Frank Fairlegh Part 37

"'Pon my word it's true, and what will you lay it's a lie?" sang Archer.

"Oh! if you had but seen him, Fairlegh; he looked like--hang me if I know anything ugly enough to compare him to."

"Was he at all like me, sir?--umph!" inquired Mr. Frampton in his gruffest tone, putting on the broad-brimmed hat, and rising slowly from his seat as he spoke.

"The very apparition itself, by Jingo!" exclaimed Archer, starting back in alarm, half real, half affected, thereby nearly overturning Lawless, who was just behind him.

-244--"Hold hard there, young fellow; where are you jibbing to? You'll smash my panels in a minute, if you don't look out--eh?--why surely it's the old boy from Helmstone," continued Lawless aside; "Mr.

Frampton--sir, your most obedient."

"Same to you, sir," was the reply; "glad to see your spirits don't seem likely to fail you, Mr. Lawless--laughing at me, all of 'em, impudent young dogs--what's t'other one's name, Frank? the one that took me for a ghost--umph!"

"Allow me to introduce you--Mr. Frampton, Mr. Archer, Mr. Green, Mr.

Lacy, Mr. Richards."

The individuals named delivered themselves of a series of nods and jerks as I p.r.o.nounced their various patronymics, and Mr. Frampton took off his hat, and made a polite bow to each man separately; then turning to Archer, he said:--

"Pray, sir, may I inquire when and how you became so intimate with Noah's great-grandfather as to mistake me for him?--umph!"

"Well, sir," said Archer, who was evidently taken somewhat aback by this direct appeal, "it is an affair--that is, a circ.u.mstance--what I mean to say is--the thing, as you must see, was completely--in fact it was quite by accident, and promiscuously, so to speak, that I mistook you for the respectable antediluvian--I should say, for his ghost."

"Umph! don't think I look much like a ghost, either. Not that there are such things in reality; all humbug, sir. A man goes and eats beef and pudding enough for two, has the night-mare, fancies next morning he has seen a ghost, and the first fool he tells it to believes him. Well, Mr.

Lawless, not made a ghost of yourself by breaking your neck out of that Infernal Machine of yours yet. Get his ex-majesty Louis Philippe to go out for a ride with you in that, and his life would be in greater danger than all the Fieschis in France could ever put it in. Umph!"

"The horses are in first-rate condition," returned Lawless, "enough to pull a fellow's arms off till they've done about ten miles; that takes the steel out of them a bit, and then a child may guide them. Happy to take you a drive, Mr. Frampton, any time that suits you--eh?"

"Thank ye, sir, when that time comes I'll let you know; but I hope to live a few years longer yet, and therefore you'll excuse my not accepting your kind offer. Besides, if Mr. Archer was to see the ghost of Noah's great-grand-father -245--in a tandem, he'd never get over it."

Then came the aside: "Umph! had him there, the young jackanapes".

"Well, Fairlegh, are you coming with us?" asked Lacy; "the list must be out by this time."

"No; 'pon my word I can't," replied I. "I'm good for nothing this morning."

"Serve you right, too," said Lawless, "for refusing the second bowl of punch last night. I told you no good would come of it, eh?"

"Positively we ought to be going," interposed Richards; "we'll bring you some news presently, Fairlegh, that will set you all right again in no time."

"I only wish you may prove a true prophet," replied I. "Umph! if you'll allow me, I'll accompany you, gentlemen," said Mr. Frampton; "make one of your party, umph!"

Several of those thus appealed to exchanged glances of horror, and at last Archer, who was rather an exclusive, and particularly sensitive to ridicule, began:--

"Why, really, sir, you must excuse--"

"Umph! excuse? no excuses are required, sir; when you've lived as long as I have, you'll learn not to care in what company you sail, so as it's honest company. Noah's great-grandfather found out the truth of that, sir, when he had to be hail-fellow-well-met with tiger-cats and hippopotamuses in the ark--hippopotami, I suppose you cla.s.sical men call it--though, now I come to think of it, he never was there at all. But you will let an old man go with you, there's good boys," continued Mr.

Frampton in a tone of entreaty; "not one of you feels more interest in Frank Fairlegh's success than I do."

"Come along, governor," exclaimed Lawless, taking him by the arm, "you and I will go together, and if anybody gets in your way, down he goes if he were as big as Goliath of Gath. You shall see the list as soon as any one of them, for you're a trump--a regular brick!"

"With a very odd tile on the top of it," whispered Archer, pointing to the broad brim.

"Now, then," continued Lawless, "fall in there. Follow the governor.

