The Adventurous Simplicissimus being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim Part 9

"How so; how so, calf?" said my lord. "Give me thy reasons, for such I find not in myself."

So I answered, "If you know not and feel not that you are Governor in Hanau, and with how many cares and uneasiness in that account burdened, then either the devouring thirst of honour blinds you or else are you of iron and quite insensible; ye have, 'tis true, the right to command, and whosoever comes within your ken the same must obey you. But do they serve ye for naught? Are ye not all men's servant? Must ye not specially take care for each and all? See, ye are girded round with foes, and the safeguarding of this stronghold depends on you alone.

Ever must ye be devising how to do some damage to your opposites: and therein must ever be on your guard that your plans be not spied upon.

Must ye not often stand on guard like a common sentinel? Besides, ye must ever be concerned that there be no failure in money, ammunition, food and folk, and for that reason be ever holding the whole land to contribution by continual exactions and extortions. Send ye your men out to such an end, then is robbery, plunder, stealing, burning, and murder their highest task. Even now of late they have plundered Orb, captured Braunfels, and laid Staden in ashes. Thence 'tis true they brought back booty, but ye have laid on them a grievous responsibility before G.o.d. I grant this, that those enjoyments which accompany thine honour do please thee well; but knowest thou who will enjoy such treasures as doubtless thou gatherest? And granted that such riches remain thine (whereof a man may doubt), yet must thou leave them in this world and takest nothing with thee but the sin whereby thou hast gained them. And even if thou hast the good luck to enjoy thy booty, yet thou dost but spend the sweat and blood of the poor, who do now in misery suffer want or even perish and die of hunger. How often do I see that thy thoughts, by reason of the cares of thine office, are distracted hither and thither, while I and other calves do sleep in peace without any care, and if thou dost not so, it shall cost thee thy head if aught be overlooked that should have been provided for the preservation of thy subject people and this fortress. Look you, I am raised above such cares! and so, knowing that I do owe the debt of death to nature, I fear not lest an enemy should storm my stall or lest I should have with pains to fight for life. If I die young, so am I delivered from the toilsome life of a yoke-ox. But for thee men lay snares in a thousand fas.h.i.+ons: and therefore is thy life naught but a continual care and sleeplessness; for thou must fear both friend and foe, which be ever devising to cheat thee of thy life or thy money, or thy reputation or thy command, or somewhat else whatever it be; even as thou thinkest to do by others. The enemy doth attack thee openly: and thy supposed friends do secretly envy thee thy good luck, and even as regards thy subjects art thou in no manner of safety.

"I say naught of this, that daily thy burning desires do torment thee and drive thee hither and thither, whilst thou plannest to gain for thyself still greater name and fame, to rise higher in rank, to gather greater riches, to play the enemy a trick, to surprise this or that place; in a word, to do wellnigh everything that may vex others and prove harmful to thine own soul and grievous to G.o.d's majesty. Yea, and the worst is this, that thou art so spoiled by thy flatterers that thou knowest not thyself, but art by them so captivated and drugged that thou canst not see the dangerous way thou goest; for all that thou doest they say is right and all thy vices are by them turned into virtues and so proclaimed; thy cruelty is to them stern justice: and when thou plunderest land and folk, thou art a brave soldier, say they, and do urge thee on to others' harm, that they may keep in thy favour and fill their purses too."

"Thou malingerer," said my lord, "who taught thee so to preach?"

"Good my lord," answered I, "say I not truly that thou art so spoiled by thine ear-wiggers and sycophants that already thou art past help?

Whereas contrariwise other folk do soon detect thy faults and condemn thee not only in high and mighty matters, but find enough to blame in thee in small things which are of little account. And of this hast thou not examples enough in the case of great men of old time? So the Lacedaemonians railed at their own Lycurgus for walking with his head bowed: the Romans deemed it a foul fault in Scipio that he snored so loud in his sleep: it seemed to them an ugly fault in Pompey that he did scratch himself but with one finger: at Caesar they mocked for wearing his girdle awry; and the good Cato was slandered for eating too greedily with both jaws at once; yea, the Carthaginians spoke evil of Hannibal for going with his breast bare and uncovered. How think ye now, my dear master? Think ye I would change places with one that, besides twelve or thirteen boon companions, flatterers and parasites, hath more than one hundred, yea, 'tis like enough more than ten thousand, both open and secret foes, slanderers, and malicious enviers?

