The Adventurous Simplicissimus being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim Part 12

By right and custom the captain could take and inherit the man's horse and musquet and the general all else that he left: but since I was a lively, well-set-up lad, and gave hopes that in time I should not fear any man, it was offered me to take all, if only I would take the place of my dead master. And that I undertook the more readily because I knew my master had left a pretty number of ducats sewn into his old breeches, which he had raked together in his lifetime: and when in the process of things I must give in my name--namely, Simplicius Simplicissimus--and the muster-clerk (which was named Cyriack) could not write it down aright, says he, "There is no devil in h.e.l.l with such a name." Thereon I asked him quickly, "Was there one there named Cyriack?" and clever as he thought himself, that he would not answer: and that pleased my captain so that from thenceforward he thought well of me.

_Chap. x.x.x._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CARRIED HIMSELF WHEN HE BEGAN TO LEARN THE TRADE OF WAR: WHEREFROM A YOUNG SOLDIER MAY LEARN SOMEWHAT

Now the commandant in Soest needed a lad in his stables, of the kind that I seemed to him to be, and for that reason he was not well pleased that I had turned soldier, but would try to have me yet: to that end he made a pretence of my youth and that I could not yet pa.s.s for a man: and having set this forth to my master, he sends to me and says he, "Harkye, little huntsman, thou shalt be my servant." So I asked what would my duties be: to which he answered I should help to tend his horses. "No, sir," quoth I, "we are not for one another: I would rather have a master in whose service the horses should tend me: but seeing that I can find none such, I will sooner remain a soldier." "Thy beard," says he, "is yet too small." "No, no," said I, "I will wager I can encounter any man of eighty years: a beard never yet killed a man, or goats would be in high esteem." "Oho!" says he, "if thy courage be as high as thy wit, I will let thee pa.s.s for a soldier." I answered, "That can be tried upon the next occasion," and therewithal I gave him to understand I would not be used as a groom. So he left me as I was, and said the proof of the pudding was in the eating.

So now I betook myself to my old dragoon's old breeches, and having dissected them, I recovered out of their entrails a good soldier's horse and the best musquet I could find: and all must for me be as bright as looking-gla.s.s. Then I bought a new suit of green clothes: for this name of the "huntsman" suited well with my fancy: and my old suit I gave to my lad; for 'twas too small for me. And so could I ride on mine own account like a young n.o.bleman, and thought no small beer of myself. Yea, I made so bold as to deck my hat with a great plume like an officer: and with that I raised up for myself enviers and mislikers: and betwixt them and me were presently hot words and at last even buffets. Yet hardly had I proved to one or two that same science which I had learned in Paradise of the good furrier, when behold, not only would all leave me in peace but would have my friends.h.i.+p moreover.

Besides all this, I was ever ready to give my service for all expeditions on foot or on horseback: for I was a good rider and quicker on foot than most, and when it came to dealing with the enemy I must charge forward as for mere pleasure and ever be in the front rank. So was I in brief time known both among friends and foes, and so famous that both parties thought much of me, seeing that the most dangerous attacks were entrusted to me to carry out, and to that end whole detachments put under my command. And now I began to steal like any Bohemian, and if I made any capture of value, I would give my officers so rich a share thereof that 'twas allowed me to play my tricks on forbidden ground, for whatever I did I was supported. General Count Gotz had left remaining in Westphalia three enemy's garrisons--to wit, in Dorsten, in Lippstadt, and in Coesfeld: and all these three I mightily plagued! for I was before their gates, now here, now there, one day here and one day there, no less, and snapped up many a good prize, and because I ever escaped the folk came to believe of me I could make myself invisible and was as proof as iron or steel. So now was I feared like the plague itself, so that thirty men of the enemy would not be shamed to flee before me if they did but know I was in their neighbourhood with fifteen. And at last it came to this: that where a contribution must be levied from a place, I was the man for that: and my plunder from that became as great as my fame. Mine officers and comrades loved their little huntsman: the chief partisans of the opposite side were terrified, and by fear and love I kept the countrymen on my side: for I knew how to punish my opposers, and them that did me the smallest service richly to repay: insomuch that I spent wellnigh the half of my booty in paying of my spies. And for that reason there went no reconnaissance, no convoy, no expedition out from the adversary whose departure was not made known to me: whereupon I laid my plans and founded my projects, and because I commonly brought the same to good effect by the help of good luck, all were astonished: and that chiefly at my youthful age: so that even many officers and good soldiers of the other party much desired to see me. To this must be added that I ever shewed myself courteous to my prisoners, so that they often cost me more than my booty was worth, and whensoever I could shew a courtesy to any of the adversary, and specially to any officer, without injury to my duty and to my allegiance to my master, I neglected it not. And by such behaviour I had surely been presently forwarded to the rank of officer, had not my youth hindered that: for whosoever, at the age wherein I then was, would be an ensign, must be of n.o.ble birth: besides, my captain could not promote me; for there were no vacancies in his own company and he would not let me go to another: for so would he have lost in me a milch-cow and more too. So must I be and remain a corporal. Yet this honour, which I had gained over the heads of old soldiers, though 'twas but a small thing, yet this and the praise which daily I received were to me as spurs to urge me on to better things. And day and night I dreamed only of fresh plans to make myself greater: nay, I could not sleep by reason of such foolish phantasies. And because I saw that I wanted an opportunity to shew the courage which I felt in me, it vexed me that I could not every day have the chance to meet the adversary in arms and try the result.

