Successful Recitations Part 6

"From a saurian interior, Christian friends, I now address you"-- (And "Oh heaven!" or its correlative, groaned shuddering we)-- "While there yet remains a sc.r.a.p of my ident.i.ty, for, bless you, This unG.o.dly alligator's fast a.s.similating me.

"For although through nine abysmal days I've fought with his digestion, Being hostile to his processes and loth to pulpify, It is rapidly becoming a most complicated question How much of me is crocodile, how much of him is I.

"And, Oh, my friends, 'tis sorrow's crown of sorrow to remember That this sacrilegious reptile owed me nought but grat.i.tude, For I bought him from a showman twenty years since come November, And I dropped him in the river for his own and others' good.

"It had grieved me that the spouses of our townsmen, and their daughters, Should be shocked by river bathers and their indecorous ways, So I cast my bread, that is, my alligator, on the waters, And I found it, in a credit balance, after many days.

"Years I waited, but at last there came the rumour long-expected, And the out-of-door ablutionists forsook their wicked paths, And the issues of my handiwork divinely were directed In a constant flow of custom to the Corporation Baths.

"'Twas a weakling when I bought it; 'twas so young that you could pet it; But with all its disadvantages I reckoned it would do; And it did: Oh, lay the moral well to heart and don't forget it-- Put decorum first, and all things shall be added unto you.

"Lies! all lies! I've done with virtue. Why should _I_ be interested In the cause of moral progress that I served so long in vain, When the fifteen hundred odd I've so judiciously invested Will but go to pay the debts of some young rip who marries Jane?

"But the reptile overcomes me; my ident.i.ty is sinking; Let me hasten to the finish; let my words be few and fit.

I was walking by the river in the starry silence, thinking Of what Providence had done for me, and I had done for it;

"I had reached the saurian's rumoured haunt, where oft in fatal folly I had dropped garotted dogs to keep his carnal craving up"

(Said Joe Thomson, in a whisper, "That explains my Highland colley!"

Said Bob Williams, _sotto voce_, "That explains my Dandy pup!").

"I had pa.s.sed to moral questions, and found comfort in the notion That fools are none the worse for things not being what they seem, When, behold, a seeming log became instinct with life and motion, And with sudden curvature of tail upset me in the stream.

"Then my leg, as in a vice"--but here the revelation faltered, And the medium rose and shook himself, remarking with a smile That the requisite conditions were irrevocably altered, For the personality of Biggs was lost in crocodile.

Now, whether Sludge's story would succeed in holding water Is more, perhaps, than one has any business to suspect; But I know that on the strength of it I married Biggs's daughter, And I found a certain portion of the narrative correct.

THE AMENITIES OF SHOPPING.

BY LEOPOLD WAGNER.

If there is one thing I do dislike, it is to go into a draper's shop.

To my mind, it is not a man's business at all; it is one essentially feminine. I have never been able to reconcile, myself to the troublesome formalities one has to go through in these marts of female finery; there seems to be no such thing as to pop inside for a trifling article, lay down your money for it, and get away again.

No; the system of trade pursued at such establishments is undoubtedly to get you to sit down, with leisure to look about you, and coax you into buying things you don't want.

Years ago, when I was living in lonely lodgings, I had occasion one Sat.u.r.day night to slip into the nearest draper's shop for some pins.

"I only want a farthing's worth of pins," I observed, apologetically, to the bald-headed shopwalker who pounced down upon me. "Please to step this way." To my astonishment he marched me to the extreme end of the shop, thence through an opening in the side wall, past another long double row of dames and damsels of all sorts and sizes making purchases, and finally referred me to a young lady whose special function in life seemed to consist in selling pins to adventurous young gentlemen like myself. She was an extremely good looking young lady too, and I felt considerably embarra.s.sed at the insignificance of my purchase. "And the next thing, please?" she asked, during the wrapping-up process. I informed her, as politely as I could, that I did not require anything more.

