Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 21

"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring-I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."

She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.

"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."

POLITICS.

The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a pet.i.tion.

"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."

The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook his head.

"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."

POPULATION.

Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city.

"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."

POSTAL.

It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well informed is shown in a quotation by Punch of a local letter-carrier's apology to a lady on his round: "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"

PRAISE.

One negro workman was overheard talking to another: "I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat n.i.g.g.e.r Sam ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him yoh shohly is!"

PRAYER.

The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained that a certain paris.h.i.+oner had called him a perfect a.s.s, and asked advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous: "All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."

A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few pa.s.sengers to descend the gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.

"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with squint-for the third time!-and after all my prayers!"

Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus: "G.o.d bless papa! G.o.d bless mama! G.o.d bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"

At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely: "What did you use to open that can, Jim?"

"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened it with?"

"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with prayer."

The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the following impressive description of the prayer: "The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."

The New York Sun published the following: The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.

The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently closed, and as she haltingly

uttered the words of the old, yet ever young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.

With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes dancing, and exclaimed: "Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it better, Muvver."

A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he answered that he always did.

On being questioned as to the nature of his prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he added further: "I just say the little prayer mother taught me-'Now I lay me down to sleep.'"

A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these: "O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and daughters to the glory of G.o.d. And give her grace that she may go before her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."

As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask: "Does anybody know how to pray?"

One man spoke confidently in answer: "Yes, Captain, I do."

The captain nodded.

"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest of us will put on life-belts.

They're one short."

PREACHER.

A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He concluded his appeal as follows: "Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary Preacher. If you can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider.

If you can't spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust Preacher, send us an Exhauster."

PRECAUTION.

When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted: "Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh."

The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was thrown by the impact.

"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.

"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer sarcastically. "How does that happen?"

"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I measured the distance."

PRECOCITY.

The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.

"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."

"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the critic.

PREMATURENESS.

Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat down in the same seat.

"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.

Jakey started nervously.

"s.h.!.+" he whispered. "It vas next week."

PREPAREDNESS.

The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself: "It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit in it."

The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect: Mrs. Riley-Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an' day.

Mrs. O'Rafferty-Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' the hair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oi touched her again he'd foine me tin dollars.

Mrs. Riley-An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief.

Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)-No! Oi'm savin' oop the foine.

The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining her young man.

"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.

Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.

"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before morning."

PRIDE.

The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.