The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 63

The measures were taken at once-and my uncle Toby and the corporal went on with theirs.

Now, quoth the corporal, setting his left hand a-kimbo, and giving such a flourish with his right, as just promised success-and no more-if your honour will give me leave to lay down the plan of this attack-

-Thou wilt please me by it, Trim, said my uncle Toby, exceedingly-and as I foresee thou must act in it as my aid de camp, here's a crown, corporal, to begin with, to steep thy commission.

Then, an' please your honour, said the corporal (making a bow first for his commission)-we will begin with getting your honour's laced clothes out of the great campaign-trunk, to be well air'd, and have the blue and gold taken up at the sleeves-and I'll put your white ramallie-wig fresh into pipes-and send for a taylor, to have your honour's thin scarlet breeches turn'd-

-I had better take the red plush ones, quoth my uncle Toby-They will be too clumsy-said the corporal.

Chapter 4.LIII.

-Thou wilt get a brush and a little chalk to my sword-'Twill be only in your honour's way, replied Trim.

Chapter 4.LIV.

-But your honour's two razors shall be new set-and I will get my Montero cap furbish'd up, and put on poor lieutenant Le Fever's regimental coat, which your honour gave me to wear for his sake-and as soon as your honour is clean shaved-and has got your clean s.h.i.+rt on, with your blue and gold, or your fine scarlet-sometimes one and sometimes t'other-and every thing is ready for the attack-we'll march up boldly, as if 'twas to the face of a bastion; and whilst your honour engages Mrs. Wadman in the parlour, to the right-I'll attack Mrs. Bridget in the kitchen, to the left; and having seiz'd the pa.s.s, I'll answer for it, said the corporal, snapping his fingers over his head-that the day is our own.

I wish I may but manage it right; said my uncle Toby-but I declare, corporal, I had rather march up to the very edge of a trench-

-A woman is quite a different thing-said the corporal.

-I suppose so, quoth my uncle Toby.

Chapter 4.LV.

If any thing in this world, which my father said, could have provoked my uncle Toby, during the time he was in love, it was the perverse use my father was always making of an expression of Hilarion the hermit; who, in speaking of his abstinence, his watchings, flagellations, and other instrumental parts of his religion-would say-tho' with more facetiousness than became an hermit-'That they were the means he used, to make his a.s.s (meaning his body) leave off kicking.'

It pleased my father well; it was not only a laconick way of expressing-but of libelling, at the same time, the desires and appet.i.tes of the lower part of us; so that for many years of my father's life, 'twas his constant mode of expression-he never used the word pa.s.sions once-but a.s.s always instead of them-So that he might be said truly, to have been upon the bones, or the back of his own a.s.s, or else of some other man's, during all that time.

I must here observe to you the difference betwixt My father's a.s.s and my hobby-horse-in order to keep characters as separate as may be, in our fancies as we go along.

For my hobby-horse, if you recollect a little, is no way a vicious beast; he has scarce one hair or lineament of the a.s.s about him-'Tis the sporting little filly-folly which carries you out for the present hour-a maggot, a b.u.t.terfly, a picture, a fiddlestick-an uncle Toby's siege-or an any thing, which a man makes a s.h.i.+ft to get a-stride on, to canter it away from the cares and solicitudes of life-'Tis as useful a beast as is in the whole creation-nor do I really see how the world could do without it-

-But for my father's a.s.s-oh! mount him-mount him-mount him-(that's three times, is it not?)-mount him not:-'tis a beast concupiscent-and foul befal the man, who does not hinder him from kicking.

Chapter 4.LVI.

Well! dear brother Toby, said my father, upon his first seeing him after he fell in love-and how goes it with your a.s.se?

Now my uncle Toby thinking more of the part where he had had the blister, than of Hilarion's metaphor-and our preconceptions having (you know) as great a power over the sounds of words as the shapes of things, he had imagined, that my father, who was not very ceremonious in his choice of words, had enquired after the part by its proper name: so notwithstanding my mother, doctor Slop, and Mr. Yorick, were sitting in the parlour, he thought it rather civil to conform to the term my father had made use of than not. When a man is hemm'd in by two indecorums, and must commit one of 'em-I always observe-let him chuse which he will, the world will blame him-so I should not be astonished if it blames my uncle Toby.

My A..e, quoth my uncle Toby, is much better-brother Shandy-My father had formed great expectations from his a.s.se in this onset; and would have brought him on again; but doctor Slop setting up an intemperate laugh-and my mother crying out L... bless us!-it drove my father's a.s.se off the field-and the laugh then becoming general-there was no bringing him back to the charge, for some time-

And so the discourse went on without him.

Every body, said my mother, says you are in love, brother Toby,-and we hope it is true.

I am as much in love, sister, I believe, replied my uncle Toby, as any man usually is-Humph! said my father-and when did you know it? quoth my mother-

-When the blister broke; replied my uncle Toby.

My uncle Toby's reply put my father into good temper-so he charg'd o' foot.

Chapter 4.LVII.

As the ancients agree, brother Toby, said my father, that there are two different and distinct kinds of love, according to the different parts which are affected by it-the Brain or Liver-I think when a man is in love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he is fallen into.

What signifies it, brother Shandy, replied my uncle Toby, which of the two it is, provided it will but make a man marry, and love his wife, and get a few children?

-A few children! cried my father, rising out of his chair, and looking full in my mother's face, as he forced his way betwixt her's and doctor Slop's-a few children! cried my father, repeating my uncle Toby's words as he walk'd to and fro-

-Not, my dear brother Toby, cried my father, recovering himself all at once, and coming close up to the back of my uncle Toby's chair-not that I should be sorry hadst thou a score-on the contrary, I should rejoice-and be as kind, Toby, to every one of them as a father-

My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to give my father's a squeeze-

-Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle Toby's hand-so much dost thou possess, my dear Toby, of the milk of human nature, and so little of its asperities-'tis piteous the world is not peopled by creatures which resemble thee; and was I an Asiatic monarch, added my father, heating himself with his new project-I would oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strength-or dry up thy radical moisture too fast-or weaken thy memory or fancy, brother Toby, which these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do-else, dear Toby, I would procure thee the most beautiful woman in my empire, and I would oblige thee, nolens, volens, to beget for me one subject every month-

As my father p.r.o.nounced the last word of the sentence-my mother took a pinch of snuff.

Now I would not, quoth my uncle Toby, get a child, nolens, volens, that is, whether I would or no, to please the greatest prince upon earth-

-And 'twould be cruel in me, brother Toby, to compel thee; said my father-but 'tis a case put to shew thee, that it is not thy begetting a child-in case thou should'st be able-but the system of Love and Marriage thou goest upon, which I would set thee right in-

There is at least, said Yorick, a great deal of reason and plain sense in captain Shandy's opinion of love; and 'tis amongst the ill-spent hours of my life, which I have to answer for, that I have read so many flouris.h.i.+ng poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I never could extract so much-I wish, Yorick, said my father, you had read Plato; for there you would have learnt that there are two Loves-I know there were two Religions, replied Yorick, amongst the ancients-one-for the vulgar, and another for the learned;-but I think One Love might have served both of them very well-

I could not; replied my father-and for the same reasons: for of these Loves, according to Ficinus's comment upon Velasius, the one is rational-

-the other is natural-the first ancient-without mother-where Venus had nothing to do: the second, begotten of Jupiter and Dione-