Mr. Punch's Life in London Part 22

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS]

CONSOLATION STAKES.--Those you get at a City tavern the day after you have tried to eat the article at home.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A HORRIBLE BUSINESS.--_Master Butcher._ "Did you take old Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" _Boy._ "Yes, sir." _Master Butcher._ "Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs until they're quite tender!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Little Girl_ (_to Newsvendor, from whom she has just purchased the latest war special_). "'Ere's your _paper_! Father says, if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in it."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Lady_ (_from the country_). "Well, I never! And to think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"]

A SPECULATOR'S APOLOGY.--You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.

TABLE-TURNING.--Looking for a train in _Bradshaw_.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE

(_To be placed over the princ.i.p.al entrance._)

On a chevron _vert_, a pigeon plucked _proper_, between three rooks peckant, clawed and beaked _gules_. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant, winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, _argent_, environed with a halo of bubbles _or_. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant _sable_, dented, hoofed and clawed _gules_. Motto: "Let us prey."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A SENSITIVE PLANT.--"What, back in town already, old chappie?"

"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me the headache!"]

COMMERCIAL NEWS

Policeman O, No. I, has got such an acc.u.mulation of corn in bond, under a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quant.i.ty, which, when he is in compet.i.tion with those who try to take advantage of his position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.

Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.

A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.

The dividends on p.a.w.nbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City, in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.

Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day surprisingly.

PERSONS WHO WOULD BENEFIT BY CREMATION.--Charwomen.

FORCED POLITENESS.--Bowing to circ.u.mstances.

A NAME OF ILL OMEN.--Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid going down Long Acre.

p.a.w.nBROKERS' "DUPLICATES."--Their twins.

HAGIOLOGY ON 'CHANGE.--_The Brokers' Patron_--St. Simon Stock.

MOTTO FOR A TAILOR WHO MAKES COATS OF THE BEST ENDURING CLOTH.--_Fuimus, i.e., We Wear._

THE LICENSING SYSTEM.--The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.

THE BEST NOTE PAPER.--Bank of England.

[Ill.u.s.tration: CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR

_Cabby_ (_to Gent who has been dining out_). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is your 'ouse--get out--be careful, sir--'ere's the step?"

_Gent._ "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my _feet?_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Employer_ (_who simply_ WON'T _take any excuse for unpunctuality_). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and come at the proper time!"]