The Comical Adventures of Twm Shon Catty Part 24

CHAPTER x.x.xIII.

FINE Arts at a discount. Hungry Moses, whose appet.i.te was his ruin. New tricks and jokes on Ready Rosser. Parson Inco once more.

Twm left Ystrad Feen in no enviable state of mind. He was in a similar temper to that of a child when deprived of a favourite toy, and as he urged his horse with speed in the direction of Llandovery, he determined never to place faith in woman again,-a resolution which underwent some slight modification before he reached the "Cat and Fiddle," a diminutive-looking ale-house, where for the present he decided to take up his quarters.

Notwithstanding his chagrin, he could not help smiling at this whimsical sign, then newly painted,-a droll-faced creature of the feline race, drawn, as an enthusiast in melody, erect on her hind feet, her eyes turned up in ecstacy, while her open mouth seemed to be mewing music, or tow-rowing harmony at a fine rate, in concord with the fiddle that she handled with the most artist-like taste, and professional gravity. If the sign was to his taste, a sort of homely snuggery in the form of a small parlour, and a good-humoured-looking fat landlady, were no less so.

Dinah Dew, the widowed mistress of the Cat and Fiddle informed him that she owed her sign to the skill of a poor tramping painter, who had run into her debt, to the enormous amount of five s.h.i.+llings and sevenpence half-penny, for board, was.h.i.+ng, lodging, and drinking: and the poor fellow being penniless and without work, "I let him free," said she, "for the sign, and gave him a s.h.i.+lling and a brown loaf over."

This liberal patronage of the fine arts, (for the sign included music, poetry, and painting,) gave Twm a favourable opinion of his hostess. She apologized to him for the absence of her hostler, and said he was a poor ragged fellow with a pregnant wife, and two children; by trade a mat and basket maker; also a waiter at two other taverns; and an occasional husbandry servant with several farmers, who employed him in their busy times. "The fellow is well enough," said the little round woman, "but for his cormorant appet.i.te; and eat what he may, he never looks better for it. Indeed your horse would scarcely be safe with him, but that this is not the most hungry time of year."

"I knew such another once," thought Twm, his mind reverting to the hungry house of Morris Greeg; as he went forward on his walk over the fields.

The said "hostler" soon overtook him, to ask his commands about his horse. Twm looked with compa.s.sion on the ragged Guy Fawkes figure before him, and conceived that he might earn a fair livelihood by merely walking over the farmer's grounds, as all the kites and crows must inevitably flap their departing wings at his approach. Twm looked into a keen pair of ferret eyes, that glistened above a high-bridged parrot nose, and found no difficulty in identifying the miserable Moses of past days.

Twm's spirit of joking was rampant within him, notwithstanding the morning's vexations, and he determined upon having a little fun, in refres.h.i.+ng Moses's memory regarding a few incidents which were best forgotten. a.s.suming an att.i.tude of tremendous importance, and overwhelming authority, he commenced:

"You are the very fellow I have been long seeking. You ran away from the comfortable and very plentiful house of Morris Greeg, in Cardigans.h.i.+re; after having in concert with a young scamp, named Twm Shon Catty, eaten all his pork and mutton." Moses started and looked blue as indigo.

"I'll have thee put in stocks, and taken back to the house of that generous and most injured man," cried Twm, in the tone of a jack-in-office.

Compa.s.sionating the perplexity of the poor devil, he caught his hand and cried, "Don't you know me?-Twm, your former fellow-starveling." "Well, well! who could have thought it!" cried the astonished Moses; "dear, dear, what a many good dinners you must have had to make you look so well."

Twm a.s.sured him, he should have dinners too, if he behaved himself, but charged him to be silent as to their former acquaintance. Moses so bounced and bounded up, in token of his rapture, that Twm feared the wind would bear away the poor creature like a paper kite from him.