"Gloves, handkerchiefs, collars, s.h.i.+rts, neckties--?"

"No thank you," I returned, "I only came in for the pins." But I was not to be let off so easily.

Utterly ignoring the humble penny that I had laid down on the counter, she showed me samples of almost everything in the shop suitable for male wear. Blus.h.i.+ng to the roots of my hair, I implored her to spare herself further trouble, as my wardrobe was already extensive. Then she showed me a sample silk umbrella. I was unwilling to rush away abruptly from the presence of such a charming young lady, but she provoked me to it; indeed, I was only prevented from carrying out my design by my failure to discern the hole in the wall through which I had been inveigled into that department. "If you would be so good as to give me my change," I stammered out, feeling heartily ashamed at the thought of wanting the change at all.

"Certainly sir." Then she proceeded to make out the bill. "Oh, never mind about the bill," I said, "I'm rather in a hurry." Of this appeal she took no notice. "Sign, please," she said to the young lady at her elbow. "Pins, one farthing," she added to my utter confusion. The second young lady made a wild flourish over the bill with her pencil and turned away. My fair tormentor slowly wrapped my penny in the bill, screwed up the whole inside a large wooden ball, jerked a dangling cord at her elbow, then stood looking me straight in the face as the ball went rolling along a set of tramway lines over our heads to the other end of the shop. That was the most melancholy game at skittles I ever took part in. It seemed an age before the ball came back to us, whereupon the young lady took out the bill and my change--a halfpenny. "We haven't a farthing in the place," she said innocently, "What else will you take for it?" "Oh, it doesn't matter at all," I returned, anxious only to rush away from the spot--which I did. It was a good quarter-of-an-hour before I gained the street.

During that interval, I strayed into the carpet department, upset an old lady, fell sprawling over a chair, rushed into the arms of the shopwalker, knocked down a huge stack of flannels, trod on some unfortunate young fellow's corn, making him howl with pain, and last, not least, ran foul of a perambulator laden with a baby and the usual Sat.u.r.day night's marketing in the doorway.

I entered that shop full of hope and promise; I left it a melancholy man.

Though not quite so exciting as the foregoing, there is an intimate connection between that incident and the one I shall now dwell upon.

Let me tell the tale as I told it to my wife. The other day I brought home a neat little j.a.panese basket--a mere knick-knack, costing only twopence. "Oh, how pretty!" exclaimed my wife. "Wherever did you get this?" "I bought it at a large shop in Regent Street," I answered, "but it cost me a great deal of trouble to get it." Pressed for particulars, I continued:

"I was amusing myself by looking at the shops, when I saw a lot of these little j.a.panese baskets in the corner of a large window, plainly marked twopence each. So I stepped inside to buy one. The door was promptly opened for me by a black boy, resplendent in gold-faced livery. He made me a profound salaam, as a gentleman of aristocratic bearing came forward to meet me. 'And what may I have the pleasure of showing you?' he inquired. 'Oh!' I returned, not without some misgivings, 'I only want one of those little j.a.panese baskets which you have in one corner of the window, marked, I believe, twopence each.' 'Certainly, sir. Will you be so kind as to step into this department?' he said.

"Meekly I followed him through long avenues of silks, damasks, brocades, and other costly examples of Oriental luxury in all the tints of the rainbow. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable at the thought of causing him so much trouble, when he paused at the entrance to another department, and called out, 'j.a.panese baskets, please.' Then turning to me, he said, 'If you will be good enough to step forward, they will be most happy to serve you.' I did so, and found myself on the threshold of an Eastern bazaar. Another n.o.bleman now took me in hand. 'And what may I have the pleasure----' he began, making a courteous bow. 'I only want one of those little j.a.panese baskets which you have in a corner of your window, marked, I believe, twopence each--or, possibly, they may be two s.h.i.+llings?' I said in a shaky voice. 'No, sir, quite right--they are twopence each,' he replied, to my great relief; for I had begun to suspect they might be two guineas. 'Will you do me the favour to step this way?' While following at his side, I asked myself whether, at the end of my travels, I should ever be able to find my way back again; so bewildering were the ramifications through which we pa.s.sed. Presently he handed me over to another n.o.bleman, who, having learned my pleasure (which by this time had developed rather painful tendencies), graciously escorted me to the further end of a long counter, and begged me to take a chair. A stylishly-dressed young lady sailed towards us behind the counter. 'I shall feel extremely obliged,' said the n.o.bleman to her, 'If you will be so good as to request Miss Doubleyou to step down, and serve this gentleman. 'Yes, sir,' answered the young lady, as she vanished somewhere behind me; for my eyes were now following the retreating figure of the n.o.bleman.

