The Adventurous Simplicissimus being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim Part 13

"Yea," said I, "but how can the destruction of all the G.o.dless and rule over the whole world be accomplished without specially great power and a strong arm? O Jupiter, I tell thee plainly I can understand these things less than any mere mortal man." "At that," says Jupiter, "I marvel not: for thou knowest not what power my hero's sword will have; Vulcan shall make it of the same materials of which he doth forge my thunderbolts, and so direct its virtues that my hero, if he do but draw it and wave it in the air, can cut off the heads of a whole armada, though they be hidden behind a mountain or be a whole Swiss mile distant from him, and so the poor devils shall lie there without heads before they know what has befallen them. And when he shall begin his triumphal progress and shall come before a town or a fortress, then shall he use Tamburlaine's vein, and for a sign that he is there for peace and for the furthering of all good shall shew a white flag: then if they come forth to him and are content, 'tis well: if not, then will he draw his sword, and by its virtue, as before described, will hew off the heads of all enchanters and sorceresses throughout the town, and then raise a red flag: then if they be still obstinate, he shall destroy all murderers, usurers, thieves, rogues, adulterers, wh.o.r.es, and knaves in the said manner, and then hoist a black flag: whereupon if those that yet remain in the town refuse to come to him and humbly submit, then shall he destroy the whole town as a stiff-necked and disobedient folk: yet shall he only execute them that have hindered the others, and been the cause that the people would not submit. So shall he go from country to country, and give each town the country that lies around it to rule in peace, and from each town in all Germany choose out two of the wisest and learnedest men to form his parliament, shall reconcile the towns with each other for ever, shall do away all villenage, and also all tolls, excises, interest, taxes, and octrois throughout Germany, and take such order that none shall ever again hear of forced work, watch-duties, contributions, benevolences, war-taxes, and other burdens of the people, but that men shall live happier than in the Elysian fields. And then," says Jupiter, "will I often a.s.semble all Olympus and come down to visit the Germans, to delight myself among their vines and fig-trees: and there will I set Helicon on their borders and establish the Muses anew thereon: Germany will I bless with all plenty, yea, more than Arabia Felix, Mesopotamia, and the land of Damascus: then will I forswear the Greek language, and only speak German; and, in a word, shew myself so good a German that in the end I shall grant to them, as once I did to the Romans, the rule over all the earth."

"But," said I, "great Jupiter, what will princes and lords say to this, if this future hero so violently take from them their rights and hand them over to the towns? Will they not resist with force, or at least protest against it before G.o.ds and men?"

"The hero," answered Jupiter, "will trouble himself little on that score: he will divide all the great into three cla.s.ses: them which have lived wickedly and set an evil example he will punish together with the commons, for no earthly power can withstand his sword: to the rest he will give the choice whether to stay in the land or not. They that love their fatherland and abide must live like the commons, but the German people's way of living shall then be more plentiful and comfortable than is now the life and household of a king; yea, they shall be one and all like Fabricius, that would not share King Pyrrhus his kingdom because he loved his country and honour and virtue too much: and so much for the second cla.s.s. But as to the third, which will still be lords and rulers, them will he lead through Hungary and Italy into Moldavia, Wallachia, into Macedonia, Thrace and Greece, yea, over the h.e.l.lespont into Asia, and conquer these lands for them, give them as helpers all them that live by war in all Germany, and make them all kings. Then will he take Constantinople in one day, and lay the heads of all Turks that will not be converted and become obedient before their feet: then will he again set up the Roman Empire, and so betake himself again to Germany, and with his lords of Parliament (whom, as I have said, he shall choose in pairs from every city in Germany, and name them the chiefs and fathers of his German Fatherland) build a city in the midst of Germany that shall be far greater than Manoah[21] in America, and richer than was Jerusalem in Solomon's time, whose walls shall be as high as the mountains of Tirol and its ditches as broad as the sea between Spain and Africa. And there will he build a temple entirely of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires, and in the treasury that he shall there build will he gather together rarities from the whole world out of the gifts that the kings in China and in Persia, the great Mogul in the East Indies, the great Khan of Tartary, Prester John in Africa, and the great Czar in Muscovy will send to him.

