Lowboy Part 11

"What's she putting inside it."

The woman opened her mouth but the girl answered first. "Just your cupcakes," she said. "Your five velvets. That's all."

Lowboy looked at the girl more closely. He took his time about it. She was not as young as he had first supposed.

"How old are you?" said Lowboy. "Have you ever been hot?"

"Your change," the woman spat out, s.n.a.t.c.hing the bag from the girl. That brought him some relief but not enough. The room had the same theaterlike calm that he remembered. The hush beforehand. The smells were being sucked back into the ovens. The woman cupped the bag tenderly, protectively, her mouselike face gone featureless and stiff. What's in the bag, Lowboy said to himself. What's in it. Her damp varicose palm cradling the bottom. A faint but unmistakable sound of ticking.

"Put the bag down," Lowboy said to her. "Step away."

They were wondering about him now: they couldn't help it. He was wondering himself.

"Put that f.u.c.king bag down. Take out the machinery."

He drew himself up straight and made his inquisitor's face. He stood righteous and clear-eyed and unafraid and he scared them to death.

"Out," the woman stammered. "Get out of my store." Holding the bag in one hand and his money in the other. Sword and scale, mirror and scepter. Suddenly he recalled that the rest of the world was behind him. He saw the shop as Emily was seeing it: the pastels, the cl.u.s.tered heads, the jars arrayed in cold bilateral symmetry. The order of the world is not my order. He left the bag where it was and retreated. He moved surefootedly and smoothly, letting himself be sucked backward, the last five minutes playing in reverse. Eyes on the floor like a minesweeper. Ears alive to the tiniest tick. Pa.s.sing out through the door he felt a dryness, a sterility, a high desert wind. The pavement coated with dust as in the last scene of a Western. Emily long since swallowed by the sunset.

He found her at a payphone across the street. She was searching for something in the bottom of her bookbag. When she saw that he was coming she zipped it up and waved at him to hurry.

"You found me," she said brightly. "Any luck?"

"Uhhh," he said.

"What happened, h.e.l.ler? Did something go wrong?"

"Sold out."

She picked the bookbag up and started walking. "I didn't want one anyway. They sweat."

He turned her answer over for a time, reviewing it from every side, trying to find some way inside it. "What does that mean?"

"The frosting." She was walking faster than he was, a full step ahead now, not looking back to see if he was following. "You have to eat them quick. On hot days you've got maybe a minute." She was talkative now, reciting meaningless phrases, chirruping little false notes. "We could have split one, I guess. That would probably have worked."

"You said it wasn't hot today," he mumbled. "You said that it was forty-five degrees."

"Huh?" she said. Not paying attention.

He took a deep breath. "You told me-"

"Here we are," she whispered, tugging at his sleeve. "Stop walking, h.e.l.ler! This is the place."

He teetered to a halt and looked around him. A low and graceless brownstone with a skin of withered paint, its left side b.u.t.tressed by a padlocked church. Hudson in front of them, Charles Street behind. Between the brownstone and the corner a bright purple storefront selling latex chaps.

"In there?" he said.

She rolled her eyes. "Sorry, gayboy. Over here."

He turned away unwillingly to a narrow staircase leading underground. A handpainted sign read SAINT JEB S BUY*N*BARTER SAINT JEB S BUY*N*BARTER. Dust-covered windowpanes lit by anemic fluorescents.

"What did we come here for?"

"For clothes, Andre Benjamin. You look like an usher at the Special Olympics."

"Oh," he said. He nodded reasonably.

"Come on, then."

"Who's Andre Benjamin?"

He let her pose him and twist him like a dressmaker's dummy. He let her muss and rearrange his hair. Her fingernails sharp and cool against his scalp. Her breath coming in flutters through her teeth. A corner of the store was curtained off for privacy but she followed him in and cursed and fussed and fretted. His corduroys were elastic at the waist and she laughed softly at that, sliding her thumbnail along his hip. "Sansabelt no good," she said, pulling them down with a jerk. "Sansabelt for men with bladder troubles."

"The school made me wear them, actually. Everybody's pants were like that there."

"What the h.e.l.l for?"

"Safety reasons," he said, smiling down at her. "No belts. No laces. Nothing anyone could use."

She stopped what she was doing and frowned at him. "Okay," she said at last. "I get it." It didn't seem to bother her at all.

