The Politician Out-Witted Part 9

HUMPHRY. Why, what outlandish dialogue is that you're a talking? I can't understand your lingo as well as the Schoolmaster's, with his monstrous memorandums, and his ignorant mouses.

TOUPEE. You be 'quainted with monsieur de Schoolmastare, monsieur?

HUMPHRY. Yes, mounsieur; he and the consumptive old gentleman, old what's his name, was a wrangling about that confounded name that I was axing you about;--caw--con--[_Looks at the paper._] aye, Const.i.tution.

TOUPEE. Dat Const.i.tution is no bon;--de Schoolmastare vas strike me for dat. By gar, I get de satisfaction!

HUMPHRY. He talks as crooked as a Guinea niger. [_Aside._

TOUPEE. He vas call me--ah, le diable!--block; dis--[_Points to his head._]

blockhead, oui, blockhead.

HUMPHRY. If you've got a mind, I'll lather him for you.

TOUPEE. Yes; den I vill lader you for nothing.

HUMPHRY. You lather me for nothing?--I'll lather you for less yet, you barber-looking--

TOUPEE. No, no; me lader you so. [_Lathers HUMPHRY'S face._

HUMPHRY. Oh, with soap-suds, you mean:--I ax pardon, mounsieur; I thought how you was a going for to lather me without soap-suds or razor, as the old proverb is.

TOUPEE. Dat is no possible, monsieur.

HUMPHRY. I believe not; you shou'd be shav'd as clean as a whistle, if you was; 'faith should you.

TOUPEE. Yes, I will shave you very clean;--here is de bon razor for shave de beard.

[_Draws the razor over the back of HUMPHRY'S hand, to shew him it can cut a hair._]

HUMPHRY. [_Bellowing out._] You ill-looking, lousy, beard-combing, head-shaving rascal! Did you ever know any body for to have a beard upon their hand?

TOUPEE. You be von big 'merican brute, sur mon ame!

HUMPHRY. You lie, as the saying is. What a mouth he makes whenever he goes for to talk his gibberage!--He screws it up for all the world like a pickled oyster. I must have a care I don't get some of that snuff out of his nose.

TOUPEE. You please for taste de snuff?

HUMPHRY. I don't care if I _smell_ some.

[_Takes a pinch of snuff, which makes him sneeze, while TOUPEE is shaving him; by which he gets his face cut._]

TOUPEE. Prenez garde a vous!

HUMPHRY. The devil take the snuff and you! [_Going._

TOUPEE. S'il vous plait, monsieur, you vill please for take de--de--vat is dat--de lettre--de shallange to monsieur de Schoolmastare, for fight me?

HUMPHRY. Yes, that I will, with the most carefullest manner;--he shall have it in the greatest pleasure.

[_TOUPEE gives a paper to HUMPHRY._

TOUPEE. Dat is de bon civility,--I vill be your--a--very good friend.

HUMPHRY. Thank 'e kindly, Mounsieur. [_Exeunt, severally._

SCENE II. _A Street._

_Enter YOUNG LOVEYET and HUMPHRY._

LOVEYET. Not find where he lives?

HUMPHRY. No;--you're the most unluckiest gentleman for making of blunders,--didn't you tell me how your father liv'd in number two hundred and fifty, in Queen-Street, in the three-story brick house?

LOVEYET. I did; is not that the house?

HUMPHRY. No--why, your father don't live there.

LOVEYET. Did you enquire for Mr. Loveyet?

HUMPHRY. Yes, I saw Mr. Loveyet.

LOVEYET. The devil is in the fellow, I believe. Did you give him my letter?

HUMPHRY. Yes, but I didn't want to.

LOVEYET. Why not?

HUMPHRY. Becase I wanted for to carry it to your father.

LOVEYET. What makes you think Mr. Loveyet is not my father?

HUMPHRY. Somebody told me so that's got a good right to know; I've his own words for it.

LOVEYET. My father tell you so?

HUMPHRY. The young man is crazy, I believe.--I say Mr. Loveyet said you wasn't his son; so I suppose he can't be your father by that.

LOVEYET. I forgot that the letter would probably produce this misunderstanding. [_Aside._]--He is the only one I know, whom I have a right to call my father.

HUMPHRY. May be you're the old fellow's b.a.s.t.a.r.d, and if you're a b.a.s.t.a.r.d, you can't be a son, you know: aye, that's the catch, I suppose.

LOVEYET. Your new clothes make you quite smart, Mr. Cubb.

HUMPHRY. Yes, don't I look quite smart, with these here new clothes?

they're all new, I'll insure you--only a little the worse for wear; I bought 'em at the vandue option, at the Fly-Market.

LOVEYET. But how came you by that patch on one side of your face, and that large crop of beard on the other?