You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Part 11

In 1975, Chiquita president Eli Black left the company by leaping out the window of his forty-fourth-floor office in the Pan Am Building in New York. His replacement, upon taking the reins, was quoted as saying, "It's important that I don't get too knowledgeable about the past."

What's this "past" he didn't want to think about? Well, there was the ma.s.sacre of striking Colombian workers the company allegedly ordered in the twenties. But that was almost fifty years before. He was likely worried about more recent atrocities, like the CIA coup they'd orchestrated in the fifties. Yep, a freaking CIA coup. Orchestrated by a banana company.

The idea gets a lot less ridiculous, and way more depressing, when you know a few things: The head of the CIA in 1951, Allen Dulles, had been on the board of trustees of the United Fruit Company, which is what Chiquita was called in 1951. Around this time, Guatemala elected Jacobo arbenz to the presidency, and arbenz made the mistake of thinking that meant a d.a.m.n thing. His plan was to purchase a small portion of United Fruit's land and distribute it to poor Guatemalan peasants.

When arbenz hesitated to pay the company $16 million (its own internal doc.u.ments valued the land at half a million), United Fruit decided this was a reasonable point in the negotiation process to ask the CIA to intervene. And G.o.dd.a.m.n G.o.dd.a.m.n did they intervene, replacing the freely elected arbenz with a right-wing dictator and starting a G.o.dd.a.m.ned civil war. Guatemala's brief flirtation with democracy and prosperity was over, but, hey, it's not all bad. The civil war that resulted from the coup eventually ended. In 1996. did they intervene, replacing the freely elected arbenz with a right-wing dictator and starting a G.o.dd.a.m.ned civil war. Guatemala's brief flirtation with democracy and prosperity was over, but, hey, it's not all bad. The civil war that resulted from the coup eventually ended. In 1996.

4. NESTLe QUIK.

For any youngster who cringes at the thought of having to choke down a gla.s.s of plain milk with dinner, Nestle Quik is a little box of magic. One tablespoon of the powdery goodness can transform that gla.s.s of white nasty into a delectable cup of chocolaty awesome. Add to this the fact that every box is emblazoned with an adorable cartoon rabbit, and what you have is a certified childhood dream maker.

At least that's true for most kids-lazy, s.h.i.+ftless b.a.s.t.a.r.ds that they are. Some kids, on the other hand, have to work for their Nestle Quik. The majority of the world's cocoa supply comes from Africa's Ivory Coast, where child labor, trafficking, and (oh dear) slavery are not uncommon. But, hey, there's no way a corporation with such an adorable mascot would let that s.h.i.+t go down on its watch, right?

Well, after years of flying under the atrocity radar, word of the unspeakably harsh conditions on Ivory Coast cocoa plantations finally came out in 2001. In the face of an influx of negative publicity, Nestle valiantly leapt into inaction. After issuing public statements claiming it had no way of knowing who did what, where, or when, the company was finally forced to acknowledge the problem by an agricultural bill that would have created a federal system to certify and label chocolate products as "slave free."

Finding its hand forced, Nestle decided to nut up and make a claim it had no intention of following through on: to end forced labor on cocoa farms by 2005. Of course 2005 came and went with little or no change. According to Nestle, an escalating civil war in the Ivory Coast made it too dangerous to go in and save the children. Amazingly, its team of buyers, presumably a team of crack military commandos, has yet to have a problem getting the cocoa in and out of the region.

3. IAMS PET FOOD.

When PETA isn't being crazy and launching the only public-awareness campaign that people have m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed to, it's actually been known to do some good not related to celebrity nudity. In 2002, a PETA official went undercover at an Iams testing facility and found out that, in addition to pet food, IAMS is in the business of making budding serial killers look like the kid from La.s.sie La.s.sie.

In case you're (justifiably) suspicious of anything tofurkeycrazed PETA members tell you, they brought back video footage of the facility that you can find on the Internet if you're ever in the mood to have your day ruined.

You really don't want to read about the most horrifying things they found. Among the less nightmare-inducing tidbits were cats and dogs gone stir-crazy from constant confinement and an employee overheard talking about a live kitten that was accidentally washed down a drain. For you statistics geeks out there, one procedure performed at the Iams facility (seriously, you don't want to know) resulted in twenty-seven dogs being killed. Just one more record Michael Vick will never break.