Besides, what happiness, what pleasure, and what joy can such a head have under whose care, protection, and guard so many men do live? Is't not a duty laid upon thee to watch for all thy folk, to care for them, and listen to each one's complaints and grievances? Were that not of itself troublesome enough even though thou hadst neither foes nor secret enemies? I can see well enough how hard 'tis for thee and yet how many grievances thou must endure. And, good my lord, what in the end will be thy reward? Tell me what hast thou for it all? If thou canst not say, then suffer the Grecian Demosthenes to tell thee, who after he had bravely and loyally furthered and defended the common weal and rights of the Athenians, was, contrary to all law and justice, banished the land and driven into miserable exile as an evil-doer. So Socrates was requited with poison, and Hannibal so ill rewarded by his countrymen that he must wander in the world as a poor wretched outlaw; yea, the Greeks repaid Lycurgus in such fas.h.i.+on that he was stoned and had an eye beaten out. Do thou, therefore, keep thy high office to thyself, with the reward thou wilt have from it: seek not to share it with me; for even if all go well with thee, yet hast thou naught to carry home with thee but an ill conscience. And if thou art minded to obey that conscience, then wilt thou be quickly deposed from thy commands as incapable, for all the world as if thou too wert become a stupid calf."

While I thus spake, the rest of the company looked hard upon me and wondered much that I should be able to hold such discourse, which, as they openly confessed, would have taxed the wits of a man of sense if he had been forced so to speak without preparation.

_Chap. xii._: OF THE SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE OF CERTAIN UNREASONING ANIMALS

So I ended my discourse thus: "Therefore," said I, "my excellent master, will I not change with thee: for indeed I have no call to do so since the brook affords me a healthy drink instead of thy costly wines; and He who allowed me to be turned into a calf will also in such wise know how to bless the fruits of the earth to my use, that they be to me as to Nebuchadnezzar, no unfitting provision for food and sustenance: even so hath nature provided me with a good coat of fur; while as for thee, often thou loathest thy meat, thy wine splitteth thy head, and soon will bring thee into one sickness or another."

Then my lord answered: "I know not what I have in thee; meseemeth thou art for a calf far too wise: nay, I do surmise thou hast under that calf-skin clad thyself with a rogue-skin."

With that I made as if I were angry, and said: "Do ye men think, then, that we beasts be all fools? That may ye not imagine. I do maintain that if older beasts could speak as well as I, that they would tell you a very different story. If ye deem we are so stupid, then tell me who hath taught the wild wood-pigeons, the jays, the blackbirds, and the partridges to purge themselves with laurel-leaves, and doves, turtle-doves, and fowls with dandelions. Who teacheth cat and dog to eat the dewy gra.s.s when they desire to purge a full belly? Who hath taught the tortoise to heal a bite with hemlock or the stag when he is shot to have recourse to the dictamnus or calamint? Who taught the weasel to use the rue when she will fight with bat or snake? Who maketh the wild boar to know the ivy and the bear the mandrake, and saith to them it is their medicine? Who giveth the swallow to understand that she should heal her fledglings' dim eyes with chelidonium? Who did instruct the snake to eat of fennel when she will cast her slough and heal her darkened eyes? Who teacheth the stork to purge himself, the pelican to let himself blood and the bear to get himself scarified by bees? Nay, I might almost say, ye men have learned your arts and sciences from us beasts. Ye eat and drink yourselves to death, and that we beasts do never do. Lion or wolf, when he is by way of growing too fat, then he fasteth till again he is thin, active, and healthy. And which party dealeth most wisely herein? Yea, above and beyond all this, consider the fowls of the air; regard the various architecture of their cunning nests, and inasmuch as all your labours can never imitate them, therefore ye must acknowledge they be both wiser and more ingenious than ye men yourselves. Who telleth to our summer birds when they should come to us for the spring and hatch their young, or for the autumn, when they should again betake themselves from us to warmer climes? Who teacheth them they must choose a gathering-place to that end? Who leadeth them or sheweth them the way? Do ye men lend them, perchance, a compa.s.s that they fall not out by the way? Nay, my good friends, they do know the way without your help, and how long they must spend therein, and when they must depart from this place and the other, and therefore have no need of your compa.s.s nor your almanack. Further, behold the industrious spider, whose web is wellnigh a miracle: look if you find a singly knot in all her weaving. What hunter or fisher hath taught her how to spread her net, and when she hath laid that net to catch her prey, to set herself either in the furthest corner or else full in the centre? Ye men do admire the raven of whom Plutarchus writeth that he threw into a vessel that was half full of water so many stones that the water rose until he could conveniently drink thereof.

