Out of the Hurly-Burly Part 11

I unraveled about eighteen inches of the rope and fastened the other end to the horse's tail. This, I estimated, would enable him to switch a fly off the very end of his nose when he had acquired a little practice.

Unfortunately, I neglected to speak to my man upon the subject; and when he came to the stable that evening, he examined the rope and concluded that I was trying experiments with some new kind of hitching-strap; so he tied the horse to the stall by the artificial continuation. By morning the feed-box was kicked into kindling-wood, and the horse was standing on three legs, with the other leg caught in the hay-rack, while he had chewed up two of the best boards in the side of the stable in front of him.

Subsequently I explained the theory to the man and readjusted the rope.

But the patent tail annoyed the hostler so much while currying the horse that he tied a stone to it to hold it still. The consequence was that in a moment of unusual excitement the horse flung the stone around and inflicted a severe wound upon the man's head. The man resigned next morning.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I then concluded to introduce an improvement. I purchased some horse-hair and spliced it upon the tail so neatly that it had the appearance of a natural growth. When the new man came, he attempted to comb out the horse's tail, and the added portion came off in his hand.

He had profound confidence in his veterinary skill, and he imagined that the occurrence indicated a diseased condition of the horse. So he purchased some powders and gave the animal an enormous dose in a bucket of warm "mash." In half an hour that pestilential horse was seized with convulsions, during which he kicked out the stable-door, shattered the stall to pieces, hammered four more boards out of the part.i.tion, dislocated his off hind leg and expired in frightful agony.

He was more urbane after death than he had been during his life, and I contemplated his remains without shedding a tear. He was sold to a glue-man for eight dollars; and when he had departed, I felt that he would fulfill a wiser and better purpose as a contributor to the national stock of glue than as the unconscious persecutor of his former owner.

"Mrs. Adeler, do you feel any interest in the subject of pirates?"

She said the question was somewhat abrupt, but she thought she might safely say she did not.

"I make the inquiry for the reason that I have just written a ballad which has for its hero a certain bold corsair. This is the first consequence of the death of our horse. In the exuberance of joy caused by that catastrophe, I felt as if I would like to perpetrate something which should be purely ridiculous, and accordingly I organized upon paper this piratical narrative. You think the subject is an odd one? Not so. I do not pretend to explain the fact, but it is true that by this generation a pirate is regarded as a comic personage. Perhaps the reason is that he has been so often presented to us in such a perfectly absurd form in melodrama and in the cheap and trashy novels of the day. At any rate, he is susceptible of humorous treatment, as you will perceive."

[Ill.u.s.tration]

"I have had a stronger impulse to write of buccaneers, too, because I am in New Castle; for, somehow, I always a.s.sociate those freebooting individuals with this village. A certain ancestor of mine sailed away from this town in 1813, in a brig commissioned as a privateer, and played havoc with the s.h.i.+ps of the enemy upon the Atlantic. In my childhood I used to hear of his brave deeds, and, somehow, I conceived the idea that he was a genuine pirate with a black flag, skull and cross-bones, and a disagreeable habit of compelling his captives to walk the plank. I was much more proud of him then, Mrs. Adeler, than I should be now had he really been such a ruffian. But he was not. He was a gallant sailor and a brave and honest gentleman, who served his country faithfully on the ocean, and then held a post of honor as warden of the port of Philadelphia until his death. But I never go to the river's side in New Castle without involuntarily recalling that fine old man in the character of an outlawed rover upon the high seas.

"Here, my dear, is the ballad. When I have read it to you, I will send it to the _Argus_. Since Mr. Slimmer's retirement there has been a dearth of poetry in the columns of that great organ."

MRS. JONES'S PIRATE.

A sanguinary pirate sailed upon the Spanish main In a rakish-looking schooner which was called the "Mary Jane."

She carried lots of howitzers and deadly rifled guns, With shot and sh.e.l.l and powder and percussion caps in tons.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The pirate was a homely man, and short and grum and fat; He wore a wild and awful scowl beneath his slouching hat.

Swords, pistols and stilettos were arranged around his thighs, And demoniacal glaring was quite common with his eyes.

