Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 20

PEACEMAKER.

The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!"

"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I stepped in between them."

Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he burst forth: "I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"

PENSION.

The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due to the kick of a vicious

horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.

This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the alleged kick of a vicious horse."

The reply came promptly: "My leg!"

PESSIMISM.

The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a discouraged tone: "Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday-the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"

The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry concerning his health.

"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I have to turn and come back."

The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house: "Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo, and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"

"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."

PHILANTHROPY.

"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.

"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.

"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."

PHONETICS.

Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness: "Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"

"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?"

"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"

"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?"

"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head off."

PHYSIOLOGY.

The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows: "I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."

PLAIN SPEAKING.

The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in service.

"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all told?"

"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told eggzactly what I thought of them."

PLAYING POSSUM.

"No, suh," the ancient negro a.s.serted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de 'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog done did?

Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was a polecat!"

PLUMBER.

The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook, and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly: "Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."

The plumber snorted indignantly.

"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"

POETRY.

The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the pet.i.tion calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to verse every day."

POINT OF VIEW.

A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality: "I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never invited you to eat at his table."

"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a genl'man. He never let no n.i.g.g.e.r set at table 'long side o' him."

The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper: "Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"

The man answered very respectfully, but firmly: "It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."

POKER.

Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.

"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.

The Yankee did not hesitate.

"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll b.u.mp it up four tons."

POLITENESS.

The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest b.u.t.tons to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously: "Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"

"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.

"Please call her then," the fat man requested.

Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal, was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and to speak in complimentary terms of the food served him.

He heeded the instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarra.s.sment.

After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could contrive: "This is pretty good soup-what there is of it."

He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on the face of his hostess.

He hastened to speak again in an effort to correct any bad impression from his previous speech: "And there's plenty of it-such as it is."

On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was offered him.

Johnnie shook his head seriously.

"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."

The teacher used as an ill.u.s.tration of bad grammar, for correction by the cla.s.s, the following sentence: "The horse and cow is in the pasture."

A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said: "Please, sir, ladies should come first."

The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before him: "You must excuse my not giving you my seat-I'm a member of the Sit Still Club."