So then I wished the Trojan war back again, or such a siege as was at Ostende,[20] and fool as I was, I never thought that a pitcher goes to the well till it breaks: and that also is true of a young soldier and a foolish, when he hath but money and luck and courage: thereupon follow haughtiness and pride: and by reason of that pride I hired, in place of one footboy, two serving-men, whom I equipped well and horsed them well, and so gained the envy of all the officers.

_Chap. x.x.xi._: HOW THE DEVIL STOLE THE PARSON'S BACON AND HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT HIMSELF

Now must I tell you a story or two of things that happened to me before I left the dragoons: and though they are trifling, yet are they amusing to be heard: for I undertook not only great things, but despised not also small affairs, if only I could be a.s.sured that thereby I should get reputation among the people.

Now my captain was ordered, with fifty odd men on foot, to Schloss Recklinghausen, and there to carry out a certain design: and as we thought that before the plan could be carried out we had best hide ourselves a day or two in the woods, each took with him provision for a week. But inasmuch as the rich convoy we waited for came not at the appointed time, our food gave out: and we dared not to steal, for so had we betrayed ourselves and caused our plan to come to nothing: and so hunger pressed us sore: moreover, I had in that quarter no good friends (as elsewhere) to bring me and my men food in secret. And therefore must we devise other means to line our bellies if we would not go home empty. My comrade, a journeyman Latinist who had but lately run from school and enlisted, sighed in vain for the barley soup which beforetime his parents had served up for his delight, and which he had despised and left untasted: and as he thought on those meals of old, so he remembered his school satchel, beside which he had eaten them.

"Ah, brother;" says he to me, "is't not a shame that I have not learned arts enough to fill my belly now. Brother, I know, _re vera_, if I could but get to the parson in that village, 'twould provide me with an excellent convivium." So I pondered on that word awhile and considered our condition, and because they that knew the country might not leave the ambush (for they had surely been recognised) while those that were unknown to the people knew of no chance to steal or buy in secret, I founded my plan on our student and laid the thing before our captain.

And though 'twas dangerous for him also, yet was his trust in me so great, and our plight so evil, that he consented. So I changed clothes with another man, and with my student I shogged off to the said village and that by a wide circuit, though it lay but half an hour from us: and coming thither we forthwith knew the house next the church to be the priest's abode; for 'twas built town-fas.h.i.+on and ab.u.t.ted on the wall that surrounded the whole glebe. Now I had already taught my comrade what he should say: for he had yet his worn-out old student's cloak on him: but I gave myself out for a journeyman painter, as thinking I could not well be called upon to exercise that art in the village; for farmers do not often have their houses decorated.

The good divine was civil, and when my comrade had made him a deep Latin reverence and told lies in great abundance to him, as how the soldiers had plundered him on his road and robbed him of all his journey-money, he offered him a piece of bread and b.u.t.ter and a draught of beer. But I made as though I belonged not to him, and said I would eat a snack in the inn and then call for him, that we might ere the day was spent come somewhat further on our way together. And to the inn I went, yet more to espy what I could fetch away that night than to appease mine hunger, and had also the luck on the way to find a peasant plastering up of his oven, in which he had great loaves of rye-bread, that should sit there and bake for four-and-twenty hours. With the innkeeper I did little business: for now I knew where bread was to be had: yet bought a few loaves of white bread for our captain, and when I came to the parsonage to warn my comrade to go, he had already had his fill, and had told the priest I was a painter and was minded to journey to Holland, there to perfect my art. So the good man bade me welcome and begged me to go into the church with him, for he would shew me some pieces there that needed repair. And not to spoil the play, I must follow. So he took me through the kitchen, and as he opened the lock in the strong oaken door that led to the churchyard, O mirum! there I saw that the black heaven above was dark with lutes, flutes, and fiddles, meaning the hams, smoked sausages, and sides of bacon that hung in the chimney; at which I looked with content, for it seemed as if they smiled at me, and I wished, but in vain, to have them for my comrades in the wood: yet they were so obstinate as to hang where they were.

