The Adventurous Simplicissimus being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim Part 16

but did write a pretty enough ditty, in the which I lauded my good fortune which had granted me, after so many happy evenings, so many joyous days also wherein I could feast mine eyes on the charms of my beloved and be refreshed thereby: yet in the same song did bemoan my hard fate that made my nights so miserable and granted me not that I should spend the night, like the day, in sweet enjoyment: which, though it seemed somewhat bold, I sang to my love with adoring sighs and an enchanting melody, wherein the lute also bore its part and with me besought the maid that she would lend her aid to make my nights as happy as my days. To all which I had but a cold response: for 'twas a prudent maid and could at will give me a fitting answer to all my feigned transports, though I might devise them never so wisely. Yet was I shy of saying aught of matrimony: and if such were touched on in conversation, then would I make my speech brief and comprest. Of that my damsel's married sister took note, and therefore barred all access for me to my mistress, so that we might not be so often together as before: for she perceived her sister was deep in love with me, and that the business would not in such fas.h.i.+on end well.

There is no need to recount all the follies of my courts.h.i.+p, seeing that the books of love are full of such. It shall suffice for the gentle reader to know that at last I was bold to kiss my mistress, and thereafter to engage in other dalliance: which much desired advances I pursued with all manner of incitements, till at length I was admitted by her at night and laid myself by her side as naturally as if I were her own. And here, as every man knoweth what on such a merry tide is wont to happen, the reader may well suppose that I dealt dishonourably with the maiden. But no; for all my purpose was defeated, and I found such resistance as I had never thought to find in any woman: for her intent was only for honourable marriage, and though I promised all that and with the most solemn oaths, yet would she grant me nothing before wedlock but only this, to lie by her: and there at length, (quite worn out with disgust,) I fell asleep. But presently thereafter was I rudely awoke: for at four o'clock of the morning there stood my colonel before my bed, a pistol in one hand and a torch in the other, and "Croat," he cries to his servant, that stood by him also with a drawn sword, "Croat, go fetch the parson as quick as may be!" But I awaking and seeing in what danger I lay, "Alas," thought I, "make thy peace with G.o.d before this man make an end of thee!" And 'twas all green and yellow before mine eyes, and I knew not whether I should open them or not.

"Thou lewd fellow!" says he to me, "must I find thee thus shaming of mine house? Should I do thee wrong if I break the neck of thee and of this baggage that hath been thine wh.o.r.e? Ah, thou beast, how can I refrain myself that I tear not thy heart from thy body and hew it in pieces and cast it for the dogs to eat?" And with that he gnashed with his teeth and rolled his eyes like a wild beast, I knowing not what to say and my bedfellow able to do naught but weep: yet at last I came to myself somewhat, and would have pleaded our innocence; but he bid me hold my peace, and now began upon fresh matter, to wit, how he had trusted me as a very different man and how I had repaid his trust with the worst treachery in the world: and thereafter came in his lady wife and began another brand-new sermon, till I would sooner have lain in a hedge of thorns: nay, I believe she had not stayed her speech for two hours or more had not the Croat returned with the parson.

Now before he came I tried once or twice to arise: but the colonel, with a fierce aspect, bade me lie still: and so I was taught how little courage a fellow hath that is caught on an ill errand, and how it fares with the heart of a thief that hath broken a house and is captured yet having stolen nothing. For I remember the good old days when, if such a colonel and two such Croats had fallen foul of me, I had made s.h.i.+ft to put all three to flight: but now there I lay like any malingerer and had not the heart to use my tongue, let alone my fists.

"See, master parson," quoth my colonel, "the fair sight to which I must perforce invite you, to be a witness of my shame"--and hardly had he said the word in his accustomed tone when he began again to yell hundred devils and thousand curses, till I could understand nothing of what he said save of breaking of necks and was.h.i.+ng of hands in blood; for he foamed at the mouth like a wild boar and demeaned himself as if in truth he would take leave of his senses: I thinking every moment, "Now will he send a ball through thy head." Yet the good parson did his best to hinder him from any rash deed whereof he might repent him afterwards: for "How now; Master Colonel," says he, "how now! Give your own sound reason room to act, and bethink you of the old saying that to what is done and cannot be undone it behoves to give the handsomest name: for this fine young couple (which can hardly be matched in the land) be not the first, nor will be the last, to be overcome by the invincible power of love. The fault which they have committed (for a fault we must needs call it) may by themselves be easily repaired. I cannot indeed approve this way of matching: yet have these young folks deserved neither gallows nor wheel, nor hath the Herr Colonel any shame to expect if he will but keep secret and forgive this fault, which otherwise no man hath knowledge of, and so give his consent to their marriage and allow such marriage to be confirmed by public ceremony in church."

