The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 40

These short characters of his sermons were always written, excepting in this one instance, upon the first leaf of his sermon, which served as a cover to it; and usually upon the inside of it, which was turned towards the text;-but at the end of his discourse, where, perhaps, he had five or six pages, and sometimes, perhaps, a whole score to turn himself in,-he took a large circuit, and, indeed, a much more mettlesome one;-as if he had s.n.a.t.c.hed the occasion of unlacing himself with a few more frolicksome strokes at vice, than the straitness of the pulpit allowed.-These, though hussar-like, they skirmish lightly and out of all order, are still auxiliaries on the side of virtue;-tell me then, Mynheer Vander Blonederdondergewdenstronke, why they should not be printed together?

Chapter 3.LV.

When my uncle Toby had turned every thing into money, and settled all accounts betwixt the agent of the regiment and Le Fever, and betwixt Le Fever and all mankind,-there remained nothing more in my uncle Toby's hands, than an old regimental coat and a sword; so that my uncle Toby found little or no opposition from the world in taking administration. The coat my uncle Toby gave the corporal;-Wear it, Trim, said my uncle Toby, as long as it will hold together, for the sake of the poor lieutenant-And this,-said my uncle Toby, taking up the sword in his hand, and drawing it out of the scabbard as he spoke-and this, Le Fever, I'll save for thee,-'tis all the fortune, continued my uncle Toby, hanging it up upon a crook, and pointing to it,-'tis all the fortune, my dear Le Fever, which G.o.d has left thee; but if he has given thee a heart to fight thy way with it in the world,-and thou doest it like a man of honour,-'tis enough for us.

As soon as my uncle Toby had laid a foundation, and taught him to inscribe a regular polygon in a circle, he sent him to a public school, where, excepting Whitsontide and Christmas, at which times the corporal was punctually dispatched for him,-he remained to the spring of the year, seventeen; when the stories of the emperor's sending his army into Hungary against the Turks, kindling a spark of fire in his bosom, he left his Greek and Latin without leave, and throwing himself upon his knees before my uncle Toby, begged his father's sword, and my uncle Toby's leave along with it, to go and try his fortune under Eugene.-Twice did my uncle Toby forget his wound and cry out, Le Fever! I will go with thee, and thou shalt fight beside me-And twice he laid his hand upon his groin, and hung down his head in sorrow and disconsolation.-

My uncle Toby took down the sword from the crook, where it had hung untouched ever since the lieutenant's death, and delivered it to the corporal to brighten up;-and having detained Le Fever a single fortnight to equip him, and contract for his pa.s.sage to Leghorn,-he put the sword into his hand.-If thou art brave, Le Fever, said my uncle Toby, this will not fail thee,-but Fortune, said he (musing a little),-Fortune may-And if she does,-added my uncle Toby, embracing him, come back again to me, Le Fever, and we will shape thee another course.

The greatest injury could not have oppressed the heart of Le Fever more than my uncle Toby's paternal kindness;-he parted from my uncle Toby, as the best of sons from the best of fathers-both dropped tears-and as my uncle Toby gave him his last kiss, he slipped sixty guineas, tied up in an old purse of his father's, in which was his mother's ring, into his hand,-and bid G.o.d bless him.

Chapter 3.LVI.

Le Fever got up to the Imperial army just time enough to try what metal his sword was made of, at the defeat of the Turks before Belgrade; but a series of unmerited mischances had pursued him from that moment, and trod close upon his heels for four years together after; he had withstood these buffetings to the last, till sickness overtook him at Ma.r.s.eilles, from whence he wrote my uncle Toby word, he had lost his time, his services, his health, and, in short, every thing but his sword;-and was waiting for the first s.h.i.+p to return back to him.

As this letter came to hand about six weeks before Susannah's accident, Le Fever was hourly expected; and was uppermost in my uncle Toby's mind all the time my father was giving him and Yorick a description of what kind of a person he would chuse for a preceptor to me: but as my uncle Toby thought my father at first somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments he required, he forbore mentioning Le Fever's name,-till the character, by Yorick's inter-position, ending unexpectedly, in one, who should be gentle-tempered, and generous, and good, it impressed the image of Le Fever, and his interest, upon my uncle Toby so forcibly, he rose instantly off his chair; and laying down his pipe, in order to take hold of both my father's hands-I beg, brother Shandy, said my uncle Toby, I may recommend poor Le Fever's son to you-I beseech you do, added Yorick-He has a good heart, said my uncle Toby-And a brave one too, an' please your honour, said the corporal.

-The best hearts, Trim, are ever the bravest, replied my uncle Toby.-And the greatest cowards, an' please your honour, in our regiment, were the greatest rascals in it.-There was serjeant k.u.mber, and ensign-

-We'll talk of them, said my father, another time.

