The History and Records of the Elephant Club Part 20

"_Judge._--Not that I am aware of. Now go on with your evidence.

"_Witness._--Well, yer honor, as I was about to tell ye, it was on Friday mornin' whin I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my door. Sez I to myself--now Michael has come wid the porgies.

"_Judge_ (impatiently).--Mrs. O'Brien, I--

"_Witness._--Me name's not O'Brien; I'm a married woman, and me name is Flaherty; me name was...o...b..ien when I was a girl.

"_Judge._--Well, then, Mrs. Flaherty, O'Brien, or whatever your name is, I have heard of these porgies and that fish-cart so often that they have grown stale; now tell me what occurred between you and Timothy Mulrooney?

"_Witness._--How do I know but ye'll intherrupt me again before I have said five words?

"_Judge._--You may rest a.s.sured that I will not if you will tell what Tim Mulrooney has done that is contrary to law.

"_Witness._--I could tell ye enough to hang him a half-dozen times, if he had as manny necks as that; (to the prisoner) ye know I could, Tim, ye--

"_Judge_ (perspiringly).--Mrs. O'Flaherty--

"_Witness._--Flaherty, widout the O, yer honor.

"_Judge._--Well, whatever your name is, you must not say anything to the prisoner in this court. Go on now, and if you will tell what he has done I'll not interrupt you.

"_Witness._--Now remember yer promise, ye honor. It was on Friday mornin'--

"_Judge_ (despairingly).--You're at it again. I--

"_Witness._--Howly mother of Moses! I told yer honor how it would be wid ye; here I haven't said more nor five words before yer at yer owld thricks again.

"_Judge_ (much vexed).--What did Timothy do with your fish?

"_Witness._--He didn't do annything wid them that time, barrin' that he saw Michael bring them in the house, and I heard him tell Biddy Mulrooney, his mother, who lives in the next room to me, that he would rather live on praties and bread, as they was a doin', than to ate stinkin' porgies that n.o.body else would buy; I know the Mulrooneys was jealous.

"_Judge._--Did Timothy create any disturbance then?

"_Witness._--No, yer honor, he didn't.

"_Judge._--Then why did you have him arrested?

"_Witness._--It was afther thin that the spalpeen made the disturbance.

"_Judge._--When was that?

"_Witness._--It was yestherday mornin'.

"_Judge._--What did Timothy do?

"_Witness._--It wasn't Tim, but his cat.

"_Judge._--Then it seems that you have entered a charge against Timothy Mulrooney of disorderly conduct, which, by right, you should have made against Timothy Mulrooney's cat, always provided that cats are amenable to munic.i.p.al law.

"_Witness._--By my sowl, yer honor, ye've got it mixed up again. Now why didn't ye wait until I could tell ye.

"_Judge._--Go on; I am reconciled to my fate. As a particular favor, I should like to have you finish within a half hour.

"_Witness._--Well, yer honor, as I was tellin' ye, the Mulrooneys was jealous of us because we had fish and they didn't. Yestherday mornin'

Michael brought home more porgies (the Judge here heaved a deep sigh) and I laid them on top of a barrel in the pa.s.sage to wait till I could dress them; what next, yer honor, did I see but Tim Mulrooney's big tom cat on the barrel atin' the fish; I heaved a pratie at the cat and it ran off wid the porgies; just thin I saw Tim Mulrooney laughing at what the cat was doin'; I know the blackgaird had towld the cat to ate the porgies; I called to Michael, and I run toward Tim to bate the tief as he deserved, whin my foot slipped and I furled over on the broad of my back; wid that Tim laughed the more, and Michael run to him, and was about to give him a tap on the sconce, whin Tim struck Michael a blow in his bowels, which quite prostrated him on the floor; with that I ran and got the M.P., who brought the murderin' tief to the station-house.

"_Judge._--Well, Mrs. Flaherty, I think, according to your own story, the prisoner acted more in his own defence than any other way.

"_Witness._--In his own definse! Bad luck to the tongue that says so.