What would ye do if ye were to dwell among the beasts and there behold all the rest of their dealings, their doings, and their not-doings?

Then at all events would ye acknowledge 'twas plain that all beasts had somewhat of especial natural vigour and virtue in all their desires and instincts, as being now prudent, now strenuous, now gentle, now timid, now fierce, for your learning and instruction. Each knoweth the other; they discern each from other; they seek after that which is useful to them, flee from what is harmful, avoid danger, gather together what is necessary for their sustenance--yea, and at times do befool you men yourselves. Therefore have many ancient philosophers seriously pondered of such matters and have not been ashamed to question and to dispute whether unreasoning brutes might not have understanding. But I care not to speak further of these matters: get ye to the bees and see how they make wax and honey, and then come again and tell me how ye think of it."

_Chap. xiii._: OF VARIOUS MATTERS WHICH WHOEVER WILL KNOW MUST EITHER READ THEM OR HAVE THEM READ TO HIM

Thereupon various judgments were p.r.o.nounced upon me by my lord's guests. The Secretaries were of opinion I should be counted a fool because I esteemed myself a reasoning beast, and because they that had a tile or two slipped, and yet seemed to themselves wise, were the most complete and comical fools of all. Others said, if 'twere possible to drive out of me the idea that I was a calf, or one could persuade me I was again turned into a man, I should surely be held reasonable, or at least sane enough. But my lord himself said, "I hold him for a fool because he telleth every man the truth so shamelessly; yet are his speeches so ordered that they belong to no fool." (Now all this they spake in Latin, that I might not understand.) Then he asked me, had I studied while I was yet a man? I answered, I knew not what study was "but, dear sir," said I further, "tell me what manner of things are these studs with which men study? Speakest thou, perchance, of the b.a.l.l.s with which men bowl." Then answered he they called the "mad ensign," "What will ye with the fellow? 'a hath a devil, 'a is possessed? 'tis sure the devil talking through his mouth." And on that my lord took occasion to ask me, since I had been turned into a calf, whether I still was accustomed to pray like other men and trusted to go to heaven. "Surely," answered I, "Yet have I my immortal human soul, which, as thou canst easily believe, will not lightly desire to come to h.e.l.l again, specially since I fared therein so evilly once before. I am but changed as once was Nebuchadnezzar, and in G.o.d's good time I might well become a man again." "And I hope thou mayst," said my lord, with a pretty deep sigh, whereupon I might easily judge that he repented him of having allowed me to be driven mad. "But let us hear," he went on, "how art thou wont to pray?" So I kneeled down and raised my eyes and hands to heaven in good hermit fas.h.i.+on, and because my lord's repentance which I had perceived touched my heart with exceeding comfort, I could not refrain my tears, and so to outward appearance prayed with deepest reverence, after the Paternoster, for all Christendom, for my friends and my enemies, and that G.o.d would vouchsafe to me so to live in this world that I might be worthy to praise Him in eternal bliss. My hermit had taught me such a prayer in devout and well-ordered words. At that some soft-hearted onlookers were also nigh to weeping, for they had great pity for me, yea, my lord's own eyes were full of water.

