The Adventurous Simplicissimus being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim Part 8

Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me; for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who was in there. So I answered: "Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in here." And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did, and I answered, "Sorrily enough." So they asked why, and I said, "For this reason, that here it is the fas.h.i.+on to shut up honest calves in goose-pens. Ye rogues must know that a proper ox will in due time come of me; and so must I be brought up as becometh an honourable steer."

So after this brief discourse they had me with them across the street to the Governor's quarters: a great crowd of boys following us, and inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, the very blind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calves was being driven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a pack of young fools and old.

Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the world as if they had taken me as plunder: them he rewarded with a gratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have about him. So I thought of the Goldsmith's[11] apprentice and answered thus: "Good, my lord, but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we calves can endure no such treatment if we are to grow and to turn into fine heads of cattle." The Governor promised me better things, and thought himself a clever fellow to have made so presentable a fool out of me. "But no," thought I, "wait thou, my dear master; I have endured the trial by fire and therein have I been hardened: now will we try which of us two can best trick the other."

Now just then a peasant that had fled into the city was driving his cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but they, when I came to them, were more terrified at me than a wolf, albeit I wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and scattered so quickly from one another as if a hornet's nest had been let loose among them in August, so that their master could not again bring them together at the same place: which occasioned pretty sport.

And in a wink a crowd of folk ran together to see this fool's j.a.pe, and as my lord laughed till he was fit to burst, at last he said, "Truly one fool maketh a hundred more."

But I thought to myself, "Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine own self."

And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my part had a scoffing nickname for every one: which same, according to the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily; for I christened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men the cleverest.

The said jest which I played with the peasant's cattle made a short forenoon still shorter; for 'twas then about the winter solstice. At dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man's food or drink: for I said roundly I would have only gra.s.s, which at that time 'twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulled over the heads of two little boys: and these he set by me at table, and for a first course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fall to l.u.s.tily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with salt to eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this, but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better.

"Of a certainty," said they, when they saw me so unmoved, "'tis no new thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese, and b.u.t.ter; yea, and at times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays the beasts do know what is good. Ay, and 'tis nowadays come to that, that but little difference is to be found between them and mankind. Wilt thou not play thy part therein?" And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was hungry, and not because I had before seen with mine own eyes how men could be more swinish than pigs, more savage than lions, more l.u.s.tful than goats, more envious than dogs, more unruly than horses, more stupid than a.s.ses, more mad for drink than the brutes, craftier than foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonous than asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men's food, and only by their shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in respect of innocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I ate my fill with my fellow calves as much as my appet.i.te demanded: and if a stranger had unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without doubt he had imagined that Circe of old had risen up again to turn men into beasts; which art my master then knew and practised. And as I took my dinner, so was I treated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests or parasites fed with me, so must they with me to bed, though my lord would not permit that I should pa.s.s the night in the cow-byre. Now all this I did to befool them that would have held me for a fool, and this sure conclusion did I make, that the most gracious G.o.d doth lend and impart to every man in his station to which He hath called him, so much wit as he hath need of there to maintain himself: yea, and moreover, that many do vainly imagine, doctors though they be or not, that they alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade, whereas there be as many good fish[12] in the sea yet.

_Chap. viii._: DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS

Now when I awaked next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up and away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him I told all that had happened to me, as well in heaven as in h.e.l.l. So when he saw that it vexed my conscience that I should deceive so many folk, and specially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, "why, upon that point," says he, "thou needest not to trouble thyself: this foolish world will be befooled; and if they have left thee thy wits, so use thou those same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine to thyself as if thou, like to the Ph[oe]nix, hast been newly born from folly to understanding through fire, and so to a new human life. Yet know thou withal thou art not yet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason hast slipped into this fool's cap. Yea, and these times be so out of joint that none can know whether thou yet escape without loss of thy life. For a man can run quickly into h.e.l.l, but to get out again doth need a deal of puffing and blowing: and thou art not yet--no, not by a long way--man enough to escape the danger that lies before thee, as well thou mightest suppose. So wilt thou have need of more foresight and wit than in those days when thou knewest not what reason or unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turn of the tide."

Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I fancied myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit and art slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face, that he was sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed what part had he in me? With that I changed my discourse also, and busied myself to give him great thanks for the excellent remedies which he had imparted to me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made him impossible promises to repay him all that my debt to him demanded.

Now this tickled him and brought him again to a different humour, wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis had perfected, and that not without great pains, whereby he could teach men at the repeating of a single word to recount all that they had ever heard or read, and such a thing, said he, "were not possible without medicines to strengthen the head such as he had ministered to me."

"Yea," thought I, "my good master parson: yet have I read in thine own books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a different tale of that wherein the Skepsian's mnemonic did consist."

Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth, 'twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30,000 soldiers by his right name; how Lucius Scipio could do the like with every citizen of Rome; and how Cineas, Pyrrhus's amba.s.sador, on the very day after he came to Rome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators, and n.o.bles. Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm men speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister judgment in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately. So, too, the learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know out of all the books in a whole library if he had but read them once through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000 names in order if they were once recited before him and, as Ravisius tells, could repeat 200 verses spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to the first. So Esdras knew the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictate the same word by word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year did learn the Persian Speech, and Cra.s.sus, in Asia, could talk the five separate dialects of the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects.

Julius Caesar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences.

The holy Jerome knew both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median, Arabic and Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by heart only from hearing it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican that he could hear 6000 men's names recited and thereafter repeat them in proper order.

"And all this I tell thee," said he further, "that thou mayest not hold it for an impossible thing that a man's memory should be excellently strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the other hand, be in many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed. For in man there is no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason of sickness, terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it either vanisheth away or loseth a great part of its virtue. So do we read of a learned man at Athens that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot all he had ever learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason of sickness, came to this, that he forgot his own servant's name: and Messala Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory.

And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a year's time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place and the same time, could again write and read. So if a man eat bear's brains, 'tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as if he himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a Spanish n.o.bleman who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and could believe nought else but that he was a bear. My good Simplicissimus, had thy master but known this art, thou mightest well have been changed into a bear like Callisto, rather than into a bull like Jupiter."

The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come.

So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one hundred boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like calves: insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the window, and when he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh heartily thereat.

_Chap. ix._: CROOKED PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY

Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the parlour, for there were n.o.ble ladies with my lord which desired much to see and to hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like a dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took occasion to say she had been told this calf could speak, but now she did plainly perceive 'twas not true. Whereto I made answer I had also heard apes could not speak, but now could plainly hear 'twas not so.

"What;" says my lord, "opinest thou, then, that these ladies be apes?"

So I answered, "Be they not so already, yet they soon will be: for who knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expected to become a calf; and yet am I that same."

Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should become apes: so I answered him, "Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts naked, but these ladies do so carry their bosom: which other maidens be wont to cover."

"Ah, rogue," saith my lord, "thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what 'tis worth men's while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein thou hast offended: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt thee to thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is becoming."

So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again from foot to head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would take her to wife: and at last, "Sir," said I, "I see clearly where the fault lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. The villain hath left those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast, below in the skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botcher should have his hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this." And "Lady,"

quoth I to her, "be rid of him, or he will shame you; and have a care that you do deal with my dad's tailor, which same was hight Master Powle: for he could fas.h.i.+on fine plaited gowns for my mammy, our Ann, and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believe what fine clothes he would make for the hussies."

So says my lord, "Were now thy father's Ann and thy father's Ursula handsomer than these ladies;"

"Nay," said I, "my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair as yellow as sulphur, and the parting of her hair so white and smooth as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom; yea, and her hair so sweetly done up in rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yea, and as if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a dozen of sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! is it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man's skull that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 'Tis pity indeed that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady had the king's evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour; and this were surely pity: for look upon those sparkling eyes: they s.h.i.+ne as black as did the soot on my dad's chimney; for that did use to s.h.i.+ne so terribly when our Ann stood there before it with a wisp of straw to warm the room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters with which the Swabian waggoners at Ulm did truss up their breeches.

Yet the bright red which she hath on her lips doth far surpa.s.s the colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (I pray my masters give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rows of teeth, so orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut out of a white turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any one should feel pain if thou shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, her neck is as white as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of like colour. And oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they be so slender, so long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the world like a gipsy's fingers, ready to thrust into any man's pockets and there go a-fis.h.i.+ng."

With that there arose such a laughter that none could hear me, nor I talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mocked by others so long as I would, and no longer.

_Chap. x._: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS

Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service: for now had I made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his vices, and if there were any that shewed displeasure, then was he laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at once. Yet the first who (at my lord's nod) did answer me reasonably was the secretary; for when I called him a "t.i.tle-forger" and asked what t.i.tle, then, had our first father Adam, "Thou talkest," answered he, "like an unreasoning calf: for thou knowest not how after our first parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in such wise enn.o.ble themselves and their family that they by others were exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be G.o.ds: and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his t.i.tle of honour; but since thou art but a calf, and so neither worthy nor capable of human honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to the n.o.ble human race that wherein it can rejoice."

So I answered: "I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so n.o.ble and what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give n.o.bility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them?

And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a stockfish and thy mother a plaice."

"Oho!" answered the secretary, "if the matter is to be settled by our reviling of each other, then can I cast in thy teeth thy father was but a clownish peasant of the Spessart, and though in thy home and in thy family there be many famous blockheads, yet thou hast made thyself yet lower, seeing that thou art become an unreasoning calf."

So I answered: "Thou art right; 'tis even that that that I would maintain; namely, that the virtues of the parents descend not always to the children, and that therefore the children be not always worthy of their parent's t.i.tles of honour. For me it is no shame to have become a calf, seeing that in such case I have the honour to follow the great king Nebuchadnezzar. Who knoweth whether it may not please G.o.d that I, like him, may again become a man, yea, and a far greater one than my dad? Yet do I praise those only that by their own virtues do make themselves n.o.bles."