Poor fellow! antic.i.p.ating warmth and comfort from such a proceeding, he married a very fat widow of a butcher, who was accomplished in her husband's calling. Moses had often sought the pleasant shelter of her slaughter-house, and amusingly admired the dexterous and delicate manner in which she cut the throats, and flayed the hides off the subjects that she operated on; inasmuch that he conceived the creatures themselves ought to be delighted at being so skilfully finished. After he had wooed and won the widow, oftentimes, when she was almost broken-hearted at her failing to sell certain joints towards the close of the market-day, Moses would be in raptures, as he feelingly observed, they would eat the unsold portion themselves. Somehow their trade gradually declined, till latterly it ceased altogether, and the widow was no longer a butcher, owing, as she protested, to her husband's being a "huge feeder," and the mysterious disappearance of various joints that she suspected him of devouring in secret.

Where were now the lover's despair and tears, his dedication to a life of solitude, nay, his refusal even of life? True, for some days, Twm stalked about in the neighbourhood of the "Cat and Fiddle" as if his earthly mission had been brought to a sudden termination; as if, like Oth.e.l.lo, his occupation was gone, and there was no likelihood of any other suitable employment turning up. Alas for the consistency of the lover!-days we repeat, and not weeks nor months, much less years, of seclusion of this kind. He soon ill.u.s.trated the Shaksperian adage, "Men have died, and worms have eaten them, but not for love." But by him everything was to be done by strokes of impulse. To banish his cares, he plunged at once into intemperance; and from merely tolerating a little cheerful company, he entered the society of the greatest topers and madcaps to be found, till he emulated and outdid the highest, and became the very prince of wags and practical jokers.

He was of course recognized as the conqueror of the tremendous Dio the Devil, and the acknowledged preserver of the lady of Ystrad Feen, which, with his relation of many freaks and vagaries in England, together with the a.s.sured fact that he had been once to London, and spent a year there, gained him no inconsiderable share of celebrity.

The good-humoured Justice Prothero, he found as merry, and as much a friend as ever. "Fear not for the fair widow, boy!" would he exclaim, slapping him heartily on the back; "she'll have thee yet, in spite of the long-nosed Prices and their pedigrees."

To divert him from his frequent fits of melancholy, and dangerous freaks of folly among his newly-made companions at Llandovery, Prothero would keep him a week at a time under his friendly roof, and make trifling bets, to amuse him, by which freaks he secured some enjoyment for himself also.

Ready Rosser again became his antagonist in these rustic feats and stratagems. The first wager that Prothero laid, was of twenty s.h.i.+llings, that Twm would not by his cunning decoy a sheep out of the safe keeping of this worthy, as he was to fetch one home for butchering on the morrow; but if he succeeded, the mutton and the money would both become his own; otherwise he would forfeit that sum and resign the woolly victim to its owner. To all this our hero agreed, and prepared accordingly.

Ready Rosser was as loud in bidding defiance to our hero, now as he had been on a former occasion, where the result had scarcely justified his extravagant bragging. He shouldered his sheep, vowing before his grinning fellow-servants, who grouped round to crack their jests on him, that the devil himself should not deprive him of his burden. As he proceeded along a part of the high road, up a slight ascent, he discovered with surprise, a good leathern shoe lying in the mud. A shoe of leather, be it known, in a country where wooden clogs are generally worn, is no despicable prize. Rosser looked at the object before him with a longing eye; but reflecting that one shoe, however good, was useless unmatched with a fellow, spared himself the trouble of stooping, for troublesome it would have been with such a weight on his shoulders, and pa.s.sed on without lifting it. On walking a little farther, and going round a bend in the road, great was his surprise on finding another shoe, a fellow to the former, lying in the sledge mark, which like the rut of a wheel, indented the mud with hollow stripes. In the height of his joy he laid down the sheep, with its legs tied, beside the shoe, and ran back for the other; when Twm Shon Catty, watching his opportunity, sprang over the hedge, and seized his prize, which he bore off securely; won his bet, and ate his mutton undisturbed.

