. I could get lost in the depths of his gaze, in the comfort there. I tried to grip his other hand that held mine and flinched at the stiffness in my muscles.

He sat up, hesitating as his eyes darted over me, hand lingering on me "Im going to get the doctor."

"No," I croaked as I squeezed his fingers, but I was drained of strength, physically and mentally. His words forced me to recognize that I was in a hospital. "Dont leave me," I was already breathless. And I was scared to think. I was scared of everything beyond this man. I was scared of myself. I didnt want to be left alone. Not now. Not here. Not ever.

He dropped his forehead to mine, hand slipping around my neck, holding me close. His lips brushed the skin on my face, wet and warm, but whisper soft, like his words. "I wont. Im here now. And Im not going anywhere."

He smelled like home and felt like safety. He was barely touching me, putting no pressure on my body, but he surrounded me, and the wave of his presence washed away some of my pain and all of my fears.

"Im sorry. I wont leave you alone. Im so sorry." His lips sought mine, breathing into them, and I wanted to latch on.

Oh, how I wanted to latch onto him and feel nothing but the sweetness of our kiss. But his words started a s...o...b..ll of memories. Starting with him pus.h.i.+ng me into the car, picking up momentum as I recalled Rusnak being out and their confrontation. But it turned to an avalanche with the memory of the car accident, and our moment collapsed with the impact. It buried me under a reality too deep to save, with such a crus.h.i.+ng force that I was convinced it killed the last happy feeling I would ever have. That we would ever have.

"Stop." I turned my head away, but he had me gripped in his hands. I closed my eyes, unable to look at his face, not wanting to see his broken tears s.h.i.+ning on his skin, the pain shadowing his eyes. I was carrying too much of my own to take on his.

"Stop." I repeated, with more air, but still not enough force. I couldnt, not as tears welled in my throat, making it even harder to speak.

His lips stopped moving, but he stayed pressed to my forehead. "Im so sorry," his voice cracked with the emotion filling his words, weighing on them.

"No." I shook my head, knocking his lips off me. "No. I dont want that," my throat was so raw my voice sounded foreign, low and raspy.

He removed himself from me, little by little, like a resigned sigh. His fingers unrolled from my neck, and then his head slipped away. Each bit of his skin leaving mine left a cold chill in its wake. The imprint of him was still around me. But the shadow of a feeling left me empty.

Empty. Everywhere.

"Sal? How is he?" My head throbbed with questions I couldnt ask.

"He died in the accident, broke his neck," His voice was so low, but it sliced me, draining my hope.

"What about-" The corner of my eyes burned as tears tried to escape, but I met his eyes, direct. "Tell me."

And I didnt have to say the words I couldnt form. He knew what I was asking. I knew he knew. I could see the fear cross his face, the lines deeper than ever before as he dropped his head. I couldnt pull my eyes away from him, his dark hair shaking as he shook his head. But it didnt make sense.

Even when his hands caught mine, holding them in his, and he looked back up with blood shot eyes, I still couldnt accept his answer. That wasnt an answer. It couldnt be.

"No." I pulled my hands back from his. "Go get the doctor."

I listened to everything the doctor said like I was sleep walking, like it wasnt really me it was happening too. I had been in an accident. Broken rib. Punctured lung. Bruised kidney. A few other minor bruises and cuts. I felt all of that. My raw throat was from the breathing tube they gave me when I arrived. But the thing I couldnt acknowledge, I was no longer pregnant. I had miscarried before the ambulance brought me in.

I had to stay in the hospital for a week or two, depending on how I healed.

I nodded at everything said like I understood. I did. I understood. I understood everything the doctor said. I just didnt understand how Gage could hover there by my side. How he could stand to look at me. I couldnt stand to look at him.

I couldnt stand to look at anything.

The doctor slipped out of the room as a nurse came in and checked all my vitals. Blood pressure, temperature, fix the IV, give medicine.

My thoughts were building, becoming too big to block away. I wanted to scream and shatter. But couldnt when every movement hurt. All I could do was close my eyes and block out the world. Block out everything. Thats all I wanted to do. But first, I waited for the nurse to leave, to see what Gage would do. What he would dare to do now.

He was in a chair beside my bed, and he lifted his head from his hands the moment the nurse closed the door. I could feel his movements even if I didnt dare look at him.

His stare slithered into the cracks of my barrier, and each movement he made to get closer to me added to the pressure.

He rose to his feet, and my lips trembled.

He stepped to the edge of my bed, and I took a shaky breath.

He lowered himself to sit beside me, and I closed my eyes as pain squeezed my heart.

When his hand touched my shoulder, I broke into a flood of tears. But I couldnt release the grief I needed to. It hurt too much. Physically and mentally.

And Gage couldnt take that away. He only made it worse.

I pushed his hand away.

"Regan, I am so sorry. I failed you. I failed us. I failed-"

"Stop." I couldnt let him say it. "Stop. Stop. Stop." I closed my eyes and shook my head, regardless of my bodys protest to the movement. "Dont talk to me. Dont touch me. Just get away. Leave me alone."

"No." He grabbed my hand again, but my tears didnt leave any energy for me to fight him off. "Im not leaving. We can get through this together."

I couldnt keep up the struggle, and he pressed a little further with each pa.s.sing second, with each unbearable tear.

Before I knew it, he was leaning over me, his body sheltering me, his tears pressing into my neck as his hands stroked my hair. But none of it was comforting anymore, it all made me sick. Everything made me sick. I deserved to be sick though. I deserved so much worse.

Eventually exhaustion pulled me down and I submitted to the haunting darkness that was better than my devastating reality.

Gage was still sitting there, half asleep in the reclining chair in the hospital. He had stayed the night, disappearing some during the day but never for long. He looked like h.e.l.l, red eyed and unshaved. I dont know when he slept; he was always awake when I looked towards him. But I refused to speak. I refused to do anything, stuck in a deep pit with no light in sight. I only let him stay because he deserved to be in it too. But he wasnt, not really, that was clear every time he got up and walked out of the hospital.

I had been up to walk twice, but only with support and not very far.

A nurse walked in with a vase of purple and yellow flowers, and Gage popped up out of his seat, grabbing them from her before she could give them to me.

I was use to this routine, it was the same as the last four flowers that now spotted the room, sunflowers from Leo and Kendall, an orchid from Gages mom, wildflowers from Dexter and Leona, and carnations from the boxing team.

"Thanks," he mumbled, dismissing the girl as he scanned the arrangement. This bouquet was bigger than the rest, and it took a moment before he found and plucked the card from between flowers. His entire demeanor turned to ice, hard and cold, as he read the note. Then he walked out of the room without looking towards me.

I swept my feet off the bed, taking in a breath as I braced myself for the pain of rising. Every little movement affected my healing ribs and lung like a jolt of electricity. Every movement. But I was done with his silence and his control, so I pushed through the stabbing pain.

Id only made it a few steps when he walked back in. His lines of anger changed to surprise as he saw me. "Wait." He stepped close to me, arm gripping my elbow. "You should have waited for me, I know youve got to be in pain."