"What?" says the colonel, "am I, instead of punis.h.i.+ng them, to come to them cap in hand and make them my compliments? Sooner would I when the day comes have them trussed up together and drowned in the Lippe; nay, ye shall wed them here and that at once, for to this end I had ye fetcht: else will I wring the necks of both like hens."

But as to me, my thought was, "What wilt thou do? Wilt thou eat thy leek or die? At least 'tis such a maid as thou needest not to be shamed of: and when thou thinkest of thine own lowly descent, say, art thou worthy to sit where she puts off her shoes?" Yet loud and long I swore and a.s.severated we had wrought no dishonour with one another, but got only for answer, we should have so behaved that none could suspect evil of us, whereas by our way of dealing we could quiet no man's doubts. So were we married by the said clergyman, sitting up in bed, and the ceremony over, were forced to rise and to leave the house. But I, who had now recovered myself and felt a sword by my side, must crack my joke: and "Papa-in-law," says I, "I know not why ye should carry yourself thus scurvily: when other young folk be wedded their next of kin do bring them to their bed-chamber, but your wors.h.i.+p after my wedding doth cast me forth, not only from my bed but from the house: and in place of such congratulation as he should give me on my marriage, doth grudge me even the sight of my good brother-in-law's face and my service to him. Verily if this fas.h.i.+on hold, there will be few friends.h.i.+ps bred by weddings in this world."

_Chap. xxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS HELD HIS WEDDING-FEAST AND HOW HE PURPOSED TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE

The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she went to bed with me. For though this trick which had been played me stirred up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not so foolish as to put my bride to shame. And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I had a thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my behaviour in this matter. Now thought I, "Thou art rightly served": and yet again I considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the world, which I could not in honour pa.s.s over without due revenge. But when I remembered me that such revenge must harm my father-in-law and also my gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught. At one time I was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let no man see me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit the chief and greatest folly. At the last I concluded that I would before all things win my father-in-law's friends.h.i.+p again, and would so carry myself to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as if I had made all things ready for my wedding. For, said I to myself, "Seeing that this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give it a like end: for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage and wedded like a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will be thy portion."

Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have lain longer. And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had married my wife's sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and if he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on my behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as would promote a peace between me and him. The which he took upon him to do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry fas.h.i.+on how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for making up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had in a single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the bedding. But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning draught, I was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests to the wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite himself.

The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my excuse that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were never in their sober senses: but whereas they could play the fool without attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to their senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me in a wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to enact the sober married man more reasonably. Then he demanded me what of the dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for the wedding-feast--for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty.

So I answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one clause--viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight again. But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellows.h.i.+p. So with such merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for from me, I obtained that the commandant and my father-in-law, whom he undertook to persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper. He sent likewise a cask of wine and a buck to my kitchen: and I made preparation as if I were to entertain princes, and indeed brought together a n.o.ble company, which did not only make merry with one another, but in the face of all men did so reconcile my father and mother-in-law with me that they gave me more blessing that night than cursing the night before. And so 'twas noised all over the town that our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest any ill-natured folk should play some jest upon us. And me this speedy settlement of things suited full well. For had I come to be married with my banns called beforehand, as is the usage, 'twas much to be feared there would have been some baggages that would have given a world of trouble by way of hindrance: for I had among the burghers' daughters a round half-dozen that knew me only too well.

The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so well as I by far, being miserly. And then I must first say what profession I was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my household: wherein I was first aware that I had now lost my n.o.ble freedom and must live henceforth under orders. Yet I carried myself obediently and was beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a prudent gentleman, for his advice, to digest and to follow it: which speech the commandant approved and said, "This being a brisk young soldier, it were great folly that in the present wars he should think to follow any but the soldier's trade: for 'tis far better to stable one's horse in another man's stall than to feed another's nag in one's own. And so far as I am concerned, I promise him a company whenever he will."

For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more, but shewed the commandant the merchant's receipt, which had my treasure in keeping at Cologne. "And this," said I, "I must first fetch away before I take service with the Swedes: for should they learn that I served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep my treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the roadside." This they approved, and so 'twas concluded promised and resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress and there take command of my company. Furthermore a day was named on which a company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with the commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant's regiment. For Count Gotz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his headquarters at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next spring, and so was seeking to enlist good soldiers. Yet was this care of his in vain: for the said Count Gotz was, by reason of the defeat of John de Werth in the Breisgau, forced to leave Westphalia that same spring and take the field against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine.