After dinner my lord sends for the pastor, and to him he told all that I had uttered, and gave him to understand that he was concerned lest all was not well[13] with me, and perchance the devil had a finger in the pie, seeing that at first I had shewn myself altogether simple and ignorant yet now could utter things to make men wonder. The pastor, who knew my qualities better than any other, answered, that should have been thought on before 'twas allowed to make me a fool, for "men," said he, "were made in the image of G.o.d, and with such, and especially with such tender youth, one must not make sport as with beasts": yet would he never believe 'twas permitted to the evil spirit to interfere, seeing that I had ever commended myself to G.o.d with fervent prayer. Yet if against all likelihood such a thing were decreed and permitted, then had men a sore account to answer for before G.o.d, inasmuch as there would scarcely be greater sin than for one man to rob another of his reason and thus withdraw him from the praise and service of G.o.d, whereto he was chiefly created. "I gave ye beforehand my a.s.surance,"

said he, "that he had wit enough, but that he could not fit himself to the world was caused by this, that he was brought up first with his father, a rough peasant, and then with your brother-in-law in the wilderness, in all simplicity. Had folk had but a little patience with him at first, he would with time have learned a better carriage; he was but a simple, G.o.d-fearing child, such as the evil-disposed world knew not. Yet do I not doubt he can again be brought to his right mind, if we can but take from him this fantasy and bring him to believe no longer that he was turned into a calf. We read of one which did firmly believe he was changed into an earthen pot, and would beseech his friends to put him high on a shelf lest he should be trodden on and broken. Another did imagine he was a c.o.c.k, and in his infirmity crowed both day and night. And yet another fancied he was already dead and a wandering spirit, and therefore would partake of no medicine nor food nor drink, till a wise physician hired two fellows which gave themselves out likewise to be spirits, yet hearty drinkers, who joined themselves to him and persuaded him that nowadays spirits were wont to eat and drink, whereby he was brought to his senses. Yea, I myself had a sick peasant in my parish, who, when I visited him, complained to me he had three or four barrels of water in his body; and could he be rid of that he trusted to be well again, and begged me either to have him ripped up, that the water might run away, or have him hung up in the smoke to dry it up. So I spoke him fair, and persuaded him I could draw off the water from him in another fas.h.i.+on; and with that I took a tap such as we use for wine and beer-casks, bound a strip of pig's guts to it, and the other end I fastened to the bung hole of a great puncheon, which to that end I had had filled with water; then I pretended as if I had stuck the tap into his belly, which he had had swathed in rags lest it should burst. Then I let the water run out of the puncheon through tubes; whereat the poor creature rejoiced heartily and, throwing away his rags, was in a few days whole again. Again, one that imagined he had all manner of horse-furniture, bits and the like, in his body, was in this wise cured: for his physician, having given him a strong purge, conveyed such things into the night-stool so that the fellow must needs believe he was rid of them by the purging. So, too, they tell of one madman that believed his nose was so long that it reached to the ground: for him they hung a sausage to his nose, and cut it away by little and little till they came to the real nose: who, as soon as he felt the knife touch his flesh, cried out the nose was in its right shape again. And our good Simplicissimus can therefore be cured even as were these of whom I have spoken."

"All this can I believe," answered my master, "only this gives me concern, that he was before so ignorant, and now can talk of all matters, and that in such perfect fas.h.i.+on as one cannot easily find even among persons older, more practised, and better read than he is: for he hath told me of many properties of beasts, and described mine own person so exactly as he had been all his life in the busy world, so that I must needs wonder and hold his speeches wellnigh for an oracle or a warning of G.o.d."