To the right about face! March!" So saying, he flung open the door, and arm-in-arm with Mr. Frampton hurried down the stairs, followed by the others in double-quick time. When they were all gone I made an effort to rouse myself from the state of la.s.situde and depression into which I had fallen, and -246--succeeded so far as to recover sufficient energy to attempt the labour of dressing, though my hands trembled to such a degree that I could scarcely accomplish it, and was forced to postpone the operation of shaving to some more favourable opportunity.

Having made my outer-man respectable, I re-entered the sitting-room, and waited with impatience for the return of my friends. Oh! the horrors of suspense! that tooth-ache of the mind, in which each moment of anxiety r stretched on the rack of expectation, appears to the overwrought senses an eternity of gnawing anguis.h.!.+--of all the mental tortures with which I am acquainted, defend me from suspense!

I had worked myself up into a thorough fever, and was becoming so excited that I was on the point of rus.h.i.+ng out to learn the worst at once, when sundry shouts, mingled with peals of laughter, reached my ear--sounds which a.s.sured me that news was at hand. And now, with the inconsistency of human nature, I trembled at, and would willingly have delayed, my friends' arrival, lest it might bring me the certainty of failure, to which even the doubt and suspense I had been so lately chafing at appeared preferable. The sounds grew louder and louder--they were approaching. Oh! how my heart beat! in another moment they would be here. Sinking into a chair, for my knees trembled so that I could scarcely stand, I remained with my eyes fixed upon the door in a state of breathless anxiety. More shouting! surely that was a cheer--

"Hurrah! hurrah! out of the way there! room for the governor!"--a rush of many feet up the stairs--more, cheering--the door is thrown open, and a party of from fifteen to twenty undergraduates come pouring in, with Mr. Frampton in the midst of them, carried in triumph on the shoulders of Lawless and another man, and waving a list in one hand, and the broad-brimmed hat in the other.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page246 Hurrah! Room for the Governor]

"Bravo, Fairlegh! all right, old fellow! never say die! hurrah!"

exclaimed half a score voices, all at once, while both my hands were seized and nearly shaken off, and I was almost annihilated by congratulatory slaps on the back from my zealous and excited friends.

"Well," exclaimed I, as soon as I could make myself audible amidst the clamour, "I suppose by your congratulations I'm not plucked, but how high do I stand?" "Silence there!" shouted Lawless. "Order! order! hear the governor; he's got the list. Fire away, sir."

-247--Thus appealed to, Mr. Frampton, who was still mounted on the shoulders of his supporters, having cleared his throat and grunted proudly, with an air of majesty read as follows:--

"Kushbrooke, Senior Wrangler--Crosby, second--Barham, third--Fairlegh, fourth!"

"Nonsense," exclaimed I, springing up, "the thing's impossible!"

"What an unbelieving Jew it is," said Archer; "hand him the list, and let him read it himself. Seeing is believing, they say."

Yes, there it was, beyond all possibility of doubt; with my own eyes did I behold it. "Fairlegh, fourth Wrangler!" Why, even in my wildest moments of hope my imagination had never taken so high a flight. Fourth Wrangler! oh! it was too delightful to be real. So overcome was I by this unexpected stroke of good fortune, that for a minute or two I was scarcely conscious of what was going on around me, and returned rambling and incoherent answers to the congratulations which were showered upon me. The first thing that roused my attention was a shout from Lawless, demanding a hearing, for that "the governor," as he persisted in calling Mr. Frampton, was going to make a speech. The cry was immediately taken up by the others, who for some moments defeated their own purpose by calling vociferously for "silence for the governor's speech!" Having at length, from sheer want of breath, obtained the required boon, Mr.

Frampton, waving his hand with a dignified gesture, began as follows:--

"Umph! on this happy occasion, gentlemen--set of noisy young scamps!--on this happy occasion, I say"--(shouts of encore! bravo! etc.)--"what I was going to say was--umph!" (a cry of "You have said it," from a man near the door, who thought he could not be seen, but was). "Much obliged to you, sir, for your observation," continued Mr. Frampton, fixing his glance unmistakably on the Detected One, "but I have not said it, nor does it seem very likely I ever shall say it, if you continue to interrupt me with your wretched attempts at wit." (Cries of "Hear!

hear! don't interrupt the governor! Shame! shame!" and an aside from Mr. Frampton, "Had him there, umph!" during all of which the detected individual was striving to open the door, which several men, who had perceived his design, held firmly against him.) "What I was going to say," resumed the speaker, "when that gentleman who is trying to leave the room -248--interrupted me" (more cries of "Shame!"), "was, that I beg, in the name of my friend, Frank Fairlegh, to invite you all to a champagne breakfast in his rooms to-morrow," (tremendous cheering, and a cry of "Bravo, governor! you are a brick!" from Lawless), "and in my own name to thank you all, except the gentleman near the door, who has not yet, I see, had the grace to leave the room, for the patience with which you've listened to me," (laughter, and cries of "It was a shame to interrupt him," at which the Detected One, with a frantic gesture, gives up the door, and, turning very pale, glances insanely towards the window), "and for the very flattering attentions which you have all of you generally, and Mr. Archer in particular, done me the honour of paying me."