When confronted with PETA's findings, Iams attempted to turn the tables, claiming the undercover PETA official was responsible for the various atrocities. A review of phone transcripts revealed the exact opposite. The PETA official actually tried to prevent animal cruelty. Iams officials acknowledged this to be the case. And then presumably drowned a bag of kittens out of frustration.

2. DOLE BANANAS.

Making their second appearance on the list, bananas are the standard-bearer when it comes to corporate atrocity. Following in the heinous footsteps of Chiquita, Dole has a long track record of bringing the pain to South American countries unlucky enough to grow their s.h.i.+t. And unlike most other companies on this list, Dole didn't even try to hide its h.e.l.l-raising ways. Kudos!

When several chemical workers became sterile, tests determined the cause to be a pesticide made at the plant where they worked, called DBCP. When tests revealed it caused liver, kidney, and lung damage, the Environmental Protection Agency banned its use in the United States. Proving themselves to be a paragon of cla.s.siness, Dole made note of the "in the United States" part of the ban and continued to use DBCP overseas. When Dow Chemical informed Dole of its concerns over the safety of DBCP, Dole did what any company concerned with the well-being of its employees would do. It advised Dow it would be in breach of its contract if it refused to provide DBCP and agreed to take any liability for the resulting damage it may cause.

A brave move, agreeing to take the liability-or at least it would be if Dole thought for a second that it would ever have to act on it. See, Dole knew about a legal doctrine that would allow it to force the cases to be tried in the impossibly corrupt courts of the plaintiff's home country, so when a bunch of Nicaraguan farm workers started getting sick, Dole calculated that it would cost less to pay off Nicaraguan courts than to stop using DBCP. When that plan failed and the banana workers started winning cases, Dole moved to plan B, plugging its ears and humming loudly. So far, despite court-ordered judgments favoring Nicaraguan banana workers totaling more than $400 million, the workers have yet to see a dime.

1. COCA-COLA.

The sweet bubbly deliciousness that is Coca-Cola has been a beacon of happiness for generations of kids and adults alike, even those who weren't around back when it was spiked with nose candy (see page 127). With all of this universal joy spreading, some people may be surprised to find that c.o.ke II isn't the only atrocity in the big red machine's closet.

If you work at one of the Coca-Cola bottling plants in Colombia, South America, dear G.o.d why? dear G.o.d why? There's a saying in Colombia that "union work is like carrying a tombstone on your back." If you spend too much time thinking about it, you'll realize that saying makes no d.a.m.n sense. Just trust that unions are generally frowned upon by the armed paramilitaries who rule the Colombian streets. There's a saying in Colombia that "union work is like carrying a tombstone on your back." If you spend too much time thinking about it, you'll realize that saying makes no d.a.m.n sense. Just trust that unions are generally frowned upon by the armed paramilitaries who rule the Colombian streets.

But it's not like the unions didn't have it coming. They're always asking for things like fair wages and humane conditions for their workers, both of which can hurt the bottom line of global corporations thinking about housing their factories there. This in turn means less money for the Colombian government. Fortunately for global corporations, the Colombian government is corrupt as h.e.l.l.

A great example of how economics works in Colombia is the Coca-Cola bottling plant in Carepa, where five union leaders were murdered between 1994 and 1996 alone. In the most publicized case (meaning not really publicized at all, unless you count the Internet, which you shouldn't), union executive board member Isidro Segundo Gil was murdered near the gates of the c.o.ke bottling plant by paramilitary thugs.

Of course, Coca-Cola denies the a.s.sa.s.sination had anything to do with their policies. It was probably just a coincidence that a union organizer who opposed management policies was gunned down! h.e.l.l, machine-gunning someone is probably considered a sign of respect in Colombia!

In 2004, then New York City councilman Hiram Monserrate a.s.sembled a fact-finding delegation to conduct an independent investigation on behalf of his strongly Latin American const.i.tuency. After meeting with c.o.ke officials, Monserrate's delegation travelled to Colombia and spoke with workers and eyewitnesses to the unfortunate machine-gun accidents that kept befalling unionized factory workers who opposed the bottling company's policies. After hearing both sides of the story, the delegation concluded that management had either looked the other way or actively employed paramilitary enforcers to murder union supporters.

