Manners and Rules of Good Society Part 30

=Light Refreshments= are provided in the dining-room--lemonade, wine and water, every description of cake, sandwiches, crystallised fruits, French plums, figs, almonds and raisins, oranges, etc. Bon-bons containing paper caps, etc., which afford children much amus.e.m.e.nt, are usually provided.

When a juvenile ball is given a supper is provided; otherwise light refreshments are considered sufficient, and are served twice during the evening. Sometimes the children of the family, if old enough and clever enough, act a little play--some nursery fairy tale, condensed into one act, such as "Beauty and the Beast," "Cinderella," etc.--which lasts about an hour, and is followed by dancing.

When a juvenile fancy ball is given, one or two fancy quadrilles are arranged beforehand, to be danced by the children in costume.

CHAPTER x.x.x

WRITTEN INVITATIONS

=Writing Letters of Invitation=, and answering letters of invitation, often occupy far longer time in the composition than the writers would care to confess. The difficulty does not lie in an invitation itself or in accepting or refusing it, but rather in the form in which either should be couched, the words that should be chosen, and the expressions that should be used; one person is afraid of being too _empresse_, another of being too formal or too stiff; one is fearful of saying too little, another of saying too much.

When invitations are issued on dinner cards or on "at home" cards, the note of acceptance should be as brief as is the printed card of invitation, and to the printed card requesting the pleasure of Mrs.

Blank's company at dinner, the stereotyped answer is invariably Mrs.

Blank has much pleasure in accepting Mrs. Dash's kind invitation for Sat.u.r.day the 21st, or Mrs. Blank regrets that a previous engagement will prevent her having the pleasure of accepting Mrs. Dash's kind invitation for Sat.u.r.day, the 21st.

As regards those invitations that refer to visits of some days'

duration, those accustomed to give this description of entertainment, know exactly what to say and how to say it. The conventional civilities or affectionate cordialities, as the case may be, occur in their proper places; but one point is made clear in either case, namely, the length of the visit to be paid. There are people who are under the impression that to specify the exact length of a visit is in a degree inhospitable, and not sufficiently polite; and they, therefore, as a sort of compromise, use the ambiguous term "a few days" in lieu of distinctly defining the limit of these invitations. So far from vague invitations such as these being an advantage to invited guests, they not seldom place them at a disadvantage at more points than one. They are uncertain on what day they are to take their departure. They do not wish by leaving a day earlier to disarrange any little plans that their hostess may have contemplated for their amus.e.m.e.nt; neither do they wish to prolong their visit a day later, lest by so doing they should break in upon any engagements that she may have formed on her own account independently of her visitors. It is also not a little awkward for guests to tell their hostess that they think of leaving on Thursday by 12.20 train. It might have suited the hostess very much better that her visitors should have left on the Wednesday, and in her own mind she had perhaps intended that the visit should end on that day; but, having left the invitation open, more or less, by saying "a few days," there is nothing left for her but to sacrifice her own arrangements to the convenience of her guests, as without discourtesy she could hardly suggest to them that they should leave a day earlier than the one they had named, and the visitors remain unconscious of having in any way trespa.s.sed upon the good nature of their hostess.

"A few days" is also an unsatisfactory wording of an invitation to visitors themselves; as a rule, it means three or four days, but there is also an uncertainty as to whether the fourth day should be taken or not. Those who interpret "a few days" to mean three days, make their plans for departure accordingly; failing this, they are compelled to leave their plans open, and stay from three to five days, according as chance and circ.u.mstances may dictate. A lady would perhaps require a little addition to her wardrobe in the matter of a five days' visit over that of a three days' stay; but this is a trifling detail, although it helps to swell the list of minor inconveniences which are the result of vague invitations. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule, and there are people who use this phrase of "Will you come and see us for a few days?" in the _bona fide_ sense of the word, and to whom it is immaterial whether their guests remain three days or six days; but such an elastic invitation as this is usually given to a relative, or to a very intimate friend, whose footing in the house is that of a relation, and with whom the hostess does not stand on ceremony, as far as her own engagements are concerned; and people on these friendly terms can talk over their departure with their hostess, and consult her about it without the faintest embarra.s.sment.