Yea, the Turkish emperor would be yet more ready to serve him if it were not that my hero will have taken his empire from him and given it as a fief to the Roman emperor."

Then I asked my friend Jupiter what in such case would become of the Christian kings. So he answered, "Those of England, Sweden, and Denmark (because they are of German race and descent), and those of Spain, France, and Portugal (because the Germans of old conquered and ruled in those lands), shall receive their crowns, kingdoms, and incorporated lands in fee as fiefs of the German nation, and then will there be, as in Augustus's time, a perpetual peace between all nations."

_Chap. v._: HOW HE SHALL RECONCILE ALL RELIGIONS AND CAST THEM IN THE SAME MOULD

Now Jump-i'-th'-field, who also listened to us, had wellnigh enraged Jupiter and spoiled the whole affair; for said he, "Yea, yea; and then 'twill be in Germany as in fairyland, where it rains muscatels and nought else, and where twopenny pies grow in the night like mushrooms: and I too shall have to eat with both cheeks full at once like a thresher, and drink myself blind with Malvoisie." "Yea, truly," said Jupiter, "and that the more because I will curse thee with the undying hunger of Erysichthon, for methinks thou art one of them that do deride my majesty," and to me said he, "I deemed I was among wood-spirits only: but meseems I have chanced upon a Momus or a Zoilus, the most envious creatures in the world. Is one to reveal to such traitors the decrees of heaven and so to cast pearls before swine?" So I saw plainly he would not willingly brook laughter, and therefore kept down mine own as best I could, and "Most gracious Jupiter," said I, "thou wilt not, by reason of a rude forest-G.o.d's indiscretion, conceal from thy Ganymede how things are further to happen in Germany." "No, no," said he, "but I command this mocker, who is like to Theon, to bridle his evil tongue in future, lest I turn him to a stone as Mercury did Battus. But do thou confess to me thou art truly my Ganymede, and that my jealous Juno hath driven thee from heaven in my absence." So I promised to tell him all when I should have heard what I desired to know. Thereupon, "Dear Ganymede," says he, "for deny not that thou art he--in those days shall gold-making be as common in Germany as is pot-making now, and every horse-boy shall carry the philosophers' stone about with him." "Yea," said I, "but how can Germany be so long in peace with all these different religions? Will not the opposing clergy urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?" "No, no," says Jupiter, "my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all things to unite all Christian religions in the world." "O wonderful,"

said I, "that were indeed a great work! How could it come about?" "I will with all my heart reveal it to thee," answered Jupiter, "for after my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such according to his own great wisdom. Then will he gather together the most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, where one can consider weighty matters undisturbed, and there provide them all with meat and drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition, the recognised sense of the Fathers. At which time Pluto will sorely scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom: yea, and will devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an 'and,' and if not to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it _sine die_, that is for ever. So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and aught else that might sway his inclinations. But my brave hero also will not be idle: he will so long as this council shall last have all the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the Spirit of Truth. And if he shall see that one or another doth allow himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole a.s.sembly with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the gallows, or shew them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness, but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with their stiff-necked false doctrines. So when unity is arrived at, then will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him to Pluto as a New Year's gift. And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all thou didst desire to know: and now tell me in turn the reason why thou hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of nectar."

_Chap. vi._: HOW THE EMBa.s.sY OF THE FLEAS FARED WITH JUPITER

Now methought 'twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a pa.s.sion, for in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, "The reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so took Daedalus's wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all the other G.o.ds, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy, adulterous caperer after woman-kind; how canst thou then, punish the world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pa.s.s Mars's adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchast.i.ty the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber; Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander; Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole crew of the G.o.ds so ill famed that they should of right be lodged nowhere but in Augeas's stable, which even without them stinks in the nostrils of all the world."