Then pondered I upon the means how I could couple them with the said oven full of bread, yet could not easily devise such, for, as aforesaid, the parson's yard was walled round and all windows sufficiently guarded with iron bars. Furthermore there lay two monstrous great dogs in the courtyard which, as I feared, would of a surety not sleep by night if any would steal that whereon 'twas the reward of their faithful guardians.h.i.+p to feed by day. So now when we came into the church and talked of the pictures, and the priest would hire me to mend this and that, and I sought for excuses and pleaded my journey, says the sacristan or bellringer, "Fellow," says he, "I take thee rather for a runaway soldier than a painter." To such rough talk I was no longer used, yet must put up with it: still I shook my head a little and answered him, "Fellow, give me but a brush and colours, and in a wink I will have thee painted for the fool thou art." Whereat the priest laughed, yet said to us both, 'twas not fitting to wrangle in so holy a place: with that I perceived he believed us both, both me and my student; so he gave us yet another draught and let us go. But my heart I left behind among the smoked sausages.

Before nightfall we came to our companions, where I took my clothes and arms again, told the captain my story, and chose out six stout fellows to bring the bread home. At midnight we came to the village and took the bread out of the oven: for we had a man among us that could charm dogs; and when we were to pa.s.s by the parsonage, I found it not in my heart to go further without bacon. In a word, I stood still and considered deeply whether 'twere not possible to come into the priest's kitchen, yet could find no other way but the chimney, which for this turn must be my door. The bread and our arms we took into the churchyard and into the bone-house, and fetched a ladder and rope from a shed close by. Now I could go up and down chimneys as well as any chimney-sweep (for that I had learned in my youth in the hollow trees), so on to the roof I climbed with one other, which roof was covered with a double ceiling and a hollow between, and therefore convenient for my purpose. So I twisted my long hair into a bunch on my head, and lowered myself down with an end of the rope to my beloved bacon, and fastened one ham after another and one flitch after another to the rope which my comrade on the roof most regularly hauled up and gave to the others to carry to the bonehouse. But alack and well-a-day! Even as I shut my shop and would out again a rafter broke under me, and poor Simplicissimus tumbled down and the miserable huntsman found himself caught as in a mouse-trap: 'tis true, my comrades on the roof let down the rope to draw me up: but it broke before they could lift me from the ground. And, "Now huntsman," thought I, "thou must abide a hunt in which thy hide will be as torn as was Actaeon's," for the priest was awakened by my fall and bade his cook forthwith to kindle a light: who came in her nightdress into the kitchen with her gown hanging on her shoulders and stood so near me that she almost touched me: then she took up an ember, held the light to it, and began to blow: yet I blew harder, which so affrighted the good creature that she let both fire and candle fall and ran to her master. So I gained time to consider by what means I could help myself out: yet found I none.

Now my comrades gave me to understand through the chimney they would break the house open and have me forth: that would I not have, but bade them to look to their arms and leave only my especial comrade on the roof, and wait to see if I could not get away without noise and disturbance, lest our ambush should be frustrated: but if it could not be so, then might they do their best. Meanwhile the good priest himself struck a light; while his cook told him a fearful spectre was in the kitchen who had two heads (for she had seen my hair in a bunch on my head and had mistook it for a second head). All this I heard, and accordingly smeared my face and arms with my hands, which were full of ashes, soot, and cinders, so vilely that without question I no longer could be likened to an angel, as those holy maidens in Paradise had likened me: and that same sacristan, had he but seen me, would have granted me this, that I was a quick painter. And now I began to rattle round in the kitchen in fearful wise, and to throw the pots and pans about: and the kettle-ring coming to my hand, I hung it round my neck, and the fire-hook I kept in my hand to defend myself in case of need.

