Incidents of the War: Humorous, Pathetic, and Descriptive Part 29

"Sartin, ma.s.sa, if you please."

"What paper would you choose?" asked the chaplain.

"If you chews, I'll take a paper of terbacker."

The Stolen Stars.

[At a dinner party, at which were present Major-General Lewis Wallace, Thomas Buchanan Read, and James E. Murdoch, a conversation sprung up respecting ballads for the soldiers. The General maintained that hardly one had been written suited for the camp. It was agreed that each of them should write one. The following is that by General Wallace:]

When good old Father Was.h.i.+ngton Was just about to die, He called our Uncle Samuel Unto his bedside nigh; "This flag I give you, Sammy, dear,"

Said Was.h.i.+ngton, said he; "Where e'er it floats, on land or wave, My children shall be free."

And fine old Uncle Samuel He took the flag from him, And spread it on a long pine pole, And prayed, and sung a hymn.

A pious man was Uncle Sam, Back fifty years and more; The flag should fly till Judgment-day, So, by the Lord, he swore.

And well he kept that solemn oath; He kept it well, and more: The thirteen stars first on the flag Soon grew to thirty-four; And every star bespoke a State, Each State an empire won.

No brighter were the stars of night Than those of Was.h.i.+ngton.

Beneath that flag two brothers dwelt; To both 't was very dear; The name of one was Puritan, The other Cavalier.

"Go, build ye towns," said Uncle Sam, Unto those brothers dear; "Build anywhere, for in the world You've none but G.o.d to fear."

"I'll to the South," said Cavalier, "I'll to the South," said he; "I'll to the North," said Puritan, "The North's the land for me."

Each took a flag, each left a tear To good old Uncle Sam; He kissed the boys, he kissed the flags, And, doleful, sung a psalm.

And in a go-cart Puritan His worldly goods did lay; With wife and gun and dog and ax, He, singing, went his way.

Of buckskin was his Sunday suit, His wife wore linsey-jeans; And fat they grew, like porpoises, On hoe-cake, pork, and beans.

But Cavalier a c.o.c.kney was; He talked French and Latin; Every day he wore broadcloth, While his wife wore satin.

He went off in a painted s.h.i.+p- In glory he did go; A thousand n.i.g.g.e.rs up aloft, A thousand down below.

The towns were built, as I've heard said; Their likes were never seen; They filled the North, they filled the South, They filled the land between.

"The Lord be praised!" said Puritan; "Bully!" said Cavalier; "There's room and town-lots in the West, If there isn't any here."

Out to the West they journeyed then, And in a quarrel got; One said 't was his, he knew it was, The other said 't was not.

One drew a knife, a pistol t' other, And dreadfully they swore; From Northern lake to Southern gulf Wild rang the wordy roar.

All the time good old Uncle Sam Sat by his fireside near, Smokin' of his kinnikinnick, And drinkin' lager-beer.

He laughed and quaffed, and quaffed and laughed, Nor thought it worth his while, Until the storm in fury burst On Sumter's sea-girt isle.

O'er the waves to the smoking fort, When came the dewy dawn, To see the flag he looked-and lo!

Eleven stars were gone!

"My pretty, pretty stars," he cried, And down did roll a tear.

"I've got your stars, old Fogy Sam, Ha, ha!" laughed Cavalier.

"I've got your stars in my watch-fob; Come take them if you dare!"

And Uncle Sam he turned away, Too full of wrath to swear.

"Let thunder all the drums!" he cried, While swelled his soul, like Mars; "A million Northern boys I'll get To bring me home my stars."<7p>

And on his mare, stout Betsey Jane, To Northside town he flew; The dogs they barked, the bells did ring, And countless bugles blew.

"My stolen stars!" cried Uncle Sam, "My stolen stars!" cried he, "A million soldiers I must have To bring them back to me."

"Dry up your tears, good Uncle Sam; Dry up!" said Puritan, "We'll bring you home your stolen stars, Or perish every man!"

And at the words a million rose, All ready for the fray; And columns formed, like rivers deep, And Southward marched away.

And still old Uncle Samuel Sits by his fireside near, Smokin' of his kinnikinnick And drinkin' lager-beer; While there's a tremble in the earth, A gleaming of the sky, And the rivers stop to listen As the million marches by.[]

DEBATE

between Rev. Ebenezer Slabsides and Honorable Felix Garrotte, delivered before General Rosecrans and the Society of the Toki.

Debate between Slabsides and Garrotte.

The subject of discussion was-"Who deserved the greatest praise: Mr. Columbus, for discovering America, or Mr. Was.h.i.+ngton, for defending it after it was discovered?" The two characters are personated by an instantaneous change of feature.