=The most satisfactory invitation= is certainly the one that mentions the day of arrival and the day of departure. Thus, after the _raison d'etre_ of the invitation has been stated, the why and the wherefore of its being given follows the gist of the letter: "We hope you will come to us on Wednesday the 23rd, and remain until the 27th." It is, of course, open to a hostess to ask her visitors to prolong their stay beyond the date named if she sees reason for so doing; but this is the exception rather than the rule in the case of short visits, and guests take their departure as a matter of course on the day named in the invitation. Hostess and guests are perfectly at ease upon the subject, and guests do not feel on delicate ground with their hostess, or fear to outstay their welcome. When a visit has been paid it is polite, if not imperative, to write to the hostess and express the pleasure that has been derived from it. Oftener than not some little matter arises which necessitates a note being written apart from this; but whether or not, good feeling and good taste would dictate that some such note should be written, and, as it can always include little matters of general interest in connection with the past visit, it need neither be over ceremonious nor coldly polite.

=To write a letter asking for an invitation=, or to answer a letter asking for an invitation, is in either case a difficult letter to write, as many have ere this discovered. When a married lady asks for an invitation for a young relative or friend staying with her, to some dance or "at home" to which she herself is invited, the note is simple enough, and the answer is generally a card of invitation or a written permission to bring her. Again, in the case of asking for invitations for gentlemen, if a lady is going to a ball, she can without hesitation, ask for cards of invitation for one or two gentlemen friends of her own, mentioning their names in the note. In this case also the answer is generally in the affirmative, as men are always acquisitions at a ball.

The awkwardness of the situation arises when a good-natured person is solicited to obtain an invitation to a smart ball for a lady and her daughters, or for the young ladies only, the latter knowing some one who would chaperon them if they could only get an invitation. If the lady who asks for the invitation is a fas.h.i.+onable ball-giver, the probability is that her request will be granted; but if the contrary, the reverse will most likely be the case. Even when writing to an intimate friend, there is always a delicacy in asking for an invitation for a third person, and society appears to become, year after year, still more exclusive on this point. Many people are reluctant, or decline altogether, to put themselves under an obligation of this nature, even for those with whom they are most intimate; it may be that the number of refusals good-natured people have received from their friends when trying to render services of this description, have made them chary of putting themselves forward again in a similar manner: it is chilling to be told that the list is over full, or that so many people have been refused already, or that there is not a card to spare. But a few years ago a ball was not considered a success unless it was an over-crowded one; the popularity of the ball-giver was shown by the guests scarcely being able to find standing-room. Thus, invitations were given right and left to the friends of those who asked for them.

But the fas.h.i.+on of to-day is to style a crowded ball-room a "bear-garden," and to confine the invitations, with but very few exceptions, to those who are strictly on the visiting list of the ball-giver; and pretty girls may sigh in vain for an invitation to a ball given even by a relative or acquaintance of their own, if not on their visiting list. Still, invitations are constantly asked for by people for their friends, and sometimes they are given and sometimes they are refused, as the case may be, but much depends upon the position of the one who solicits the favour.

If the giver of an entertainment wishes to oblige the pet.i.tioner, she will stretch a point to do so; if not, she will write a polite note of excuse, giving one of the reasons before mentioned. It is thoroughly understood people do not ask for invitations for themselves, whatever they may do for their friends, and that they would not do so unless they were themselves invited. Living at a distance modifies, however, this latter rule; and friends in the country often ask for invitations for friends in town, and _vice versa_.

=Dinner invitations= are, as a matter of course, never asked for; but invitations to garden-parties, afternoon "at homes," and afternoon teas, are frequently asked for and readily given. Some are intimate enough at the house where they visit to take a relative or friend with them to these afternoon gatherings without observing the punctiliousness of asking for an invitation; others, on less intimate terms, do not venture upon doing so.

In all cases when an invitation is asked for, a hostess should never neglect to send a reply, and should not take for granted that her friends will naturally understand that silence gives consent, for under the circ.u.mstances it is very possible to interpret it to signify a refusal.

CHAPTER x.x.xI

REFUSING INVITATIONS

Many reasons exist for declining invitations other than the plea of a prior engagement.