Is--

"_Judge_ (to prisoner).--Timothy Mulrooney, I am by no means sure that your cat did not eat the Flahertys' fish with your connivance. If the cat did so, you did wrong; but for that you are sufficiently punished by your imprisonment last night. I think you might have been less hasty in striking Michael. Is Michael in court?

"_Mrs. Flaherty._--He is. Stand up, Michael, before his honor.

"Mrs. Flaherty, Michael and Timothy were standing together in a row.

"_Judge._--Now I am going to insure perfect harmony in your house for six months to come; I shall bind each of you over in the sum of $200 to keep the peace.

"This was almost too great a humiliation for the blood of the O'Briens to bear; but there was no alternative. Mrs. O'Brien Flaherty satisfied herself as well as she could by looking screw-drivers at the Judge; Michael appeared demure, and Timothy appeared jolly. The bonds were given, and the interesting trio left the court.

"The Judge rose from his chair, and made a bee line for breakfast."

During the various narrations which were given during the evening, Mr.

Quackenbush remained seated in the corner, saying nothing and doing as much. His eyes were partially closed, and an occasional sigh was all that escaped him.

When Mr. Dropper concluded the reading of his contributions, it was moved that Mr. Quackenbush open his mouth, and say something, under the penalty of having it pried open with the poker.

This caused Mr. Quackenbush to open his eyes; and, after various preliminary hems and coughs, he announced that there was a certain rule of evidence which gave a witness the right to refuse to say anything tending to criminate himself. He should avail himself of that rule.

Having said these words, Mr. Quackenbush rolled over on the floor, drew himself into double bow knot, and was soon snoring against noise.

In the meantime Mr. Spout had taken the floor, and stated that he had on one occasion been over at the Ess.e.x Market Police Court. He was there the involuntary witness of the trial of a case, which might account for the non-communicative disposition manifested on the present occasion by Mr. Quackenbush. During the proceedings, the justice called out the name of R. Percy De Laney Blobb; and in response to the call a tall individual arose and came forward. "I thought I recognized in the individual in question," continued Mr. Spout, "a person whom I had seen before, and I was not mistaken. He was wild, and disposed to regale the a.s.sembled company with a numerous collection of songs, which he had at his tongue's end. His dress was much disarranged.

"The evidence of the officer who had arrested the tall gentleman, went to show that he had offended against the laws, by disturbing the rest and quiet of an unappreciative neighborhood, by bawling forth at midnight most unmelodious yells, which, when he was apprehended, he a.s.sured the officer were capital imitations of Sontag, Grisi, and Grisi's new baby. When arrested the individual was in a plebeian state of drunkenness--not so much so but that he could sing, as he called it, and could talk after an original fas.h.i.+on of his own. His ideas were slightly confused; he informed the officer that he had been to hear Louisa Crown sing the Pyne Diamonds, and that he met a friend who took him to a billiard shop to see a clam race; that he and his friend bet the whisky on the result; that he drunk for both, and that they had pa.s.sed the remainder of the evening in a 'magnorious manner,' singing 'Storm Columbus,' 'Yankee Boodles,' and the 'Scar Strangled Bladder.'

"The officer had taken him to the lock-up, where he had finished the night singing 'Good Old Daniel,' whistling the 'Prima Donna Waltz,' and playing an imaginary piano-solo on the floor, in which attempt he had worn off some of his finger-nails. When he was before the court he had not yet recovered his normal condition. He was still musically obstinate, and refused to answer any questions of the Judge, or make any remarks, except in sc.r.a.ps of songs, which he sang in a low voice, mixing up the tunes in a most perplexing manner. Being possessed of an excellent memory, and having a large a.s.sortment of melodies at his command, his answers were sometimes more amusing than relevant. The Judge proceeded to interrogate him somewhat as follows:

"_Judge._--What is your name, sir?

"_Prisoner._--'My name is Robert Kidd, as I sailed'--

"_Indignant Officer._--He lies, your honor. Last night he said his name was Blobb.

"_Judge._--Where do you live?

"_Prisoner._--'Erin, Erin is my home.'

"_Knowing Officer._--He isn't an Irishman, Judge; he's a Connecticut Yankee, and lives in East Broadway.