Poetical Ingenuities and Eccentricities Part 18

"Ye fair injured nymphs, and ye beaus who deceive 'em, Who with pa.s.sion engage, and without reason leave 'em, Draw near and attend how the Hero I sing Was foiled by a Girl, though at Arms he was King.

_Crest_, _mottoes_, _supporters_, and _bearings_ knew he, And deeply was studied in old pedigree.

He would sit a whole evening, and, not without rapture, Tell who begat who to the end of the Chapter.

In forming his _tables_ nought grieved him so sorely That the man died _Coelebs_, or else _sine prole_.

At last, having traced other families down, He began to have thoughts of increasing his own.

A Damsel he chose, not too slow of belief, And fain would be deemed her admirer _in chief_.

He _blazoned_ his suit, and the sum of his tale Was his _field_ and her _field_ joined _party per pale_.

In different style, to tie faster the noose, He next would attack her in soft _billet doux_.

His _argent_ and _sable_ were laid aside quite, Plain _English_ he wrote, and in plain black and white.

Against such _atchievements_ what beauty could fence?

Or who would have thought it was all but _pretence_?-- His pain to relieve, and fulfil his desire, The lady agreed to join hands with the squire.

The squire, in a fret that the jest went so far, Considered with speed how to put in a _bar_.

His words bound not him, since hers did not confine her: And that is plain law, because Miss is a _minor_.

Miss briskly replied that the law was too hard, If she, who's a _minor_, may not be a _ward_.

In law then confiding, she took it upon her, By justice to mend those foul breaches of honour.

She handled him so that few would, I warrant, Have been in his _coat_ on so _sleeveless_ an errant.

She made him give bond for stamped _argent_ and _or_, And _sabled_ his s.h.i.+eld with _gules_ blazoned before.

Ye heralds produce, from the time of the Normans, In all your Records such a _base_ non-performance; Or if without instance the case is we touch on, Let this be set down as a _blot_ in his _scutcheon_."

LAMENT OF AN UNFORTUNATE DRUGGIST,

A Member of the Pharmaceutical Society, whose matrimonial speculations have been disappointed.

"You that have charge of wedded love, take heed To keep the vessel which contains it air-tight; So that no oxygen may enter there!

Lest (like as in a keg of elder wine, The which, when made, thy careless hand forgot To bung securely down) full soon, alas!

Acetous fermentation supervene And winter find thee wineless, and, instead Of wine, afford thee nought but vinegar.

Thus hath it been with me: there was a time When neither rosemary nor jessamine, Cloves or verbena, marechale, resede, Or e'en great Otto's self, were more delicious Unto my nose, than Betsy to mine eyes; And, in our days of courts.h.i.+p, I have thought That my career through life, with her, would be Bright as my own show-bottles; but, ah me!

It was a vision'd scene. From what she _was_ To what she _is_, is as the pearliness Of Creta Praep. compared with Antim. Nig.

There was a time she was all Almond-mixture (A bland emulsion; I can recommend it To him who hath a cold), but now, woe! woe!

She is a fierce and foaming combination Of turpentine with vitriolic oil.

Oh! name not Sulphur, when you speak of her, For she is Brimstone's very incarnation, She is the Bitter-apple of my life, The Scillae oxymel of my existence, That knows no sweets with her.

What shall I do?--where fly?--What h.e.l.lebore Can ease the madness that distracts my brain!

What aromatic vinegar restore The drooping memory of brighter days!

They bid me seek relief in Prussic acid; They tell me a.r.s.enic holds a mighty power To put to flight each ill and care of life: They mention Opium, too; they say its essence, Called Battley's Sedative, can steep the soul Chin-deep in blest imaginings; till grief Changed by its chemic agency, becomes One lump of blessed Saccharum;--these things They tell to _me_--_me_, who for twelve long years Have triturated drugs for a subsistence, From seven i' th' morn until the midnight hour.

I have no faith in physic's agency E'en when most 'genuine,' for I have seen And a.n.a.lysed its nature, and I know That Humbug is its Active Principle, Its ultimate and Elemental Basis.

What then is left? No more to Fate I'll bend: I will rush into chops! and Stout shall be--my end!!"

