Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 67

"No," says Johnny, "The one without a wedding ring. But I like the way you think!"

Feeling ill.

A worried lady rushes to see her doctor and says, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot, and I had this corpse- like look on my face! What's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "I don't know... But, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Q. Why are Welsh racehorses so fast?

A. They've seen what happens to the sheep!

Q: When a page 3 girl that had a live a lavish life style went bankrupt, what did her fans say?

A: It'll be interesting to see her bust.

Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

A: He was too far out man.

Q: What kind of snacks do s.p.a.ce Aliens like?

A: Milky Way, Mars and Galaxy.

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal that liked peanut b.u.t.ter?

A: He ate his Sun Pat.

Dentist: "Try to relax. I'll pull that aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient: "How much will this cost?"

Dentist: "It'll be $100."

Patient: "$100! That's a lot for five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well, I can pull it out more slowly if you like."

Confucius says: He who uses bad language is an ignorant f.u.c.ker.

Q: Who is the most organised nun at the convent?

A: Sister Matic

The Rat.

Tony Blair wanders into a shop in London's Chinatown. Looking through the display he discovers a bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting he asks the shop owner how much.

"Twenty pounds for the rat," says the shop owner, "and a hundred more if you want the story that goes with it."

"I'll just take the rat," replies the Tony. And with that he leaves the store.

As he crosses the street two live rats emerge from a drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he pa.s.ses another drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are on his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a jog as rats swarm from sewers and bas.e.m.e.nts and run after him. Shortly, Rats by the thousand are at his heels, and as he sees the River Thames, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamppost. Grasping the post with one arm he hurls the bronze rat into the River. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of Rats surges over the embankment and into the Thames where they drown.

Shaken, he makes his way back to the shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"Nope," says the Tony, "I was wondering if you've a bronze statue of an asylum seeker."

The missionary.

A missionary is out walking on the African plane one day when suddenly he comes face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation hopeless, he sinks to his knees and begins praying. Amazed the missionary is greatly relieved as he sees the lion get down on its knees beside him.

"Dear brother lion," says the missionary, "how pleased I am to find you joining me in prayer, when a few moments ago I feared for my life!"

"Don't interrupt," growls the lion, "I'm saying grace!"

US Law enforcement.

The US President gets together with his top advisors and says he wants to know which law enforcement agency is the best in the country.

They narrowed it down to the CIA, FBI, and LAPD. His officials devised a test where they take 3 identical forests and release a tagged rabbit into each one. Each agency has the job was to go in and find the rabbit.

The CIA goes in first sending in animal spies. They bug the trees and interview every plant and animal they can find. After 6 months of extensive, intensive investigations, there is no sign of the rabbit. So they file their report saying rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in and surrounds the forest. After six weeks of negotiations, they burn the forest down, killing everything including the rabbit. They then file their report saying the rabbit fired the first shot.

The LAPD sends in 6 officers who come out 20 minutes later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit!" They file their report saying he resisted arrest!

Problems.

A guy is in lift with another fellow that's carrying a multi way power extension cable.

"How are you today?" the guy asks.

Upset the fellow replies, "OK apart from a few problems I've got with my teenager daughter."

"Well," says the guy trying to lighten things, "at least you have an outlet for your problems."

On hearing this, the fellow nearly blew a fuse!

How can you stop the blonde at a c.o.c.kfight?

She's the one that brings a duck.

How can you tell if the Mafia are involved in the c.o.c.kfight?

The duck wins!

The Train Set.

Little Johnny gets a train set for his birthday and sets it up in the living room. His mother is in the kitchen when she hears.

"Will the f.u.c.kers in train on platform one, please get the f.u.c.k over to platform two, where the train will be leaving in one f.u.c.king minute."

Shocked she sent him to his room for two hours. After that time he was back in business play with his train set.

Listening from the kitchen she hears, "Would the pa.s.sengers in the train which has just arrived on platform one please make their way to platform two. Those in the train in platform two may leave by the main entrance."

Johnny's mother sighs with relief... then hears, "Those of you that are p.i.s.sed off with the two hour delay, you can blame the fat b.i.t.c.h controller."

The prisoner.

A chaplain visits a prisoner on the morning of the prisoner's execution and says, "They are going to allow you ten minutes of grace."

"That isn't very long," says the prisoner, "you'd better send her in quick."

The Deer.