Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 85

A: King Kong merrily on high!

Q: What do you give a Railway worker for Christmas?

A: Platform shoes!

Q: What did the little candle say to the big candle?

A: I'm going out tonight!

Q: Had do you feel at Christmas?

A: Yule be happy!

Q: How long does it take to burn a candle down?

A: About a wick!

Did you here that Scrooge put a clock in the bank at Christmas.

He said he wanted to save time!

What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?

Mean-opoly.

Did you hear that Scrooge was arrested for punching a grandfather and then stamped on it?

In court he said it was self-defence as the clock struck first!

Teacher: If I have 20p and ask Mr Scrooge for another 30p how much will I have?

Pupil: Please, miss, 20p!

Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.

Pupil: Please, miss, you don't know Mr Scrooge!

The Amazon Jungle.

An explorer is deep in the Amazon jungle when he meets a mean looking group of natives.

After surveying the situation, he quietly says to himself, "Oh G.o.d, I'm screwed."

At that exact moment the sky darkens and a deep voice booms out, "You're NOT screwed! Pick that stone at your feet up and bash in the head of the chief, who is standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body and breathing heavily 100 plus angry natives start to move towards him.

The deep voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed!"

Two Polar bears.

Two polar bears, a father and son, are walking around in the artic. The son looks at his Dad and says, "Dad, are you sure I'm 100% polar bear?"

"Yes son, you're 100% polar bear," replies the Dad and they keep walking.

Twenty minutes later the son asks again, "Dad, are you sure I am 100% polar bear?"

"Yes son, you're 100% polar bear," the Dad replies. "I am 100% polar bear, your Mum is 100% polar bear, and so you are 100% polar bear. Now, why do you keep asking that?"

"Because," says the Son "I'm b.l.o.o.d.y freezing!"

Q: What is a cat's favourite breakfast cereal?

A: Mice Krispies

Q: How do you get rid of rabbits?

A: Go to the drug store and buy some hare remover.

Q: What travels around the world yet stays in one corner?

A: A stamp.

News flash: Police have announced that a nasty fight occurred in a local chip shop last night. They say a number of fish were badly battered!

News flash: Police believe that a violent a.s.sault occurred on a local bus last night.

They are appealing for witnesses that might have seen a ticket being punched.

Did you hear about the draftsman with a 12-inch p.e.n.i.s?

He liked to a.s.sure his girlfriends that he didn't normally use it as a rule.

What the d.i.c.kens?

According to historians, the cook in Oliver Twist's workhouse died young due to a stress related illness. Apparently preparing all that nasty porridge for the inmates was very Gruelling.

A bloke at the pub.

A man with no arms walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender pulls the pint and shoves the foaming gla.s.s in front of him.

"Look," says the customer, "I have no arms - would you mind holding the gla.s.s up to my lips?"

"No problem," says the bartender as he helps the guy out.

"Now," says the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"No problem," says the bartender as he helps the guy out.

"If," says the armless man, "you reach into my right hand trouser pocket you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender gets it.

"You've been very kind," says the customer. "Just one thing more, where are the gents?"

The bartender replies, "Go out the front door, turn left, walk for two hundred yards and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

The hotel.

A married couple check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is feeling tired so she decides to stay in the room and rest. She lies down on the bed and after a few minutes a train pa.s.ses by very close to the window. The train shakes the room so hard that she's thrown out of the bed! Thinking this must be a freak occurrence she lies down once more and tries to rest.

After a few more minutes another train pa.s.ses and shakes the room so violently that she's thrown to the floor. Exasperated, she calls reception and asks for the manager.

The manager is sceptical, but the wife insists the story is true. So the manager says he'll be right up to check things out.

"Look...lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!" insists the wife.

So he lies on the bed next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says, "the h.e.l.l is going on here?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

The confession.

A religious young woman goes to confession and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"Confess your sins and be forgiven," the priest replies.

"Well," continues the young woman, "Last night I made sizzling pa.s.sionate love with my boy friend five times!"

The priest thinks for a minutes and then says, "Squeeze five lemons into a gla.s.s and drink the juice."