Harp's Song Part 16

Connor groans and we giggle. I hold both their hands and lay my head on Connor's shoulder.

Tomorrow I will wear a cap and gown and officially be a high school graduate. It's the day I promised myself that I wouldn't let my mother dominate my life anymore. And the day I've envisaged for years as not just the end of this way of life, but also the beginning of a new life-my life. But, as I lay on the couch between the two most important people in my world, I feel content ... and hopeful. It's a powerful feeling.

As the movie plays, my eyelids become heavier and heavier, and soon I let them fall against my eyes.

I can tell I'm in that s.p.a.ce between being awake and sleep. It's almost a semi-conscious place and feels like I'm in another world. I can faintly feel Connor's hand in mine, but when I look around me, I see that I'm outside. I'm in a meadow, surrounded by lush trees and wildflowers in vibrant colors that almost reach my knees and tickle my legs.

When I tilt my head up, I admire the setting sun tinting the sky with gold, orange and pink hues making it look like a painting. I shut my eyes, holding my arms out at my sides and bask in the sun that is warming me from the inside out, with a subtle breeze rus.h.i.+ng over me.

Even in the silence there's a rhythm-a song. I can hear it in the way the wind rustles the brush on the ground, blows through the mounds of flowers and hisses through the trees. It's an orchestra, each piece of nature playing its instrument in sync and in tune, and all I have to do is accept it and enjoy it.

In this moment of pure calm and bliss, I'm reminded of something Ms. Anderson had on her wall. It was a wood-carved sign with a saying from Henry David Th.o.r.eau painted on it:

To those wonderful, beautiful people who have had their spark extinguished from abuse or a.s.sault ...

You are not alone.

It's ok to ask for help.

There are people in this world to help you, please take the first (and hardest) step to get it.

RAINN: RAPE, ABUSE & INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK.

www.rainn.org.

1.800.656.HOPE.

CHILDHELP.

www.childhelp.org 1.800.4.A.CHILD.

AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY.

www.cancer.org 1.800.227.2345.

There are many people I want to thank for helping me to actually hit the publish b.u.t.ton. And, since this is my first book, hold tight, my support network is large and I have such grat.i.tude for each one of them.

First, I'd like to thank you. Yes, you. Thank you for purchasing this book and for your support. It means the world to me.

To my editor, Luisa Hansen, without you, I'm not sure I would have made it this far. Thank you, not only for your expert editing, but also for going above and beyond to help me and answer ALL of my questions ... and there were a lot of them!

To Sandra Saenz Cortez and Dyann Tufts: Thank you for your honesty and thoroughness. Your attention to detail and feedback gave me a huge boost of confidence.

Thank you Tux (Dad) for your bear hugs and unconditional support. For not looking at me like I was crazy when I told you I was going to write a book. I love you muchly.

To my hubby, Jeff, I love you. Thank you for your love and support. You're my everything.

Abby Wagner and Katie Eichholz, I know in the world of best friends, it's commonplace to call each other and laugh or cry, rant about the Starbucks we dropped, the brownies we couldn't resist, and the five pounds we just can't seem to say goodbye too (I wonder why?). Beyond those things, thank you for showing me the meaning of true friends.h.i.+p through your actions.

Katy Rose, There's so much I could say, but ultimately ... I love you dearly, seester. Thank you for your love and support.

Emily Fear, I adore you. When we're two old biddies living in the middle of nowhere, wearing wellies and big hats, and grumbling about our neighbors, I'll still adore you!

Victoria Davis, thank you for celebrating your birthday with me for the last five years, even if the number is getting higher ... eek!

To Stephanie Utterson, Kara Sudbrock, s.h.i.+rley K., and Meagan Taylor. I heart you all. Thank you for showering me with your support and feedback.

Jorge Negreros, I respect the heck out of you for your honesty, quiet confidence, and of course your ridiculous talent. Thank you for bringing Harp to real life with your magical cover. I will gladly bake you brownies and cookies anytime.

To all the people I've had the pleasure of knowing, some of them good friends at one point in time, others acquaintances, and others foe. You've been in my path for a reason. Whether for a minute, a day, a week, a month, a year or more-you all had something to teach me. Sometimes, through your actions, you were there to show me who I did not want to be. Other times, you were there to make me laugh, or help me learn how to live during rough times. Thanks to all of you for teaching me a lot of stuff. I'm a better person for knowing you, and I carry your lessons with me every day.

https://www.facebook.com/ca.s.sies.h.i.+neauthor.

https://twitter.com/Ca.s.ss.h.i.+ne.

http://www.ca.s.sies.h.i.+ne.com/.

We are on the road again. Connor is driving my car and holding my hand rea.s.suringly, when he exits the freeway, and pulls over into a gas station parking lot. We shouldn't need gas, so I'm not sure why he's pulled over, until he cuts the engine and turns to me.

"This is your last chance Harp," he says as his eyes explore my face. "We just go down this road for another ten miles, make a left turn, down another road for another ten minutes and we're there," He warns me. "If you don't want to do this, this is your last chance to turn around."

We talked ad nauseam this morning about whether or not I was ready to do this, and if it was wrong to do it without my mom knowing. At the end of the day, I'm not sure what's right or wrong anymore. All I know is what my gut tells me, and ever since we went to Navy Pier, it's told me that I need to do this-so that's what we're doing.

"I'm not sure about this at all," I admit slowly.

I love Connor with every fiber of my being, but sometimes I wish he weren't always the voice of reason. I know there is a better way to do this, and I know I'm running on emotion right now. But if I think about this for too long, I'm going to talk myself out of it.

"I'm not sure about this at all," I repeat myself, "But I don't think I ever will be-it's now or never."

He nods his head and he slowly grins, "Ok then ... let's do it."

Connor starts the car and we are back onto the main road. Shortly after, we are making the final turn before we reach our destination, and as we drive down the road I notice the large, established trees lining it. Connor makes one final turn into a long driveway and we park in front of a beautiful home.

Now that we are here, I'm so nervous that my hands start sweating, and I feel like I'm going to pee my pants. This is always what happens to me before a performance, but it usually goes away once I take hold of my cello and start playing the music. I don't have my cello with me today, so I'm not really sure how I'm going to calm myself down. I take a deep breath and admire the large, stately house.

The white colonial home in front of me is beautiful. I can imagine my mom growing up here, happy. Connor gives my leg a squeeze so I turn to look at him. He nods and gets out of the car to open my door.

When I step outside, the smell of fresh-cut gra.s.s and blooming flowers fill my nose. There's something warm and peaceful about being here, but I brace myself because I know that's going to change ... soon.

I grip Connor's hand tightly and we both walk together until we are standing in front of the door.

"You gonna ring the doorbell?" Connor teases, bringing me out of my thoughts.

I shake my head and take a deep breath to summon all the courage I have in me as I reach forward and press the doorbell. When I hear it go ding-dong, adrenaline spikes through my veins. My hands are really sweating now and my breathing has picked up.

Sometimes you are so engrossed with something, that everything around you becomes mute. It's almost like you have tunnel vision and you can't hear or see anything else. I get like that a lot when I'm playing music, or reading a good book. When I'm in that entranced state, nothing can break my concentration, and sometimes Connor will have to physically touch me or get in my face to break me out of it. This makes me smile because when he does that, I always let out a small scream, and jump like he's just scared the c.r.a.p out of me. It's not like he meant to scare me, but for some reason it always catches me off guard.

That's what happens here. I know with all logical thought that after the doorbell rings, the door will open because it's the natural progression of events. However, when the door opens I'm snapped out of my reverie, and I jump as if I've just been scared.

"Hi, can I help you?" a woman in her mid-sixties with porcelain skin and piercing blue eyes answers the door. She's pet.i.te with her white hair pulled back into a bun, although a few wavy tendrils have escaped around her face and neck. She's wearing an ap.r.o.n, and wipes her hands on it looking at us expectantly, which is when I remember that I'm supposed to talk.

"Hi ... um ... hi, I, uh, are you ... " I stumble. c.r.a.p. I need to get it together. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I open them again, I start over.

"Hi, are you Kaye Evans?" I ask as coolly as I can, although I hear the tremors in my voice.

"Yes, are you friends of Logan's? Come on in, he's out back with his grandpa, but you can make yourselves at home and I'll holler for him to come in," she says opening the door wider for us to enter.

My brain is telling my legs to move, but for some reason they aren't going anywhere. They are rooted on this porch. I don't know if it's because I'm nervous as h.e.l.l to enter this house, or because I feel bad that she's mistaken us for Logan's friends.

"No, ma'am, I'm sorry, we aren't friends of Logan's," I muster the courage to say.

Kaye looks at both of us expectantly, yet confused.

"My name is Harp and this is Connor," I say and she nods her head in acknowledgement before I continue. "My name is Harp Evans. I'm Ann Evan's daughter, and your granddaughter."

end.