The Zankiwank and The Bletherwitch Part 13

For n.o.body is any one, That must be very clear; Yet n.o.body's a constant dun, Though no one saw him here.

As n.o.body is ever seen In Anybody's shape, n.o.body must be epicene And very like an ape!

For n.o.body's Nothing to n.o.body, And yet he is something too; Though No-body's No-Body it yet is so odd he Always finds nothing to do!

Just as the song was finished, the Zankiw.a.n.k cried out in alarm--

"There's Somebody coming."

And n.o.body disappeared at once, for the children saw n.o.body go!

"And now," said the Zankiw.a.n.k, "we may expect the Griffin from Temple Bar and the Phoenix from Arabia."

A dark shadow enveloped the square in which they were standing; then there was a weird perfume of damp fireworks and saltpetre, and before any one could say Guy Fawkes, the Phoenix rose from his own funeral pyre of faded frankincense, mildewed myrrh, and similar luxuries, and flapped his wings vigorously, just as the Griffin jumped off his pedestal, which he had brought with him, and piped out--

"Here we are again!"

"Once in a thousand years," responded the Phoenix somewhat hoa.r.s.ely, for he had nearly swallowed some of his own ashes.

The Griffin, as everybody knows, is shaped like an eagle from its legs to the shoulder and the head, while the rest of his body is like that of a lion. The Phoenix is also very much like an intelligent eagle, with gold and crimson plumage and an exceptionally waggish tail. It has the advantage of fifty orifices in his bill, through which he occasionally sings melodious songs to oblige the company. As he never appears to anyone more than once in five hundred years, sometimes, when he has the toothache for instance, only once in a thousand years--which is why he is called a rara avis--if you ever meet him at any time take particular notice of him. And if you can draw, if it is only the long bow, make a sketch of him. He lives chiefly on poets--which is why so many refer to him. He has been a good friend to the poets of all ages, as your cousin William will explain. If you have not got a cousin William, ask some one who has.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Not having the gift of speech, neither of them spoke, but they could sing, and this is what they intended to say, duet-wise:--

I am a sacred bird, you know, And I am a Griffin bold; In Arabia the blest We feather our own nest, To keep us from the cold.

And we're so very fabulous-- Oh, that's the Griffin straight!

We rise up from the flames, To play old cla.s.sic games, Like a Phoenix up-to-date!

Then they spread out their wings and executed the most diverting feather dance ever seen out of a pantomime.

I am a watchful bird, you know, And I am a Phoenix smart; From Shakespeare unto Jones-- The Welsh one--who intones, We have played a striking part.

For we're so very mystical, Both off-springs of the brain; The Mongoose is our _pere_, And the Nightmare is our _mere_, And we thrive on Fiction Plain!

They repeated their dance and then knocked at the door of the nearest house and begged pantomimically for money, but as it was was.h.i.+ng day they were refused. So they went into the cook shop and had some Irish Stew, which did not agree with them. Consequently they sprang into the hash that was simmering on the fire, and were seen no more. Whereupon the Zankiw.a.n.k looked gooseberrily out of his eyes and murmured as if nothing out of the way or in the way had happened, or the Phoenix or the Griffin had existed--"The Bletherwitch will send me a telegram to say that she will be ready for the ceremony in half-an-hour."

"But where is the Bletherwitch, and how do you know?" asked Maude, somewhat incredulously.

"She is being arrayed for the marriage celebration. At present she is in Spain gathering Spanish onions."

"But Spanish onions don't come from Spain!"

"You are right. It is pickled walnuts she is gathering from the Boot Tree in the scullery. However, that is of no consequence. Let us be joyful as befits the occasion. Who has got any crackers?"

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Before any reply could be given a voice in the air screamed out:--"Beware of the Nargalnannacus!" At which the Zankiw.a.n.k trembled and the whole place seemed to rock to and fro.

"What _is_ the Nargalnannacus?"

"It's a noun!"

"How do you mean?"

"A noun is the name of a person, place or thing, I believe?"

"It was yesterday."