The termination of this sheep wager did not add to Ready Rosser's reputation, and that worthy was nearly beside himself with rage, on finding himself again beaten. His master, Squire Prothero, although the most good-humoured of country gentlemen, was rather angry with Rosser, whose shrewdness always became questionable when opposed to Twm's. It was admitted, in excuse, that the most cunning at times may be accidentally over-reached by his inferior in wit. On this plea the merry magistrate was conciliated, and induced into another wager, precisely like the former, when a similar sum, against our hero, and in favour of his servant, was laid and accepted. The man of shrewdness, as before, determined to use the utmost vigilance and caution to preserve his charge and redeem his reputation. He grasped his load, which was a fine fat ewe, most manfully, and swore violent oaths in answer to his master's exhortation to chariness, that human ingenuity should never trick him again; but

"Great protestations do make that doubted, Which we would else right willingly believe."

In his way to Llangattock, he had to pa.s.s through a wood, which he had scarcely entered, when the bleating of a sheep attracted his attention, and he came to a dead stand, as he intently listened to what he conceived a well-known voice. "Baa-baa!" again saluted his ear. A sudden conviction rushed across his mind, that this was the very sheep he had before lost, which he imagined might have been concealed by Twm in the recess of the woody dingle.

What a glorious chance, thought he, of recovering his lost credit with his master, and depriving his antagonist of his laurels! He instantly deposited his burden beneath a tree; and eagerly forcing his way through the copse and bushes, he followed the bleating a considerable way down the wood, when to his great dismay it ceased altogether. A thought now struck him, though rather too late, that the bleating proceeded from no sheep, but a more subtle ram, in the presence of Twm Shon Catty; he hurried back in a grievous fright, and found his surmises but too true-the second sheep, and his high reputation for shrewdness, had both taken flight together.

Moses's face and figure began to improve, for he received the greater proportion of the winnings both of money and mutton, and he secretly thanked the good fortune which had brought him into Twm's service.

Squire Prothero, not yet being tired of our hero's witty genius and cunning cleverness, offered to oppose to his cunning, the collective vigilance of his husbandmen and maidens; laying a bet with him that he should not steal a white ox, with which a black one was to be yoked to the plough. The plough to be held by Rosser and driven by another servant; while two girls, driving each a harrow, should also be on their guard, to prevent his aim if possible.

There could be no doubt that Twm would accept this wager as he had done the others, and accordingly he very obligingly undertook to convey away the white ox, as he had formerly done the bull Bishop; and to eat the gentleman's beef, provided it turned out sufficiently tender; protesting with a half yawn, and the perfect ease of a modern Corinthian, that he was absolutely tired of mutton, which he had too long persisted in eating, against the judgment and advice of his physician.

The morning at length dawned, when the test of Twm's sagacity, the most severe to which it had yet been exposed, was to be applied. The plough was guided and the cattle driven, while two bare-footed maidens giggled and laughed till the rocks echoed, as they whipped the horses and ran by their sides, till the harrows bounced against the stones, and sometimes turned over; their mirth was excited by the idea of Twm's folly in accepting such a bet, and thinking to steal the white ox from under their noses, the impossibility of which was so evident.

The two servants at the plough also cracked and enjoyed their clumsy jokes at the thought of our hero's temerity, at the same time keeping a wary eye in every direction, armed against surprisals, and exulting in the thought that for once, at least, the dexterous Twm would be baffled in his aim. Time went on; the day waned away towards the evening, and as their fatigue increased, their vigilance gradually lessened.

Such was the state of matters when Moses, who seemed to be loitering about without any particular purpose in view, encountered them, and, laughing loudly at the cautious and careful way in which they continued to guard their prize, a.s.sured them that Twm had given up the idea of outwitting such a wary and clever party, and was at that moment drinking his wine with their master, whom he allowed to win the wager.

