The School for Scandal Part 18

LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the consciousness of my own Innocence----

SURFACE. Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you-- what is it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions-- why the consciousness of your own Innocence--

LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.

SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humour and agree with your Husband.

LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so--

SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health--

LADY TEAZLE. So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my Reputation.--

SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[.]

LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest Receipt for avoiding calumny.

SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be paid for--

LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----

SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it--

LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the Argument? [Rises.]

SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still remain with you.

LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you, that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.

SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----

Enter SERVANT

Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?

SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir Peter to come up without announcing him?

SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!

LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!

SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.

LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick.-- Oh! mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever I'm so imprudent again---- [Goes behind the screen--]

SURFACE. Give me that--Book!----

[Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]

Enter SIR PETER

SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself!--Mr. Surface--

SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and throws away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well--I am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't been here I believe since I fitted up this Room--Books you know are the only Things I am a c.o.xcomb in--

SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper-- and you make even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung I perceive with Maps--

SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen.

SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find out anything in a Hurry.

SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either--

SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone--

SURFACE. You needn't stay.

SERVANT. No--Sir---- [Exit SERVANT.]

SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg----

SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point of the greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend-- Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made me very unhappy.

SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it--

SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she must have formed an attachment to another.

SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.

SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd the Person.

SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly!

SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.--

SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me just as much as it would you--

SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have a Friend whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets-- but have you no guess who I mean?

SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be Sir Benjamin Backbite.

SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles?

SURFACE. My Brother--impossible!--O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit the scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure has been charged with many things but go I can never think He would meditate so gross an injury--

SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart misleads you--you judge of others by yourself.

SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.--