Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 65

A: So they can find their way back to the house.

Q and A.

Q: What do you call a man with 144 warts?

A: Gross.

Q: What do you call three ducks in a crate?

A: A box of quackers.

Q: What do you call a skeleton that likes to solve mysteries?

A: Sherlock Bones.

Q: What's a rat's favourite tune?

A: Singing in the Drain.

Q: Why did the Baker get an electric shock?

A: He touched a bun with a large currant in it.

Q: Why was the shy rock a so sad?

A: He wanted to be a little bolder.

Q: What was the cookie crying?

A: Because his mother had been a wafer so long.

My appet.i.te.

A wife asks her husband, "Would you like egg and bacon for breakfast?"

"No thanks," says the husband, "this v.i.a.g.r.a has taken the edge off my appet.i.te."

At lunchtime the wife asks, "Would you like a sandwich?"

"No thanks," says the husband, "this v.i.a.g.r.a has taken the edge off my appet.i.te."

Ay dinnertime the wife asks, "Would you like some pizza?"

"No thanks," says the husband, "this v.i.a.g.r.a has taken the edge off my appet.i.te."

"OK then," says the wife, "would you mind getting off me? 'Cause I'm b.l.o.o.d.y starving!"

The retreat.

A woman convinces her husband to attend a couple's retreat. At the first session, the tutor says, "No matter how long we've been married, there are many things we don't know about our partners. For example, how many of you husbands can name your wife's favourite flower?"

One husband smiles knowingly and puts his hand on his wife's knee, and says, "It's Mother's Pride Self-raising, right?"

An Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are in a bar.

An Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are in a bar when the Irishman cries out, "Look at that bloke at the bar it's Jesus!" The others look and sure enough it is Jesus.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours the drink and takes it to Jesus. Jesus accepts the drink and raises his gla.s.s as he smiles.

The Englishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale from me." The bartender pours the drink and takes it to Jesus. Jesus accepts the drink and raises his gla.s.s as he smiles.

The Scotsman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus a Whiskey from me." The bartender pours the drink and takes it to Jesus. Jesus accepts the drink and raises his gla.s.s as he smiles.

Some time later, after finis.h.i.+ng his drinks Jesus approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman, shakes it and thanks him for the drink. When he lets go, the Irishman cries.

"Amazing my arthritis is gone!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman and thanks him for the drink. When he lets go, the Englishman cries, "Amazing the pain in my knee is gone."

Jesus then approaches the Scotsman, who has a terrified look on his face.

"Back off," says the Scotsman, "you're not shaking my hand I'm on disability benefit."

Did you hear about the midget called Candy?

Her friends say she is short but sweet.

The big red "F" stared back at Johnny from his exam paper.

Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

See Here!

There was this little 9-year-old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted is to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray really hard your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again.

He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"

His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"

The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said, I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning and I'm still blind!"

And his mom says... "I know April Fool!"

All my faults.

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

The Public Toilet.

An American tourist in London needs to take a leak, but after a long search can't find a public toilet. So he walks down a side street to take care of business and just as he's unzipping a policeman shows up.

"What are you doing?" the officer asks.

"I'm sorry," says the American, "but I've really got to take a leak."

"You can't do that here," says the officer, "follow me."

The police officer leads the guy to a beautiful garden with lots of gra.s.s, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Do it here," says the policeman.

The American quickly unzips and starts p.i.s.sing on the flowers.

"Ah," he says in relief. Then turning toward the officer asks, "This is very nice place is it a British style bathroom?"

"No Sir," replies the copper. "It's the French Emba.s.sy."

A Pain In The a.r.s.e.