_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE

Things do happen in different fas.h.i.+ons. To one man ill luck cometh by degrees and slowly: another it doth fall upon in a heap. So hardly had I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave of her and her friends in my huntsman's dress with my gun upon my shoulder; and because all the roads were well known to me, I came luckily to my journey's end without danger threatening. Nay, I was seen of no man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite Cologne on this side the Rhine. But I saw many, and specially a peasant in the land of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart; and his son was still more like the old Simplicissimus. For the lad was herding swine as I was pa.s.sing by: and the swine, scenting me, began to grunt and the lad to curse: "Thunder and lightning strike them and the devil fly away with them too!" That the maidservant heard, and cried to the lad not to curse or she would tell his father. The boy answered, she might kiss ... and burn her mother too: But the peasant hearing it, runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, "Wait, thou anointed rascal, I will teach thee to curse; strike thee blind and the devil take thy carcase": and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, "Thou wicked boy," says he, "I'll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I'll kiss ... for thee; I'll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother." Which manner of correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not such decency and piety as to thank G.o.d for bringing me out of such darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding.

And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained upon me should endure?

So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was just then in his right mind. But when I told him wherefore I had come, he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw; for the merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt and had fled: 'tis true my property had been officially sealed up and the merchant himself cited to appear; but 'twas greatly doubted if he would return, because he had taken with him all of value that could easily be carried; and before the case could be settled much water might flow under the bridges. How pleasing this news was to me any man can easily judge. I swore like a trooper, but what availed that? I did not get my property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so: besides, I had taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so could not stay so long as the matter required. Moreover, 'twas dangerous for me to tarry there; for I had reason to fear that, as now being attached to an enemy's garrison, I might be found out, and so not only lose my goods but fall into a still worse plight. Yet for me to return with the matter unsettled, leave my property wilfully behind, and have naught to show but the way back instead of the way thither, seemed to me also unwise. At last I determined I would stay in Cologne till the case was settled, and let my wife know the reason of my delay: so I betook myself to an advocate, which was a notary, and told him my case, begging him to help me with counsel and action, for a proper reward; and if he hastened on the matter I would make him a good present besides the fixed fees. And as he hoped to get plenty out of me he received me willingly and undertook to board and lodge me: and thereupon next day he went with me to the officers whose business it is to settle bankrupts' affairs, and handed in a certified copy of the merchant's acknowledgment, and produced the original: to which the answer was, we must be patient till the full examination of the matter, inasmuch as the things of which the acknowledgment spoke were not all to be found.

So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I wished to see somewhat of life in great cities. My host was, as I have said, a notary and advocate: besides which he had half a dozen lodgers, and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to travellers: moreover he had both a German and an Italian groom, that could be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses, so that with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he not only earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal: for because no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make money in all manner of ways. I did learn much in the time I was with him, and especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the chiefest art of the doctor of medicine. For they say if the doctor do but know the disease, then is the patient already half cured. Now 'twas my host that furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I began with him, and thereafter to examine the condition of other persons. And many a one I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his own sickness at all and that was held by his neighbours--yea, and by the doctors too--to be a hale and hearty man. So did I find people that were sick with evil temper, and when this disease attacked them their visages were changed like those of devils, they roared like lions, scratched like cats, laid about them like bears, bit like dogs, and to shew themselves even worse than savage animals they would throw about everything that they could get into their hands, like madmen. 'Tis said this disease ariseth from the gall; but I do rather believe its origin is in this, that a fool hath a fool's pride: so if thou hear an angry man rage, especially about a small matter, be thou bold to believe that man hath more pride than sense. From this disease followeth endless mischance both for the patient and for others: for the patient, palsy, gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal death also). Yet can we with a good conscience refuse to call such men patients, be they never so dangerously ill, for patience is what they most do lack. Some, too, I saw quite sick with envy, of whom 'tis said that they eat their own hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and sad. And this disease do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming directly from the devil himself, though yet it spring from mere good fortune which the sick man's enemy doth enjoy: and he that can quite cure such an one may wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner to the Christian belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians, which have a jealousy only of sin and vice. The gaming pa.s.sion I hold likewise for a disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but specially because they that are infected therewith are mad after the thing as if poisoned: it hath its rise from idleness and not from greed, as some do judge; and if thou take away from a man the chances of l.u.s.t and idleness, that sickness will of itself depart. Likewise I found that gluttony is a disease: and that it cometh from habit and not from overmuch wealth. Poverty is indeed a good protective against it, but 'tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich misers that starved. It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it, and that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so that these patients commonly must of themselves be healed when it comes to this, that either from poverty or from disease they can devour no more. As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having its rise in ignorance: for if a man do but know himself and remember whence he is and whither he goeth, 'tis clean impossible that he can go on in his foolish pride. When I do see a peac.o.c.k or a turkey-c.o.c.k strut and gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady: yet have I never been able to find a special remedy against it: for they that are sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen.

Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for Philemon died of it and Democritus was till his end sick of it. And so nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died. 'Tis said it hath its origin in the liver: but I do believe it cometh from immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man: nor is it needful to present a remedy for it, since 'tis not only a merry madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it. Nor less did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the female s.e.x: 'tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous, seeing that we all must pay for our first mother's curiosity. Of the rest, as sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the pa.s.sions of love, and the like, I will for this turn say naught, since 'twas never my intent to write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed gave me the hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he himself was utterly ruled and possessed by greed.

_Chap. xxiv._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN

The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he sc.r.a.ped together money: he fed with his guests and not his guests with him, and he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money they brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it: but he fed us Swabian fas.h.i.+on and kept a mighty deal back. At the first I ate not with his guests but with his children and household, because I had little money with me: there were but little morsels, that were like Spanish fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty Westphalian diet. No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only what had been carried away a week before from the students' table, pretty well hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as Methuselah. Over this the hostess, who must do the cooking herself (for he would pay for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kind of gravy and bedevilled it with pepper. Yet though the bones were sucked so dry that one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet done with, but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when our miser had a sufficient quant.i.ty, they must be chopped up fine and all the fat that remained boiled out of them. I know not whether this was used for seasoning soup or greasing shoes. But on fast-days, of which there happened more than enough, and which were all religiously observed (for therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of our teeth on stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other decayed marine creatures: for he bought all with regard to cheapness only, and grudged not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and to pick up what the fishmongers themselves were about to throw away.

Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer which wellnigh burst my belly, and yet must pa.s.s as fine old October.

Besides all this, I learned from his German servant that in summer-time 'twas yet worse: for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner and a handful of salad at supper. So I asked him why did he stay with the old miser. He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must count more on the drink-money of travellers than on that mouldy old Jew, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the cellar-key, for he grudged them even a drop of wine, and, in a word, was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find; what I had seen up till now, said he, was nothing: if I did but stay there for a while I should perceive that he was not ashamed to skin a flea for its fat. Once, said he, the old fellow had brought home six pounds of tripe or chitterlings and put it in his larder: but to the great delight of his children the grating chanced to be open: so they tied a tablespoon to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out 'twas the cat had done it.

That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so much as his chitterlings.

Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students, however much it might cost: and there 'twas certainly more royal fare; yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways--first in fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our appet.i.te: yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal. His wine, too, was well watered and not of a kind to aid digestion: and the cheese which was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch b.u.t.ter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at breakfast; as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it was ripe and fit to eat; and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear: but secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way.

Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present: this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have game to our dinner: but the German servant said to me we need not lick our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders that he need not serve them such dainties; I should go to the Old Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for sale. So I cut a bit out of the hare's ear, and as we sat at our midday meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would follow me; for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get the hare too. Every one of them consented; for they had long desired to play our host a trick of which he could not complain. So that afternoon we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a farthing. There we found him in talk with some of the n.o.bles. Now I had engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to say, "Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property: last night 'twas s.n.a.t.c.hed out of my window, and if thou give it not up willingly, 'tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court." The huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter: for there stood the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell; and he could surely not have stolen it. So as they disputed, they gathered a crowd round them; which when our miser was ware of and saw which way the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame. But the fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he was right and voted him the hare. Meanwhile I drew near with my company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we were agreed I presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it served up at our table: but the fellow I had engaged with I paid, instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer.

So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh: and had I meant to stay longer in his house, I would have shewn him a few more such tricks.