She came and went in businesslike rushes, draping things across his chest and disappearing. Giggling and unamused at once. The smooth-faced dandy at the register ignored them. She came and went faster than his dazed eyes could follow and smiled and hissed at him to stop his fidgeting. He thought about his mother painting eyes and lips on mannequins. Had she taken the day off, he wondered. Of course she had. Was she still out looking for him or had she quit. He pictured her having lunch with Skull & Bones.

"All set," Emily said. He took a step toward her but she held up her hands. "Stop right there." She squinted at him. "Okay, h.e.l.ler. That's a billion times better." She tipped an imaginary hat. "Allow me to welcome you to New York City."

What do I look like, he asked her. What person place or thing do I resemble.

She steered him toward the mirror but he pulled free of her grip. "Tell me," he said, stepping back and standing at attention. "I want you to tell me." A lock of her hair still connected them. She made a face at him in a proprietary way. A grocer's face.

"All right," she said severely. "Here we go." She was willing to do it because it was part of the game.

"You've got on sixties-style jeans with a little pair of dice on the back pocket. It looks like somebody st.i.tched them on themselves. Straightcut jeans, not the tapered fairypants the college boys are wearing. These sit low on your a.s.s. They'd look even better if you had a skateboard."

"I used to have one." He wrinkled his nose. "I never really knew what it was for."

"Shut up. A blue gingham s.h.i.+rt with a b.u.t.tondown collar, tucked in in front but not in the back. A black crewneck sweater with moth holes in the sleeves. I didn't want that but you've got to have a sweater. Because it's cold outside, h.e.l.ler. Koko says it's forty-eight degrees."

"Koko?" Lowboy said, looking around him. The dandy raised a liverspotted hand.

"I kept the shoes because they're so totally hideous that it looks as though you're wearing them on purpose." She nodded to herself. "Also they look sort of comfortable."

"They are are comfortable. I like these shoes." comfortable. I like these shoes."

"Come back in here," she said. "I want you to try one more little thing."

She guided him into the corner and pulled the sheet closed after them. She had a belt in her hand, green with black enameled rivets, but she didn't give it to him. She seemed to have forgotten it existed. Her small round face was flushed and close to his. Her lips were chapped and parted. Tomboy's lips. The teeth behind them sharp and closely set.

"Should I put on that belt?"

She pressed two fingers to his bottom lip. Her dark hair clambering up the wall behind her. The ancient tubelights muttering. The damp discolored wallpaper alive now and a witness to their secret. His mouth filled with breath. He saw what was behind her so clearly, saw all of it at once, as though she were a detail in a painting. Blackhaired Girl with Curtain. Like everyone else she was part of the visible world. Girl with Mouth Open in Yellow.

Behind his own head everything was white.

"You almost killed me," she said sweetly. "Did you know that?"

He said nothing. The wallpaper rustled and hung from the ceiling in coils.

"I could have been cut in half, h.e.l.ler. You did that to me."

What could he say to that but I'm so sorry. She took his hand in both of hers and brought it to her stomach. She made a place for it under her s.h.i.+rt. His hand felt a current: a mustering there. Her ribs s.h.i.+fted upward with three precise clicks, like the bones in the back of a snake. His hand found her hip, no thicker than a doorhandle, and she gave the least imaginable s.h.i.+ver. His weight carried him toward her. Her thumbnail caught the hollow of his neck. His lips came apart and a small defenseless thing was lost forever.

"Open your mouth wider," she told him. "Let your tongue out."

He fell back against the wall and did exactly what she told him. He was falling in slow motion. His body didn't know that it was falling but there was no doubt whatsoever that it was. She took a half step forward, a self-conscious shuffle, and let her knuckles catch under his jaw. A stricken feeling and a voluptuousness. To put your tongue where another tongue was kept. There was no way of telling was it the best thing or the worst thing that could happen.

"You see now," she said to him once it was done. Her voice was strange and dull and out of focus. "You see now. Don't you, h.e.l.ler?"

He smiled and nodded and kept his lips shut tight. Now that it was over it had been a good thing without question. A ticklishness inhabiting the teeth. A p.r.i.c.kling against his gums like soda water or like Perrier. That was the reason it was called French kissing.

When Lowboy's eyes came open he was alone behind the sheet. He looked down at himself: the loose jeans, the black sweater, the green belt curled around him like Ouroboros. To his surprise the world appeared unchanged. He heard her laugh, then curse, then laugh a second time. He breathed but it was hard to fill his lungs. She was at the counter talking business with the dandy. Their voices carried softly through the rows of pleated pants and ruffled blouses and by the time they reached him they were barely whispers. He pa.s.sed the belt through his beltloops. It fit perfectly. He'd just gotten it buckled when her arm came around the sheet, casting for him blindly, fingers flapping like a hand without a puppet.

