The Wit and Humor of America Volume IX Part 28

An' he wanted to know w'y some folks wuz good, An' some folks wuz mean, W'y some folks wuz middlin' an' some folks wuz fat, An' some folks wuz lean, An' some folks were very learned an' wise, An' some folks dern green; All these kin' er things they troubled him so That he wanted to know.

An' so' he fired conundrums aroun', For he wanted to know; An' his nice crop er taters 'ud rot in the groun', An' his stuff wouldn't grow; For it took so much time to ask questions like these, He'd no time to hoe; He wanted to know if these things were so, Course he wanted know.

An' his cattle they died, an' his horses grew sick, 'Cause they didn't hev no hay; An' his creditors pressed him to pay up his bills, But he'd no time to pay, For he had to go roun' askin' questions, you know, By night an' by day; He'd no time to work, for they troubled him so, An' he wanted to know.

An' now in the poorhouse he travels aroun'

In just the same way, An' asks the same questions right over ag'in, By night an' by day; But he haint foun' no feller can answer 'em yit, An' he's ol' an' he's gray, But these same ol' conundrums they trouble him so, That he still wants to know.

SOLDIER, REST!

BY ROBERT J. BURDETTE

A Russian sailed over the blue Black Sea, Just when the war was growing hot, And he shouted, "I'm Tjalikavakeree- Karindabrolikanavandorot- Schipkadirova- Ivandiszstova- Sanilik- Danilik- Varagobhot!"

A Turk was standing upon the sh.o.r.e Right where the terrible Russian crossed; And he cried, "Bismillah! I'm Abd el Kor- Bazaroukilgonautoskobrosk- Getzinpravadi- Kilgekosladji- Grivido- Blivido- Jenikodosk!"

So they stood like brave men, long and well, And they called each other their proper names, Till the lock-jaw seized them, and where they fell They buried them both by the Irdosholames- Kalatal.u.s.tchuk- Mischaribustchup- Bulgari- Dulgari- Sagharimainz.

THE EXPERIENCES OF GENTLE JANE

BY CAROLYN WELLS

THE CARNIVOROUS BEAR

Gentle Jane went walking, where She espied a Grizzly Bear; Fl.u.s.tered by the quadruped Gentle Jane just lost her head.

THE RUDE TRAIN

Last week, Tuesday, gentle Jane Met a pa.s.sing railroad train; "Ah, good afternoon," she said; But the train just cut her dead.

THE CARELESS NIECE

Once her brother's child, for fun, Pointed at her aunt a gun.

At this conduct of her niece's Gentle Jane went all to pieces.

THE NAUGHTY AUTOMOBILE

Gentle Jane went for a ride, But the automobile s.h.i.+ed; Threw the party all about-- Somehow, Jane felt quite put out.

THE COLD, HARD LAKE

Gentle Jane went out to skate; She fell through at half-past eight.

Then the lake, with icy glare, Said, "Such girls I can not bear."

THE CALM STEAM-ROLLER

In the big steam-roller's path Gentle Jane expressed her wrath.

It pa.s.sed over. After that Gentle Jane looked rather flat.

A NEW EXPERIENCE

Much surprised was gentle Jane When a bullet pierced her brain; "Such a thing as that," she said, "Never came into my head!"

THE BATTERING-RAM

"Ah!" said gentle Jane, "I am Proud to meet a battering-ram."

Then, with shyness overcome, Gentle Jane was just struck dumb.

A FEW REFLECTIONS

BY BILL ARP

I rekon I've lived as much as most foaks accordin' to age, and I ain't tired of livin' yit. I like it. I've seen good times, and bad times, and hard times, and times that tired men's soles, but I never seed a time that I coulden't extrakt sum c.u.mfort out of trubble. When I was a boy I was a lively little devil, and lost my edycashun bekaus I couldn't see enuf fun in the spellin' book to get thru it. I'm sorry for it now, for a blind man can see what a fool I am. The last skhoolin' I got was the day I run from John Norton, and there was so much fun in that my daddy sed he rekoned I'd got larnin' enuf. I had a bile on my back as big as a ginney egg, and it was mighty nigh ready to bust. We boys had got in a way of ringin' the bell before old Norton got there, and he sed that the first boy he kotched at it would ketch hail Kolumby. Sh.o.r.e enuf he slipped upon us one mornin', and before I knowed it he had me by the collar, and was layin' it on like killin' snakes. I hollered, "My bile, my bile, don't hit me on my bile," and just then he popped a center shot, and I jumped three feet in the atmosphere, and with a hoop and a beller I took to my heels. I run and hollered like the devil was after me, and sh.o.r.e enuf he was. His long legs gained on me at every jump, but just as he was about to grab me I made a double on him, and got a fresh start. I was aktiv as a cat, and so we had it over fences, thru the woods, and round the meetin' house, and all the boys was standin' on skool house hill a hollerin', "Go it, my Bill--go it, my Bill." As good luck would have it there was a grape vine a swingin' away ahead of me, and I ducked my head under it just as old Norton was about two jumps behind. He hadn't seen it, and it took him about the middle and throwed him the hardest summerset I ever seed a man git. He was tired, and I knowd it, and I stopped about three rods off and laffd at him as loud as I could ball. I forgot all about my bile. He never follered me another step, for he was plum giv out, but he set there bareheaded and shook his hickory at me, lookin' as mad and as miserable as possible. That lick on my bile was about the keenest pain I ever felt in my life, and like to have killed me. It busted as wide open as a soap trof, and let every drop of the juice out, but I've had a power of fun thinkin' about it for the last forty years.

But I didn't start to tell you about that.