"Let it be so for the sake of argument," said the secretary, "that the children should not always inherit the t.i.tles of their parents, yet thou must acknowledge that they are worthy of all praise which do earn their n.o.bility by a good conduct: and if that be so, it followeth that we do rightly honour the children for the parents' sake, since the apple falleth not far from the tree. And who would not honour in the descendants of Alexander the Great, if such there were to hand, their ancient forefather's high courage in the wars. For this man shewed in his youth his desire for fighting, in that he wept (though not yet able to bear arms) grieving lest his father might conquer all and leave him nothing to subdue. Did not he before the thirtieth year of his age overcome all the world and wish for another to conquer? Did not he in a battle against the Indians, when he was deserted by his men, for sheer rage sweat blood? And was he not so terrible to look upon (as though he were all begirt with flames of fire) that even the savages must flee before him in battle? Who would not esteem him higher and n.o.bler than other men, of whom Quintus Curtius tells that his breath was like perfume and his sweat like musk and that his dead body smelt of precious spiceries? Here could I cite the case of Julius Caesar and Pompeius, of whom the one, besides the victories which he won in the civil wars, did fifty times engage in pitched battles, and defeated and slew 1,520,000 men: while the other, besides the taking of 940 s.h.i.+ps from the pirates, did from the Alps to the uttermost parts of Spain capture and subdue 376 cities and towns. Lucius Siccius, the Roman people's tribune, was engaged in 120 pitched battles, and did eight times conquer them that challenged him: he could shew forty-five scars on his body, and those all in front and none behind: with nine generals-in-chief did he enter Rome in their triumphs, which they did clearly earn by their courage. Yea, and Manlius Capitolinus's honour in war were no less had he not at the end of his life himself abased his fame: for he too could shew thirty-three scars, without counting that he once did alone save the capitol with all its treasures from the French. What of Hercules the Strong and Theseus and the rest, whose undying praise it is well-nigh impossible both to describe and to tell of? Should not these be honoured in their descendants? But I will pa.s.s over war and weapons and turn to the arts, which, though they seem to make less noise in the world, yet do achieve great fame for the masters of them. What skill do we find in Zeuxis, which by his ingenious brain and skilful hand did deceive the very birds of the air; and likewise in Apelles, who did paint a Venus so natural, so fine, so exquisite, and in all features so nice and so delicate that all bachelors did fall in love with her! Doth not Plutarch tell us how Archimedes did draw with one hand and by a single rope through the midst of the marketplace at Syracuse a great s.h.i.+p laden with merchants' ware as if he had but led a packhorse by the bridle? which thing not twenty oxen, to say nothing of two hundred calves like thee, could have effected. And should not this honest craftsman be endowed with a t.i.tle of honour fitted to his art?

This Archimedes made a mirror wherewith he could set on fire an enemy's wars.h.i.+p in mid-sea. And who would not praise him which first did invent letters? Yea, who would not exalt him far above all artists who devised the n.o.ble and, for all the world, useful art of printing? If Ceres was accounted a G.o.ddess because she is said to have invented agriculture and the grinding of corn, why were it not fair that others should have their praise with t.i.tles of honour allowed them? Yet in truth it mattereth little whether thou, thou stupid calf, canst take such things into thy unreasoning bullock's brain or not. For 'tis with thee as with the dog which lay in the manger and would not let the ox eat of the hay, yet could not enjoy the same himself: thou art capable of no honour, and for that very cause thou grudgest such to those that do deserve it."

With all this I found myself sorely bestead, yet made answer: "These mighty deeds were indeed highly to be praised were they not accomplished with the destruction and damage of other men. But what manner of praise is this which is stained with the bloodshed of so many innocents; and what manner of n.o.bility that which is achieved and won by the ruin of so many thousand other folk! And as concerns the arts, what be they save merely vanities and follies! Yea, they be as vain, idle, and unprofitable as the t.i.tle of honour which might come to any man from these craftsmen; for they do but serve the greed, or the l.u.s.t, or the luxury, or the corruption of others, like to those vile guns which lately I beheld on their half-waggons. Yea, and well could we spare both printing and writing, according to the sentence and opinion of that holy man who held that the whole wide world was book enough for him, wherein to study the wonders of his Creator and thereupon to recognise the almighty power of G.o.d."

_Chap. xi._: OF THE TOILSOME AND DANGEROUS OFFICE OF A GOVERNOR

Then my lord would also have his jest with me, and said: "I do well perceive that because thou trustest not thyself to be of gentle birth, therefore thou despisest the honourable t.i.tles of gentility." "Sir,"

answered I, "if I could at this very hour enter upon your place of honour, yet would I not take it."

My lord laughed and said; "That I believe, for for the ox his oaten straw is well enough: but an thou hadst a high spirit such as hearts of gentles should have, then wouldst thou with zeal aspire to high honours and dignities. I for my part count it no small thing that fortune raises me above my fellows."

Then did I sigh, and "O toilsome felicity!" said I. "Sir, I a.s.sure you, ye are the most miserable man in Hanau."