Samantha at the World's Fair Part 13

As I say, it wuz on a Monday morning. The two children had invited their Pa and me to visit a good deal durin' the week before, and I had got kind a behindhand with my work.

And then I had felt so kinder mauger for a few days, that Josiah insisted that I should git a young girl in the neighborhood to help me for a few days, Philury and Ury bein' away on a visit to some relations.

Wall, that day I had was.h.i.+n', bakin', churnin', and some fruit cake to make.

It fairly made me ache to think on't, the numbers and amounts of the work that pressed onto me, and n.o.body but that young girl to help me.

And she that took up with her bo, Almanzo Hagidone, that she wuz in a forgitful state more'n half the time, and liable to carry a armful of wood meant for the kitchen stove into the parlor, and put it end first onto the what-not, or pump water into Josiah's hat instead of the water-pail.

I tried to instil some common sense into her head, but her hair wuz bound up that tight with curl papers that nothin' could git past that ambuscade, so it would seem, but jest the image and the idee of Almanzo Hagidone.

Wall, I kep her pretty much in the wood-shed, when she wuz in her worst stages, where there wuzn't much besides the old cook-stove and wash-tubs that she could graze aginst and fall over.

I dast as well die as to trust her with vittles, for I felt that them wuz vital pints, and must not be meddled with by loonaticks or idiots, and with them two ranks I had to stand Mary Ann Spink in her most love-sick spazzums.

So I sot her to rubbin' onto Josiah's s.h.i.+rts, and I took my bowl of raisins and English currants and things into the kitchen and sot down calmly to pickin' 'em over and choppin' 'em.

My fruit cake is good, though I say it that ort not to; it is widely known and admired.

Wall, I sot there middlin' calm, and a-hummin' over a sam tune loud enough so's Mary Ann could hear it; and I hummed it, too, in a strictly moral way, and for a pattern; it was this:

"Put not your trust in mortal man, Set not your hopes on him," etc., etc., etc.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

And I see I wuz impressin' of her, for I could hear after a while from the wood-shed that she too had broke forth in song, and she was a-jinin'

in, low and dretful impressive, with--

"Hark from the tombs a mournful sound."

I don't think she meant my singin'--Josiah did when we talked it over afterwards.

He believed it firm.

I believe I wuz a-moralizin' of her, and should have done good if I hadn't been broke in on.

But all of a sudden Josiah Allen fairly bust into the house, all wrought up, and fearful excited.

He had been a-talkin' with Deacon Henzy out by the gate, and I spoze Deacon Henzy had disseminated some new news to him. But anyway he wuz crazy with a wild and startlin' idee.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A-talkin' with Deacon Henzy.]

He wanted to set off to once to the Equinomical Counsel, which he said wuz a-goin' to be held by the male Methodists in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. And, sez he--

"Samantha, git my fine s.h.i.+rt and my best necktie to once, for I want to start on the noon train."

"What for?" sez I coldly; for I discourage his wild projects all I can.

I have to act like a heavy weight in a clock movin' half the time, or he would be jest swept to and frow like a pendulum. It makes me feel queer.

Sez I, "What are you a-layin' out to set off for Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C., for?"

My tone kinder hung on to him, and stiddied him down some. And he lost some of his wild and excited mean. And he stopped onb.u.t.tonin' his vest--he had onb.u.t.toned his s.h.i.+rt-collar and took his old necktie off on his way from the gate--so ardent and impulsive is my dear pardner, and so anxious to start.

"Why," sez he, "I told you, didn't I? I am goin' to Was.h.i.+ngton to tend to that Equinomical Counsel. Five hundred male men are a-goin' to git together to counsel together on the best ways of bein' equinomical. And here at last"--sez he proudly--"here at last is the chance I have always been a-lookin' out for. Here is the opportunity for me to show off, and be somebody."

And here he begun agin to onb.u.t.ton his s.h.i.+rt-sleeves and loosen his collar.

But I sez slowly and firmly, and as much like a heavy weight as I could--

"It is three hours to train time. Set down and act like a human bein'

and a Methodist, and tell me what it is you want to do."

He glanced up at the clock onto the mantelry-piece, and he see I wuz right about the time. And he sot down, and sez he--

"That is jest how I want to act, like a Methodist, and a equinomical counsellor."

"What for?" sez I. "What do you want to do?"

"Why, to teach 'em," sez he. "To show myself off. To counsel 'em."

"To counsel 'em about what?" sez I heavily, bein' bound to come to the bottom of the matter, and the sense on't, if sense there wuz in it.

"Why," sez he, "they are havin' a counsel there to see if there are any new ways for men and Methodists to be equinomical. And I'll be dumned if there is a man or a Methodist from Maine to Florida that can counsel 'em better about bein' equinomical than I can.

"Why, you have always said so," sez he. "You have called it tightness, but I have always known that it wuz pure economy; and now," sez he, "has come the chance of a lifetime, for me to rise up and show myself off before the nation. To git the high, lofty name that I ort to have, and do good."

I dropped my choppin' knife out of my hand, and rested my elbow on the table, and leaned my head on my hand in deep thought.

I see he had more sense on his side than I thought he had. I recollected the different and various ways in which he had showed his equinomical tightness sence our married life begun, and I trembled for the result.

I ruminated over our early married life, and how, in spite of his words of almost impa.s.sioned tenderness and onwillingness for me to harm and strain myself by approachin' the political pole--still how he had let me wrestle with weighty hop-poles and draw water out of a deep well with a cistern pole for more'n fourteen years.

I remembered how he had nearly flooded out his own precious and valuable insides at Saratoga by his wild efforts to git the full worth of the five cents he had advanced to the Spring-tender.

I remembered the widder's mite, how he had interpreted that scriptural incident about that n.o.ble female--as interpreters will, to suit their own idees as males--and how I had argued with him in vain on the mite, and his onscriptural and equinomical views.

I felt that he had a strong and powerful case; and though I could not brook the idee of his goin', still I thought that I must be as wise as a serpent and as harmless as a turkle-dove, to git the victory over him.

He see by the fluckuations of color on my usially calm cheek, and by the pensive and thoughtful look in my two gray orbs, that I felt the strength and powerfulness of his cause.

And as he mused, he begun in joyous and triumphant axents to bring up before me some of his latest and most striking instances of equinomical tightness.

Sez he, "Do you remember the case of Sy Biddlecomb, and them green pumpkins of mine, how I--" But I interrupted his almost fervid eloquence, and sez I, with my right hand extended in a real eloquent wave,

"Pause, Josiah Allen, and less consider and weigh things in the balances. Go not too fast, less disapintment attend your efforts, and mortification wrops you in its mantilly.

"Your equinomical ways, Josiah Allen," sez I, "it seems to me ort to rize you up above every other man on the face of the globe, and make a lion of you of the first magnitude, even a roarin' African lion, as it were."