"It is to-day. And that is what the Nargalnannacus is. He, She, or It is a person, place or thing, and it travels about, and that is all I know of it. n.o.body has ever seen a Nargalnannacus, and n.o.body ever will, not a real, proper, authen----"

"Authenticated," a.s.sisted Maude.

"Thank you--authenticated one. Directly they do they turn yellow and green, and are seen no more."

"What are we to do then?" anxiously enquired Willie.

"The best that offers. We have been expecting an outbreak for a long time, and here comes the Court Physician, Dr Pampleton, to happily confirm my worst suspicions!"

The children thought it extremely odd that having one's worst suspicions confirmed should make any person happy. But they were accustomed to the Zankiw.a.n.k's curious modes of speech and lack of logic, so that they wisely held their tongues in silence. The newcomer was of very remarkable appearance. He was tall and slim like the Zankiw.a.n.k, but instead of having the ordinary shaped head and face, he carried on his shoulders a sheep's head, and in his veins (so they heard afterwards) ran sheep's blood. At one period of his existence he had been well-known for his wool-gathering propensities, and he was now strongly recommended as being able to commit more mistakes and blunders in half-an-hour than a school boy could in a whole school term. He had one great virtue, however, and that was that he would always instantly apologise for any error he might make.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

He never travelled without his medicine chest, which he carried by straps over his shoulders, and was prepared to give anybody a dose of physic without the slightest provocation at double charges.

"There is danger ahead," he whispered to the Zankiw.a.n.k, "and a lot of visitors are coming to fight to the bitter end."

"Tell me their names," cried the Zankiw.a.n.k excitedly. Whereupon, Dr Pampleton recited them as follows, the Zankiw.a.n.k groaning as each cognomen was uttered:--

"The Wollypog" (_groan_) "The Fustilug" (_groan_) "What's-His-Name" (_groan_) "Thing'um-a-Bob" (_groan_) and "The Woogabblewabble Bogglewoggle and all his Court."

The last was too much for the Zankiw.a.n.k, for he immediately climbed to the top of the tallest steeple in the town, saying with much discretion:--

"I will see that all is fair. I will be the judge."

Maude had only just got time to eat some of the Fern Seeds she had saved from what Robin Goodfellow had given her, and to give some to Willie, when a rus.h.i.+ng as of many waters and a roaring as of the bursting of several gasometers were heard, and a noise of some two or three hundred tramping soldiers smote upon their ears, and they knew that something dreadful was going to happen. As the Bogglewoggle and the Wollypog and all the others came upon the scene, both the children recognised them, from what they had once read in a fairy book, as being the monsters of the Secret Cavern.

It was not going to be a battle, as they could see--it was only to be a quiet fight between the important folk of the Secret Cavern and Topsy Turvey Land. The Jorumgander was there, and so was the Jackarandajam and Mr Swinglebinks and all the others they had been introduced to. The Bogglewoggle was particularly noisy in calling out for the Zankiw.a.n.k, but as he was engaged to be married, of course he could not risk his life just for the mere whim of a dragon, who was setting everything alight with his torch-like tail.

And then they all commenced to fight--cutting, slas.h.i.+ng and cras.h.i.+ng each other with double-edged swords, while the inhabitants applauded and the bands played the "Conquering Hero," although there was not any creature who conquered, that one could distinguish. It was a terrible sight. They never ceased for a minute, but went on cutting each other to pieces until at last they all lay dead upon the ground. No one was left alive to tell the awful news but the Zankiw.a.n.k and Dr Pampleton. And what was most remarkable about the fight was that it was all done out of pure friends.h.i.+p--but friends.h.i.+p does not seem to be much good when all your friends are scattered about, as these were. Heads and arms and legs everywhere, and there certainly did not appear to be much hope of their ever being able to do any more damage.

The Zankiw.a.n.k crept cautiously down from his pinnacle and joined Dr Pampleton.

"Our friends are very much cut up," said Dr Pampleton.

"What is to be done?" the Zankiw.a.n.k enquired.

"Done? Why, with my special elixir I shall bring them all to life again," said the Court Physician promptly.