After a little while I heard a pattering of feet, and, looking round, beheld some tokens of a young lady descending a spiral staircase. She was behind the counter the next moment and then I made a discovery.

It was the same young lady who had served me with the farthing's worth of pins years before! I recognised her at once, and I suspect the recognition was mutual. But, of course, she never betrayed the least emotion.'And what article may I have the pleasure to serve you with?' she asked, m the still small voice of a d.u.c.h.ess. There was a gulping sensation in my throat as I answered, 'You have, I believe, in one corner of one of your windows a number of little j.a.panese baskets, marked, if my eyes did not deceive me, twopence each. (The graceful nod of her head was rea.s.suring.) I should be very glad to become the possessor of one of those articles.' 'Certainly, sir, I'll bring it to you,' she answered. 'Oh, thank you!' I returned, delighted at the prospect; and so she departed on her errand of mercy.

"Whether, by the rules of the establishment, it was necessary for her to obtain a written permission from each of those three n.o.blemen to pa.s.s over their territory and invade the shop window, or whether she lost herself in the numerous windings and turnings through which I had been conducted in perfect safety, I cannot say; I only know that she was gone a very long time. But when at last she made her reappearance with one of those little j.a.panese baskets in her hand, and beaming with smiles, I felt I owed her an everlasting debt of grat.i.tude. She did not ask me if there was any other article she could have the pleasure of showing me; she had asked me that before and she remembered that I was proof against her persuasiveness! The fair creature simply made a movement towards the spiral staircase, as I thought, to fetch down a witness to the important transaction, until my eyes rested on some tissue paper. 'Pray don't stay to wrap it up,' I exclaimed, 'my pockets are ample,' and my thanks were profuse. Seizing the coveted treasure, I laid my twopence down on the counter and walked straight forward in a contrary direction to that by which I had entered, gladdened by the prospect that I was making direct for the street. If anyone had arrested my progress for the sake of further formalities, I should unquestionably have knocked them down. But everyone must have seen the glare of defiant desperation flas.h.i.+ng from my restless eyes and no one dared to bar my egress. As I emerged from that shop into Regent Street, I felt as exhausted as if I had just bought a grand piano or a suite of furniture. 'Really,' I said to my wife in conclusion, 'if I could have foreseen all the trouble in store for me over buying this little j.a.panese basket, price twopence, it would have been still reposing with its companions in the corner of that magnificent shop window in Regent Street.'"

She promised to prize it all the more on that account. And now, when I look at that little j.a.panese basket, my mind wanders back to the farthing's worth of pins I purchased in my old bachelor days.

SHAMUs...o...b..IEN: A TALE OF '98.

BY J. SHERIDAN LE FANU.

Jist afther the war, in the year '98, As soon as the boys wor all scattered and bate, 'Twas the custom, whenever a pisant was got, To hang him by thrial--barrin' sich as was shot.-- There was trial by jury goin' on in the light, And martial-law hangin' the lavins by night It's them was hard times for an honest gossoon: If he got past the judges--he'd meet a dragoon; An' whether the sodgers or judges gev sintance, The divil an hour they gev for repintance.

