Strange Visitors Part 18

Presently I was grappled by a big worm with a hundred legs. He then sent for his feller worms, and they licked me from skull to toe-jint. After I had stood the lickin' as long as I could (they tickled so), I concluded to run away, so I started on a full gallop, and arter I had run awhile, where should I fetch up but in the vicinity of Vic's Palace. I know'd by pussonal experience suthin' of the feelin' manner with which the British public look upon the Royal Family, and a sensation of relief c.u.m over my mind as I thought if I once entered their ground no one dared foiler me.

So I gin a spring and leaped right atop of the middle chimny. Owin' to private considerations, I did'nt mind the soot, but I clambered down, and there I was, to my amazement, rite in the private apartments of the Queen. She was sittin' at a table lookin' at a dogerotipe of Prince Albert; and I walked straight up to her, not feel in' a bit afeared, and making my manners, axed her if I didn't resemble the Prince?--rememberin'

that the preacher had kindly said over my coffin that "there was no distinction in the grave."

I thought that as I was a pooty gay image of Death, I might remind her of the "Prince Consort."

She looked up kinder sideways as I spoke, but she must have bin a leetle hard o' hearing, for she shook her head.

Then I thought I'd try her on another tack. So I placed my hands on my shakey knees, and bendin' over in this guise, so she could see me plainly, while my teeth rattled in my skull as I shook my head at her and growled:

"Haint you afeared of me, Madam?" With the pirsistent obstinacy of the feminine gender, she refused to notice me. So I thought she was kinder "set up on her pins," and I shouted louder:

"Victoria _Brown_! Aint you afeared of me? Aint you afeared I'll tell Prince Albert of your _dooins_?"

At that she gin an awful yell, and flung herself down upon a yaller satin divan, trimed with gold, and s...o...b..red it all over with tears.

I know'd then I had a "_mission to perform_," and that my fleshless bones were not given me for useless pleasure, but as a "warnin' to my race."

Arter this adventer I left the palace as I had entered it, "leavin' not a trace behind me."

Since that affair, I have bin goin' about "doin' good," frightnin' the wicked into fits, and follerin' in the steps of the pa.r.s.en, and thus working my way out of Purgatory.

LECTER II.

ARTEMUS WARD.--OUT OF PURGATORY.

Relatives and nabors,--Thinkin' you'll, like to know whether I'd bin roastin' in brimstone, along with Solomen and Lot's wife, and that you might feel consarned to know sumthin' about my further adventers, I'll continoo.

One mornin' soon after this, havin' spent a restless nite, I was thinkin'

what I had best do, when I seed, c.u.min' rite out of a big marble edifice, a nice little woman about as raw-boned as myself. As she carried an open paper in her hand which was certified to by two bishops and three clergeymen that she'd bin baptised and her sins washed away, I felt it would be safe for me to foller her, knowin' I had no such dockerment to admit me into the good graces of Abraham or Peter, or whatever porter might keep the gates of Paradise.

She seemed kinder skeered and tremblin' like for a minit, not knowin'

what to do; then with a sudden start she spread herself out just like the eagel of Ameriky, and soared rite up into the sky with nothin' to histe her by. I felt in my heart to foller her, and spread out just as she did, keeping near her on the sly.

As she went on she began to s.h.i.+ne like a star, shootin' on through the azure heavens for all the world like a sky-rocket.

That put me on my pluck, and I bust out just like a sky-rocket too. My blazers! If it didn't make my head spin.

When I collected my idees, I thought I'd look and see if I resembled a glow-worm behind, and there, by thunder, was a long stream of light, just like the tail of a comet! I tell you, I felt happy! She's regenerated me, thought I; and I, too, am one of the "s.h.i.+ning hosts"! And then directly, without any warnin' or noise of any kind, all around began to look about the color of a yaller sun-flower, and I began to scent a powerful smell of roses and violets.

The female sank down in the golden air, and I kept cluss beside her, and as she kept droppin' she suddenly changed, like the old woman in the fairy-book, into a bouncin' girl, the very pictur of the G.o.ddess of liberty!

Arter this, she turned and smiled on me. She looked just like alabaster cream; the most dazzlingest creetur that ever startled the beholder!

I was took quite aback when she held out her little hand for mine; I felt kinder delicate like that she should see my big jints. But howsomever, "here goes," said I, and I stuck out my bony fist, and, by Jupiter, it was kivered with flesh, jest as soft and delicate as Uncle Sam's babies!!!

I stood starin' from my hands to her about a minit, and then she bust out a-laughin', and I bust out a-laughin' too!

"How shaller you be!" said she.

"It's duced amoosin'," said I.

"Who be you?" said she.

"Artemus Ward, the great lecterer on 'Women's Rites and Mormons,'" said I.

At this she seemed mighty tickled.

"I heerd you speak on those momentous subjects in Liverpool," said she.

"And arter that when I read the affectin' account of your death in a strange land, I cried."

"Cried?" said I, "I'm much obleeged to you, but there's nothin' to cry for as I know."

"So there be'nt," said she, puckerin' up her pretty little mouth; "but tell me, now, is this reely you?"

"I don't know," said I, "whether its reely myself or not, for I haven't seed myself--how do I look?"

She naterally blushed and answered:

"Ansom."

That was too much for me. I took her round her waist and whispered--I wont tell you what. She shook her head so that the ringlets fell downall over her neck like the ashes from a tobaccy pipe, and in a mighty reprovin' manner said:

"Artemus Ward, I am a poetess!"

(By Jupiter! that was a stunner.)

"Is it Mrs. _Browning_?" said I, ready to drop on my knees (thinkin' of Robert).

She shook her head agin, and moved off, and I follered, kinder ashamed of bein' so abrupt. Lookin' loftily at me, she said:

"I must leave you."

"Leave me!" said I, "You cruel monster of beauty! Leave when I am _sealed_ to you?"

(That kinder frightened her--I learned suthin' from bein' among the Mormons.)

"You may foller me," said she, while descendin' in the midst of a garden which opened rite before us. I did as she advised, and stepped rite down in a place where there was a mighty display of trees, flowers, and fountains, and a pretty big sprinklin' of people.

Good Heavens! thought I. Is this the New Jerusalem? and lookin' around timidly for the man with the key, fearin' I might be turned out, but seein' nothin' but common lookin' men and women, and no "flamin'

cherubim," and creaters with wings stuck on their heads, and no bodies, such as I had naterally expected to find in such a place, I took courage and stept forward boldly.

The people all commenced cryin' out as loud as they could:

"Artemus Ward! Artemus Ward!"