Confessions Of Con Cregan Part 25

"What's your name? The captain has not written it clearly."

"Cregan, my lady,--Con Cregan."

"Con--Con," repeated she twice or thrice; "what does Con mean?"

"It's the short for Cornelius, my lady."

"Ah, the abbreviation for Cornelius! And where have you lived, Cornelius?"

"My last place, my lady, was Sir Miles O'Ryan's, of Roaring Water."

"What are you doing, you wretch? Take your filthy fingers out of that pot this instant!" screamed she, suddenly.

"Me taste him, an' he be dam hot!" cried the n.i.g.g.e.r, dancing from one foot to the other, as his mouth was on fire from tasting capsic.u.m pods.

I thought of my own mustard experience, and then, turning a glance of ineffable contempt upon my black friend, said, "Those creatures, my lady, are _so_ ignorant, they really do not know the nature of the commonest condiments."

"Very true, Cornelius. I would wish, however, to observe to you that although my family are all persons of rank, I have no t.i.tle myself,--that is to say," added she, with a pleasing smile, "I do not a.s.sume it here; therefore, until we return to England, you need n't address me as ladys.h.i.+p."

"No, my lady,--I beg your ladys.h.i.+p's pardon for forgetting; but as I have always lived in high families, I 've got the habit, my lady, of saying, 'my lady.'"

"I am Madam, plain Madam Davis. There, I knew you 'd do it, you nasty little beast, you odious black creature!" This sudden apostrophe was evoked by the n.i.g.g.e.r endeavoring to balance a jam-pot on his thumb, while he spun it round with the other hand,--an exploit that ended in a smash of the jar, and a squash of the jam all over my silk stockings.

"It's of no consequence, my lady; I shall change them when I dress for dinner," said I, with consummate ease.

"The jam is lost, however. Will you kindly beat him about the head with that candlestick beside you?"

I seized the implement, as if in most choleric mood. But my black was not to be caught so easily; and with a dive between my legs he bolted for the door, whilst I was pitched forward against the step-ladder, head foremost. In my terror, I threw out my hands to save myself, and caught--not the ladder, but Madam Davis's legs; and down we went together, with a small avalanche of brown jars and preserve-pots clattering over us.

As I had gone headforemost, my head through the ladder, and as Mrs.

Davis had fallen on the top of me,--her head being reversed,--there we lay, like herrings in a barrel, till her swoon had pa.s.sed away. At last she did rally; and, gathering herself up, sat against the wall, a most rueful picture of bruises and disorder, while I, emerging from between the steps of the ladder, began to examine whether it were marmalade or my brains that I felt coming down my cheek.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 217]

"You'll never mention this shocking event, Cornelius," said she, trying to adjust her wig, which now faced over the left shoulder.

"Never, my lady. Am I to consider myself engaged?"

"Yes, on the terms of Captain Pike's note,--ten pounds--, no wine nor tea-money, no pa.s.sage-fare out, no livery, no--" I was afraid she was going to add, "No prog;" but she grew faint, and merely said, "Bring me a gla.s.s of water."

"I'll put you in charge of the lamps and plate tomorrow," said she, recovering.

"Very well, madam," said I, aloud; while to myself I muttered, "They might easily be in better hands."

"You'll wait at table to-day."

"Yes, my lady--madam, I mean."

"Soup always goes first to Mrs. Trussford,--black velvet, and very fat; then to the lady in blue spectacles; afterwards Miss Moriarty. Ah, I 'm too weak for giving directions; I 'm in what they call 'un etat de fuillete;'" and with these words Mrs. Davis retired, leaving me to the contemplation of the battle-field and my own bruises.

My next care was to present myself below stairs; and although some may smile at the avowal, I had far more misgivings about how I should pa.s.s muster with the underlings than with the head of the department. Is the reader aware that it was a farrier of the Emperor Alexander's guard who first predicted the destruction of the "grand army" in Russia? A French horseshoe was shown to him, as a curiosity; and he immediately exclaimed, "What! not yet frost-roughed? These fellows don't know the climate; the snows begin to-morrow!" So is it: ignorance and pretension are infallibly discovered by "routine" people; they look to details, and they at once detect him who mistakes or overlooks them.

Resolving, at all events, to make my "Old World" habits stand my part in every difficulty, and to sneer down every-thing I did not understand, I put on a bold face, and descended to the lower regions.

Great people, "Ministers" and Secretaries for the "Home" and "Foreign,"

little know how great their privilege is that in taking office they are spared all unpleasant meetings with their predecessors. At least, I conclude such to be the case, and that my Lord Palmerston, "stepping in," does not come abruptly upon Lord Aberdeen "going out," nor does an angry altercation arise between him who arrives to stay and he who is packing his portmanteau to be off. I say that I opine as much, and that both the entrance and the departure are conducted with due etiquette and propriety; in fact, that Lord A. has called his cab and slipped away before Lord P. has begun to "take up" the "spoons,"--not a bad metaphor, by the way, for an entrance into the Foreign Office.

No such decorous reserve presides over the change of a domestic ministry. The whole warfare of opposition is condensed into one angry moment, and the rival parties are brought face to face in the most ungracious fas.h.i.+on.

Now, my system in life was that so well and popularly known by the name of M. Guizot, "la paix a tout prix;" and I take pride to myself in thinking that I have carried it out with more success. With a firm resolve, therefore, that no temptation should induce me to deviate from a pacific policy, I entered the kitchen, where the "lower house" was then "in committee,"--the "cook in the chair"!

"Here he com, now!" said Blackie; and the a.s.sembly grew hushed as I entered.

"Ay, here he comes!" said I, re-echoing the speech; "and let us see if we shall not be merry comrades."

The address was a happy one; and that evening closed upon me in the very pinnacle of popularity.

I have hesitated for some time whether I should not ask of my reader to enroll himself for a short s.p.a.ce as a member of "the establishment,"

or even to sojourn one day beneath a roof where so many originals were congregated; to witness the very table itself, set out with its artificial fruits and flowers, its pine-apples in wax, and its peaches of paper,--all the appliances by which Mrs. D., in her ardent zeal, hoped to propagate refinement and abstemiousness; high-breeding and low diet being, in her esteem, inseparably united. To see the company, the poor old faded and crushed flowers of mock gentility,--widows and unmarried daughters of tax-collectors long "gathered;" polite storekeepers, and apothecaries to the "Forces," cultivating the Graces at the cost of their appet.i.tes, and descending, in costumes of twenty years back, in the pleasing delusion of being "dressed" for dinner; while here and there some unhappy skipper, undergoing a course of refinement, looked like a bear in a "ballet," ashamed of his awkwardness, and even still more ashamed of the company wherein he found himself; and, lastly, some old Seigneur of the Lower Province,--a poor, wasted, wrinkled creature, covered with hair-powder and snuff, but yet, strangely enough, preserving some "taste of his once quality," and not altogether dest.i.tute of the graces of the land he sprung from;--curious and incongruous elements to make up society, and worthy of the presidency of that greater incongruity who ruled them.

Condemned to eat food they did not relish, and discuss themes they did not comprehend,--what a n.o.ble zeal was theirs! What sacrifices did they not make to the genius of "gentility"! If they would sneer at a hash, Mrs. D.'s magic wand charmed it into a "ragout;" when they almost sneezed at the sour wine, Mrs. D. called for another gla.s.s of "La Rose." "Rabbits," they were a.s.sured, were the daily diet of the Duke of Devons.h.i.+re, and Lady Laddington ate kid every day at dinner. In the same way, potatoes were vulgar things, but "pommes de terre a la maitre d'hotel" were a delicacy for royalty.

To support these delusions of diet, I was everlastingly referred to.

"Cregan," would she say,--placing her gla.s.s to her eye, and fixing on some dish, every portion of which her own dainty fingers had compounded,--"Cregan, what is that?"

"Poulet a la George Quatre, madame! "--she always permitted me to improvise the nomenclature,--"the receipt came from the Bishop of Beldoff's cook."

"Ah, prepared with olives, I believe?"

"Exactly, madame," would I say, presenting the dish, whose success was at once a.s.sured.

If a wry face or an unhappy contortion of the mouth from any guest announced disappointment, Mrs. D. at once appealed to me for the explanation. "What is it, Cregan?--Mrs. Blotter, I fear you don't like that 'plat'?"