BOOK IV

_Chap. i._: HOW AND FOR WHAT REASON THE HUNTSMAN WAS JOCKEYED AWAY INTO FRANCE

If you sharpen a razor too much you will notch the edge, and if you overbend the bow, at last 'twill break. The trick I played on my host with the hare was not enough for me, but I devised others to punish his insatiable greed. So did I teach the boarders to water the salted b.u.t.ter and so to get rid of the overplus salt; yea, and to grate the hard cheese like the Parmesans and moisten it with wine, all which things were to the miser like stabs in his heart. Nay, by my conjuring tricks at table I drew the water out of the wine, and made a song in which I compared the skinflint to a sow, from which there was no good to be looked for till the butcher had her dead upon the trestles. And so I myself furnished the reason why he paid me, and that well, with the trick ye shall now hear: for 'twas not my business to play such pranks in his house.

The two young n.o.bles that were his boarders received a letter of exchange, and the command to go into France and there to learn the language, just at a time when our host's German groom was on his travels and elsewhere, and to the Italian, said he, he dared not trust his horses to him to take into France, for he knew little of him and feared he might forget to come back, and so should he lose his horses: and therefore he begged of me to do him the greatest service in the world and to accompany those two n.o.blemen with his horses as far as Paris, for in any case my suit could not be argued before four weeks were over; and he for his part would, if I would give him full powers, so faithfully further my interests as if I were there in person present. The young n.o.blemen besought me also to the same end, and mine own desire to see France counselled me thereto: for now could I do this without special expense, and otherwise must spend those four weeks in idleness and spend money too. So I took to the road with my two n.o.blemen, riding as their postilion; and on the way there happened to me nothing of note. But when we came to Paris and there put up at the house of our host's correspondent, where also the young n.o.blemen had their letter of exchange honoured, the very next day not only was I with the horses arrested, but a fellow that gave out that my host owed him a sum of money seized upon the beasts, with the leave of the commissary of the Quartier, and sold them. The Lord only doth know what I said to all this: but there I sat like a graven image and could not help myself, far less devise how I could return along a road so long and at that time so dangerous. The two n.o.blemen shewed me great sympathy, and therefore honourably gave me a larger gratification: nor would they have me leave them before I should find either a good master or a good opportunity to return to Germany. So they hired them a lodging, and for some days I stayed with them to wait upon one of them, which by reason of the long journey, as being unused thereto, was indisposed. And as I shewed myself so polite to him he gave to me all the clothing he put off: for he would be clad in the newest mode. Their counsel was, I should stay a couple of years in Paris, and learn the language: for what I had to fetch from Cologne would not run away. So as I halted between two opinions and knew not what to do, the doctor which came every day to cure my sick n.o.bleman heard me once play on the lute and sing a German ditty to it, which pleased him so that he offered me a good salary, together with board at his own table, if I would live with him and teach his two sons: for he knew better than I how my affairs stood and that I should not refuse a good master. Thus were we soon agreed, for, both the n.o.blemen furthered the business all they could, and greatly recommended me: yet would I not engage myself save from one quarter of a year to the next.

The doctor spoke German as well as I did and Italian like his mother tongue: and therefore I was the more pleased to take service with him: and as I sat at my last meal with my n.o.blemen, he was there too, and there all manner of sad fancies came into my head: for I thought of my newly wedded wife, the ensigncy promised me, and my treasure at Cologne, all which I let myself so easily be persuaded to leave: and as we came to speak of our former host I had a whim, and said I over the table, "Who knoweth whether, perhaps, our host have not of intention trepanned me hither that he may claim and keep my property at Cologne?"

The doctor answered it might very well be so, especial if he deemed me a fellow of no family. "Nay," said one of the n.o.bles, "if our friend was sent here to the end he should stay here, 'twas done because he so plagued the host on account of his avarice." "Nay," said the sick man, "I believe there is another reason: for as I stood of late in my chamber I heard the host talk loud with his Italian man; so I listened to hear what 'twas all about, and at last from the servant's broken German I understood that the huntsman had accused him to the man's wife of not tending the horses well: all which the jealous knave, by reason of the man's imperfect speech, understood wrongly and in a dishonourable way, and therefore told the Italian he need but wait, for the huntsman should presently be gone." Since then, too, he had looked askance upon his wife and grumbled at her more than before, which I had myself remarked in the fool. Then said the doctor, "From whatever cause 'twas done, I am content that matters have so turned out that he must remain here. But be not dismayed; I will at the first good opportunity help you back to Germany. Only write ye to the man at Cologne to have a care of the money, or he will be called sharply to account. And this also doth raise suspicion in me that 'tis a plot--namely, that he that gave himself out for the creditor is a very good friend both of your host and of his correspondent here, and I do believe the bond, on which he seized and sold the horses, was brought here by yourself."