The thing that seemed to push the delegation over the edge was the day after the murder, when eyewitnesses say the gunmen returned and forced workers to sign paperwork resigning their union members.h.i.+ps. For whatever reason, Monserrate's fact finding delegation also seemed to take issue with the fact that c.o.ke never bothered to conduct an investigation into a murder that was committed in a c.o.ke bottling plant and that conveniently helped c.o.ke's bottom line.

Of course, we can't say for sure that c.o.ke deserves any blame for Gil's murder. Those are just allegations, made against a giant corporation with way more lawyers than Cracked.com. So, really, you shouldn't a.s.sume anything. Like the old saying goes, "When you a.s.sume, you just make an a.s.s out of you and me and evil corporations that have rancid sucking wounds where their hearts should be."

FIVE CLa.s.sIC CARTOON CHARACTERS WITH TRAUMATIC CHILDHOODS.

SAt.u.r.dAY-MORNING cartoons offered children of the 1980s and '90s hilarious gags, flas.h.i.+ng colors, and lovable characters their age, some being brought up in environments so abusive they made even your c.r.a.ppy parents seem decent by comparison. Don't remember that last part? You must not have been paying attention to the plight of characters like . . . cartoons offered children of the 1980s and '90s hilarious gags, flas.h.i.+ng colors, and lovable characters their age, some being brought up in environments so abusive they made even your c.r.a.ppy parents seem decent by comparison. Don't remember that last part? You must not have been paying attention to the plight of characters like . . .

5. PENNY FROM INSPECTOR GADGET.

Legal guardian Inspector Gadget, the cyborg that would have resulted if RoboCop's accident had also made him r.e.t.a.r.ded.

Where are the parents?

In the world of cla.s.sic cartoons, roughly 80 percent of all children are orphans. This is important because it teaches young viewers that someday their parents will mysteriously disappear from their lives for no reason and never be mentioned again. Penny was Gadget's "niece," but she looks nothing like him and shares none of his baffling incompetence.

The horror Most episodes open with Gadget warning Penny that the mission he's about to go on is too dangerous for her (always after he's disposed of a clearly labeled explosive by carelessly tossing it in his employer's face). While these warnings might seem responsible to an outsider, Penny knows better. She has to go has to go. If she doesn't save his a.s.s from whatever malfunctioning machinery happens to spring out of it next, it's back to the orphanage.

When Gadget actually invites his niece to come along and match wits with a global terrorist (he does this multiple times), it's probably the most responsible thing he could do. At least she doesn't have to figure out a way to pay for airfare and travel to strange lands unaccompanied by a grown-up.

The gritty reboot of your childhood cartoons, starring a malnourished Dakota Fanning, Howard the Duck, and a real, terrified chipmunk.

Not that her uncle is an adult in any real sense of the word. Penny probably had to start childproofing their house as soon as she could walk. But he looks like one to outsiders, and for a twelve-year-old girl constantly traveling to foreign countries by herself, kidnappers and perverts must be a constant concern.

The missions are no picnic. It turns out there's a reason that real real detectives don't bring their kids along to investigate global terrorists. Penny is kidnapped dozens of times, and on one occasion has to be rescued from a machine designed to crush her to death. By her dog. detectives don't bring their kids along to investigate global terrorists. Penny is kidnapped dozens of times, and on one occasion has to be rescued from a machine designed to crush her to death. By her dog.

In fact, when you look at everything she goes through to continue living with her defective robot guardian, it becomes pretty clear what a G.o.dd.a.m.ned horror show cartoon orphanages must be. Which is bad news for . . .

4. HUEY, DEWEY, AND LOUIE.

Legal guardian First their uncle, Donald Duck, then when Donald joins the navy, their great-uncle Scrooge McDuck. Apparently when you're a duck, even if you're from the same family, your last name reflects whatever crude ethnic stereotype you represent.

Where are the parents?