"Allowing, indeed!" quoth a sharp-tongued la.s.s, as she stopped her harrow to listen, "pretty allowing, when he could not help himself!" "Aye,"

cried the other girl, "so the fox allowed the goose to escape, when she took to flight and escaped his clutches!"

Rosser and the plough-boy exulted in their antic.i.p.ated reward of a skin-full of strong beer. Thus the whole party was excited to a high pitch of triumphant mirth. Moses was, of course, a decoy, and his report had really the effect of throwing them off their guard, which another circ.u.mstance contributed to aid. The rural party had rested, sitting on their ploughs and harrows, at one end of the field, while they listened to their informant; and now were about to resume their labours, when a hare started from the adjoining thicket, crossing the ground towards the opposite hedge.

Suddenly the halloo arose; away ran the ploughman and girls, over hedges and ditches, and away ran the yelping sheep-dog, amid the clamour of shouting and barking; but the wondering oxen stood still, and their grave looks of astonishment gradually changed to a more animated expression of alarm on the arrival of Twm Shon Catty.

Having loosed his captive hare to decoy the clowns, he availed himself of their absence to dress the black ox in a white morning gown,-that is to say, a sheet, which became him much, and contrasted with his complexion amazingly; and the white ox he attired in a suit of mourning, formed of the burial pall which he had borrowed from the clerk of Llandingad church for that express purpose; and, having unloosened his fair friend from the yoke, they suddenly disappeared through a gap in the hedge.

Although busily engaged in the gentlemanly pastime of the chase, the husbandry worthies now and then glanced towards the plough, but seeing, as they thought, the white ox safe, returned to it at a leisurely pace, till quickened, as they neared it, by the singular sight before them; and their petty vexation at losing the hare was now swallowed up by the terrible circ.u.mstance of their loss of their especial charge. A suitable lamentation followed, of course, which was succeeded by fear and trembling, from a conviction that Twm Shon Catty dealt with the devil; and that the hare which they had chased was no other than the foe of man in disguise. This reasonable and self-evident a.s.sumption quite satisfied their merry master, who deemed himself quite compensated for his loss by the hearty laugh he enjoyed.

Twm and his singular charge entered Llandovery in triumph, the white ox being gaily decorated with ribbons, and the half-starved, but trustworthy, Moses seated on its back. Loud were the huzzas and laughter by which he was received by the juvenile part of the population of Llandovery; not one of whom enjoyed the sight more than the good-humoured Prothero, who cheerfully paid the bet, and from a tavern window had full view of the scene, which he declared excited his laughter till his heart and sides ached with the agreeable convulsion.

Twm did not confine himself to love of beef and mutton. He had higher aspirations which evinced a very ardent pa.s.sion for horse-flesh; and pursued it with all the fiery zest of a first-love, when impeded by difficulties the most insurmountable.

The lady of Ystrad Feen, still sitting on his heart like a night-mare, and pinching it with pain rendered him, however amusing to others, miserable enough within himself. La.s.situde, chagrin, and bitterness, often betrayed themselves in his countenance and manners, and were only transiently removed by the hilarity of the company with which he mixed, or the freaks which he played, in his ill-combined humours of mirth and sorrow. Reckless of consequences, he now entered into the follies less innocent than hitherto detailed; led to them, however, more by a spirit of youthful wildness than by any really criminal intention.

In one of his many walks he found himself one day at Machynlleth, in Montgomerys.h.i.+re, and who should he see but his old enemy Inco Evans of Tregaron, riding into the town on a fine grey horse? "Ho, ho!" quoth he, "my dear friend still alive! Now is that horse to be mine or his?" said he to himself, as he produced a copper coin; "now heads for Inco, and tails for Twm," added he, as he tossed the penny high up in the air. On its fall to the ground he found that fortune had declared against the parson.