"$37.20," she said. "The $.20 is optional." Laughing from some as-yet-unfinished joke.

He laid his cleanest bill across her fingers and they shut and withdrew with hydraulic precision. He remembered that she used to do the Robot when she was happy, to commemorate certain pivotal events. Watching her slight body rotate and tilt had thrilled him in a way he'd had no words for. A sense of some momentous thing impending. The answer to a question. He wondered whether he could name it now.

When he got to the counter with his clothes under his arm she was doing the Robot gravely for the dandy. He stood beside the register holding the clothes out in front of him but he couldn't seem to catch the dandy's eye. Emily was lost to the world, shooting down flying saucers, and the dandy was watching her do it. Lowboy wondered what his real name was. To the left of the register stood a crepe-lined case cracked and yellow with neglect and inside it paste jewels and Bakelite clasps were laid out like exhibits from forgotten murder trials. He set the clothes down as discreetly as he could. His giddiness had pa.s.sed and he felt small and insignificant and content.

"Koko says you look tasty," Emily said. "Koko says there ought to be a law. I told him as a matter of fact there is."

The dandy looked at him steadily, letting the statement hang exactly where she'd left it. Emily didn't look at him at all. Lowboy ducked his head to study his reflection in the gla.s.s. "What's your real name?" he said. "I bet it's not Koko."

Emily stopped in mid-pivot but the dandy only shrugged. "Ernest," he said. "Ernest Copeley Johnson."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Johnson. My name's William h.e.l.ler."

"But people call you Lowboy," said the dandy. "Why is that?"

Lowboy bit his lip and looked at Emily. He had no memory of having told her.

"I've been away at school," he said. "I had a hard time there."

The dandy heaved a sigh. "Didn't we all."

"A lowboy is an item of furniture," Lowboy said. He hesitated. "Also a dog."

"Very interesting, Mr. h.e.l.ler. Which are you?"

"He's a man on a mission," Emily said, taking him by the hand. "Can we leave his old c.r.a.p with you, Koko?"

"That's what I'm for," said the dandy. "Run along." He hummed a tune at them as they went up the stairs, jaded and magnanimous and wise, the smile lingering bittersweetly on his lips. He said something just as the shopdoor swung shut but the noise of the traffic eclipsed it. "What was that?" said Lowboy.

Emily took his ear and pinched it. "Something about liking your new look."

They crossed the street like other people, like people with nothing between them, and she steered him gently back the way they'd come. He had to ask her twice where they were going.

"I'm a lame-a.s.s, h.e.l.ler. I forgot something at Crowley. Can we go back for just a second?"

"What did you forget?" he said, slowing. Crowley was finished, a completed episode. "Was it something important?"

"Take my word for it, h.e.l.ler."

He didn't want to take her word for it. "What is it?"

She mumbled something that he couldn't hear.

"Emily?"

"Rubbers. It's rubbers rubbers, h.e.l.ler. Okay?"

"Okay," he said. "I guess that's all right, then."

They walked half a block without saying anything else. He was thinking about rubbers, about what rubbers were for, and about the look on her face when she'd finally answered his question. An impatient look, almost resentful, as if the word was somehow too specific. And it was too specific. It turned a cold blue light on what was going to happen.

"It's not like I keep rubbers in my locker all the time," she said, keeping half a step ahead of him. "I don't want you to think that I'm a s.l.u.t." When he said nothing to that she gave a laugh and took out her pack of Salem Lights. "Or maybe I do want you to think that. I don't know."

She slowed down to let him catch her, knocking a cigarette out of the pack, waiting for him to say something.

"Can I b.u.m a smoke?"

She sighed and dropped the pack into his palm. There were only three left and that made him uneasy. Sometime soon they'd have to stop at a bodega.

"You never used to smoke, h.e.l.ler. You used to be afraid of it. You even used to be afraid of matches."

"Everyone smokes at the school." He found a cigarette he liked and shook it out. "There's nothing else to do."

She lit a match for him. "Didn't you have board games or anything? Wasn't there any TV?"

"The TV was just a bunch of moving pictures."

She frowned at him. "Was the volume broken?"

"There wasn't anything-" He stood still for a moment, thinking of a way to make it clear. "No story. There was nothing behind it."

"Sounds like regular old TV to me."

"No," he said. "Sometimes there's a story. Like today."

"You're right about that," she said, smiling at him. "A little something for the Daily News Daily News."