An' it's many's the boy that was then on his keepin', Wid small share iv restin', or atin', or sleepin'; An' because they loved Erin, an' scorned for to sell it, A prey for the bloodhound, a mark for the bullet-- Unsheltered by night, and unrested by day, With the _heath_ for their _barrack, revenge_ for their _pay_.

The bravest an' hardiest boy iv them all, Was Shamus...o...b..ien, o' the town iv Glingall.

His limbs were well-set, an' his body was light, An' the keen-fanged hound had not teeth half so white.

But his face was as pale as the face of the dead, And his cheeks never warmed with the blush of the red; But for all that he wasn't an ugly young bye, For the divil himself couldn't blaze with his eye, So droll an' so wicked, so dark and so bright, Like a fire-flash crossing the depth of the night; He was the best mower that ever was seen, The handsomest hurler that ever has been.

An' his dancin' was sich that the men used to stare, An' the women turn crazy, he done it so quare; Be gorra, the whole world gev in to him there.

An' it's he was the boy that was hard to be caught, An' it's often he run, an' it's often he fought, An' it's many the one can remember right well The quare things he done: an' it's often heerd tell How he lathered the yeomen, himself agin' four, An' stretched the two strongest on old Galtimore.--

But the fox _must_ sleep sometimes, the wild deer _must_ rest, An' treachery play on the blood iv the best.-- Afther many brave actions of power and pride, An' many a hard night on the bleak mountain's side, An' a thousand great dangers and toils overpast, In the darkness of night he was taken at last.

Now, Shamus, look back on the beautiful moon, For the door of the prison must close on you soon, An' take your last look on her dim lovely light, That falls on the mountain and valley this night;-- One look at the village, one look at the flood, An' one at the sheltering, far-distant wood.

Farewell to the forest, farewell to the hill, An' farewell to the friends that will think of you still; Farewell to the pathern, the hurlin' an' wake, And farewell to the girl that would die for your sake.--

An' twelve sodgers brought him to Maryborough jail, An' the turnkey resaved him, refusin' all bail; The fleet limbs wor chained, an' the sthrong hands wor bound, An' he laid down his length on the cowld prison ground.

An' the dreams of his childhood kem over him there, As gentle an' soft as the sweet summer air; An' happy rememberances crowding on ever, As fast as the foam-flakes dhrift down on the river, Bringing fresh to his heart merry days long gone by, Till the tears gathered heavy and thick in his eye.

But the tears didn't fall, for the pride of his heart Would not suffer _one_ drop down his pale cheek to start; Then he sprang to his feet in the dark prison cave, An' he swore with the fierceness that misery gave, By the hopes of the good, an' the cause of the brave, That when he was mouldering low in the grave His enemies never should have it to boast His scorn of their vengeance one moment was lost; His bosom might bleed, but his cheek should be dhry, For, undaunted he _lived_, and undaunted he'd _die_.

Well, as soon as a few weeks was over and gone, The terrible day iv the thrial kem on; There _was sich_ a crowd there was scarce room to stand, The sodgers on guard, the dhragoons sword-in-hand.

An' the court-house so full that the people were bothered.

Attorneys an' criers were just upon smothered; An' counsellers almost gev over for dead.

The jury sat up in their box overhead; An' the judge on the bench so detarmined an' big, With his gown on his back, and an illigent wig; Then silence was called, and the minute 'twas said The court was as still as the heart of the dead, An' they heard but the turn of a key in a lock,-- An' Shamus...o...b..ien kem into the dock.--

For a minute he turned his eye round on the throng, An' he looked at the irons, so firm and so strong, An' he saw that he had not a hope nor a friend, A chance of escape, nor a word to defend; Then he folded his arms as he stood there alone, As calm and as cold as a statue of stone; And they read a big writin', a yard long at laste, An' Jim didn't hear it, nor mind it a taste, An' the judge took a big pinch iv snuff, and he says, "Are you guilty or not, Jim O'Brien, av you plase?"

An' all held their breath in the silence of dhread As Shamus...o...b..ien made answer and said: