Outaishihi ni Nante Naritakunai!! Chapter 59

She and Her Definition of Love

… Finally, I'm alone.
I've checked around many times. Reconfirming there's n.o.body near me, I breathed out.

Having accepted Clara's opinion that even if there's no time I should change into a new dress, it took 30 minutes to check the dresses they had brought.

As a matter of fact, all the arranged dresses were nothing short of wonderful, but I rejected them all.
The reason is simple. I wanted to talk with Cain no matter what, so I looked for a chance to somehow be alone. That's the only reason.

"I am sorry. I truly feel apologetic, but there are too many to my liking. Every single one is wonderful, I would like to wear them on another opportunity, but today is a little…"

Saying so, I rejected another dress.

"Please wait just a minute. I will bring something that will be acknowledged without fail"

Despite my selfishness, for some reason Clara declared with an even stronger voice and excitedly left taking court ladies along.
I don't know how long it will take them to bring my clothing, but I should have bought some time.
There's only now to talk with Cain.
I called out to Cain in a whisper.

"Cain… Cain, are you here?"

While calling him I thought.

… Why in the world did that happen.
I tried thinking back upon this past month.

Freed and I were originally partners in a marriage of convenience. Usually there'd be no love in it.
I went to a ball to keep him away, only for him to somehow fall in love at first sight and suddenly force the 'King's Flower' onto me, and when I noticed we were officially engaged.
While I was absentminded, he completely removed any obstacles and blocked all escape routes.
Should I admire his brilliant ability, or be astounded by his desperation…

Moreover, for some reason every time we meet, I'm embraced.
Somehow, I'm most scared by myself who doesn't feel like refusing.
Even just now, I lost myself to Freed.

"Nn?"

Thinking up to that point, suddenly I got bothered my strange behavior today. Let's recall from start to end.

… Err, we hugged each other with all our strength in public, after that I went into his room and promised to stay the night… Although we didn't do it till the end, we still did it.

…
… Uaah.
Unintentionally I held my head.

"Aren't we acting like a lovey-dovey couple…!"

No no no. There's no way. There's no way.
In my heart I shook my head.

After all, it's Freed who's in the wrong for saying he loves me, I haven't yet looked at him with such eyes, I think… Probably.
No, if asked whether I like or hate him, the answer would be like? But it should be as a person, not in the romantic sense… Perhaps.

An ambiguous word sneaked at the end, honestly speaking I don't understand it well myself.

I was in love in my previous life. I was also in relations.h.i.+p, naturally it included s.e.xual relations.
Even now I remember these feelings vividly.
Although it was just for a short time, the days I spent with filled with throbbing, bittersweet feelings, and sadness, I recognize that was love for sure.

But, my current feelings towards Freed are completely different.
The feelings toward him are more intense.

When I think of him my chest hurts. It's so painful tears come out.
It feels unbearable being stimulated by strong emotions I can't express. It's like I'm not myself.
After all, when I reunited with Freed some time ago, I unconsciously hugged him.
I was swept away by emotions and impulses.

… I don't recognize such violent emotion. It's completely different from that time.

In the end, my emotions towards Freed are too different from what I know, so I'm totally confused.
I don't understand what my emotions towards him are.
Still, for some reason, I have a strange resistance against saying that it's not love.

… Aah, I digressed.

Back to the subject, the biggest problem at the moment is the reality that I didn't refuse him.
Even if I had no choice at first, after all I think it isn't good to continue having physical relations.h.i.+p like this.
Is it not much too rude to repeat such a thing with my vague feelings when he tells me he loves me.
Although I feel it's too late at this point, until I get my feelings towards him in order, or the first night after the marriage ceremony, I think it would be better to have a pure relations.h.i.+p…

It's impossible, isn't it――――.
Remembering how unequalled Freed is, and doing this and that with him some time ago, I dropped my shoulders, crestfallen.

He'd never agree to it.
I feel I'd be cajoled with all his might. He'd say something like this doesn't matter.

In the first place, Father's and King's att.i.tude some time ago says it all.
People I could complain to the most, recognized us.
There's no way I could grumble to them.
And the biggest problem is, when push comes to stove, I'm confident I'll get carried away.

… Yup, the more I think the more foolish it gets.
Right, I'll get carried away anyways. Then, what point is there in worrying too much.

Although my feelings for him are still indefinite, the marriage is already a decided matter, and I don't have resistance to being embraced.
Rather, I like it. Ah, that's right. I admit it. Because, no matter where he touches it feels good. What's wrong with desiring more.
I'm very well aware I've been swept away by the pleasure.
But still, it can't be helped, because I'm sure I desire to be touched by him.
Even now I couldn't stop.

Reaching that conclusion, I nodded to myself.

Alright, let's stop thinking about unusual things, after all, I want things to continue like this.
Then no matter what happens later I'll hardly end up regretting it.
I'll come to understand the meaning of these feelings one day.
Until then I can just follow these emotions.
It's unlike me to come to standstill from worrying.
Let's see how far I can plunge forward.

"Yo, Princess. You called?"
"Hya!"

I didn't notice because I was lost in thought.
I heard a cheerful voice right next to me, and as I raised my face in surprise, I could see Cain's figure that appeared before I noticed.
I suspended my thoughts, and although relieved he appeared, I wondered where in the world did he come from.

"… You surprised me. Where were you until now?"
"Nn?  Well, here and there. First of all, I watched the scene of Princess's and the rumored Crown Prince's reunion from a tree? You were more intimate than expected?"
"Ugh…"

Being told that with a smile I froze.
Of all things, that was seen, huh. The public shame play from before.

… And I became aware of a serious thing.

I completely forgot, but didn't a love scene unfold at full power in the end!!
What should I do if I was seen…

I understand that my face turned pale in an instant.
I can't stand my friend seeing such a scene.
I nervously peeked at Cain.

"Cain… Umm…"
"And? What's up? You're going to victory celebration party next, right?"

Cain asked as if nothing happened.
There's no change in his state.
… Perhaps, it wasn't seen.

As I arrived at this conclusion, I understood it's likely.
That's right, there shouldn't be such calmness between us if he had seen it. So that means after all it wasn't seen…!!

I was relieved from the bottom of my heart by his completely unchanged att.i.tude.
I'm saved… Now that I've calmed down, I can move onto the main subject.

"Umm, look. It's difficult to say, but…"

The crisis is gone, but it's terribly embarra.s.sing to properly explain it.
To expressly say I don't want him to peak into this room is like declaring I'm going to do it tonight. Is it possible to say with ordinary nerve.
But, I can't not explain it to him.
I've already promised Freed, to spend that night without anxiety, it's something I absolutely must say.

I resolutely opened my mouth.

"To… Tonight I'll be staying here… Umm, could you not approach this room"
"…"

Cain didn't reply. Becoming self-conscious, my face flared red.
As I hung my head and writhed in embarra.s.sment, I heard a voice saying aah.
I raised my head to see Cain awkwardly scratch his hair.

"… Ah, yup, I got it. Seeing you I understood you were lovey-dovey, so I didn't want to disturb you. Or rather, it was the same before, but at any case I can't get close to this room when Crown Prince is inside. That man erected a terrible barrier around this room"
"Barrier?"

As I asked for explanation, Cain made a face saying well, that's.

"Princess, you haven't noticed? That Crown Prince erected an amazingly strong barrier around this room? Probably, the activation condition is Crown Prince being in his room. He's not in now, right? That's why I came in, but with the way that man is, I couldn't get close at all"

As expected, that is impossible to me, Cain bitterly smiled like he's in the wrong, but I was relieved enough to cry that I obtained conclusive evidence that my love scene from some time ago wasn't seen.

"After all, Crown Prince must be targeted by all sorts of people. Activating that is incredibly normal, perhaps it's on the subconscious level. Probably it's a self-defense measure used from old times? Well, I'm saved thanks to that. At least when Princess is with Crown Prince I don't need to worry needlessly"

As Cain surveyed the room with a.s.sa.s.sin's eye and said so, I replied I see, deeply grateful to Freed in my mind. I didn't notice he erected such a barrier at all, thanks to it Cain didn't learn of that thing.
When I thought he may be watching, I really thought I'd die.

"That's why there's no problem. However, please make sure to call for me when returning home tomorrow. I can hear no matter where you call for me from"
"Even if you tell me that, I can't use magic?"

While feeling relieved, I objected to Cain's words.
Even if he says to call for him, I have no way of doing that. Since I've told Cain about the matter of my magic, he should understand.
As I objected with my eyebrows scrunched, Cain looked back and said it was fine.

"No need to worry. It's not magic but a byproduct of the contract with me. Princess calling for me is enough. I'll understand with that much"
"Hmph… I don't really get it, but… But if so, yup, I got it"

Being told to rely on him with full confidence, I nodded, drawn in.
As if relieved, Cain continued talking.

"But I'm glad Crown Prince seems to be a strong guy like in rumors. I wondered if in the worst case I'd have to stick to you day and night, but I'm honestly relieved"

As Cain nastily laughed I really don't have a hobby like watching my master's love scenes, I felt like running away.

"Ain't that fine? You seem close, I think you're well-matched? If Princess doesn't hate it, I won't say anything. But, I beg you, don't be alone. At such times absolutely do call for me…. Like this, I'm most worried about times when you aren't with Crown Prince"
"Cain… is p.r.o.ne to worrying"
"… It's too late if something happens. Got it?"
"… Yup, I understand"

I felt trustworthiness in Cain's intense eyes, and bowing my head laughed please.