All which dismayed not that good priest: for he came in procession with his cook, who bore two wax-lights in her hands and a holy-water stoup on her arm, he himself being vested in his surplice and stole, with the sprinkler in one hand and a book in the other, out of which he began to exorcise me and to ask who I was and what I did there. So as he took me to be the devil, I thought 'twas but fair I should play the devil's part as the Father of Lies, and so answered, "I am the Devil, and will wring thy neck and thy cook's too." Yet he went on with his conjuring and bade me take note I had no concern with him nor his cook; yea, and commanded me under the most solemn adjuration that I should depart to the place whence I had come. To which I answered with a horrible voice, that 'twas impossible even if I would. Meanwhile my comrade on the roof, which was an arch-rogue and knew his Latin well, had his part to play: for when he heard what time of day 'twas in the kitchen, he hooted like an owl, he barked like a dog, he neighed like a horse, he bleated like a goat, he brayed like an a.s.s, and made himself heard down the chimney like a whole crew of cats bucking in February, and then again like a clucking hen: for the fellow could imitate any beasts' cry and, when he would, could howl as naturally as if a whole pack of wolves were there. And this terrified the priest and his cook more than anything: yet was my conscience sore to suffer myself to be abjured as the devil; for he truly took me for such as having read or heard that the devil loved to appear clad in green.

Now in the midst of these doubts, which troubled both parties alike, I was aware by good luck that the key in the lock of the door that led to the churchyard was not turned, but only the bolt shot: so I speedily drew it back and whipped out of the door into the churchyard, where I found my comrades standing with their musquets c.o.c.ked, and left the parson to conjure devils as long as he would. So when my comrade had brought my hat down from the roof, and we had packed up our provands, we went off to our fellows, having no further business in the village save that we should have returned the borrowed ladder and rope to their owners.

With our stolen food the whole party refreshed themselves, and all had cause enough to laugh over my adventure: only the student could not stomach it that I should rob the priest that had so n.o.bly filled his belly, yea, he swore loud and long he would fain pay him for his bacon, had he but the means at hand; and yet ate of it as heartily as if he were hired for the business. So we lay in our ambush two days longer and waited for the convoy we had so long looked for; where we lost no single man in the attack, yet captured over thirty prisoners and as splendid booty as ever I did help to divide: and I had a double share because I had done best: and that was three fine Friesland stallions laden with as much merchandise as we could carry off in our haste; and had we had time to examine the booty and to bring it to a place of safety, each for his own part would have been rich enough: but we had to leave more on the spot than we bore off, for we must hurry away with all speed, taking what we could carry: and for greater safety we betook ourselves to Rehnen, and there we baited and shared the booty: for there lay our main body.

And there I thought again on the priest, whose bacon I had stolen: and now may the reader think what a misguided, wanton, and overweening spirit was mine, when it was not enough for me to have robbed and terrified that pious man, but I must claim honour for it. To that end I took a sapphire set in a gold ring, which I had picked up on that same plundering expedition, and sent it from Rehnen to my priest by a sure hand with this letter: "Reverend Sir,--Had I but in these last days had aught in the wood to eat and so to live, I had had no cause to steal your reverence's bacon, in which matter 'tis likely you were terrified.

I swear by all that is holy that such affright was against my will, and so the more do I hope for forgiveness. As concerning the bacon itself, 'tis but just it should be paid for, and therefore in place of money I send this present ring, given by those for whose behoof your goods must needs be taken, and beg your reverence will be pleased to accept the same: and add thereto that he will always find on all occasions an obedient and faithful servant in him whom his sacristan took to be no painter and who is otherwise known as 'The Huntsman.'"

But to the peasant whose oven they had emptied, the party sent out of the general booty sixteen rix-dollars: for I had taught them that in such wise they must bring the country-folk on their side, seeing that such could often help a party out of great difficulties or betray such another party and bring all to the gallows. From Rehnen we marched to Munster and thence to Ham, and so home to Soest to our headquarters, where I after some days received an answer from his reverence, as follows: "n.o.ble Huntsman,--If he from whom you stole the bacon had known that you would appear to him in devilish guise, he had not so often wished to behold the notorious huntsman. But even as the borrowed meat and bread have been far too dearly paid for, so also is the fright inflicted the easier to forgive, especially because 'twas caused (against his will) by so famous a person, who is hereby forgiven, with the request that he will once more visit without fear him who fears not to conjure the devil.--Vale."

And so did I everywhere, and gained much fame: yea, and the more I gave away and spent, the more the booty flowed in, and I conceived that I had laid out that ring well, though 'twas worth some hundred rix-dollars. And so ends this second book.