"Mrs. M. regrets ('much regrets,' or 'very much regrets') that a previous engagement prevents her having the pleasure of accepting Mrs.

N.'s 'invitation,' or 'kind invitation.'" When on more intimate terms, Mrs. M. should write in the first person when declining an invitation.

It is an open question whether the nature of the engagement should be stated or not. Even intimate friends often confine themselves to the statement of the bare fact only that a prior engagement exists; others, on the contrary, state the nature of the engagement, and there is no doubt that this latter course considerably softens a refusal and lessens the disappointment experienced, and therefore, when practicable, should always be followed.

When a prior engagement cannot be made the basis of a refusal, then the refusal must rest on other lines; ill health, a severe cold, etc., are valid excuses. Failing these, the refusal should be as follows:--"Mrs.

Z. regrets she is unable to accept Mrs. X.'s kind invitation, etc."

It occasionally happens that it is desirable to break an engagement, circ.u.mstances having changed the aspect of things. The invitation, perhaps, was a verbal one, and a refusal was not easy at the moment.

Again, impromptu invitations are sometimes refused, having been too hastily accepted--the servant who brought the note waited for an answer, and on the impulse of the moment an affirmative answer was given; the wife had not time to consult her husband, and accepted for him as well as for herself; or perhaps some potent domestic reason that could not be explained induced a subsequent refusal.

The fas.h.i.+onable world accepts refusals as a matter of course, and fills up the gaps with other invitations.

Refusals of dinner invitations from those for whom a dinner-party was partly originated are always disappointing, even to the most popular of dinner givers, in the same way that the absence of the princ.i.p.al neighbour from a county entertainment is felt to cast a shadow over the proceedings of the day.

Although printed cards of acceptance and of refusal are in general use, yet many cases arise which render written refusals imperative.

As regards the refusal of invitations asked for, such requests should not be made unless on very safe ground, and with a certainty of meeting with acquiescence, yet occasionally these requests are either unwelcome or inadmissible, and refusals are consequently given; but, unless worded with tact and good nature, they are often the cause of strained relations between both friends and acquaintances.

CHAPTER x.x.xII

WALKING, DRIVING, AND RIDING

=The Usual Hours for Walking= in the Park are from 9 until 10.30 a.m.

The hours for afternoon walking and sitting in the Park are from 4 to 7 p.m. during the summer months.

The fas.h.i.+onable hours for walking in the Park on Sunday are from 1 to 2 p.m., both in winter and summer; and from 5 to 7 p.m. in the summer months.

Married ladies can, if they please, walk out unaccompanied or unattended in places of public resort in town or on the parades of fas.h.i.+onable watering-places; but married ladies, especially if they are young, usually prefer the society of another lady, not so much, perhaps, for propriety as for companions.h.i.+p, as to walk alone, either in town or at fas.h.i.+onable watering-places, renders a lady more or less conspicuous, especially if she is attractive and well dressed.

A young lady can now also walk by herself in the Park for the purpose of joining her friends and acquaintances, both in the morning and in the afternoon, but she should not sit alone.

Again, young ladies may walk alone in the fas.h.i.+onable streets, but they should not loiter when alone at shop-windows as they pa.s.s, but walk at a quick pace from shop to shop, or from street to street.

In the quiet neighbourhoods of towns, suburban towns, and watering-places, young ladies walk unaccompanied and unattended to visit their friends residing in the near vicinity of their homes, or to attend cla.s.ses, or for the purpose of shopping, etc. Indeed, great independence is generally accorded in this respect, the line being drawn at evening hours--that is to say, at walking alone after dusk.

At watering-places, and at all public promenades, it is usual for gentlemen to join ladies with whom they are acquainted, and to walk with them for a short time when it is apparent that their company is desired, but not otherwise.

Ladies and gentlemen, whether related or not, should never walk arm-in-arm, unless the lady is an elderly one, or an invalid, and requires this support.

=Driving.=--From 3 to 6.30 are the received hours for the afternoon drive during the summer, and from 2.30 to 4.30 during the winter.

The following rules as regards entering and leaving a carriage apply to a motor-car or an electric brougham as far as the construction, make, and size of the same render it possible.