Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 72

"Shut up!" barks the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Pregnancy Tips.

Q: Should I have another baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's s.e.x?

A: Wait until it's born.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Because you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's totally irrational.

A: And your point is?

Q: Does pregnancy have any lasting effects on a woman's figure?

A: No, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: How long is the average woman in labour?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My midwife says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a hurricane might be called a strong breeze.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?

A: Not unless you value your t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids leave home.

More Q and A jokes.

Q: What's blue and fluffy?

A: Blue fluff.

Q: What's green and stringy?

A: Green string.

Q: Why do doctors slap babies on the backside after they are born?

A: It knocks the d.i.c.ks off of the stupid ones.

Q: How do you know when you're on a budget airline?

A: If you ask the Captain how often their planes crash he says, "Just once."

Q: How do you know when you've met the perfect girl?

A: She the one with a short s.h.i.+rt and no knickers.

Cheeky chat up lines.

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.

How 'bout we play lion and lion-tamer...you hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You're like a champions.h.i.+p ba.s.s...I don't know whether to mount you or eat you.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

That s.h.i.+rt looks very becoming on you, but if I were one, I'd be coming too!

I can't find my puppy, could you help me find him? I think he went into this hotel room...

Quiz Time!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of a.s.sa.s.sins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sat.u.r.day, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.

Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

Ready For The Answers?

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.