BOOK III

_Chap. i._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT TOO FAR TO THE LEFT HAND

The gentle reader will have understood by the foregoing book how ambitious I had become in Soest, and that I had sought and found honour, fame, and favour in deeds which in others had deserved punishment. And now will I tell how through my folly I let myself be further led astray, and so lived in constant danger of life and limb; for I was so busied to gain honour and fame that I could not sleep by reason of it, and being full of such fancies, and lying awake many a night to devise new plots and plans, I had many wondrous conceits. In this wise I contrived a kind of shoes that a man could put on hind part before, so that the heel came under his toes: and of these at mine own cost I caused thirty different pairs to be made, and when I had given these out to my fellows and with them went on a foray, 'twas clean impossible to follow our tracks: for now would we wear these, and now again our right shoes on our feet, and the others in our knapsacks. So that if a man came to a place where I had bidden them change shoes, 'twas for all the world, by the tracks, as if two parties had met together there and together had vanished away. But if I kept these new invented shoes on throughout, it seemed as I had gone thither whence in truth I had come, or had come from the place to which I now went. And besides this, my tracks were at all times confused, as in a maze, so that they who should pursue or seek news of me from the footprints could never come at me. Often I was close by a party of the enemy who were minded to seek me far away: and still more often miles away from some thicket which they had surrounded, and were searching in hopes to find me. And as I managed with my parties on foot, so did I also when we were on horseback: for to me 'twas simple enough to dismount at cross-roads and forked ways and there have the horses' shoes set on hind part before. But the common tricks that soldiers use, being weak in numbers, to appear from the tracks to be strong, or being strong to appear weak, these were for me so common and I held them so cheap that I care not to tell of them. Moreover, I devised an instrument wherewith if 'twas calm weather I could by night hear a trumpet blow three hours' march away, could hear a horse neigh or a dog bark at two hours' distance, and hear men's talk at three miles; which art I kept secret, and gained thereby great respect, for it seemed to all incredible. Yet by day was this instrument, which I commonly kept with a perspective-gla.s.s in my breeches pouch, not so useful, even though 'twas in a quiet and lonely place: for with it one could not choose but hear every sound made by horses and cattle, yea, the smallest bird in the air and the frog in the water in all the country round, and all this could be as plainly heard as if one were in the midst of a market among men and beasts where all do make such noise that for the crying of one a man cannot understand another. 'Tis true I know well there are folk who to this day will not believe this: but believe it or not, 'tis but the truth. With this instrument I can by night know any man that talks but so loud as his custom is, by his voice, though he be as far from me as where with a good perspective-gla.s.s one could by day know him by his clothes. Yet can I blame no one if he believe not what I here write, for none of those would believe me which saw with their own eyes how I used the said instrument, and would say to them, "I hear cavalry, for the horses are shod," or "I hear peasants coming, for the horses are unshod," or "I hear waggoners, but 'tis only peasants; for I know them by their talk." "Here come musqueteers, and so many, for I hear the rattling of their bandoliers." "There is a village near by, for I hear the c.o.c.ks crow and the dogs bark." "There goes a herd of cattle; for I hear sheep bleat and cows low and pigs grunt"; and so forth. Mine own comrades at first would hold this but for vain boasting, and when they found that all I said proved true in fact, then all must be witchcraft, and what I said must have been told to me by the devil and his dam. And so I believe will the gentle reader also think. Nevertheless by such means did I often escape the adversary when he had news of me and came to capture me: and I deem that if I had published this discovery 'twould since have become common, for it would be of great service in war and notably in sieges. But I return to my history.

If I was not needed for a foray, I would go a-stealing, and then were neither horses, cows, pigs, nor sheep safe from me that I could find for miles round: for I had a contrivance to put boots or shoes on the horses and cattle till I came to a frequented road, where none could trace them: and then I would shoe the horses hind part before, or if 'twas cows and oxen I put shoes on them which to that end I had caused to be made, and so brought them to a safe place. And the big fat swine-gentry, which by reason of laziness care not to travel by night, these I devised a masterly trick to bring away, however much they might grunt and refuse. For I made a savoury brew with meal and water and soaked a sponge in it: this I fastened to a strong cord, and let them for whom I angled swallow that sponge full of the broth, but kept the cord in my hand, whereupon without further parley they went contentedly with me and paid their score with hams and sausages. And all I brought home I faithfully shared both with the officers and my comrades: and so I got leave to fare forth again, and when my thefts were spied upon and betrayed, they helped me finely through. For the rest, I deemed myself far too good to steal from poor men, or rob hen-roosts and filch such small deer. And with all this I began by little and little to lead an epicurish life in regard of eating and drinking: for now I had forgot my hermit's teaching and had none to guide my youth or to whom I might look up: for my officers shared with me and caroused with me, and they that should have warned and chastised me rather enticed me to all vices. By this means I became so G.o.dless and wicked that no villainy was too great for me to compa.s.s. But at last I was secretly envied, specially by my comrades, as having a luckier hand at thieving than any other, and also by my officers because I cut such a figure, was lucky in forays, and made for myself a greater name and reputation than they themselves had. In a word, I am well a.s.sured one party or the other would have sacrificed me had I not spent so much.

