The Hedge School; The Midnight Mass; The Donagh Part 11

"Well," said the fellow, "we'll just trouble you to walk with us a bit."

"How far, with submission, are yez goin' to bring me?" said Mat.

"Do you know Johnny Short's hotel?"*

* The county jail.--Johnny Short was for many years the Governor of Monaghan jail. It was to him the _Mittimus_ of "Fool Art," mentioned in Phelim O'Toole's Courts.h.i.+p, was directed. If the reader will suspend his curiosity, that is, provided he feels any, until he comes to the sketch just mentioned, he will get a more ample account of Johnny Short.

"My curse upon you, Findramore," exclaimed Mat, in a paroxysm of anguish, "every day you rise! but your breath's unlucky to a schoolmaster; and it's no lie what was often said, that no schoolmaster ever thruv in you, but something ill came over him."

"Don't curse the town, man alive," said the constable, "but curse your own ignorance and folly; any way, I wouldn't stand in your coat for the wealth of the three kingdoms. You'll undoubtedly swing, unless you turn king's evidence. It's about Moore's business, Mr. Kavanagh."

"d.a.m.n the bit of that I'd do, even if I knew anything about it; but, G.o.d be praised for it, I can set them all at defiance--that I'm sure of.

Gentlemen, innocence is a jewel."

"But Barny Brady, that keeps the shebeen house--you know him--is of another opinion. You and some of the Pindramore boys took a sup in Barny's on a sartin night?"

"Ay, did we, on many a night, and will agin, plase Providence--no harm in takin' a sup any how--by the same token, that may be you and yer friend here would have a drop of rale stuff, as a thrate from me?"

"I know a thrick worth two of that," said the man; "I thank ye kindly, Mr. Kavanagh."

One Tuesday morning, about six weeks after this event, the largest crowd ever remembered in that neighborhood was a.s.sembled at Findramore Hill, whereon had been erected a certain wooden machine, yclept--a gallows. A little after the hour of eleven o'clock two carts were descried winding slowly down a slope in the southern side of the town and church, which I have already mentioned, as terminating the view along the level road north of the hill. As soon as they were observed, a low, suppressed e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n of horror ran through the crowd, painfully perceptible to the ear--in the expression of ten thousand murmurs all blending into one deep groan--and to the eye, by a simultaneous motion that ran through the crowd like an electric shock. The place of execution was surrounded by a strong detachment of military; and the carts that conveyed the convicts were also strongly guarded.

As the prisoners approached the fatal spot, which was within sight of the place where the outrage had been perpetrated, the shrieks and lamentations of their relations and acquaintances were appalling indeed.

Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, cousins, and all persons to the most remote degree of kindred and acquaintances.h.i.+p, were present--all excited by the alternate expression of grief and low-breathed vows of retaliation; not only relations, but all who were connected with them by the bonds of their desperate and illegal oaths. Every eye, in fact, coruscated with a wild and savage fire, that shot from under brows knit in a spirit that deemed to cry out Blood, vengeance--blood, vengeance!

The expression was truly awful; all what rendered it more terrific was the writhing reflection, that numbers and physical force were unavailing against a comparatively small body of armed troops. This condensed the fiery impulse of the moment into an expression of subdued rage, that really shot like livid gleams from their visages.

At length the carts stopped under the gallows; and, after a short interval spent in devotional exercise, three of the culprits ascended the platform, who, after recommending themselves to G.o.d, and avowing their innocence, although the clearest possible evidence of guilt had been brought against them, were launched into another life, among the shrieks and groans of the mult.i.tude. The other three then ascended; two of them either declined, or had not strength to address the a.s.sembly.

The third advanced to the edge of the boards--it was Mat. After two or three efforts to speak, in which he was unsuccessful from bodily weakness, he at length addressed them as follows:--

"My friends and good people--In hopes that you may be all able to demonstrate the last proposition laid down by a dying man, I undertake to address you before I depart to that world where Euclid, De Cartes, and many other larned men are gone before me. There is nothing in all philosophy more true than that, as the multiplication-table says, 'two and two makes four;' but it is equally veracious and worthy of credit, that if you do not abnegate this system that you work the common rules of your proceedings by--if you don't become loyal men, and give up burnin' and murdherin', the solution of it will be found on the gallows.