"The truffles were rather old, madame;" or, "the anchovies were too fresh;" or, "there was too little caviar;" or something of the kind, I would unhesitatingly aver: for my head was stocked with a strong catalogue from an old French cookery-book which I used to study each morning. The more abstruse my explanation, the more certain of its being indorsed by the company,--only too happy to be supposed capable of detecting the subtle deficiency; all but the old French Deputy, who on such occasions would give a little shake of his narrow head, and mutter to himself, "Ah, il est mutin, ce gaillard-la!"

Under the influence of great names, they would have eaten a stewed mummy from the Pyramids. What the Marquis of Aeheldown or the Earl of Brockmore invariably ordered, could not without risk be despised by these "small boys" of refinement. It is true, they often mourned in secret over the altered taste of the old country, which preferred kickshaws and trumpery to its hallowed ribs and sirloins; but, like the folk who sit at the Opera while they long for the Haymarket, and who listen to Jenny Lind while their hearts are with Mrs. Keeley, they "took out" in fas.h.i.+on what they lost in amus.e.m.e.nt,--a very English habit, by the way. To be sure, and to their honor be it spoken, they wished the Queen would be pleased to fancy legs of mutton and loins of veal, just as some others are eager for royalty to enjoy the national drama; but they innocently forgot, the while, that "they" might have the sirloin, and "the others" Shakspeare, even without majesty partaking of either, and that a roast goose and Falstaflf can be relished even without such august precedent. Dear, good souls they were, never deviating from that fine old st.u.r.dy spirit of independence which makes us feel ourselves a match for the whole world in arms, as we read the "Times" and hum "Rule Britannia."

All this devout homage of a cla.s.s with whom they had nothing in common, and with which they could never come into contact, produced in me a very strange result; and in place of being ready to smile at the imitators, I began to conceive a stupendous idea of the natural greatness of those who could so impress the ranks beneath them. "Con," said I to myself, "that is the cla.s.s in life would suit you perfectly. There is no trade like that of a gentleman. He who does nothing is always ready for everything; the little s.h.i.+fts and straits of a handicraft or a profession narrow and confine the natural expansiveness of the intellect, which, like a tide over a fiat sh.o.r.e, should swell and spread itself out, free and without effort. See to this, Master Con; take care that you don't sit down contented with a low round on the ladder of life, but strive ever upwards; depend on it, the view is best from the top, even if it only enable you to look down on your compet.i.tors."

These imaginings, as might be easily imagined, led me to form a very depreciating estimate of my lords and masters of the "establishment."

Not only their little foibles and weaknesses, their small pretensions and their petty attempts at fine life, were all palpable to my eyes, but their humble fortunes and narrow means to support such a.s.sumption were equally so; and there is nothing which a vulgar mind--I _was_ vulgar at that period--so unhesitatingly seizes on for sarcasm as the endeavor of a poor man to "do the fine gentleman."

If no man is a hero to his valet, he who has no valet is never a hero at all,--is n.o.body. I conceived, then, the most insulting contempt for the company, on whom I practised a hundred petty devices of annoyance. I would drop gravy on a fine satin dress, in which the wearer only made her appearance at festivals, or stain with sauce the "russia ducks"

destined to figure through half a week. Sometimes, by an adroit change of decanters during dinner, I would produce a scene of almost irremediable confusion, when the owner of sherry would find himself taking toast-and-water, he of the last beverage having improved the time and finished the racier liquid. Such reciprocities, although strictly in accordance with "free-trade," invariably led to very warm discussions, that lasted through the remainder of the evening.

Then I removed plates ere the eater was satisfied, and that with an air of such imposing resolve as to silence remonstrance. When a stingy guest pa.s.sed up his decanter to a friend, in a moment of enthusiastic munificence, I never suffered it to return till it was emptied; while to the elderly ladies I measured out the wine like laudanum. Every now and then, too, I would forget to hand the dish to some one or other of the company, and affect only to discover my error as the last spoonful was disappearing.

Nor did my liberties end here. I was constantly introducing innovations in the order of dinner, that produced most ludicrous scenes of discomfiture,--now insisting on the use of a fork, now of a spoon, under circ.u.mstances where no adroitness could compensate for the implement; and one day I actually went so far as to introduce soap with the finger-gla.s.ses, averring that "it was always done at Devons.h.i.+re House on grand occasions." I thought I should have betrayed myself as I saw the efforts of the party to perform their parts with suitable dignity; all I could do was to restrain a burst of open laughter.