_Chap. ii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN OF SOEST DID RID HIMSELF OF THE HUNTSMAN OF WESEL

Now as I was living in this fas.h.i.+on, and busied with this, namely, to have me certain devil-masks made and grisly raiment thereto appertaining with cloven hoofs, by which means to terrify our foes, and specially to take their goods from our friends unbeknown (for which the affair of the bacon-stealing gave me the first hint), I had news that a fellow was at Wesel, which was a renowned partisan, went clad in green, and under my name practised divers rapes and robberies here and there in the land, but chiefly among our supporters, so that well-founded plaints against me were raised, and I must have paid for it smartly, had I not clearly shewn that at the very time he played these and other like tricks in my name I was elsewhere. Now this I would not pardon him, much less suffer him longer to use my name, to plunder in my shape and so bring me to shame. So with the knowledge of the commandant at Soest I sent him an invitation to the open field with swords or pistols. But as he had no heart to appear, I let it be known I would be revenged on him, even though it were in the very quarters of the commandant at Wesel, who had failed to punish him. Yea, I said openly if I found him on a foray I would treat him as an enemy. And that determined me to let my masks alone with which I had planned to do great things, to cut my green livery in pieces, and to burn it publicly in Soest in front of my quarters, to say nothing of all my clothing and horse harness, which were worth well over a hundred ducats: yea, and in my wrath I swore that the next that should call me huntsman must either kill me or die by my hand, should it cost me my life: nor would I ever again lead a party (for I was not bound to do so, being no officer) till I had avenged myself on my counterfeit at Wesel. So I kept myself to myself and did no more any exploits, save that I did my duty as sentry wheresoever I might be ordered to go, and that I performed as any malingerer might, and as sleepily as might well be. And this thing became known in the neighbourhood, and the advance-parties of the enemy became so bold and a.s.sured at this that they every day would bivouac close to our pickets: and that at last I could endure no longer. Yet what plagued me most of all was this: that this huntsman of Wesel went ever on his old way, giving himself out for me and under that name getting plunder enough and to spare.

Meanwhile, while all thought I had laid myself to sleep on a bearskin and should not soon rise from it, I was inquiring of the ways and works of my counterfeit at Wesel, and found that he not only imitated me in name and clothing, but was also used to steal by night whenever he could find a chance: so I woke up again unexpectedly and laid my plans accordingly. Now I had by little and little trained my two servants like watch-dogs, and they were so true to me that each at need would have run through fire for me, for with me they had good food and drink and gained plenty of booty. One of these I sent to mine enemy at Wesel, to pretend that because I, that had been his master, was now begun to live like any idler and had sworn never again to ride on a raid, he cared not to stay longer with me, but was come to serve him, since 'twas he that had put on the huntsman's dress in his master's stead, and carried himself like a proper soldier: and he knew, said he, all highways and byways in the country, and could lay many a plan for him to gain good booty. My good simple fool believed it all, and let himself be persuaded to take the fellow into his service. So on a certain night he went with him and his comrade to a sheepfold to fetch away a few fat wethers: but there was I and Jump-i'-th'-field my other servant already in waiting, and had bribed the shepherd to fasten up his dogs and to suffer the new-comers to burrow their way into the shed unhindered; for I would say grace for them over their mutton. So when they had made a hole through the wall, the huntsman of Wesel would have it that my servant should slip in first: "But," says he, "No, for there might well be one on the watch that should deal me one on the head: I see plainly ye know not how to go a-mousing: one must first explore"; and therewith drew his sword and hung his hat on the point, and pus.h.i.+ng it through the hole again and again, "So," says he, "We shall find out if the good man be at home or not." This ended, the huntsman of Wesel was the first to creep through. And with that Jump-i'-th'-field had him by the arm which held his sword, and asked, would he cry for quarter?