I acknowledge myself to be guilty, for not separatin' myself clane from yez; we have been all guilty, and may G.o.d forgive thim that jist now departed wid a lie in their mouth."

Here he was interrupted by a volley of execrations and curses, mingled with "stag, informer, thraithor to the thrue cause!" which, for some time, compelled him to be silent.

"You may curse," continued Mat; "but it's too late now to abscond the truth--the _sum_ of my wickedness and folly is worked out, and you see the _answer_. G.o.d forgive me, many a young crathur I enticed into the _Ribbon_ business, and now it's to ind in _Hemp_. Obey the law; or, if you don't you will find a _lex talionis_ the construction of which is, that if a man burns or murdhers he won't miss hanging; take warning by me--by us all; for, although I take G.o.d to witness that I was not at the perpetration of the crime that I'm to be suspinded for, yet I often connived, when I might have superseded the carrying of such intuitions into effectuality. I die in pace wid all the world, save an' except the Findramore people, whom, may the maledictionary execration of a dying man follow into eternal infinity! My ma.n.u.scription of conic sections--" Here an extraordinary buz commenced among the crowd, which rose gradually into a shout of wild, astounding exultation. The sheriff followed the eyes of the mult.i.tude, and perceived a horseman das.h.i.+ng with breathless fury up towards the scene of execution. He carried and waved a white handkerchief on the end of a rod, and made signals with his hat to stop the execution. He arrived, and brought a full pardon for Mat, and a commutation of sentence to transportation for life for the other two. What became of Mat I know not; but in Findramore he never dared to appear, as certain death would have been the consequence of his not dying _game_. With respect to Barny Brady, who kept the shebeen, and was the princ.i.p.al evidence against those who were concerned in this outrage, he was compelled to enact an _ex tempore_ death in less than a month afterwards; having been found dead, with a slip of paper in his mouth, inscribed--"This is the fate of all Informers."

(Note to page 834.)

The Author, in order to satisfy his readers that the character of Mat Kavanagh as a hedge schoolmaster is not by any means overdrawn, begs to subjoin (verbatim) the following authentic production of one, which will sufficiently explain itself, and give an excellent notion of the mortal feuds and jealousies which subsist between persons of this cla.s.s:--

"To the Public.--Having read a printed Doc.u.ment, emanating, as it were, from a vile, mean, and ignorant miscreant of the name of ------, calumniating and vituperating me; it is evidently the production of a vain, supercilious, disappointed, frantic, purblind maniac of the name of ------, a bedlamite to all intents and purposes, a demon in the disguise of virtue, and a herald of h.e.l.l in the paradise of innocence, possessing neither principle, honor, nor honesty; a vain and vapid creature whom nature plumed out for the annoyance of ------ and its vicinity.

"It is well known and appreciated by an enlightened and discerning public, that I am as competently qualified to conduct the duties of a Schoolmaster as any Teacher in Munster. (Here I pause, stimulated by dove-eyed humility, and by the fine and exalted feelings of nature, to make a few honorable exceptions, particularly when I memorize the names and immortal fame of a Mr. ------, a Mr.---------, a Mr. ---------, a Mr.---------, a Mr. ---------, a Mr. --------, ---------; a Mr. Matt.

---------, ---------; a Mr.---------, ---------; and many other stars of the first magnitude, too numerous for insertion).

"The notorious impostor and biped animal already alluded to, actuated by an overweening desire of notoriety, and in order to catch the applause of some one, grovelling in the mora.s.ses of insignificance and vice, like himself, leaves his native obscurity, and indulges in falsehood, calumny, and defamation. I am convinced that none of the highly respectable Teachers of -------- has had any partic.i.p.ation in this scurrilous transaction, as I consider them to be sober, moral, exemplary well-conducted men, possessed of excellent literary abilities; but this expatriated ruffian and abandoned profligate, being aware of the marked and unremitting attention which I have heretofore invariably paid to the scholars committed to my care, and the astonis.h.i.+ng proficiency which, generally speaking, will be an accompaniment of competency, instruction, a.s.siduity and perseverance, devised this detestable and fiendish course in order to tarnish and injure my unsullied character, it being generally known and justly acknowledged that I never gave utterance to an unguarded word--that I have always conducted myself as a man of inoffensive, mild, and gentle habits, of unblemished moral character, and perfectly sensible of the importance of inculcating on the young mind, moral and religious instruction, a love of decency, cleanliness, industry, honesty, and truth--that my only predominant fault some years ago, consisted in partaking of copious libations of the 'Moantain Dew,'