"Aha;" says Jupiter, "and who would wonder if I laid aside my graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in Phalaris's red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora's box anew and empty it upon the rogues' heads: then Nemesis shall wake the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves, and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then will I bind them fast with Hesiod and Homer to a pillar in h.e.l.l and there have them chastised for ever without pity by the Furies."

Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he had upon him: for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore.

And as he did so he cried, "Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire."

So I asked him what he meant by such words. He answered, the nation of the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their amba.s.sadors to compliment him: and there had complained to him that, though he had a.s.signed to them the dogs' coats as a dwelling, yet on account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went astray and trespa.s.sed on the ladies' furs; and such poor wandering creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their fingers that it might move the heart of a stone. "Yea," said Jupiter further, "they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help, yet on condition I should first hear the women: to that they objected that if 'twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to oppose them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me and lead me astray to a wrong judgment. But if I must allow the women to hunt, catch, and with the hunters' privilege to slay them in their preserves, then their pet.i.tion was that they might in future be executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a pole-axe like oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their own limbs were made instruments of torture." "Gentlemen," said I, "ye must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye." "Yea, truly," said they, "they be so envious of us. Is it right? Can they not suffer us in their territories? for many of them so cleanse their lap-dogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings."

Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly: and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen, I must again be rid of them. I will give them a privilege, but only this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as much as they will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him no better.

_Chap. vii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN AGAIN SECURED HONOUR AND BOOTY

Now might we not laugh as heartily as we would, both because we must keep quiet and because this good fool liked it not: wherefore Jump-i'-th'-field came nigh to burst. And just then our look-out man that we had posted in a tree called to us that he saw somewhat coming afar off. So I climbed the tree myself, and saw through my perspective-gla.s.s it must be the carriers for whom we lay in wait: they had no one on foot, but some thirty odd troopers for escort, and so I might easily judge they would not go through the wood wherein we lay, but would do their best to keep the open, and there we should have no advantage over them, though there was even there an awkward piece of road that led through the clearing some six hundred paces from us, and three hundred paces from the end of the wood or hill. Now it vexed me to have lain there so long for nought, or at best to have captured only a fool; and so I quickly laid me another plan and that turned out well.

For from our place of ambush there ran a brook in a cleft of the ground, which it was easy to ride along, down to the level country: the mouth of this I occupied with twenty men, took my post with them, and bade Jump-i'-th'-field stay in the place where we had been posted to advantage, and ordered each one of my fellows, when the escort should come, that each should aim at his man, and commanded also that some should shoot and some should hold their fire for a reserve. Some old veterans perceived what I intended and how I guessed that the escort would come that way, as having no cause for caution, and because certainly no peasant had been in such a place for a hundred years. But others that believed I could bewitch (for at that time I was in great reputation on that account) thought I would conjure the enemy into our hands. Yet here I needed no devil's arts, only my Jump-i'-th'-field; for even as the escort, riding pretty close together, was just about to pa.s.s by us, he began at my order to bellow most horribly like an ox, and to neigh like a horse; till the whole wood echoed therewith and any man would have sworn there were horses and cattle there. So when the escort heard that they thought to gain booty and to snap up somewhat, which yet was hard to find in such a country so laid waste. So altogether they rode so hard and disorderly into our ambush as if each would be the first to get the hardest blow, and this made them ride so close that in the first salute we gave them thirteen saddles were emptied, and some that fell were crushed under the horses' hoofs. Then came Jump-i'-th'-field leaping down the ravine and crying, "Huntsman here!" At this the fellows were yet more terrified and so dismayed that they would ride neither backward, forward nor sideways, but leapt down and tried to escape on foot. Yet I had them all seventeen prisoners with the lieutenant that had commanded them, and then attacked the waggons, where I unharnessed four-and-twenty horses, and yet got only a few bales of silk and holland: for I dared not spare the time to plunder the dead, far less to search the waggons well, for the waggoners were up and away on the horses as soon as the action began, and so might I be betrayed at Dorsten, and caught again on the way back. So when we had packed up our plunder comes Jupiter from the wood and cried to us, "Would his Ganymede desert him?" I answered him, yes, if he would not grant the fleas the privilege they demanded. "Sooner,"