"Sir," answered the pastor, "this may well be true and yet natural: I know that he is well read, seeing that he, as well as his hermit, went through all my books which I had, and which were not few; and because the lad hath a good memory, and is now at leisure in his mind and forgetful of his own person, therefore he can utter what aforetime he stored in his brain: and therefore I do cherish the firm hope that with time he may again be brought to right reason."

In this wise the pastor left the Governor between hope and fear: and me and my cause he defended in the best way, and gained for me days of happiness and for himself (by the way) access to the Governor. Their crowning resolve was this, to deal with me for a time quietly; and that the pastor did more for his own sake than mine, for by going to and fro and acting as if he bestirred himself for my sake and felt great care for me, he gained the Governor's favour, who gave him office and made him chaplain to the garrison, which in those hard times was no small matter: neither did I grudge it him.

_Chap. xiv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS LED THE LIFE OF A n.o.bLEMAN, AND HOW THE CROATS ROBBED HIM OF THIS WHEN THEY STOLE HIMSELF

So from this time forward I possessed in full the favour, grace, and love of my lord, of which I can boast with truth: nought I wanted to complete my good fortune but that my calfskin was too much and my years too little, though I knew it not myself. Besides, the pastor would not yet have me brought to my senses, but it seemed to him not yet time, neither as yet profitable for his interest. But my lord, seeing my taste for music, had me to learn it, and hired for me an excellent lute-player, whose art I presently well understood and in this excelled him, that I could sing to the lute better than he. So could I serve my lord for his pleasure, for his pastime, delight, and admiration.

Likewise all the officers shewed me their respect and goodwill, the richest burghers sent me gratifications, and the household, like the soldiers, wished me well because they saw how well inclined my master was to me. One treated me here, another there; for they knew that often jesters have more power with their masters than honest men: and to this end were all their gifts; for some gave to me lest I should slander them, others for that very reason--namely, that I should slander others for their sake. In which manner I put together a pretty sum of money, which for the most part I handed to the pastor; for I knew not yet to what end it could be used. And as none dared look at me askance, so from this time forward I had no jealousy, care, or trouble to encounter with. All my thoughts I gave to my music, and to devising how I might courteously point out to one and the other his failings. So I grew like a pig in clover, and my strength of body increased palpably: soon could one see that I was no longer starving my body in the wood with water and acorns and beech-nuts and roots and herbs, but that over a good meal I found the Rhenish wine and the Hanau double-beer to my taste, which was indeed in those miserable times to be accounted a great favour of G.o.d: for at that time all Germany was aflame with war and harried by hunger and pestilence, and Hanau itself besieged by the enemy, all which disturbed me not in the least. But after the raising of the siege my master designed to make a present of me either to Cardinal Richelieu or Duke Bernhard of Weimar, for besides that he hoped to earn great thanks for the gift, he said plainly 'twas not possible for him to bear the sight of me longer, because I presented to him in that fool's raiment the face of his lost sister, to whom I grew more like every day. In that the pastor opposed him, for he held that the time was not yet come when he was to do a miracle and make me a reasonable creature again, and therefore counselled the Governor he should have a couple of calfskins prepared and put on two other boys, and thereafter appoint some third person who, in the shape of a physician, prophet or conjurer, should strip me and the said two boys and pretend he could make beasts into men and men into beasts: in this manner I might be restored, and without great pains might be brought to believe I had, like others, again become a man. Which proposal when the Governor approved, the pastor told me what he had agreed with my master, and easily persuaded me to consent thereto. But envious Fortune would not so easily free me of my fool's clothes nor leave me longer to enjoy my n.o.ble life of pleasure. For while tanners and tailors were already at work on the apparel that appertained to this comedy, I was even then sporting with some other boys on the ice in front of the ramparts. And there some one, I know not who, brought upon us a party of Croats, which seized upon us all, set us upon certain riderless farm-horses which they had just stolen, and carried us all off together. 'Tis true they were at first in doubt whether to take me with them or not, till at last one said in Bohemian, "Mih werne daho blasna sebao, bowe deme ho gbabo Oberstowi" ("Take we the fool: bring we him to our colonel"). And another answered him, "Prschis am bambo ano, mi ho nagonie possadeime wan rosumi niemezki, won bude mit Kratock wille sebao" ("Yes, by G.o.d, set we him on the horse. The colonel speaks German: he will have sport with him"). So I must to horse, and must learn how a single unlucky hour can rob one of all welfare and so separate him from all luck and happiness that all his life he must bear the consequences.