which I shall for ever mourn with heartfelt compunction.--But I return thanks to the Great G.o.d, for more than eighteen months my lips have not partaken of that infuriating beverage to which I was unfortunately attached, and my habitual propensity vanished at the sanctified and ever-memorable sign of the cross--the memento of man's lofty destination, and miraculous injunction, of the great, ill.u.s.trious, and never-to-be-forgotten Apostle of Temperance. I am now an humble member of this exemplary and excellent society, which is engaged in the glorious and hallowed cause of promoting Temperance, with the zealous solicitude of parents.--I am one of these n.o.ble men, because they are sober men, who have triumphed over their habits, conquered their pa.s.sions, and put their predominant propensities to flight; yes, kind-hearted, magnanimous, and lofty high, minded conqueror, I have to announce to you that I have gained repeated victories, and consigned to oblivion the hydra-headed monster, Intemperance; and in consequence of which, have been consigned from poverty and misery, to affluence and happiness, possessing 'ready rino,' or ample pecuniary means to make one comfortable and happy thereby enjoying 'the feast of reason and the flow of soul,' i.e.,--an honest, cozy warm, comfortable cup of tea, to consign my drooping, sober, and cheerful spirits into the flow of soul, and philosophy of pleasure. I, therefore, do feel I hid no occasion to speak a word in vindication of my conduct and character. A conspiracy in embryo, formed by a triumvirate, was brought to maturity by as experienced a calumniator, as Canty, the Hangman from Cork, was in the discharge of his functions, when in the situation of munic.i.p.al officer; and the h.o.a.ry-headed cadman and crack-brained Pedagogue was appointed a necessary evil vehicle for industriously circulating said maniac calumny. Why did not this base Plebeian, anterior to his giving publicity to the tartaric nausea that rankled at his gloomy heart, forward the corroding philippic, and bid defiance to my contradiction?

No, no; he knew full well that with his scanty stock of English ammunition scattered over the sterile floor of his literary magazine, he could not have the effrontery, impudence, or presumption to enter the list of philosophical and scientific disputation with one who has traversed the th.o.r.n.y paths of literature, explored its mazy windings, and who is thoroughly and radically fortified, as being encompa.s.sed with the impenetrable s.h.i.+eld of genuine science. This red, hot, fiery, unguarded locust, in the inanity of his mind's incomprehensibleness, has not only incurred my displeasure by his satirical dogged Lampoons, etc., but the abhorrence, animosity, and holy indignation of many who move in the high circle, as well as the ineffable contempt of the majority of those good and useful members of society, who are engaged in the glorious and delightful task of 'teaching the young idea how to shoot,'