says he, "would I see them all lying in h.e.l.l-fires." At that I must needs laugh, and because in any case I had horses to spare I had him set on one: yet as he could ride no better than a tailor, I must have him bound upon his horse: and then he told us our skirmish had reminded him of that of the Lapithae and the centaurs at Pirithous' wedding. So when all was over and we galloping away with our prisoners as if we were pursued, the lieutenant we had captured began to consider what a fault he had committed, as having delivered so bold a troop of riders into the hand of the enemy and given over thirteen brave fellows to be butchered, and so, being desperate, he refused the quarter I had given him, and would fain have compelled me to have him shot; for he thought that not only would this mistake turn to his great shame, and he be answerable, but also would hinder his advancement, even if it came not to this, that he must pay for his error with his head. So I talked with him and shewed him that with many a good soldier inconstant fortune had played her tricks; yet had I never seen any one that therefore had been driven desperate, and that so to act were a sign of faintheartedness: for brave soldiers were ever devising how to make up for losses sustained; nor should he ever bring me to break my plighted word or to commit so shameful a deed against all righteousness and against the custom and tradition of honourable soldiers. When he saw I would not do it he began to revile me in the hope to move me to anger, and said I had not fought with him honestly and openly, but like a rogue and a footpad, and had stolen the lives of his soldiers like a thief: and at this his own fellows that we had captured were mightily afraid, and mine so wroth that they would have riddled him like a sieve if I had allowed it; and I had enough to do to prevent it. Yet I was in no wise moved at his talk, but called both friend and foe to witness of what happened, and had him bound and guarded as a madman, but promised him so soon as we came to our camp, and if my officers permitted, to equip him with mine own horses and weapons, of which he should have the choice, and prove to him in open field, with sword and pistol, that 'twas allowed in war to use craft against the adversary: and asked him why he had not stayed with the waggons, which he was ordered to do; or, if he must needs see what was in the wood, why he had not made a proper reconnaissance, which had been better for him than now to begin to play fool's tricks to which no one would take heed. Herein both friend and foe approved me right, and said that among a hundred partisans they had never met one that would not for such words of reviling have not only shot the lieutenant dead, but would have sent all the prisoners to the grave after him.

So next morning I brought my prisoners and plunder safely to Soest, and gained more honour and fame from this foray than ever before: for each one said, "This will prove another young John de Werth[22]"; which tickled me greatly. Yet would not the commandant permit me to exchange shots or to fight with the lieutenant: for he said I had twice overcome him. And the more my triumphs thus increased the more grew the envy of those that in any case would have grudged me my luck.

_Chap. viii._: HOW HE FOUND THE DEVIL IN THE TROUGH, AND HOW JUMP-I'-TH'-FIELD GOT FINE HORSES

Now I could by no means be rid of my Jupiter: for the commandant would have none of him, as a pigeon not worth the plucking, but said he made me a free gift of him. So now I had a fool of mine own and needed to buy none, though a year before I must needs allow others to treat me as such. So wondrous is fortune and so changeable the times! Even now had the lice troubled me, and now had I the very G.o.d of fleas in my power; half a year before was I serving a miserable dragoon as page, and now I had command of two servants that called me master; and so I reflected at times that nothing is so certain in this world as its uncertainty.

And so must I fear if ever Fortune should let loose her hornets upon me it would altogether overwhelm my present happiness.

Now just then Count von der Wahl, as colonel in command of the Westphalian circle, was collecting troops from all the garrisons to make a cavalry expedition through the bishopric of Munster towards the Vecht, Meppen, Lingen and such places, but specially to drive off two companies of Hessian troopers in the bishopric of Paderborn that lay two miles from the city and had there done our people much damage. So was I ordered out with our dragoons, and when a few troops had been collected at Ham we beat up the quarters of the said troopers, which were but an ill-protected village, till the rest of our people came.