_Chap. xv._: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' LIFE WITH THE TROOPERS, AND WHAT HE SAW AND LEARNED AMONG THE CROATS

Though 'tis true the Hanauers raised an alarm at once, sallied forth on horseback, and for a while detained the Croats and hara.s.sed them with skirmis.h.i.+ng, yet could they get from them none of their booty; for being light troops, they escaped very cleverly, and took their way to Budingen, where they baited, and delivered to the burghers there the rich Hanauers' sons to put to ransom, and there sold their stolen horses and other wares. From thence they decamped again before it was even fully night, let alone day again, and rode hard through the Budingen forest into the abbey-lands of Fulda, and seized on the way all they could carry with them. For robbery and plunder hindered them not in the least in their swift march: like the devil, that can do mischief as he flies. And the same evening they arrived in the abbey-lands of Hirschfeld, where they had their quarters, with great store of plunder. And this was divided; but me their colonel Corpes took as his share.

In the service of this master all appeared to me as unpleasing and wellnigh barbarous: the dainties of Hanau had changed into coa.r.s.e black bread and stringy beef, or by good luck a bit of stolen pork: wine and beer were now turned to water, and instead of a bed I must be content to lie by the horses in the straw. Instead of that lute-playing which had delighted all men, now must I at times creep under the table like the other lads, howl like a dog, and suffer myself to be p.r.i.c.ked with their spurs, which was for me but a poor jest. Instead of my promenades at Hanau, I must now ride on foraging parties, groom horses and clean out their stalls. Now this same foraging is neither more nor less than attacking of villages (with great pains and labour: yea, often with danger to life and limb), and there thres.h.i.+ng, grinding, baking, stealing, and taking all that can be found; harrying and spoiling the farmers, and shaming of their maids, their wives, and their daughters.

And if the poor peasants did murmur, or were bold enough to rap a forager or two over the fingers, finding them at such work (and at that time were many such guests in Hesse,) they were knocked on the head if they could be caught, or if not, their houses went up in smoke to heaven. Now my master had no wife (for campaigners of his kidney be not wont to take ladies with them), no page, no chamberlain, no cook, but on the other hand a whole troop of grooms and boys which waited both on him and his horse; nor was he himself ashamed to saddle his own horse or give him a feed: he slept ever on straw or on the bare ground, and covered himself with a fur coat. So it came about that one could often see great fleas or lice walk upon his clothes, of which he was not ashamed at all, but would laugh if any one pocked one out. Short hair he had, but a broad Switzer's beard, which served his turn well, for he was wont to disguise himself as a peasant and so to go a-spying. Yet though, as I have said, he kept no great household, yet was he by his own folk and others that knew him honoured, loved, and feared. Never were we at rest, but now here, now there: now we attacked and now we were attacked: never for a moment were we idle in damaging the Hessians' resources: nor on his part did Melander[14] leave us in peace: but cut off many a trooper and sent him prisoner to Ca.s.sel.

This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued, beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks like the other stable-lads, which 'tis true happened but seldom, yet then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I soon had enough. At last I began to do somewhat of cooking, and to keep my master's weapons clean, whereon he laid great stress: for I was as yet useless for foraging. And this answered so well that in the end I gained my master's favour, insomuch that he had a new fool's coat of calfskins made for me, with much greater a.s.ses' ears than I wore before. Now as my master's palate was not delicate, I needed the less skill for my cookery: yet because I was too often without salt, grease or seasoning, I wearied of this employ also, and therefore devised day and night how I might most cleverly escape--and that the more because 'twas now springtime. So to accomplish this I undertook the work of clearing away the guts of sheep and oxen, with heaps of which our quarters were surrounded, so that they should no longer cause so foul a smell: and this the colonel approved. And being busied with this, I stayed outside altogether, and when it was dark slipped away to the nearest wood.