and forming the mind to rect.i.tude of conduct; and whose labors are tremendous--I speak from long and considerable experience in scholastic pursuits. I am as perfectly aware as any man of the friendly intercourse, urbanity, and social reciprocation of kindness and demeanor that ought to exist among Teachers;--and, in a word, that they should be like the sun and moon--receptacles of each other's light. But these malicious, ignorant, callous-hearted traducers finding it perfectly congenial to their usual habits, and perhaps feeling no remorse of conscience in departing from those principles which must always accompany men of education, carry into effect their scheme of wanton, atrocious, and deliberate falsehood. And accordingly, in pursuance of their infernal piece of villainy, one of them being sensible of being held in contempt and ridicule by an enlightened public--whose approbation alone is the true criterion by which Teachers ought to be sanctioned, countenanced, and patronized--incited, ordered, and directed, the aforesaid Lampooner--a reckless, heartless, illiterate, evil-minded ghost, yes my friends an evil-spirit, created by the wrath of G.o.d--to pour out the rigmarole effusions of his silly and contemptible lucubrations. It is a well-known fact, that this vile calumniator is the shame, the disgrace, the opprobrium, and brand of detestation; the sacrilegious and perjured outcast of society, who would cut any man's throat for one gla.s.s of the soul-destroying beverage. This accursed viper and well-known hobgoblin, labors under a complication of maladies: at one time you might see him leaving the Court-house of with the awful crime of perjury depicted in capital letters on his forehead, and indelibly engraven in the recesses of his heart, considering that every tongueless object was eloquent of his woe, and at periods laboring under a semi-perspicuous, semi-opaque, gutta-serena, attended with an acute palpitation of his pericranium, and a most tormenting delirium of intellects from which he finds not the least mitigation until he consopiates his optics under the influence of Morpheus. There are ties of affinity and consanguinity existing between this manfacturer of atrocious falsehoods and barefaced calumnies, and a Jack-a.s.s, which ties cannot be easily dissolved, the affinity or similitude is perceptible to an indifferent observer in the accent, p.r.o.nunciation, modulation of the voice of the biped animal, and in the braying of the quadruped. This Jack-a.s.s you might also behold perambulating the streets of ------, a second Judas Iscariot--a houseless, homeless, penniless, forlorn fugitive, like Old Nick or Beelzebub, seeking whom he might betray and injure in the public estimation, in rapacity, or in discharging a blunderbuss full of falsehood against the most pure and unimpeachable Member of society! Is it not astonis.h.i.+ng this wretched, braying, incorrigible mendicant does not put on a more firm and unalterable resolution of taking pattern by, and living in accordance with the laudable and exemplary habits of members of the Literatii, the ornament of which learned body is the Rev. Dr. King, of Ennis College, a gentleman by birth, by principles, and more than all, a gentleman by education; whose mind is pregnant with inexhaustible stores of cla.s.sical and mathematical lore, entertainment and knowledge; whose learning and virtues have shed a l.u.s.tre on the human kind; a gentleman possessing almost superhuman talents. No, he must persevere and run in his accustomed old course of abomination, slander, iniquity, and vice.

"In conclusion, to the R. C. Clergymen of ------, and the respectable portion of the laity, I return my ardent heartfelt thanks--to the former, who are the pious, active, and indefatigable instructors of the peasantry, their consolers in affliction, their resource in calamity, their preceptors and models in religion, the trustees of their interest, their visitors in sickness, and their companions on their beds of death; and from the latter I have experienced considerable grat.i.tude in unison with all the other fine qualities inherent in their nature; while neither time nor place shall ever banish from my grateful I heart, their urbanity, hospitality, munificence, and kindness to me on every occasion.

"I have the honor to be their very devoted, much obliged, and grateful Servant,

"JOHN O'KELLY.

"The itinerant cosmopolite, to use his own phraseology, accuses me with being lame--I reply, so was Lord Byron; and why not a 'Star from Dromcoloher' be similarly honored, for

If G.o.d, one member has oppress'd, He has made more perfect all the rest.

"The following poetic lines are to be inserted in reply to the doggerel composition of the equivocating and h.o.a.ry champion of wilful and deliberate falsehood, and a compound of knavery, deception, villainy, and dissimulation, wherever he goes:--

"O'Kelly's my name, I think it no shame, Of sempiternal fame in that line, As for my being lame, The rest of my frame, Is somewhat superior to thine.

These addled head swains, Of paralyzed brains, Who charge me with corrupting youth, Are a perjuring pair, In Belzebub's chair, Stamped with disgrace and untruth."

We are obliged to omit some remarks that accompanied the following poetical effusion:--

"A book to the blind signifies not a feather, Whose look and whose mind chime both together, Boreas, pray blow this vile rogue o'er the terry, For he is a disgrace and a scandal to Kerry."

The writer of this, after pa.s.sing the highest eulogium on the Rev. Mr.

O'Kelly, P.P., Kilmichael, in speaking of him, says,

"In whom, the Heavenly virtues do unite, Serenely fair, in glowing colors bright, The s.h.i.+vering mendicant's attire, The stranger's friend, the orphan's sire, Benevolent and mild; The guide of youth, The light of truth, By all condignly styl'd."