_Chap. ii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND A BETTER HOST THAN BEFORE

So Monsieur Canard (for so was my new master called) offered to help me in word and deed, that I might not lose my property at Cologne; for he saw how much it troubled me. So as soon as he had me to his house, he begged I would tell him exactly how my affairs stood, that he might understand and so devise how I might best be helped. Thereupon I thought 'twould avail me little if I revealed mine own poor birth, and so gave out I was a poor German n.o.bleman that had neither father nor mother, but only some kinsfolk in a fortress wherein was a Swedish garrison; all which, said I, I had perforce concealed from my host at Cologne and my two n.o.blemen, as being all of the emperor's party, that they might not confiscate my money as the enemy's property. My intention it was, said I, to write to the commandant of the said fortress, in whose regiment I had been promised an ensigncy, and not only inform him in what fas.h.i.+on I had been deluded hither but also to beg him to have the goodness to take possession of my property, and in the meantime, until I could find opportunity to return to my regiment, to put it at the disposition of my friends. This plan the good Canard thought good, and promised me to forward the letters to their proper place though it were in Mexico or even in China. Accordingly I prepared letters to my wife, to my father-in-law, and to the colonel S(aint) A(ndre), commandant in Lippstadt, to whom I addressed the whole packet, and enclosed the two others. The contents were: that I would present myself again as speedily as might be, if only I could get the means to perform so long a journey, and begged both my father-in-law and the colonel to do their best to endeavour to recover my property by military process before the gra.s.s was grown over it, and gave them a full list of the amounts in gold, silver, and jewels. All these letters I drew up in duplicate: and one copy Monsieur Canard took charge of: the other copy I did entrust to the post, that if one copy should go astray, the other at least might arrive safely.

So now was I at ease in my mind again, and was the more able to teach my master's two sons, which were brought up like young princes: for because Monsieur Canard was rich, therefore was he beyond all measure proud, and must make a display; the which disease he had taken from the great men, with whom he daily had to do, and aped their ways. His house was like a prince's court, of which it wanted nothing save that none ever called him "gracious sir," and his conceit was so great that he would treat a marquis, when such came to visit him, as no better than himself. He was ready to help poor folk, and would take no small fees, but forgave them the money that his name might be more renowned. And because I was ever desirous of knowledge, and because I knew that he made much show of my person when I followed him with his other servants on a visit to some great man, I would help him in his laboratory in the preparation of his medicines. Thus was I become well acquainted with him, and that the more because it ever pleased him to speak the German tongue: so once on a time I said to him, why did he not write himself down as "of" his n.o.bleman's residence which he had newly bought near Paris for 20,000 crowns, and why he would make simple doctors of his sons and would have them to study so hard. Were it not better, since he himself had a t.i.tle of n.o.bility, to buy them offices, as did other chevaliers, and so bring them entirely into the cla.s.s of n.o.bles? "Nay,"

he answered, "if I visit a prince, to me 'tis said, 'Master doctor, be seated,' but to a n.o.bleman, 'Wait thy turn!'" So said I, "But doth the doctor not know that a physician hath three faces--the first, an angel's, when the sick man sees him first; the second, G.o.d's own, when he can help the sick; and the third, the devil's own, when a man is healed and can be rid of him? And so this honour of which ye speak doth but last so long as the sick man is plagued in his belly: but when 'tis over and the grumbling past there hath the honour an end, and 'Master Doctor,' quoth'a, 'there is the door!' And so the n.o.bleman hath more honour in standing than the doctor in sitting, namely, because he waiteth ever on his own prince and hath the honour never to leave his side. Did ye not of late Master Doctor, take of a prince's excrement into your mouth to try the taste? Now I do say, I would sooner stand and wait for ten years than meddle with another man's dung, yea, even though I was bidden to be seated on beds of roses." To that he answered, "That I need not to have done, but did it willingly, that the prince might see how desperate anxious I was to understand his condition, and so my fee might be greater: and why should I not meddle with another's dirt, that payeth me perhaps a hundred pistoles for it, and I pay him naught that must eat filth of another kind at my bidding?

Ye talk of the thing like a German: and were ye not a German I had said, ye talk like a fool."

With that saying I was content, for I saw he would presently be angry, and to bring him again into a good humour I begged him he would forgive my simplicity and began to talk of pleasanter matters.

_Chap. iii._: HOW HE BECAME A STAGE PLAYER AND GOT HIMSELF A NEW NAME