_Chap. xvi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND GOODLY SPOILS, AND HOW HE BECAME A THIEVISH BROTHER OF THE WOODS

Yet to all appearance my condition grew worse and worse the further I went; yea, so grievous that I conceived I was born but for misfortune: for I was but a few miles distant from the Croats when I was caught by highwaymen, which, without doubt, thought they had captured in me somewhat of value, for by reason of the dark night they could not see my fool's coat, and forthwith bade two of their number take me to their trysting-place in the forest. So when they had brought me thither, and 'twas still pitch-dark, one fellow would at once have money from me: to which end he laid aside his gauntlets and his fire-arms and began to search me, asking, "Who art thou? Hast thou money?"

Yet so soon as he was ware of my hairy clothing and the long a.s.ses'

ears on my cap, which he took for horns, and at the same time perceived the s.h.i.+ning sparks which the hides of beasts do commonly shew when they are stroked in the dark, he was so terrified that he shrank into himself. That did I presently mark: so before he could recover himself or devise aught, I stroked down my hide with both hands to such good purpose that it glittered as if I had been stuffed full of burning sulphur, and then I answered him in a terrible voice, "I am the devil, and I will break thy neck and thy fellow's too."

Which so terrified both that they fled through the thicket as swiftly as if the fires of h.e.l.l were pursuing them; yea, though they dashed themselves against sticks and stones and trunks of trees, and yet more often tumbled, they were up again with all speed. So they went on till I could hear them no longer; while I laughed so loud that it echoed through the whole forest, which, without doubt, in that dark wilderness was horrible to hear.

Now when I would be gone I tripped over the musket; and that I took for myself, for already I had learned from the Croats how to manage fire-arms: then as I walked on I came upon a knapsack which, like my coat, was made of calf-skin: that too I took up, and found that a cartridge-pouch, well stored with powder and shot and all appurtenance, hung below it. All this I hung on me, took the musket on my shoulder like a soldier, and hid myself not far off in a thicket, intending to sleep there awhile; but at daybreak came the whole crew to the spot, searching for the musket that was lost and the knapsack: so I p.r.i.c.ked up mine ears like a fox and kept still as a mouse; and when they found nothing they mocked at those two that had fled before me. "Shame," said they, "ye craven fools: shame on your very heart that ye could so suffer yourselves to be frighted and chased, and have your arms taken by a single man." Yet one fellow swore the devil should take him if 'twere not the devil himself: his horns and his hairy hide he had well perceived; and the other waxed angry and said, "It may have been the devil or his dam, if I had but my knapsack back again." Then one of them whom I took to be their captain answered him; and says he, "What thinkest thou the devil should do with thy knapsack and thy musket? I would wager my neck the rascal that ye so shamefully let go hath taken both with him." Yet another took the contrary part, and said it might well happen that some countrymen had since pa.s.sed that way who had found the things and taken them: and in the end all approved this, and 'twas believed by all the band they had had the devil himself in their hands, especially because the fellow that would search me in the darkness not only swore the same with horrid oaths, but also was able powerfully to describe and to magnify the rough and glittering skin and the two horns as certain signs of the devil's quality. Nay, I do conceive that had I shewn myself again unawares the whole band would have run. So at last, when they had sought long enough and had found nothing, they went on their way again: but I opened the knapsack to make my breakfast thereof, and at the first trial I brought out a pouch in which were some 360 ducats. And that I rejoiced thereat none need question, yet may the reader be a.s.sured that the knapsack pleased me yet more than this fine sum of money, since I found it well stored with provisions. And as such yellow-boys are far too spa.r.s.ely strewn among common soldiers for them to take such with them on a raid, I judge that the fellow must have just snapped up these on that very excursion, and quickly whipped them into his knapsack that he might not be compelled to share them with the rest.