They tried to escape, but we drove them back into their nest, and offered them to let them go without horse or weapons but with the clothes on their backs; to this they would not agree, but would defend themselves with their carbines like musqueteers. So it came to that, that in the same night I must try what luck I had in storming, for the dragoons led the way; and my luck was so good that I, together with Jump-i'-th'-field, was among the first to come into the town, and that without hurt, and we soon cleared the streets; for all that bore arms were cut down, and the citizens had no stomach for fighting; so we entered the houses. Then said Jump-i'-th'-field, we should choose a house before which a big heap of dung stood, for in such the rich curmudgeons were wont to dwell, with whom commonly officers were billeted: on such a one we seized, and there Jump-i'-th'-field would first visit the stable and I the house, on the condition each should share with the other whatever he could lay hands on. So then each lit his torch, and I called to the master of the house but had no answer, for all had hid themselves, but came upon a room wherein was nought but an empty bed and a covered kneading-trough. This I knocked open in hopes to find somewhat valuable, but as I raised the cover a coal-black thing rose up against me which I took for Lucifer himself. Nay, I can swear I was never in my life so terrified as I was then, when I so unawares beheld this black devil. "May all the powers of h.e.l.l take thee," I cried in my fear, and raised my hatchet wherewith I had broke open the trough, yet had not the heart to split the creature's skull: so down he knelt, raised his hands to me, and says he, "O ma.s.sa, I beg by de good G.o.d, gib me my life." With that I first knew 'twas no devil, for he spake of G.o.d and begged for his life; so I bade him get out of his trough: and that he did as naked as G.o.d made him. Then I cut a piece of my torch off for him to light me, the which he did obediently, and brought me to a little room wherein I found the master of the house, who, together with his people, was looking on at this merry sight, and begged with trembling for mercy. And that he easily came by, for in any case we might not harm the burghers, and besides he handed me over the baggage of the Hessian captain, among which was a fairly well-furnished, locked portmanteau, telling me the said captain and all his people, save one servant and the negro now present, were gone to their posts to defend themselves. Meanwhile Jump-i'-th'-field had made prize of the said servant and six fine saddle-horses in the stable: these we brought into the house, barred the doors, and bade the negro to put on his clothes; and told the burgher what story he should tell to his captain. But when the gate was opened and the posts occupied, and our general of ordnance, Count von der Wahl, was admitted, he lodged his staff in the very house where we were. So in dark night we must needs seek other quarters; and these we found with our comrades who had come in with the storming-parties: with them we made merry and spent the rest of the night in eating and drinking, when Jump-i'-th'-field and I had divided our booty. For my share I received the negro and the two best horses, of which one was a Spanish one, on which any soldier might meet his enemy, and with this thereafter I made no small show; but out of the portmanteau I got divers costly rings, and in a golden case set with rubies the Prince of Orange's portrait (for all the rest I left to Jump-i'-th'-field), so that the whole, if I had desired to give it away, would with the horses have stood me in 200 ducats: since for the negro, that was the poorest part of my booty, the Master-General of Ordnance to whom I presented him gave me two dozen thalers.

Thence we marched quickly to the Ems, yet accomplished but little: and as it happened that we came near Recklinghausen, I took leave, together with Jump-i'-th'-field, to speak with my pastor from whom I had stolen the bacon. With him I made merry and told him the negro had made me feel the same terror which he and his cook had felt, and presented him, moreover, with a fine striking watch for a friendly remembrance, which I had had out of the captain's portmanteau: and so did I take care to make friends in all places of them that would otherwise have had cause to hate me.