A perfect tornado of cheers and laughter followed Mr. Frampton's speech, after which I thanked them all for the kind interest they had expressed in my success, and begged to second Mr. Frampton's invitation for the following day. This matter being satisfactorily arranged, certain of the party laid violent hands on the Detected One, who was a very shy freshman of the name of Pilkington, and, despite his struggles, made him go down on his knees and apologise in set phrase to Mr. Frampton for his late unjustifiable conduct; whereupon that gentleman, who enjoyed the joke, and entered into it with as much zest as the veriest pickle among them, sternly, and with many grunts, rebuked and then pardoned him.

The champagne breakfast on the following morning who shall describe!

What pen, albeit accustomed to the highest nights imaginable, may venture to depict the humours of that memorable entertainment! How, when the company were a.s.sembled, it was discovered Mr. Pilkington was missing, and a party, headed by Lawless, proceeded to his rooms, which were on the same staircase, and brought him down, _vi et armis_, in a state of mind bordering on distraction, picturesquely attired in a dressing-gown, slippers, and smoking-cap, of a decidedly oriental character; and how, when they had forced him into a seat of honour at Mr. Frampton's right hand, that gentleman discovered in him a striking likeness to his particular friend the Rajah of Bundleoragbag, which name, being instantly adopted by the company, he was invariably addressed by ever after. How, as the champagne circulated, the various members of the party began to come out strong, according to their several idiosyncrasies, every man who had a peculiarity exhibiting it for the benefit of the others; while those who had not -249--were even more amusing, either from their aping the manners of somebody else, or from the sheer absurdity of uttering insipid commonplaces in such an atmosphere of fun and frolic. How, later in the day, after healths had been drunk, and thanks returned, till every one, save Pilkington, was hoa.r.s.e with shouting, that individual was partly coaxed, partly coerced into attempting to sing the only song he knew, which proved to be, "We met"; in which performance, after making four false starts, and causing a great many more meetings to take place than the author of the song ever contemplated, he contrived, in a voice suggestive of a sudden attack of cholera, to get as far as the words, "For thou art the cause of this anguish, my mother," when he was interrupted by such a chorus of laughter as completely annihilated him for the rest of the day.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page249 Shy Young Gentleman]

How Mr. Frampton, without giving the slightest warning of his intention, or there being anything in the subject of the conversation generally to lead thereunto, began to relate his adventure with the tiger of Bundleapoor; while Lawless favoured the company with a full, true and particular account of a surprising run with the royal stag-hounds; and Archer, who had grown sentimental, with tears in his eyes, entered into a minute detail of certain pa.s.sages in a romantic attachment he had conceived for a youthful female branch of the aristocracy, whom he designated as Lady Barbara B.; and how these three gentlemen continued their various recitals all at one and the same time, edifying the company by some such composite style of dialogue as the following:--

"So, sir, Slingsby roused me by a kick in the ribs, saying --umph!"--"Fairest, loveliest of thy s.e.x,"--"Shove on your boots and buckskins, stick a cigar in your mouth, and clap your leg over,"--"An elephant half as high again as this room; take a couple of double-barrelled rifles, and"--"Slap at everything that comes in your way; no craning, ram in the persuaders, and if you do get a purl"--"Look upon it as the purest, brightest gem in your n.o.ble father's coronet, for true affection"--"Flung him clean into the tiger's jaws, sir, and the beast"--"Drew her handkerchief across her eyes, and said, in a voice which quivered with emotion, 'Love between two young creatures, situated as we are, would be utter madness, Charles'. To which I replied, 'Barbara, my own sweet girl,'"--"Mind your eye, and look out for squalls, for that's a rasper, and no mistake".

How all this took place, together with much more notable merriment, not many degrees removed from "tipsy mirth and jollity," we will leave to the fertile imagination of the reader to depict. Suffice it to say that, ere we broke up, Mr. Frampton had distinctly pledged himself to ride one of Lawless's horses the next hunting-day, and to accompany Archer on a three weeks' visit to the country seat of Lady Barbara B.'s n.o.ble father, with some ulterior views on his own account in regard to a younger sister.-250--

FRANK FAIRLEGH

Part II.