Chapter 3.LVII.

What a jovial and a merry world would this be, may it please your wors.h.i.+ps, but for that inextricable labyrinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, discontent, melancholy, large jointures, impositions, and lies!

Doctor Slop, like a son of a w..., as my father called him for it,-to exalt himself,-debased me to death,-and made ten thousand times more of Susannah's accident, than there was any grounds for; so that in a week's time, or less, it was in every body's mouth, That poor Master Shandy...entirely.-And Fame, who loves to double every thing,-in three days more, had sworn, positively she saw it,-and all the world, as usual, gave credit to her evidence-'That the nursery window had not only...;-but that.. .'s also.'

Could the world have been sued like a Body-Corporate,-my father had brought an action upon the case, and trounced it sufficiently; but to fall foul of individuals about it-as every soul who had mentioned the affair, did it with the greatest pity imaginable;-'twas like flying in the very face of his best friends:-And yet to acquiesce under the report, in silence-was to acknowledge it openly,-at least in the opinion of one half of the world; and to make a bustle again, in contradicting it,-was to confirm it as strongly in the opinion of the other half.-

-Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so hampered? said my father.

I would shew him publickly, said my uncle Toby, at the market cross.

-'Twill have no effect, said my father.

Chapter 3.LVIII.

-I'll put him, however, into breeches, said my father,-let the world say what it will.

Chapter 3.LIX.

There are a thousand resolutions, Sir, both in church and state, as well as in matters, Madam, of a more private concern;-which, though they have carried all the appearance in the world of being taken, and entered upon in a hasty, hare-brained, and unadvised manner, were, notwithstanding this, (and could you or I have got into the cabinet, or stood behind the curtain, we should have found it was so) weighed, poized, and perpended-argued upon-canva.s.sed through-entered into, and examined on all sides with so much coolness, that the G.o.ddess of Coolness herself (I do not take upon me to prove her existence) could neither have wished it, or done it better.

Of the number of these was my father's resolution of putting me into breeches; which, though determined at once,-in a kind of huff, and a defiance of all mankind, had, nevertheless, been pro'd and conn'd, and judicially talked over betwixt him and my mother about a month before, in two several beds of justice, which my father had held for that purpose. I shall explain the nature of these beds of justice in my next chapter; and in the chapter following that, you shall step with me, Madam, behind the curtain, only to hear in what kind of manner my father and my mother debated between themselves, this affair of the breeches,-from which you may form an idea, how they debated all lesser matters.

Chapter 3.LX.

The ancient Goths of Germany, who (the learned Cluverius is positive) were first seated in the country between the Vistula and the Oder, and who afterwards incorporated the Herculi, the Bugians, and some other Vandallick clans to 'em-had all of them a wise custom of debating every thing of importance to their state, twice, that is,-once drunk, and once sober:-Drunk-that their councils might not want vigour;-and sober-that they might not want discretion.

Now my father being entirely a water-drinker,-was a long time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the purpose;-and that was, when any difficult and momentous point was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its determination,-he fixed and set apart the first Sunday night in the month, and the Sat.u.r.day night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed with my mother: By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself,.. ..

These my father, humorously enough, called his beds of justice;-for from the two different counsels taken in these two different humours, a middle one was generally found out which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times.

I must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as well in literary discussions, as either in military or conjugal; but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the Goths and Vandals did it-or, if he can, may it be always for his body's health; and to do it, as my father did it,-am I sure it would be always for his soul's.

My way is this:-

In all nice and ticklish discussions,-(of which, heaven knows, there are but too many in my book)-where I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their wors.h.i.+ps or their reverences upon my back-I write one-half full,-and t'other fasting;-or write it all full,-and correct it fasting;-or write it fasting,-and correct it full, for they all come to the same thing:-So that with a less variation from my father's plan, than my father's from the Gothick-I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice,-and no way inferior to him in his second.-These different and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful mechanism of nature,-of which,-be her's the honour.-All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactory of the arts and sciences.-

Now, when I write full,-I write as if I was never to write fasting again as long as I live;-that is, I write free from the cares as well as the terrors of the world.-I count not the number of my scars,-nor does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye-corners to ante-date my stabs.-In a word, my pen takes its course; and I write on as much from the fulness of my heart, as my stomach.-

But when, an' please your honours, I indite fasting, 'tis a different history.-I pay the world all possible attention and respect,-and have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that under strapping virtue of discretion as the best of you.-So that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured Shandean book, which will do all your hearts good-

-And all your heads too,-provided you understand it.

Chapter 3.LXI.

We should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and s.h.i.+fting his pillow a little towards my mother's, as he opened the debate-We should begin to think, Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches.-

We should so,-said my mother.-We defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shamefully.-