The School for Scandal Part 29

SIR PETER. Hey!--what the Plague--are you ashamed of having done a right thing once in your life?

SNAKE. Ah: Sir--consider I live by the Badness of my Character!-- I have nothing but my Infamy to depend on!--and, if it were once known that I had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose every Friend I have in the world.

SIR OLIVER. Well--well we'll not traduce you by saying anything to your Praise never fear.

[Exit SNAKE.]

SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue--Yet that fellow is a Writer and a Critic.

LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now to reconcile your Nephew and Maria--

SIR OLIVER. Aye--aye--that's as it should be and egad we'll have the wedding to-morrow morning--

CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!

SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first--

CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time--above a minute ago-- nd She has look'd yes--

MARIA. For Shame--Charles--I protest Sir Peter, there has not been a word----

SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better--may your love for each other never know--abatement.

SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and I--intend to do--

CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend--I am sure you congratulate me and I suspect too that I owe you much.

SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles--

ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have been in my debt for the attempt--but deserve to be happy--and you over-repay me.

SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.

CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises-- and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it-- But here shall be my Monitor--my gentle Guide.--ah! can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes illumine?

Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway, --Thou still must Rule--because I will obey: An humbled fugitive from Folly View, No sanctuary near but Love and YOU: You can indeed each anxious Fear remove, For even Scandal dies if you approve. [To the audience.]

EPILOGUE

BY MR. COLMAN

SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE

I, who was late so volatile and gay, Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way, Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows, To one dull rusty weatherc.o.c.k--my spouse!

So wills our virtuous bard--the motley Bayes Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!

Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives, Learn from our play to regulate your lives: Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her-- London will prove the very source of honour.

Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves, When principles relax, to brace the nerves: Such is my case; and yet I must deplore That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er.

And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife, Born with a genius for the highest life, Like me untimely blasted in her bloom, Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom?

Save money--when I just knew how to waste it!

Leave London--just as I began to taste it!

Must I then watch the early crowing c.o.c.k, The melancholy ticking of a clock; In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded, With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded?

With humble curate can I now retire, (While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,) And at backgammon mortify my soul, That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole?

Seven's the main! Dear sound that must expire, Lost at hot c.o.c.kles round a Christmas fire; The transient hour of fas.h.i.+on too soon spent, Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content!

Farewell the plumed head, the cus.h.i.+on'd tete, That takes the cus.h.i.+on from its proper seat!

That spirit-stirring drum!--card drums I mean, Spadille--odd trick--pam--basto--king and queen!

And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat, The welcome visitors' approach denote; Farewell all quality of high renown, Pride, pomp, and circ.u.mstance of glorious town!

Farewell! your revels I partake no more, And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er!

All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear, I ought to play deep tragedy next year.

Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play, And in these solemn periods stalk'd away:--- "Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd, And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd!

No more in vice or error to engage, Or play the fool at large on life's great stage."

<1> This PORTRAIT and Garrick's PROLOGUE are not included in Fraser Rae's text.

<2> From Sheridan's ma.n.u.script.

<3> The story in Act I. Scene I., told by Crabtree about Miss Let.i.tia Piper, is repeated here, the speaker being Sir Peter:

SIR PETER. O nine out of ten malicious inventions are founded on some ridiculous misrepresentation--Mrs. Candour you remember how poor Miss Shepherd lost her Lover and her Character one Summer at Tunbridge.

MRS. C. To be sure that was a very ridiculous affair.

CRABTREE. Pray tell us Sir Peter how it was.

SIR P. Why madam--[The story follows.]

MRS. C. Ha ha strange indeed--

SIR P. Matter of Fact I a.s.sure you....

LADY T. As sure as can be--Sir Peter will grow scandalous himself--if you encourage him to tell stories.

[Fraser Rae's footnote--Ed.]

<4> The words which follow this t.i.tle are not inserted in the ma.n.u.script of the play. [Fraser Rae's footnote.--Ed.]

<5> From this place to Scene ii. Act IV. several sheets are missing.

[Fraser Rae's footnote.--Ed.]