Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 7

DREAMS.

The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance.

During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked: "Do you believe that dreams come true?"

"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed that I went paddling-and I had!"

DRESS.

"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress."

"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"

The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.

"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.

The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic: "With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."

"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort until I married you."

DRINK.

It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular pa.s.senger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.

As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and the conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his feet. The bibulous pa.s.senger was severely shaken, but very dignified.

"Collision?" he demanded.

"No," the conductor answered.

"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.

"No," said the conductor again.

"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have got off."

The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully holding to

one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last, he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and called aloud for succor: "h.e.l.lup! h.e.l.lup! Somebody let me out!"

The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two trees. His attempt to pa.s.s between these resulted in a near- concussion of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times, the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.

"Lost-Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat- killer.

"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.

"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.

When this had been provided: "Now give me a quart of whiskey."

Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly: "Now show me the cellar."

An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted: "Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity: "Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"

The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply: "Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"

The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also notorious for his bibulous habits.

"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."

A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter: "Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey. It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought.

Presently, it issued and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked: "Now, bring on your cat!"

The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old man shook his head dolefully.

"I've nae worn it since the accident."

"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."

"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."

The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer spoke savagely: "Dang yer hide, git up thar-or I'll drive smack over ye!"

Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal, and she spoke with a purr that was catty: "You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"

And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly: "Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"

In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he encountered a teetotaler friend.

The friend exclaimed mournfully: "Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"

The bibulous one wept sympathetically.

"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.

When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.

"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a dozen Bibles in the whole state."

The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made gallant inquiries.

"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."

"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these days don't know what he dare eat or drink."

DRUGGED.

The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had made the arrest.

"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been drugged."

The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly: "I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the station."

DUTY.

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?"

"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

EASY LIVING.

The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling: "In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our n.i.g.g.e.rs, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the crops-all done by the n.i.g.g.e.rs.... And the selling is done by the sheriff."

ECONOMY.

One j.a.panese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the next section, and so on.

The other j.a.panese registered scorn.

"Wasteful!" he e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless. Then I wave my head."

Wife:-"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum that would keep a man looking shabby."

Husband:-"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."

EFFICIENCY.