_Chap. ix._: OF AN UNEQUAL COMBAT IN WHICH THE WEAKEST WINS THE DAY AND THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED

But with my good fortune my pride so increased that in the end it could bring me nothing but a fall. For as we were encamped some half-hour from Rehnen, I had leave to go into the town with my dear comrade, there to have those arms furbished up which we had just received. And as it was our intent to be right merry with each other, we turned in to the best inn, and had minstrels sent for, to play our wine and beer down our throat. So we fell to drinking and roaring; and no sport was wanting, which could make the money fly: nay, I invited also lads from other regiments to be my guests, and so carried myself as a young prince who has command of land and folk and great sums to spend by the year. And thus we fared better than was pleasing to a company of troopers who sat there also at table, but with no such mad tricks as we. So, being angry, they began to jest upon us, "How comes it," said they to one another, "that these prop-hoppers[23]" (for they took us for musqueteers, seeing that no animal in the world is more like a musqueteer than is a dragoon, and if a dragoon fall from his horse he rises up a musqueteer) "can make such a show with their halfpence?"

"Yonder lad," answered another, "is surely some straw-squire whose mother hath sent him the milk-pence, and those he now spends upon his comrades, that some time they may pull him out of the mud or through a ditch." With which words they aimed at me, for they took me for a young n.o.bleman. Of such talk the maid that waited brought me private news: yet since I heard it not myself, I could do no more than fill a great beer-gla.s.s with wine and let it go round to the health of all good musqueteers, and at every round made such a hubbub that none could hear himself speak. And this vexed them yet more, so that they said aloud, "What in the devil's name have these prop-hoppers for an easy life of it!" Whereupon Jump-i-'th'-field answered, "And what matters that to the bootblacks?" This pa.s.sed well enough; for he looked so big and held so fierce and threatening a carriage that no one cared to give him the rub. Yet he must again fall foul of them, and this time of a fellow of some consideration, who answered, "Ay, and if these loiterers could not so swagger here on their own dung-hill (for he thought we lay there in garrison, because our clothes seemed not so weather-beaten as those of the poor musqueteers who must lie day and night in open field), where could they show themselves? Who knows not that any of them in the battlefield is as surely the booty of the troopers as is the pigeon of the hawk?" But I answered him, "It is our business to take cities and fortresses, whereas ye troopers, if ye come but to the poorest rat's-nest of a town, can there drive no dog out of his den. Why may we not then have your good leave to make merry in that which is more ours than yours?" The trooper answered, "Him who is master in the field the fortresses must follow after: and that we troopers are masters in the field is proved by this: that I for myself not only fear not three such babes as thee, musquet and all, but could stick a couple such in my hat-band, and then ask the third where there were more to be found. And if I now sat by thee," said he with scorn, "I would bestow on my young squire a couple of buffets to prove the truth of this."

"Yea," said I, "and though I have as good a pair of pistols as thou, notwithstanding I am no trooper, but only a b.a.s.t.a.r.d between such and the musqueteers, yet, look you, even a child hath heart enough to shew himself alone in open field against such a bully on horseback as thou art, and against all thine armoury."

"Aha; thou swaggerer," said the fellow, "I hold thee for a rascal if thou make not good thy words forthwith as becomes an honourable n.o.bleman."

So I threw him my glove and, "See then," said I, "if I get this not from thee in fair field with my musquet only and on foot, so hast thou right and good leave to hold and to reproach me for such a one as thy presumption has even now named me."

Then we paid the reckoning and the trooper made ready his carbine and pistols, and I my musquet: and as he rode away with his comrades to the place agreed upon he told my comrade Jump-i'-th'-field he might order my grave. So he answered him he had better give it in charge to one of his own fellows that he might order such for him. Yet thereafter he rebuked me for my presumption, and said plainly he feared I should now play my last tune. But I did but laugh, for I had long since devised a plan how to encounter the best mounted of troopers, if ever such an one should attack me in the open field, though armed only with my musquet and on foot. So when we came to the place where this beggar's dance should be, I had my musquet already loaded with two b.a.l.l.s, and put in fresh priming and smeared the cover of the pan with tallow as careful musqueteers be wont to do, to guard the touch-hole and powder in the pan from damp in rainy weather.