With the utmost coolness he made himself known to the amiable Inco, whose features underwent various contortions at the recognition; nor did they settle to serenity when Twm with provoking laughter told him that he must journey homeward on foot, as it was a settled thing fixed by fate, that he was to have the gallant grey himself. Inco started and stared; but, without answering a word, he hurried to the innkeeper and the hostler, charging them to lock the stable, and a.s.sist him to secure a daring delinquent whom he had discovered in the street. On reaching the stable, the grey, like the grey mist of morning, had dissolved from view, and our hero was equally invisible in the ancient town of Machynlleth.

This last transaction sat uneasily on Twm's conscience. He thought that it hardly came within the legitimate bounds of a joke, although the free and unlicensed spirit of the times permitted a long tether in this respect; he therefore promised himself some mirth in returning the grey horse to Inco, if he could be found in a Welshpool fair, which was probable, as the acc.u.mulating clerical magistrate was a great trafficker in farm stock of all kinds. Thither proceeded the gallant Twm, on a fine Monday morning, in the following week; but the purpose of his better thoughts was unluckily thwarted.

On entering this little wool-combing town, a certain countenance burst upon his recollection; the owner of the face made known to him as a stranger, and made overtures for the purchase of the steed. It struck our hero that there would be some fun in selling it to this personage-no other than young Marmaduke Gras.p.a.cre-as it could not but cause a whimsical altercation with Inco Evans. Accordingly a bargain was struck, and Twm received the amount in hard cash.

Both parties were highly pleased with their transaction, and Twm praised the grey steed still more warmly now that he had pocketed the money. He spoke quite enthusiastically of the animal's points, remarking that its merits were far away in excess of what he had represented them to be. "I protest to you in honesty and truth," he exclaimed with much earnestness, "you have a greater bargain than you imagine. As I was not anxious to sell him, I have omitted to inform you of half his good qualities; he is capable of performing such wonderful feats as you never heard of."

"You don't say so!" exclaimed the elated Marmaduke, staring alternately at his horse and at our hero. "In fact, I a.s.sure you," cries Twm, with the most sober face imaginable; "and if you don't believe me, I'll convince you in a moment, if you will allow me to mount him." "Oh, certainly, with many thanks," quoth the delighted heir of Gras.p.a.cre Hall.

Twm very leisurely mounted, and after a variety of postures and curvetings, gradually got out of the fair into the high-road; suddenly giving spur and rein to the "gallant steed," he astonished Marmaduke by his disappearance.

The "green" one had to confess with bitterness of heart, that the jockey had certainly kept his word, as he showed him such a trick as he never before saw, or heard of. But when he received a note informing him that the horse-dealer was his old "friend" Twm, his wrath was boundless.

The fame of Twm's cunning and adroitness spread through the whole country round, and his wide-spread reputation brought him many country people to consult him respecting their difficulties.

One morning, while sitting in his favourite corner at the Cat and Fiddle, a person called, who described himself as a small farmer in the neighbourhood, his name Morgan Thomas; and having heard so much of his cleverness, he came to ask his advice on an affair of great weight. He had been annoyed, he said, by the continual trespa.s.sing of a certain squire's pigeons on his ground, which had made such a havoc amid his wheat yearly, that the loss was grievous to him; he had computed his damages, and applied for the amount, for the last four years; reckoning that the forty pigeons would devour at least a bushel of wheat each annually. The squire only laughed at his claims and complaints, telling him he might pound them and be d-d, if he liked when he would pay the alleged damages and not till then.

"Now, to pound them, I should like vastly," quoth Morgan Thomas, "but without the squire's polite invitation to be d-ned, at the same time.

But," added the poor farmer, "pounding pigeons, I look upon as impossible; yet as you have done feats no less wonderful, if you will pound those mischievous pigeons for me, I will engage to give you half the amount of my claims." "Agreed?" cried Twm, and grasped his hand, in token that he undertook the task.