--_Punch_ (1844.)

ODE TO "DAVIES' a.n.a.lYTICAL"

"Charming chaos, glorious puddle, Ethics opaque, book of bliss; Through thy plat.i.tudes I waddle, O thou subtle synthesis!

To thy soft consideration, Give I talents, give I time; Though 'perpetual occultation'

Shuts me from thy balmy clime.

As unto the sea-tossed trader, Is the guiding Polar Star; Thou'rt my 'zenith' and my 'nadir,'

Still 'so near and yet so far.'

Sancho never loved his gravies As I love thy sunny face; Sheep-bound master-piece of Davies, Benefactor of his race!

Man nor G.o.d, not even 'ox-eyed Juno,' could me from thee part; My 'enthymeme,' my sweet 'protoxide,'

Thou'rt the 'zeugma' of my heart.

When were built the rocks azoic, Sat'st thou on the granite hill; And with constancy heroic, To _me_ thou art azoic still.

My 'syzygy,' I'll ne'er leave thee, Thou shalt ne'er from me escheat; I will cherish thee, believe me, Pythagorean obsolete.

Bless me in the midnight watches, Ever by my pillow keep Ruler, chalk, and black-board scratches, Lovely nightmare, while I sleep.

Be 'co-ordinate' for ever, For ever my 'abscissa' be; The Fates can overwhelm me never, Whilst _thou_ art in 'perigee.'"

MAN AND THE ASCIDIAN.

A MORALITY IN THE QUEEN ANNE MANNER.

"The Ancestor remote of Man, Says D--w--n, is th' Ascidian, A scanty sort of water-beast That, 90,000,000 years at least Before Gorillas came to be, Went swimming up and down the sea.

Their ancestors the pious praise, And like to imitate their ways How, then, does our first parent live, What lesson has his life to give?

Th' Ascidian tadpole, young and gay, Doth Life with one bright eye survey, His consciousness has easy play.

He's sensitive to grief and pain, Has tail, and spine, and bears a brain, And everything that fits the state Of creatures we call vertebrate.

But age comes on; with sudden shock He sticks his head against a rock!

His tail drops off, his eye drops in, His brain's absorbed into his skin; He does not move, nor feel, nor know The tidal water's ebb and flow, But still abides, unstirred, alone, A sucker sticking to a stone.

And we, his children, truly we In youth are, like the Tadpole, free.

And where we would we blithely go, Have brain and hearts, and feel and know.

Then Age comes on! To Habit we Affix ourselves and are not free; Th' Ascidian's rooted to a rock, And we are bond-slaves of the clock; Our rock is Medicine--Letters--Law, From these our heads we cannot draw: Our loves drop off, our hearts drop in, And daily thicker grows our skin.

We scarcely live, we scarcely know The wide world's moving ebb and flow, The clanging currents ring and shock, But we are rooted to the rock.

And thus at ending of his span, Blind, deaf, and indolent, does Man Revert to the Ascidian."

--_St. James's Gazette (July 1880)._

A GEOLOGICAL MADRIGAL.

"I have found out a gift for my fair; I know where the fossils abound, Where the footprints of _Aves_ declare The birds that once walked on the ground; Oh, come, and--in technical speech-- We'll walk this Devonian sh.o.r.e, Or on some Silurian beach We'll wander, my love, evermore.

I will show thee the sinuous track By the slow-moving Annelid made, Or the Trilobite that, farther back, In the old Potsdam sandstone was laid; Thou shalt see in his Jura.s.sic tomb, The Plesiosaurus embalmed; In his Oolitic prime and his bloom Iguanodon safe and unharmed!

You wished--I remember it well, And I loved you the more for that wish-- For a perfect cystedian sh.e.l.l And a _whole_ holocephalic fish.

And oh, if Earth's strata contains In its lowest Silurian drift, Or palaeozoic remains The same--'tis your lover's free gift.

Then come, love, and never say nay, But calm all your maidenly fears; We'll note, love, in one summer's day The record of millions of years; And though the Darwinian plan Your sensitive feelings may shock, We'll find the beginning of man-- Our fossil ancestors, in rock!"