That his fellow heard and would have run for it: but I, who knew not which was the huntsman, and was swifter of foot than he, overtook him in a few paces: so I asked him, "Of what party?" Says he, "Of the emperor's." I asked, "What regiment? I am of the emperor's side: 'tis a rogue that denies his master!" He answered, "We are of the dragoons of Soest, and are come to fetch a couple of sheep: I hope, brother, if ye be of the emperor's party too, ye will let us pa.s.s." I answered, "Who are ye, then, from Soest?" Says he, "My comrade in the shed is the huntsman." "Then are ye rogues," said I, "or why do ye plunder your own quarters? The huntsman of Soest is no such fool as to let himself be taken in a sheep-fold." "Nay, from Wesel I should have said," says he: but while we thus disputed together came my servant and Jump-i'-th'-field to us with my adversary: and, "Lookye," says I, "Is it thus we come together, thou honourable rascal, thou? Were it not that I respect the emperor's arms which thou hast undertaken to bear against the enemy, I would incontinently send a ball through thy head: till now I have been the huntsman of Soest, and thee I count for a rogue unless thou take one of these swords here present and measurest the other with me soldier-fas.h.i.+on." And with that my servant (who, like Jump-i'-th'-field, had on horrible devil's apparel with goat's horns) laid a couple of swords at our feet which I had brought from Soest, and gave the huntsman of Wesel the choice, to take which he would: whereat the poor huntsman was so dismayed that it fared with him as with me at Hanau when I spoiled the dance: he and his comrade trembled like wet dogs, fell on their knees, and begged for pardon. But Jump-i'-th'-field growled out, as 'twere from the inside of a hollow pot, "Nay, ye must fight, or I will break the neck of ye." "O honourable sir devil," says the huntsman, "I came not here to fight: oh, deliver me from this, master devil, and I will do what thou wilt." So as he talked thus wildly, my servant put one sword in his hand and gave me the other: yet he trembled so sore he could not hold it. Now the moon was bright, and the shepherd and his men could see and hear all from out their hut: so I called to him to come, that I might have a witness of this bargain: but when he came, he made as though he saw not the two in devils'

disguise, and said, what cause had I to bicker so long with these two fellows in his sheepfold: if I had aught to settle with them, I might do it elsewhere: for our business concerned him not at all: he paid his "Conterbission" regularly every month, and hoped, therefore, he might live in peace with his sheep. To the two fellows he said, why did they so suffer one man to plague them, and did not knock me on the head at once. "Why," said I, "thou rascal, they would have stolen thy sheep."

"Then let the devil wring their necks for them," says the peasant, and away he went. With that I would come to the fighting again: but my poor huntsman could, for sheer terror, no longer keep his feet, so that I pitied him: yea, he and his comrade uttered such piteous plaints that, in a word, I forgave and pardoned him all. But Jump-i'-th'-field would not so be satisfied, but scratched the huntsman so grievously in the face that he looked as he had been at dinner with the cats, and with this poor revenge I must be content. So the huntsman vanished from Wesel, for he was sore shamed: inasmuch as his comrade declared everywhere, and confirmed it with horrible oaths, that I had in real truth two devils in the flesh that waited on me; and so was I more feared, and contrariwise less loved.

_Chap. iii._: HOW THE GREAT G.o.d JUPITER WAS CAPTURED AND HOW HE REVEALED THE COUNSELS OF THE G.o.dS

Of that I was soon aware: and therefore did I do away my G.o.dless way of life and give myself over to religion and good living. 'Tis true I would ride on forays as before, yet now I shewed myself so courteous and kindly towards friend and foe, that all I had to deal with deemed it must be a different man from him they had heard of. Nay, more, I made an end of my superfluous expense, and got together many bright ducats and jewels which I hid here and there in hollow trees in the country round Soest; for so the well-known fortune-teller in that town advised me, and told me likewise I had more enemies in Soest and in mine own regiment than outside the town and in the enemy's garrisons: and these, said she, were all plotting against me and my money. And when 'twas noised in this place or that, that the huntsman was off and away, presently I was all unexpectedly at the elbow of them that so flattered themselves, and before one village was rightly certain that I had done mischief in another, itself found that I was close at hand: for I was everywhere like a whirlwind, now here now there: so that I was more talked of than ever, and others gave themselves out to be me.