A gentleman having applied for a transcript of this interesting doc.u.ment for his daughter, Mr. O'Kelly says, "This transcript is given with perfect cheerfulness, at the suggestion of the amiable, accomplished, highly-gifted, original genius, Miss Margaret Brew, of --------, to whom, with the most respectful deference, I take the liberty of applying the following most appropriate poetic lines:--

"Kilrush, a lovely spot of Erin's Isle, May you and your fair ones in rapture smile, By force of genius and superior wit, Any station in high life, they'd lit.

Raise the praise worthy, in style unknown, Laud her, who has great merit of her own.

Had I the talents of the bards of yore, I would touch my harp and sing for ever more, Of Miss Brew, unrivaled, and in her youth, The ornament of friends.h.i.+p, love and truth.

That fair one, whose matchless eloquence divine, Finds out the sacred pores of man sublime, Tells us, a female of Kilrush doth s.h.i.+ne.

In point of language, eloquence, and ease, She equals the celebrated Dowes now-a-days, A splendid poetess--how sweet her verse, That which, without a blush, Downes might rehea.r.s.e; Her throbbing breast the home of virtue rare, Her bosom, warm, loving and sincere, A mild fair one, the muses only care, Of learning, sense, true wit, and talents rare; Endless her fame, on golden wings she'd fly, Loud as the trumpet of the rolling sky.

"I avail myself of this opportunity, in the most humble posture, the pardon and indulgence of that n.o.bleman of the most profound considerable talents, unbounded liberality, and genuine worth, Crofton M. Yandeleur, Esq., for the culpable omission, which I have incautiously and inadvertly made, in not prior to, and before all, tendered his honor, my warm hearted and best acknowledgments, and partic.i.p.ating in the general joy, visible here on every countenance, occasioned by the restoration to excellent health, which his most humane, truly charitable, and ill.u.s.trious beloved patroness of virtue and morality, Lady Grace T.

Yandeleur, now enjoys May they very late, when they see their children, as well as their numerous, happy and contented tenantry, flourish around them in prosperity, virtue, honor, and independence--may they then resign their temporal care, to partake of the never-ending joys, glory, and felicity of Heaven; these are the fervent wishes and ardent prayers of their ever grateful servant,

"JOHN O'KELLY.

"O rouse my muse and launch in praise forth, Dwell with delight, with extasy on worth; In these kind souls in conspicuous flows, Their liberal hands expelling-human woes.

Tell, when dire want oppressed the needy poor, They drove the ghastly spectre from the door.

Such n.o.ble actions yield more pure content, Than thousands squander'd or in banquets spent.

"I hope, kind and extremely patient reader, you will find my piece humorous, interesting, instructive, and edifying. In delineating and drawing to life the representation of my a.s.sailant, aggressor, and barefaced calumniator. I have preferred the natural order, free, and familiar style, to the artificial order, grave, solemn, and antiquated style; and in so doing, I have had occasion to have reference to the vocal metaphrase of some words. With a due circ.u.mspection of the use of their synonymy, taking care that the import and acceptation of each phrase and word should not appear frequently synonymous. Again. I have applied the whip unsparingly to his back, and have given him such a laudable castigation, as to compel him to comport himself in future with propriety and politeness; yes, it is quite obvious that I have done it, by an appropriate selection of catogoramatic and cencatogoramatic terms and words. I have been particularly careful to adorn it with some poetic spontaneous effusions, and although I own to you, that I have no pretensions to be an adept in poetry, as I have only moderately sipped of the Helicon Fountain; yet from my knowledge of Orthometry I can prove the correctness of it; by special and general metric a.n.a.lysis. In conclusion, I have not indulged in Rhetorical figures and Tropes, but have rigidly adhered to the use of figurative and literal language; finally I have used a concatination of appropriate mellifluous epithets, logically and philosophically accurate, copious, sublime, eloquent, and harmonious.

"Adieu! Adieu! Remember, JOHN O'KELLY, Literary Teacher, And a native of Dromcoloher."