According to volume 1, number 1, of Walt Disney's Comics Walt Disney's Comics, the boys "hospitalized their father when a prank involving firecrackers went wrong." Historically speaking, in cartoons explosions are about as effective as laws requiring the wearing of pants. So this was either one ma.s.sive b.i.t.c.h ma.s.sive b.i.t.c.h of an explosion, or the biological parents are just using it as an excuse to get away from their indistinguishable kids. Given the fact that the parents have never sought contact with them again, we're leaning toward the latter. of an explosion, or the biological parents are just using it as an excuse to get away from their indistinguishable kids. Given the fact that the parents have never sought contact with them again, we're leaning toward the latter.

The horror After being abandoned, they are left in the care of Uncle Donald, who's known for having anger-management problems. He in turn hands them off to a moneyed, distant relative four times their age who is generally thought to be an a.s.shole by everyone in his community. So they are abandoned twice over twice over before they even hit p.u.b.erty. before they even hit p.u.b.erty.

The sheer size of Scrooge's fortune, coupled with the lack of anyone their own age to socialize with, pretty much guarantees that Huey, Dewey, and Louie will grow up to become Duckberg's version of the Gotti children, a fate that anyone outside of the hair-gel industry can agree is worse than death itself.

3. THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES.

Legal guardian Master Splinter, if giant rats who live illegally in the sewers can indeed be considered "legal" anything.

Where are the parents?

Once normal turtles, the boys were transmogrified into hideous abominations after marinating in radioactive sludge, which means their parents are most likely still just normal turtles, eating wilted lettuce, scrabbling against gla.s.s walls, and humping one another for the amus.e.m.e.nt of YouTube viewers.

The horror The real villain here is Master Splinter. OK, also Shredder. But Splinter was once a disgraced human ninja, who immigrated to New York City and immediately took up residence in the sewers rather than trying to find housing. Once the turtles arrived and he was changed into a rat, he decided the best course of action was to teach his newly adopted sons to be a n.o.ble-if hilariously in-your-face-ninja fighting squad.

Let's go over that again the way the people from Child Protective Services would put it: Known soldier of fortune Hamato Yos.h.i.+ fled to the United States, likely to avoid arrest for one of his many murders. He evaded immigration authorities by living in the sewers, where he raised four young men from infancy. Throughout their upbringing, he kept them largely confined to the sewer system, fed them a steady diet of junk food, and brainwashed them into forming a code-named terrorist gang willing to enact violence on his behalf.

How Donatello ever learned to "do machines" in this environment remains a mystery.

2. KIT CLOUDKICKER FROM TALESPIN.

Legal guardian Rebecca Cunningham, owner of the Higher for Hire air-delivery business and most attractive bear on television outside of Zach Galifianakis.

Where are the parents?

Yep, another orphan. According to the show, Kit was raised by air pirates before meeting Baloo, the jocular drunk who encourages him to get towed behind airplanes while standing on a sheet of metal. If air pirates are anything like their waterborne brethren, Kit's backstory implies (a) that his parents were murdered in front of him and (b) that he's been routinely s.e.xually a.s.saulted (the sky, she is a lonely place).

The horror At first blush, Kit seems to have a shot at recovering from his deep emotional scars. He's been adopted into a nice family, headed by an educated, no-nonsense woman; just the type of s.e.xy bear lady a young tough needs to set some boundaries and turn his life around.

Unfortunately, he spends most of his time endangering his life with Baloo the flying DUI.

Also he lives in a town with only one way in or out: a tiny crack in a cliff face constantly being patrolled by the same murderous air pirates that slaughtered his parents. We have to imagine it's tough to mature into anything resembling a normal adult when your childhood is one long flashback to your parents being murdered and the filthy pirate s.e.x that robbed you of your innocence.

1. ALVIN, SIMON, AND THEODORE.

Legal guardian David Seville, a jingle-writing lifelong bachelor in his thirties, who for some reason lives in a four-bedroom house by himself.

Where are the parents?

The show gives no hints, but a.s.suming they're also talking chipmunks logic dictates that they're either squashed flat on the interstate somewhere or still in the woods wondering who the h.e.l.l kidnapped their beloved children.

The horror Dave illegally cares for three children (not his) and forces them to learn complicated song-and-dance numbers for his own profit. When they fail to perform to his impossible standards, he yells, "Alvin!" at them and makes them start over.

