Quips and Quiddities Part 35

He could not know in Pimlico, As little she in Seville, That _I_ should reel upon that peel, And--wish them at the devil.

FREDERICK LOCKER, _London Lyrics_.

Kenny said that Anthony Pasquin (who was a very dirty fellow) "died of a cold caught by was.h.i.+ng his face."

THOMAS MOORE, _Diary_.

_ON THE PRINCE REGENT'S ILLNESS._

The Regent, sir, is taken ill; And all depends on Halford's skill; "Pray what," inquired the sage physician, "Has brought him to this sad condition?"

When Bloomfield ventured to p.r.o.nounce, "A little too much Cherry Bounce,"

The Regent, hearing what was said, Raised from his couch his aching head, And cried, "No, Halford, 'tis not so!

_Cure us, O_ doctor,--_Curacoa!_"

H. LUTTRELL, _apud_ BARHAM.

Brigham Young has two hundred wives. He loves not wisely, but two hundred well. He's dreadfully married. He's the most married man I ever saw in my life. He says that all he wants now is to live in peace for the remainder of his days, and have his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his family. Well, that's all right, I suppose; but if all his family soothe his dying pillow, he'll have to go out-doors to die.

C. F. BROWNE, _Artemus Ward's Lecture_.

And I said, "What is written, sweet sister, At the opposite end of the room?"

She sobbed, as she answered, "All liquors Must be paid for ere leaving the room."

BRET HARTE, _Complete Works_.

Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Letters to his Son_.

The Walrus and the Carpenter Were walking close at hand; They wept like anything to see Such quant.i.ties of sand: "If this were only cleared away,"

They said, "It _would_ be grand!"

"If seven maids, with seven mops, Swept it for half a year, Do you suppose," the Walrus said, "That they could get it clear?"

"I doubt it;" said the Carpenter, And shed a bitter tear.

LEWIS CARROLL, _Through the Looking-Gla.s.s_.

We easily convert our own vices into other people's virtues, the virtues of others into vices.

W. HAZLITT, _Characteristics_.

You'd better keep clear of love-letters, Or write them with caution and care; In faith, they may fasten your fetters, If wearing a conjugal air.

LORD NEAVES, _Songs and Verses_.

Against stupidity the G.o.ds themselves combat in vain.

HEINRICH HEINE, _Art Notes from Paris_.

_ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE._

'Tis highly rational, we can't dispute, That Love, being naked, should promote a suit; But doth not oddity to him attach Whose fire's so oft extinguished by a match?

R. GARNETT, _Idylls and Epigrams_.

Lord Shelburne could say the most provoking things, and yet appear unconscious of their being so. In one of his speeches, alluding to Lord Carlisle, he said, "The n.o.ble lord has written a comedy." "No, a tragedy." "Oh, I beg pardon, I thought it was a comedy."

ROGERS, _Table Talk_.

There's nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms As rum and true religion.

LORD BYRON, _Don Juan_.

She never speaks to any one, which is of course a great advantage to any one.

LADY ASHBURTON, _apud_ LORD HOUGHTON.

I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: G.o.d Almighty made 'em to match the men.

_Mrs. Poyser_, in GEORGE ELIOT's _Adam Bede_.

"You didn't know I drew? I learnt at school."

"Perhaps you only learnt to draw your sword?"

"Why, that I can, of course--and also corks-- And covers--haw! haw! haw! But what I mean, Fortification--haw!--in Indian ink, That sort of thing--and though I draw it mild, Yet that--haw! haw!--that may be called my _forte_."

"Oh fie! for shame! where do you think you'll go For making such a heap of foolish puns?"

"Why, to the Punjaub, I should think--haw! haw!

That sort of job, you know, would suit me best."

C. J. CAYLEY, _Las Alforgas_.

Tout le monde se plaint de sa memoire, et personne ne se plaint de son jugement.