Before we engaged, our comrades on both sides agreed that we should fight in open field, and to that end that we should start, one from the East, the other from the West, in a fenced plot; and thereafter each should do his best against the other as a soldier would do in face of the enemy; and that no one should help either party before or during or after the fight, either to succour his comrade, or to avenge his death or hurt. So when they had thus engaged themselves with word and hand, I and my opposite gave each other our hand upon this, that each would forgive the other his death. In all which most unreasonable folly that ever a man of sense could entertain, each hoped to gain for his arm of the service the advantage, for all the world as if the entire honour and reputation of one or the other, depended upon the outcome of our devilish undertaking.

Now as I entered the stricken field at my appointed end with my match alight at both ends, and saw my adversary before my eyes, I made as if I shook out the old priming as I walked. Yet I did not so, but spread priming powder only on the cover of the pan, blew up my match, and pa.s.sed my two fingers over the pan, as is the custom, and before I could see the white of the eyes of my opposite, who kept me well in sight, I took aim, and set fire to the false priming powder on the cover of the pan. Then the enemy, believing that my musquet had missed fire and that the touch-hole was stopped, rode straight down upon me pistol in hand, and all too anxious to pay me there and then for my presumption, but before he was aware I had the pan open and shut again, and gave him such a welcome that ball and fall came together.

Then I returned to my fellows, who received me with embraces; but his comrades, freeing his foot from the stirrup, dealt with him and with us as honest fellows, for they returned me my glove with all praise. But even when I deemed my reputation to be at its height, came five-and-twenty musqueteers from Rehnen, who laid me and my comrades by the heels. Then presently I was clapped in chains and sent to headquarters, for all duels were forbidden on pain of death.

_Chap. x._: HOW THE MASTER-GENERAL OF ORDNANCE GRANTED THE HUNTSMAN HIS LIFE AND HELD OUT HOPES TO HIM OF GREAT THINGS

Now as our General of Ordnance was wont to keep strict discipline, I looked to lose my head: yet had I hopes to escape, because I had at so early an age ever carried myself well against the enemy, and gained great name and fame for courage. Yet was this hope uncertain because, by reason of such things happening daily, 'twas necessary to make an example. Our men had but just beat up a dangerous nest of rats, and demanded a surrender, yet had received a denial; for the enemy knew we had no heavy artillery. For that reason Count von der Wahl appeared with all our force before the said place, demanded a surrender once more by a trumpeter, and threatened to storm the town. Yet all he got thereby was the writing that here followeth:

"High and well-born Count, &c.,--From your Excellency's letter to me I understand what you suggest to me in the name of his Imperial Roman Majesty. Now your Excellency, with his great understanding, must be well aware how improper, nay unjustifiable, it were for a soldier to surrender a place like this to the adversary without especial necessity. For which reason your Excellency will not, I hope, blame me if I wait till his means of attack are sufficient. But if your Excellency have occasion to employ my small powers in any services but those touching my allegiance, I shall ever be,

"Your Excellency's most obedient servant,

"N. N."

Thereupon was much discussion in our camp about this place; for to leave it alone was not to be thought on: to storm it without a breach would have cost much blood, and 'twould have been uncertain even then whether we should succeed or not: and if we had to fetch our heavy pieces and all their equipment from Munster and Ham, 'twould cost much time, trouble, and expense. So while great and small were hard at work a-reasoning, it came into my head that I should use this opportunity to get free: so I set all my wits to work, and reflected how one might cheat the enemy, seeing 'twas only the cannon that were wanted. And pretty soon I had devised a trick and let my lieutenant-colonel know I had plans by which the place could be secured without trouble and expense, if only I could be pardoned and set free. Yet some old and tried soldiers laughed and said, "Drowning men catch at straws; and this good fellow thinks to talk himself out of gaol."