He's the ultimate weirdo stage dad.

Dave's been drinking again.

Naturally, the chipmunks are kept pantless, forced to clothe themselves in modified burlap sacks. The fact that Alvin, Simon, and Theodore never attempt to escape suggests that the entire show is an exercise in Stockholm syndrome, and the mere existence existence of the Chipettes implies an organized ring of abusive slave-parents exploiting their children for the good of the vast and powerful novelty-song industry. At least the Powerpuff Girls got superpowers. of the Chipettes implies an organized ring of abusive slave-parents exploiting their children for the good of the vast and powerful novelty-song industry. At least the Powerpuff Girls got superpowers.

FIVE CONSPIRACIES THAT NEARLY BROUGHT DOWN THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.

CONSPIRACY theorists rank alongside Scientologists and urine-soaked hobos as people you should generally not believe: 9/11 was not an inside job, vitamins don't cure everything, and that dog cannot read your thoughts. That said, it's not as if the concept of conspiracy is a purely fictional thing. In fact, there are five little-known conspiracies that manynon-urine-soaked individuals believe nearly brought down the United States of America. theorists rank alongside Scientologists and urine-soaked hobos as people you should generally not believe: 9/11 was not an inside job, vitamins don't cure everything, and that dog cannot read your thoughts. That said, it's not as if the concept of conspiracy is a purely fictional thing. In fact, there are five little-known conspiracies that manynon-urine-soaked individuals believe nearly brought down the United States of America.

5. THE LINCOLN a.s.sa.s.sINATION.

Remember when John Hinckley Jr. tried to a.s.sa.s.sinate Ronald Reagan? Imagine how weird it would have been if he actually succeeded and if, instead of being some crazy b.a.s.t.a.r.d who'd seen Taxi Driver Taxi Driver too many times, he'd been Robert De Niro. That's the WTF scenario Americans woke up to the morning after Abraham Lincoln was a.s.sa.s.sinated by John Wilkes Booth, one of the most famous and respected actors in the country. too many times, he'd been Robert De Niro. That's the WTF scenario Americans woke up to the morning after Abraham Lincoln was a.s.sa.s.sinated by John Wilkes Booth, one of the most famous and respected actors in the country.

The plot behind the a.s.sa.s.sination is also far stranger than your textbooks might have let on. They probably told you Booth was just a murderous lunatic with unknown motivations, rather than part of a far-reaching plan to overthrow the entire U.S. government that came terrifyingly close to succeeding.

Back then, the government was a much less stable system. If modern politics is a game of Jenga in which careful maneuvering is needed to alter even the smallest piece of legislation, then old-timey politics was also like a game of Jenga, except that it wasn't against the rules to just uppercut the whole d.a.m.n stack off the table and declare yourself winner for life.

Unhappy with the outcome of the Civil War, Booth hatched a simple plot: He and his coconspirators would murder the president, vice president, general-in-chief, and secretary of state simultaneously, toppling the U.S. government so the South could rise again. And if they'd pulled it off, no safeguards were yet in place to protect the sanct.i.ty of the administration. Historian Jay Winik is of the opinion that even a simultaneous a.s.sa.s.sination of the president and vice president would have done the trick. Luckily for the United States, murderers aren't that reliable: most of the a.s.sa.s.sins chickened out, except Booth and Lewis Powell, who went to Secretary of State William Seward's home and overdosed on stab crazy, perforating Seward, the Union general guarding him, his nurse, his children, a messenger, and probably any pets that Seward had. However, the joke was ultimately on Powell: Seward survived despite dozens of stab wounds because, as Teddy Roosevelt would later prove, politicians were mostly carved from wood back then, and nothing short of a forest fire could put one down.

4. THE BURR CONSPIRACY.

Aaron Burr is what is known in the political realm as a "total b.a.s.t.a.r.d." In 1800, he narrowly lost the presidential race to Thomas Jefferson, which he blamed on his political rival Alexander Hamilton and not not the aforementioned b.a.s.t.a.r.d issue. Due to the somewhat bizarre rules of the era's politics-more the aforementioned b.a.s.t.a.r.d issue. Due to the somewhat bizarre rules of the era's politics-more Thunderdome Thunderdome than than Primary Colors Primary Colors-coming in second made him the vice president, a position in which he served admirably right up until 1804, when he was informed that Jefferson was essentially firing him for his second term. Burr responded by running for governor of New York, losing, blaming Alexander Hamilton again, and then murdering him in public.