Now it happened that I lay with twenty-five musquets not far from Dorsten and waited for a convoy that should come to the town: and as was my wont, I stood sentry myself as being near the enemy. To me there came a man all alone, very well dressed and flouris.h.i.+ng a cane he had in his hand in strange wise: nor could I understand aught he said but this, "Once for all will I punish the world, that will not render me divine honours." From that I guessed this might be some mighty prince that went thus disguised to find out his subjects' ways and works, and now proposed duly to punish the same, as not having found them to his liking. So I thought, "If this man be of the opposite party, it means a good ransom; but if not, thou canst treat him so courteously and so charm away his heart that he shall be profitable to thee all thy life long."

With that I leapt out upon him, presented my gun at him at full-c.o.c.k, and says I, "Your wors.h.i.+p will please to walk before me into yonder wood if he will not be treated as an enemy." So he answered very gravely, "To such treatment my likes are not accustomed": but I pushed him very politely along and, "Your honour," said I, "will not for once refuse to bow to the necessities of the times." So when I had brought him safely to my people in the wood and had set my sentries again, I asked him who he was: to which he answered very haughtily I need not ask that, for I knew already he was a great G.o.d. I thought he might perhaps know me, and might be a n.o.bleman of Soest that thus spoke to rally me; for 'tis the custom to jeer at the people of Soest about their great idol with the golden ap.r.o.n: but soon I was aware that instead of a prince I had caught a madman, one that had studied too much and gone mad over poetry: for when he grew a little more acquainted with me he told me plainly he was the great G.o.d Jupiter himself.

Now did I heartily wish I had never made this capture: but since I had my fool, there I must needs keep him till we should depart: so, as the time otherwise would have been tedious, I thought I would humour the fellow and make his gifts of use to me; so I said to him, "Now, wors.h.i.+pful Jove, how comes it that thy high divinity thus leaves his heavenly throne and descends to earth? Forgive, O Jupiter, my question, which thou mightest deem one of curiosity: for we be also akin to the heavenly G.o.ds and nought but wood-spirits, born of fauns and nymphs, to whom this secret shall ever remain a secret." "I swear to thee by the Styx," answered Jupiter, "thou shouldst not know a word of the secret wert thou not so like to my cup-bearer Ganymede, even wert thou Paris's own son: but for his sake I communicate to thee this, that a great outcry concerning the sins of the world is come up to me through the clouds: upon which 'twas decided in the council of all the G.o.ds that I could justly destroy all the world with a flood: but inasmuch as I have always had a special favour to the human race, and moreover at all times shew kindness rather than severity, I am now wandering around to learn for myself the ways and works of men: and though I find all worse than I expected, yet am I not minded to destroy all men at once and without distinction, but to punish only those that deserve punishment and thereafter to bend the remainder to my will."

I must needs laugh, yet checked myself, and said, "Alas, Jupiter, thy toil and trouble will be, I fear, all in vain unless thou punish the world with water, as before, or with fire: for if thou sendest a war, thither run together all vile and abandoned rogues that do but torment peaceable and pious men. An thou sendest a famine, 'tis but a G.o.dsend for the usurers, for then is their corn most valuable: and if thou sendest a pestilence, then the greedy and all the rest of mankind do find their account, for then do they inherit much. So must thou destroy the whole world root and branch, if thou wilt punish at all."

_Chap. iv._: OF THE GERMAN HERO THAT SHALL CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD AND BRING PEACE TO ALL NATIONS

So Jupiter answered, "Thou speakest of the matter like a mere man, as if thou didst not know that 'tis possible for us G.o.ds so to manage things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved: I will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of the sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the righteous." "Yea," said I, "but such a hero must needs have soldiers, and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the innocent suffer as well as the guilty." "Oho;" says Jupiter, "be ye earthly G.o.ds minded like earthly men, that ye can understand so little?

For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding: to this shall Venus add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus, Adonis, and even my Ganymede: and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts, dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the hour of his birth. Mercury, too, shall endow him with incomparable cleverness, and the inconstant moon shall be to him not harmful but useful, for she shall implant in him an invincible swiftness: Pallas Athene shall rear him on Parna.s.sus, and Vulcan shall, under the influence of Mars, forge for him his weapons, and specially a sword with which he shall conquer the whole world and make an end of all the G.o.dless, without the help of a single man as a soldier: for he shall need no a.s.sistance. Every town shall tremble at his coming, and every fortress otherwise unconquerable he shall have in his power in the first quarter of an hour: in a word, he shall have the rule over the greatest potentates of the world, and so n.o.bly bear sway over earth and sea that both G.o.ds and men shall rejoice thereat."