The School for Scandal Part 7

SIR BENJAMIN. Complexion of a Spaniard----

CRABTREE. And Teeth a la Chinoise----

SIR BENJAMIN. In short, her Face resembles a table d'hote at Spa-- where no two guests are of a nation----

CRABTREE. Or a Congress at the close of a general War--wherein all the members even to her eyes appear to have a different interest and her Nose and Chin are the only Parties likely to join issue.

MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Mercy on my Life[!] a Person they dine with twice a week!

[Aside.]

LADY SNEERWELL. Go--go--you are a couple of provoking Toads.

MRS. CANDOUR. Nay but I vow you shall not carry the Laugh off so-- for give me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle----

SIR PETER. Madam--madam--I beg your Pardon--there's no stopping these good Gentlemen's Tongues--but when I tell you Mrs. Candour that the Lady they are abusing is a particular Friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her Part.

LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter--but you are a cruel creature--too Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and too peevish to allow wit in others.

SIR PETER. Ah Madam true wit is more nearly allow'd [allied?]

to good Nature than your Ladys.h.i.+p is aware of.

LADY SNEERWELL. True Sir Peter--I believe they are so near akin that they can never be united.

SIR BENJAMIN. O rather Madam suppose them man and wife because one seldom sees them together.

LADY TEAZLE. But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe He would have it put down by Parliament.

SIR PETER. 'Fore heaven! Madam, if they were to consider the Sporting with Reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors-- and pa.s.s an Act for the Preservation of Fame--there are many would thank them for the Bill.

LADY SNEERWELL. O Lud! Sir Peter would you deprive us of our Privileges--

SIR PETER. Aye Madam--and then no person should be permitted to kill characters or run down reputations, but qualified old Maids and disappointed Widows.--

LADY SNEERWELL. Go, you monster--

MRS. CANDOUR. But sure you would not be quite so severe on those who only report what they hear?

SIR PETER. Yes Madam, I would have Law Merchant for that too-- and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the Drawer of the Lie was not to be found, the injured Party should have a right to come on any of the indorsers.

CRABTREE. Well for my Part I believe there never was a Scandalous Tale without some foundation.<3>

LADY SNEERWELL. Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next Room?

Enter SERVANT, whispers SIR PETER

SIR PETER. I'll be with them directly.-- [Exit SERVANT.]

I'll get away unperceived.

LADY SNEERWELL. Sir Peter you are not leaving us?

SIR PETER. Your Ladys.h.i.+p must excuse me--I'm called away by particular Business--but I leave my Character behind me-- [Exit.]

SIR BENJAMIN. Well certainly Lady Teazle that lord of yours is a strange being--I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh heartily if He wern't your Husband.

LADY TEAZLE. O pray don't mind that--come do let's hear 'em.

[join the rest of the Company going into the Next Room.]

SURFACE. Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society.

MARIA. How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us be the province of wit or Humour, Heaven grant me a double Portion of Dullness--

SURFACE. Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are--they have no malice at heart--

MARIA. Then is their conduct still more contemptible[;] for in my opinion--nothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues but a natural and ungovernable bitterness of Mind.

SURFACE. Undoubtedly Madam--and it has always been a sentiment of mine--that to propagate a malicious Truth wantonly--is more despicable than to falsify from Revenge, but can you Maria feel thus [f]or others and be unkind to me alone--nay is hope to be denied the tenderest Pa.s.sion.--

MARIA. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject--

SURFACE. Ah! Maria! you would not treat me thus and oppose your guardian's Sir Peter's wishes--but that I see that my Profligate Brother is still a favour'd Rival.

MARIA. Ungenerously urged--but whatever my sentiments of that unfortunate young man are, be a.s.sured I shall not feel more bound to give him up because his Distresses have sunk him so low as to deprive him of the regard even of a Brother.

SURFACE. Nay but Maria do not leave me with a Frown--by all that's honest, I swear----Gad's Life here's Lady Teazle--you must not-- no you shall--for tho' I have the greatest Regard for Lady Teazle----

MARIA. Lady Teazle!

SURFACE. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect----

[Enter LADY TEAZLE, and comes forward]

LADY TEAZLE. What's this, Pray--do you take her for me!--Child you are wanted in the next Room.--What's all this, pray--

SURFACE. O the most unlucky circ.u.mstance in Nature. Maria has somehow suspected the tender concern I have for your happiness, and threaten'd to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicions--and I was just endeavouring to reason with her when you came.

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed but you seem'd to adopt--a very tender mode of reasoning--do you usually argue on your knees?

SURFACE. O she's a Child--and I thought a little Bombast---- but Lady Teazle when are you to give me your judgment on my Library as you promised----

LADY TEAZLE. No--no I begin to think it would be imprudent-- and you know I admit you as a Lover no farther than Fas.h.i.+on requires.

SURFACE. True--a mere Platonic Cicisbeo, what every London wife is ent.i.tled to.

LADY TEAZLE. Certainly one must not be out of the Fas.h.i.+on--however, I have so much of my country Prejudices left--that--though Sir Peter's ill humour may vex me ever so, it never shall provoke me to----

SURFACE. The only revenge in your Power--well I applaud your moderation.