Some might consider going from being the nation's third vice president to unemployed murderer a bad year. Instead, Burr decided to embrace the supervillain role he was so clearly born to play. After murdering Hamilton, he set his sights high and began a decade-long plot with the endgame of-ready?-becoming king of the western United States. He began buying up most of Texas from the Spanish government and hiring a modest army of well-armed "farmers" to work it for him. When America went to war with Spain over the western territories, he planned to use his army to seize territory for himself. If you're thinking Burr was just a lunatic with delusions of grandeur, you should know that he had the commander in chief of the region's army and a young Andrew "c.r.a.ps Thunder and p.i.s.ses Murder" Jackson on his side. If the Spanish had gotten off their lazy a.s.ses to start the Spanish-American War thirty years earlier, Texas very well could have ended up as a monarchy with Burr its first king.

He was eventually arrested for conspiracy, but, despite the best efforts of Thomas Jefferson, he was never convicted. That's not altogether surprising since he also got off for Hamilton's murder despite having shot him in a public duel witnessed by some of Hamilton's best friends. We weren't kidding around about the b.a.s.t.a.r.d thing.

3. MR. BUCHANAN'S ADMINISTRATION If you think the power-crazed Burr was the highest a conspiracy ever got in the U.S. government, we'd like to introduce you to President Buchanan, who took office with one n.o.ble and lofty goal in mind: to deal with the slavery problem once and for all. It's just too bad his way of "dealing with it" was to legalize it nationwide.

Buchanan first tried to accomplish this by meddling in the landmark Supreme Court case of Dred Scott v. Sandford Dred Scott v. Sandford, which in 1857 set a precedent that all all persons of African descent were to be regarded as nonhumans and therefore property. With part A of Operation Worst G.o.dd.a.m.n President Ever accomplished, Buchanan moved on to aiding the South in its quest for secession. persons of African descent were to be regarded as nonhumans and therefore property. With part A of Operation Worst G.o.dd.a.m.n President Ever accomplished, Buchanan moved on to aiding the South in its quest for secession.

That's right, the president encouraged encouraged secession. While Confederate skirmishes raged on unchecked in the state of Kansas, Buchanan claimed that it was well beyond his ability to interfere in matters of secession-despite the fact that he'd just finished doing it to the Mormons in Utah. Due to his stalling, the Confederate army was able to arm itself with the stolen weaponry that made the Civil War possible. Hey, but at least he kept the Mormons from taking over Utah, right? secession. While Confederate skirmishes raged on unchecked in the state of Kansas, Buchanan claimed that it was well beyond his ability to interfere in matters of secession-despite the fact that he'd just finished doing it to the Mormons in Utah. Due to his stalling, the Confederate army was able to arm itself with the stolen weaponry that made the Civil War possible. Hey, but at least he kept the Mormons from taking over Utah, right?

2. OPERATION SNOW WHITE.

Sometime during the 1970s, the Church of Scientology decided its religion wasn't getting the respect it deserved. Instead of converting to a slightly less silly set of beliefs, it did what any reasonable alien-G.o.d-fearing American would: declared a covert war on the U.S. government.

The goal was basically to destroy every single sensitive doc.u.ment that made the religion look bad, in hopes that it would help in their prolonged war to become an officially recognized (as in tax-exempt) religion. The incredible scope of the plot came to light when two men were arrested trying to enter the U.S. Courthouse in Was.h.i.+ngton with fake IRS credentials. One of the men was sent to jail where he refused to talk, while the other, Michael J. Meisner, gave a fake name and disappeared.

According to Time Time, a year later Meisner "turned himself in, identified himself . . . and said he had just escaped from two months of 'house arrest' by cult members." He went on to describe how the church had planted employees in the IRS and Justice Department "for the express purpose of stealing doc.u.ments concerning investigations of Scientology." He also said they'd broken into the IRS and planted a bug in a conference room, and stolen mind-boggling amounts of sensitive information. After humoring what they must have a.s.sumed was just a crazier-than-average Scientologist, the FBI obtained search warrants, just in case, and conducted a raid on Scientology offices that confirmed every word of Meisner's account.