[The Honorable Felix Garrotte arose, and said:]

Mr. President, and Gentlemen of this Lyceum:

I suppose the whole country is aware that I take sides with Mr. Kerlumbus, and I hope, Mr. President, that I may be allowed to go a leetle into detail in regard to the history of my hero. I find, Mr. President, after a deal of research, that Mr. Kerlumbus was born in the year 1492, at Rome, a small town situated on the banks of the Nile, a small creek that takes its rise in the Alps, and flows in a south-westerly direction, and empties into the Gulf of Mexico.

Mr. Kerlumbus's parents were poor; his father was a basket-maker, and, being in such low circ.u.mstances, was unable to give his only son that education which his talents and genius demanded. He therefore bound him out to a shepherd, who sot him to watchin' swine on the banks of the Nile; and it was thar, sir, by a cornstalk and rush-light fire, a readin' the history of Robinson Crusoe, that first inspired in his youthful breast the seeds of sympathy and ambition. Sympathy for what? Why, sir, to rescue that unfortunate hero, Mr. Crusoe, from his solitary and lone situation upon the island of Juan Fernandeze, and restore him to the bosom of his family in Germany. He accordingly made immediate application to Julius Caesar for two canoes and a yawl, eight men, and provisions to last him a three-days' cruise; but, sir, he was indignantly refused. He was tuk up the next day and tried by a court-martial for treason, and sentenced to two months' banishment upon the island of Cuba-a small island situated in the Mediterranean Sea-which has lately been purchased by the Sons of Malta for Jeff Davis.

But, sir, he was not to be intimidated by this harsh and cruel treatment. No, sir-ee; on the contrary, he was inspired with renewed zeal and energy; and I can put into the mouth of my hero the immortal words which Milton spoke to the Duke of Wellington, at the siege of Yorktown:

"Once more into the breach, dear friends!"

Well, after the tarm of his banishment had expired, he returned to Rome, and he found that Caesar had died again, and that Alexander the Great had succeeded him. Well, he made the same demand of Alexander that he made of Mr. Caesar, but he met with a similar denial; but, finally, through the intermediation of Cleopatra, (that was Aleck's first wife,) he ultimately succeeded.

It is unnecessary for me to go into a detail of his outfit and voyage. Suffice it to say, that, after having been tossed about upon waves that ran mountain-high, all his crew was lost, except himself and a small boy, and they were thrown upon the state of insensibility.

Well, when he came-to, he rose up, in the majesty of his strength, and found he was upon an island; so he pulled out his red cotton bandana handkercher, tied it to a fish-pole, and rared the stake of Alexander, and took formal possession of the territory in his name, and he called it San Salvador; that was in honor of Cleopatra's eldest daughter.

Well now, you see, Cleopatra was so well pleased with the honor conferred upon her daughter, that she migrated to this country for to settle; hence you see the long line of distinguished antecedents that she left here previously, and they are known as patriots, from Cleopatra.

Now, sir, having accomplished the great and paramount object of his life, he was ready for to die. The natives, therefore, for intrudin' upon their sile, tuk him prisoner, stripped him of his hunting-s.h.i.+rt and other clothing, tarred and feathered him, and rid him on a rail! Thus perished that truly great and good man, who lived and died for mankind. One more remark, Mr. President, and then I am done; and I lay it down as a particular pint in my argument. If it had not have been for Mr. Kerlumbus, Mr. Was.h.i.+ngton would never have been born; besides all this, Mr. Was.h.i.+ngton was a coward. With these remarks, I leave the floor to abler hands.

[Here Mr. Slabsides arose, much excited at hearing Mr. Was.h.i.+ngton called a coward, and said:]

Mr. President: I, sir, for one, am sureptaciously surprised at the quiet manner in which you have listened to the base suspersions cast upon that glorious and good man. Mr. Was.h.i.+ngton a coward! Why, sir, lockjawed be the mouth that spoke it. Mr. Was.h.i.+ngton a coward! Mr. President, my blood's a-bilin' at the idea. Why, sir, look at him at the battle of Tippecanoe! Look at him at the battle of Sarah Gordon! Look at him at the battle of New Orleans! Did he display cowardice thar, sir, or at any of the similar battles that he fout? I ask you, sir, did he display cowardice at the battle of New Orleans?

[Mr. Garrotte arose, and responded to the question. Said he:]

The gentleman will allow me to correct him, one moment. Mr. Was.h.i.+ngton, sir, never fit the battle of New Orleans. He couldn't have fout that battle, for he'd been dead more'n two weeks afore that ar battle was ever fout. He never fit the battle of New Orleans.

Mr. Slabsides.-Will the gentleman-will Mr. Garrotte please state who it was that fit the battle of New Orleans? The gentleman has seen fit to interrupt me; will he please to state who it was fit the battle of New Orleans?

Hon. Felix Garrotte.-If the gentleman will have patience to turn to Josephus, or read Benjamin Franklin's History of the Black-Hawk War, you will thar learn, sir, that it was General Douglas that fit the battle of New Orleans.