The Wit and Humor of America Volume II Part 1

The Wit and Humor of America.

Volume II.

THE TWO NEW HOUSES

BY CAROLYN WELLS

Once on a Time, there were Two Men, each of whom decided to build for himself a Fine, New House.

One Man, being of an Arrogant and Conceited Nature, took counsel of n.o.body, but declared that he would build his House to suit himself.

"For," said he, "since it is My House and I am to Live in It, why should I ask the Advice of my Neighbors as to its Construction?"

While the House was Building, the Neighbors came often and Looked at it, and went away, Whispering and Wagging their Heads in Derision.

But the Man paid no Heed, and continued to build his House as he Would.

The Result was that, when completed, his House was lacking in Symmetry and Utility, and in a Hundred ways it was Unsatisfactory, and for each Defect there was a Neighbor who said, "Had you asked Me, I would have Warned you against that Error."

The Other Man, who was of a Humble and Docile Mind, went to Each of his Neighbors in Turn, and asked Advice about the Building of his House.

His Friends willingly and at Great Length gave him the Benefit of their Experiences and Opinions, and the Grateful Man undertook to Follow Out all their Directions.

The Result was that his House, when finished, was a Hodge-Podge of Varying Styles and Contradictory Effects, and Exceedingly Uncomfortable and Inconvenient to Live In.

MORALS:

This Fable teaches that In a Mult.i.tude of Counselors there is Safety, and that Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth.

YES?

BY JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY

The words of the lips are double or single, True or false, as we say or sing: But the words of the eyes that mix and mingle Are always saying the same old thing.

FASCINATION

BY JOHN B. TABB

Among your many playmates here, How is it that you all prefer Your little friend, my dear?

"Because, mamma, tho' hard we try, Not one of us can spit so high, And catch it in his ear."

BARNEY MCGEE

BY RICHARD HOVEY

Barney McGee, there's no end of good luck in you, Will-o'-the-wisp, with a flicker of Puck in you, Wild as a bull-pup, and all of his pluck in you-- Let a man tread on your coat and he'll see!

Eyes like the lakes of Killarney for clarity, Nose that turns up without any vulgarity, Smile like a cherub, and hair that is carroty-- Whoop, you're a rarity, Barney McGee!

Mellow as Tarragon, Prouder than Aragon-- Hardly a paragon, You will agree-- Here's all that's fine to you!

Books and old wine to you!

Girls be divine to you, Barney McGee!

Lucky the day when I met you unwittingly, Dining where vagabonds came and went flittingly.

Here's some _Barbera_ to drink it befittingly, That day at Silvio's, Barney McGee!

Many's the time we have quaffed our Chianti there, Listened to Silvio quoting us Dante there-- Once more to drink Nebiolo spumante there, How we'd pitch Pommery into the sea!

There where the gang of us Met ere Rome rang of us, They had the hang of us To a degree.

How they would trust to you!

That was but just to you.

Here's o'er their dust to you, Barney McGee!

Barney McGee, when you're sober you scintillate, But when you're in drink you're the pride of the intellect; Divil a one of us ever came in till late, Once at the bar where you happened to be-- Every eye there like a spoke in you centering, You with your eloquence, blarney, and bantering-- All Vagabondia shouts at your entering, King of the Tenderloin, Barney McGee!

There's no satiety In your society With the variety Of your esprit.

Here's a long purse to you, And a great thirst to you!

Fate be no worse to you, Barney McGee!

Och, and the girls whose poor hearts you deracinate, Whirl and bewilder and flutter and fascinate!

Faith, it's so killing you are, you a.s.sa.s.sinate-- Murder's the word for you, Barney McGee!

Bold when they're sunny, and smooth when they're showery-- Oh, but the style of you, fluent and flowery!

Chesterfield's way, with a touch of the Bowery!

How would they silence you, Barney machree?

Naught can your gab allay, Learned as Rabelais (You in his abbey lay Once on the spree).

Here's to the smile of you, (Oh, but the guile of you!) And a long while of you, Barney McGee!

Facile with phrases of length and Latinity, Like honorificabilitudinity, Where is the maid could resist your vicinity, Wiled by the impudent grace of your plea?

Then your vivacity and pertinacity Carry the day with the divil's audacity; No mere veracity robs your sagacity Of perspicacity, Barney McGee.

When all is new to them, What will you do to them?

Will you be true to them?

Who shall decree?

Here's a fair strife to you!

Health and long life to you!

And a great wife to you, Barney McGee!

Barney McGee, you're the pick of gentility; Nothing can phase you, you've such a facility; n.o.body ever yet found your utility-- There is the charm of you, Barney McGee; Under conditions that others would stammer in, Still unperturbed as a cat or a Cameron, Polished as somebody in the Decameron, Putting the glamour on price or p.a.w.nee.

In your meanderin', Love and philanderin', Calm as a mandarin Sipping his tea!