Scientology's crack commandos had wiretapped and burglarized various agencies and stolen hundreds of doc.u.ments, mainly from the IRS. In the end, 136 organizations, agencies, and foreign emba.s.sies were infiltrated. According to the Phoenix New Times Phoenix New Times, Operation Snow White was the largest infiltration of the U.S. government in history. Ever. Of the many thousand hostile governments and criminal organizations that have wanted to get their hands on sensitive U.S. intelligence, the people who actually managed to pull it off also believe that Battlefield Earth Battlefield Earth is a doc.u.mentary. is a doc.u.mentary.

It's impossible to say if the church was able to use information pilfered from the IRS toward its intended goal. But it's certainly strange that it didn't seem to hurt: In 1993 the IRS, the very organization it had freaking wiretapped less than fifteen years before, gave the Church of Scientology exactly what it was after, granting it recognition as an official religion. Toppling the U.S. government may not have been the stated goal, but of all the conspiracies on this list, Scientologists probably walked away from the ordeal with the most reason to believe that, should it ever become necessary, Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C., was as easy to take down as Grenada.

1. THE BUSINESS PLOT.

Notice how not-fascist America is right now? It's nice, right? Well, just a few decades ago there was a plan to end this whole democracy thing, and some pretty heavy players were involved.

In 1933, a group of wealthy businessmen, which allegedly included the heads of Chase Bank, GM, Goodyear, Standard Oil, and the Du Pont family, and Senator Prescott Bush tried to recruit Marine Corps major general Smedley Butler to lead a military coup against President Franklin Delano Roosevelt and install a fascist dictators.h.i.+p in the United States. And, yes, we're talking about the same Prescott Bush who fathered one U.S. president and was grandfather to another.

What went wrong? Well, as they say, never trust a man named Smedley to run your hostile military coup. Smedley was both a patriot and and a vocal FDR supporter. Apparently, none of these criminal masterminds noticed that their prospective point man had actively stumped for FDR in 1932. a vocal FDR supporter. Apparently, none of these criminal masterminds noticed that their prospective point man had actively stumped for FDR in 1932.

Smedley spilled the beans to a congressional committee in 1934. Everyone he accused of being a conspirator vehemently denied it, and none were brought up on criminal charges, presumably because the defendants were each independently wealthy enough to hire the Supreme Court as their legal representation. Still, the House's McCormack-d.i.c.kstein Committee deemed the general's testimony credible, before it was promptly swept under the rug of history (a gorgeous oriental number the people involved in the conspiracy paid for).

The lesson here? No matter how wealthy you are, you don't do business with guys named Smedley and you never p.i.s.s off a man named d.i.c.kstein.

FOUR TICKING TIME BOMBS IN NATURE MORE TERRIFYING (AND LIKELY) THAN THE ONES IN DISASTER MOVIES.

THE good news is that most of the spectacular natural disasters Hollywood and the mainstream media worry over are either exaggerated or totally made up. The bad news: nature is chock-full of ticking time bombs quietly waiting to turn the world into one of the scary books in the Bible, and you've probably never heard of any of them. good news is that most of the spectacular natural disasters Hollywood and the mainstream media worry over are either exaggerated or totally made up. The bad news: nature is chock-full of ticking time bombs quietly waiting to turn the world into one of the scary books in the Bible, and you've probably never heard of any of them.

4. DISASTER BY LAND!.

What they said to worry about: the San Andreas Fault You may remember when Lex Luthor tried to set the San Andreas to "coast disintegrating earthquake" mode in 1977's Superman Superman , or when it shook LA right off the continental shelf in the NBC miniseries , or when it shook LA right off the continental shelf in the NBC miniseries 10.5 10.5. There's even a geophysics professor who believes it will destroy LA sometime in the next decade with an earthquake he's creatively nicknamed "the Big One." While we're in no place to argue with a geophysics professor, or even know if that's a real profession, we can tell you Saint Andrew's not the guy you should be worried about.