His heavy black moustaches curled away beneath his nose, And drooped in elegant festoons about his very toes.

He hardly ever spoke at all; but when such was the case, His voice 'twas easy to perceive was quite a heavy ba.s.s.

He was not a serious pirate; and despite his anxious cares, He rarely went to Sunday-school and seldom said his prayers.

He wors.h.i.+ped lovely women, and his hope in life was this: To calm his wild, tumultuous soul with pure domestic bliss.

When conversing with his s.h.i.+pmates, he very often swore That he longed to give up piracy and settle down on sh.o.r.e.

He tired of blood and plunder; of the joys that they could bring; He sighed to win the love of some affectionate young thing.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

One morning as the "Mary Jane" went bounding o'er the sea The pirate saw a merchant bark far off upon his lee.

He ordered a pursuit, and spread all sail that he could spare, And then went down, in hopeful mood, to shave and curl his hair.

He blacked his boots and pared his nails and tied a fresh cravat; He cleansed his teeth, pulled down his cuffs and polished up his hat; He dimmed with flour the radiance of his fiery red nose, For, hanging with that vessel's wash, _he saw some ladies' hose_.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Once more on deck, the stranger's hull he riddled with a ball, And yelled, "I say! what bark is that?" In answer to his call The skipper on the other boat replied in thunder tones: "This here's the bark Matilda, and her captain's name is Jones."

The pirate told his bold corsairs to man the jolly-boats, To board the bark and seize the crew, and slit their tarry throats, And then to give his compliments to Captain Jones, and say He wished that he and Mrs. Jones would come and spend the day.

They reached the bark, they killed the crew, they threw them in the sea, And then they sought the captain, who was mad as he could be, Because his wife--who saw the whole sad tragedy, it seems-- Made all the s.h.i.+p vociferous with her outrageous screams.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

But when the pirate's message came, she dried her streaming tears, And said, although she'd like to come, she had unpleasant fears That, his social status being very evidently low, She might meet some common people whom she wouldn't care to know.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Her husband's aged father, she admitted, dealt in bones, But the family descended from the famous Duke de Jones; And such blue-blooded people, that the rabble might be checked, Had to make their social circle excessively select.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Before she visited his s.h.i.+p she wanted him to say If the Smythes had recognized him in a social, friendly way; Did the Jonsons ever ask him 'round to their ancestral halls?

Was he noticed by the Thomsons? Was he asked to Simms's b.a.l.l.s?

The pirate wrote that Thomson was his best and oldest friend, That he often stopped at Jonson's when he had a week to spend; As for the Smythes, they worried him with their incessant calls; His very legs were weary with the dance at Simms's b.a.l.l.s.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

(The scoundrel fibbed most shamelessly. In truth he only knew A lot of Smiths without a y--a most plebeian crew.

His Johnsons used a vulgar h, his Thompsons spelled with p, His Simses had one m, and they were common as could be.)

Then Mrs. Jones mussed up her hair and donned her best delaine, And went with Captain Jones aboard the schooner Mary Jane.

The pirate won her heart at once by saying, with a smile, He never saw a woman dressed in such exquisite style.

The pirate's claim to status she was very sure was just When she noticed how familiarly the Johnsons he discussed.

Her aristocratic scruples then were quickly laid aside, And when the pirate sighed at her, reciproc'ly she sighed.

No sooner was the newer love within her bosom born Than Jones was looked upon by her with hatred and with scorn.

She said 'twas true his ancestor was famous Duke de Jones, But she shuddered to remember that his father dealt in bones.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

So then they got at Captain Jones and hacked him with a sword, And chopped him into little bits and tossed him overboard.

The chaplain read the service, and the captain of the bark Before his widow's weeping eyes was gobbled by a shark.

The chaplain turned the prayer-book o'er; the bride took off her glove; They swore to honor, to obey, to cherish and to love.

And, freighted full of happiness, across the ocean's foam The schooner glided rapidly toward the pirate's home.

And when of ecstasy and joy their hearts could hold no more, That pirate dropped his anchor down and rowed his love ash.o.r.e.