Thereupon I made a cheerful breakfast, and found too a merry little spring, at which I refreshed myself and counted my fine ducats. And if my life depended thereon, to say, in what land or place I then found myself, I could not tell. And first I stayed in the wood as long as my food lasted, with which I dealt right sparingly: then when my knapsack was empty, hunger drove me to the farmers' houses. And there I crept by night into cellar and kitchen and took what food I found and could carry off; and this I conveyed away to the wildest part of the wood.

And so I led a hermit's life as before, save that I stole much and therefore prayed less, and had, moreover, no fixed abode, but wandered now here, now there. 'Twas well for me indeed that it was now the beginning of summer, though I could kindle a fire with my musket whenever I would.

_Chap. xvii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES

During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the woods different country-folk, who at all times fled from me. I know not if the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had with me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was of a truth prowling about in that part. But for this reason I must needs fear lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the uttermost misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs, to which I was no longer accustomed. As I pondered on this I heard two men cutting of wood, which rejoiced me mightily. So I followed the sound of the blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a handful of ducats out of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed them the alluring gold and cried, "My masters, if ye will but wait for me I will give you this handful of gold." But as soon as they saw me and my gold, at once they took to their heels, and left their mallets and wedges together with their bag of bread and cheese; with this I filled my knapsack, and so betook myself back to the wood, doubting if in my life I should ever come to the company of men again. So after long pondering thereupon, I thought, "Who knoweth what may chance to thee? Thou hast money, and if thou comest in safety with it to honest folk, thou canst live on it a long while." So it came into my head to sew it up; and to that end I made, out of my a.s.ses' ears which made the folk so fly from me, two armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with those of the banditti, I packed all together into these armlets and bound them on mine arms above the elbow. And now, as I had thus secured my treasure, I attacked the farms again, and got from them what I needed and what I could snap up. And though I was but simple, yet I was sly enough never to come a second time to a place where I had stolen anything; and therefore was I very lucky in my thefts and was never caught pilfering.

It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store by my customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I wisely stayed away); so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed.

But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that led to the living-room; thither I crept to see if the folk would not soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put on their clothes, and in place of a light there stood a sulphurous blue flame on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms, pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window one after another. At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great terror; yet, as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in my whole life having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not much of this, and that chiefly because 'twas all so done in such stillness; but when all were gone I betook myself also to the living-room, and devising what I could take with me and where to find it, in such meditation sat me down straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon I had hardly sat down when I and the bench together flew straight out of the window, and left my gun and knapsack, which I had laid aside, as pay for that magical ointment. Now my sitting down, my departure, and my descent were all in one moment, for I came, methought, in a trice to a great crowd of people; but it may be that from fear I took no count how long I took for this long journey. These folk were dancing of a wondrous dance, the like of which I saw never in my life, for they had taken hands and formed many rings within one another, with their backs turned to each other like the pictures of the Three Graces, so that all faced outwards. The inmost ring was of some seven or eight persons; the second of as many again: the third contained more than the first two put together, and so on, so that in the outermost ring there were over two hundred persons; and because one ring danced towards the right and the next towards the left, I could not see how many rings they formed, nor what was in the midst around which they danced. Yet all looked monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out so comically.

My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels which stood outside the rings all round the dancers, of which minstrels some had, instead of flutes, clarinets and shawms, nothing but adders, vipers and blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats into whose breech they blew and fingered on the tail; which sounded like to bagpiper: others fiddled on horses' skulls as on the finest violins, and others played the harp upon a cow's skeleton such as lie in the slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a b.i.t.c.h under his arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole h.e.l.lish crew began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl, to rant, to ramp, and to roar as they were all mad and lunatic. And now can any man think into what terror and fear I fell.

In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a monstrous toad, full as big as a kettledrum, whose guts were dragged out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. "Lookye, Simplicissimus," says he, "I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from thee." But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name) that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awake from it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-c.o.c.k, till at last it hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink 'twas all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more.